NEW AVENGERS #24: MELAMINE, NOW AVAILABLE IN COMICS

[A stream of consciousness live-blog]

Sidd "Sentry" Hartha

Zen and the Art of Retcon

Even though it's an audacious marketing ploy, I love the idea of the Sentry.

It really bugs me that the Inhumans are so darn uppity.

Why are T'Challa and Storm the ONLY ONES trying to put an end to it all? Makes me nutty. Don't even get me started about Doc. Again.

Maybe this issue will explain it to me. And maybe AIG will give back all that money.

Did Bob eat some peyote? Did I eat some peyote?

Maybe it's the mists? Maybe it's that Arby's Beef & Cheddar I left in my car all afternoon then ate anyway.

Maybe the Inhumans are just dillweeds.

Impurities? Ugh. Now they sound like Nazis. I don't understand it. I've really liked Blackbolt in the bits I've read. I know Crystal was ok, even though she blew off Johnny for Pietro. But, really, I don't know anything about them. And what I'm seeing here. Not liking. Not heroic. Not Scandinavian. Just icky.

Bob is polite. See, now, Bob, I like.

Ok, we get another recap. *sigh*

The art is lovely, but... let's pick up the pace here, people.

Oh, Crystal gets around. She's not Black Widow, but...

Isn't Bob married?

Ah-ha! Lindy! See.

Ugh. Iron Man. I used to be so excited to see him. Almost the same thrill as Cap. And now, my stomach just sinks. I know I'm going to get a fistful of rationalization and ego-cententric moralizing. I'm sure it's different when you have to wait weeks between issues. When you read them so quickly, like I'm doing, damn it's the same notes over and over like a Miley Cyrus song.

Ohhhh, killing Cap. I admit that I know Cap dies. Don't know any details, but the fact that he is no mas is kinda hard to miss. I'm absolutely dreading getting to that. I can't quite believe it and part of me hopes I'm just wrong and that it's all an elaborate hoax to fool lil ol me.

The reflection of Bob in IM's armor is creeeeeepy.

His righteousness is sooooo tiresome. I would consider myself an Iron Man fan. Granted, I've only read a small percentage of the issues, but they're just killing this character for me. I've lost all traces of the hero I adored. Where is the man? He's just some rhetoric spewing automaton now. Maybe he's a clone gone wrong like Thor or a skrull or part of my regretful trip to Arbys.

I know. I'm so impatient. And, I guess they can have fun redeeming Tony at some point, but the waiting will kill me. It's not that I want him to be perfect. I want them all to be flawed, it's far more interesting, but this is beyond flawed, it's a different, to me, character completely. I barely recognize him. If here weren't in the armor, I wouldn't. I hope they have a few humanizing issues with him. He's got to be sooooo tormented, but they're not showing me. Dagnabbit, show me!

Hmmm, maybe the Inhuman uppitiness will be useful here.

Or not.

I hope Bob goes back to earth and kicks Tony in the repulsor ray and heads off to fight with Cap.

That was a gyp. Truly, that was a scene from a book not a whole book. That's two "filler" issues in a row. I blame China.

I hope they get back to making hay again soon.

NEW AVENGERS #23: SPIDER-WOMAN AND HER GINORMOUS INNIE

[A stream of consciousness live-blog]

I'm waifish and work part-time at Hooters.

I know when I'm feeling vulnerable and confused. I find a crappy hotel room strip down to my skivvies and see what I can catch from the sticky sheets. Capital I... Ick.

I hate that there are two Jessicas in the current storyline. I'm easily confused and bright colors mollify me.

Hee.. Fury looks like a refugee from an old Doctor Who in those first two panels. Jelly baby?

He's being pretty casual for Covert Ops brain wipe master. Just knocks on her door? Has he ever just knocked on someone's door?

Figures. It's a fakey. AI, clone, Jonas Brother... God, they are annoying. If I were a Marvel God I would put a five year moratorium on using any of them.

Even through someone else's lips Maria Hill is a beotch.

It is only fair that they should have a scene where Cap fights in just his tighty-whities.

Again, let me re-establish my utter contempt for Miss Hill.

Iron Man's codpiece is looking, well, more like a banana sling than armor. And if you know what I'm referring to, you've been to San Tropez too many times.

Flippin' Tony. Has he really lost his heart? I liked Tony. Granted I haven't read several decades of stuff, and he was always arrogant in the extreme, but this... he's not human.

Who's attacking?

FSHOO? BUDDABUDDABUDDA? I know the sound effects are tough, but... budda budda?

Are these Hydra peeps?

I guess so.

Hee. Love the panel with the muscle dude in nike dolphin shorts. God, I wore those for years for volleyball. Where's my Le Sport Sac?

Stupid SHIELD.

Where is she? Who's he? Why do I care?

Zzzzzzz.

Finally. Enough with the jibber-jabber. I love good dialog, but that wasn't it. Sheesh. Was only two pages, but...

I guess she doesn't mind the whole killing thing. No code there.

Yay, Cap and people I know and give a crap about! It's so good to see you.

But, she just saunters in? Note to resistance: you should at least lock the door.

Ugh, now she's crying and going all Officer and a Gentlemen. Cap's a doodle so he'll take her in, but pfft is all I have to say.

Happily moving on to next ish...

NEW AVENGERS #22: TEACH YOUR CHILDREN WELL

[A stream of consciousness live-blog]

Yay Luke!

Tony, Tony, Tony... "Your sordid past is all be swept under the rug..." Wow, sounds like the kind of kind of government I want to work for! Come work with us and we'll bury your dirty little secrets. What kind of a country... never mind.

Carol Danvers... pfft. I don't like you, Miss Clairol.

Once again, Luke tells it like it is - short and sweet.

I never saw Mississippi Burning. I know I should, but I don't wanna. I saw Sweet Home Alabama, but I guess that doesn't count.

You're twisting this and I won't hear it! Hissy Fit, table for one. Wow. If he starts talking in the Royal We, I'm outtie.

Ok, I wasn't going to say anything the first time, but what the hell is up with the bright blue dots on the baby's face? They're making me crazy.

FIGHT THE POW-WAH!

*I raise my tiny WWI surplus-size fist in as much revolutionary support as my WASPishness can muster* Cause the closest I've ever gotten to revolution, cause that's another movie I couldn't finish, is watching import DVDs of Citizen Smith. Power to the People!

I mean, really, Al Pacino in the American Revolution? Down with the Stamp Act. Hoo-ha!

You go, Luke Cage, bringer of truths and kicker of asses!

Awww, saying goodbye. *sniff*... he's gonna be a great dad. I pity the boys who come callin'.

And, it makes no sense whatsoever that Canada is somehow hallowed ground and SHIELD and whatever evil agencies are employed in the pursuit and capture of naughty supers will just get to Niagra Falls and say, Oops, can't go there. Government, schmovernment. We all know the Canadians are in cahooties with the US in all the things that count. We send them fruits and vegetables and they send us oil and Robert Ito. Robert Ito, ladies and gentlemen!

Dear God in Heaven what is wrong with that child's eyes and teeth in the "What are you gonna do?" panel.

SHIELD is at the door. I predict they get their sorry asses whipped. Again.

There goes Luke's shirt. Again.

Yay for the crazy neighbors and their animal crazy sawed-off shotguns.

Ooooo... is that DD's billy club, and for some reason I always first think "billy goat" and that's totally different and wouldn't be quite so effective.

And Cap's shield. Now, THAT'S a shield.

Super-duper awesome. I know the artists are just pushing my buttons with those ridiculous heroic poses, but my buttons, they loves to be pushed.

I hope you all take this beating as an opportunity for introspection. - F'in great.

SHIELD summarily whipped.

The revolution is on. Viva Zapata! Now, that movie, I've seen.

NEW AVENGERS #21: HANK PYM MAKES A BAD CHOICE... AGAIN

[A stream of consciousness live-blog]

Poor Cap. Who knew he could draw. Of all of them, being cut off must hurt him the most. His family is kerschpluka.

Is that a retcon of Cap's discovery in the ice? The IM armor is all wrong. Or is Cap's memory all a jumbley like Logan's was/is/will be?

Wow, quite a rant there by Cap. I have to say, it's true mostly, but that late night comedy news is a better source than most.

What the hell is a Capekiller and what the hooda-hey is wrong with Cap's pants?

Capekilling as in killing people who wear capes? That's awful.

Is Cap dreaming? Cause I'm stuck in Whatthefuckville. Is this the safe house or just some "abandoned warehouse"? Damn you, Reading Order Gods.

Yay, Falcon. His BFF.

No love lost for Tony.

Ok, at what point in the melee did Cap change his boots and pants? Not that I'm upset he got rid of those horrid pants, but what the hell?

I'm down, brotha. I ain't buyin' what they're sellin' and I ain't movin'. Right on!

At least he grabbed his nifty Cap shirt, which I still think looks like fish scales.

Cap is so forgiving and understanding and doodley! He understands Peter's choice and regrets that he wasn't the one to help him... *sniff*.

So, Sentry's ship.. it's there, it's not there.. wtf?

Grab your stuff and a bunch of ants... - Hee!

I didn't think you thought that much of me. - Wow, does that speak volumes.

Oh, Highpockets. You big lummox.

And here they are, ladies and gentlemen, a day late and a dollar short, your SHIELD agents at work. Pffft.

Hmmm, I wonder who is next? Cap looks angry and constipated. I'll have Doc bring him a bran muffin.

NEW AVENGERS #20: MAGNETO ALTERNATES MY CURRENT!

[A stream of consciousness live-blog]

Eric has wonderful penmanship.

He's just sexy. That's all there is to it. Even all disheveled.

Oh my god, he's birthing...

Oh boy... a renewed Magneto is not going to be a good thing.

I think this fire person, Michael, has a fire-person man-crush on Magneto, either that or it's Wanda again. I mean, this gushing "perfect mind", "it has to be you", or is it some aspect of himself? He loves himself enough to believe that stuff. Or am I over-thinking and it's just that he's that popular with muties and the collective love for him is Jim Jonesish?

Xorn. Didn't see that one coming? Who the f is Xorn? Sounds like Zod's little brother.

Thanks for the new metal suit, by the way.- Hee.

Love how Cap isn't willing to go with the scorched earth policy.

On no. Nothing like a newly dead army rising up to seek genocidal vengeance. Good times.

What are these things? They all look like Joan Rivers.

Seriously, what's up with them? They all have clawsy hands.

Ok, see, I see it on the page and I don't buy it. Hill would nuke the Avengers in a second without a blinking an eye if she thought it would stop the threat. I just don't buy her here. I know, I know, I'm wrong, but I'm not!

Interesting, Magneto pleading to be killed?

Ouch, did she blow his head off.

I'm Bob, come fly me.

Yeah, where's Magneto? You know, previously the most powerful mutant on the planet who repeatedly tried to destroy all of you. I don't mean to interrupt your important conversations, but shouldn't someone look for him?

No, first, we have to check on the completely harmless mutant, Michael.

Is Alpha Flight really dead? Who will toss down the ceremonial puck at the next Ottawa Senators game?

Ok, there's Eric, but they're so nonchalant about it. An unconscious Magneto is still a dangerous Magneto. Why are they so blasé about it?

And there ya go. They deserved that. Go Eric, be free to magnetize and terrorize, it's your birthright! I bet he's hell with an Etcha A Sketch.

I know, I know, I know... I'm supposed to think Hill was all cool not doing what the Pres wanted and letting Tony listen in and not killing the Avengers, but I just... well, you know how I feel. I accept it in my head, but in my heart, shs's a stone-cold not to be trusted, be-atch.

A little foreshadowing with the Superhuman Registration Act and Cap and Tony in different mini-panels on Hill's screens. It's almost like they planned it!

Civil War is going to be fun and exciting and horribly painful, isn't it? Can't wait!

- Grace, my mutant avatar who has the power to elicit compassion

NEW AVENGERS #19: MARIA HILL CAN KISS MY PATOOTIE

[A stream of consciousness live-blog]

And away we go...

Hee. Boy, Pete's a little slow at picking up the clues. He keeps blabbing on and on as Iron Man tries to get him to cram it, but nooooo... he keeps going.... dumbass. Hee.

Oh, poor Vizh. I'm guessing he has no memory of House of M. Which is just as well, I guess. I thought those two kids had a chance. God, I'm a sap.

Frickin' SHIELD. I'm sick of them.

Boy, Tony wins the Exposition While Fighting Award! Lordy. Extremis, the Ultimate in Multitasking.

I'd like to give Miss Hill a piece of my mind a swift kick in the pancreas.

Oh, Superhuman Registration Act.... how much has been said about that up until now? Groundwork being laid.

I do not like Miss Hill one little bit. Seriously, she can kiss my ass. Michael said I'd grow to like her, but I've grown to really detest her. A lot.

I had no idea it was going to go this way.
Some futurist. - Hee!

I left my heart in Genosha. And my best pair of pants.

S'all for now. Sorry that was a shorty.

NEW AVENGERS #18: GOING POSTAL

[A stream of consciousness live-blog]

VIZH! He's alive or sequenced or whatever he would be. He's there. He's noshing. I'm excited and confused. He was burping up Ultrons and ripped in two last I saw. I miss him and his synthezoid self. That Avengers cover with him from the late sixties makes my heart beat faster.

Ok, Young Avengers. Who are these chitlins?

We'll call your parents and have you arrested. - That's like an engraved invitation to sneak off and follow. Not that I would do that. I would totally do that.

Hee... Peter doesn't have license.

Dang, it blew the armor right off his beautifully proportioned and very attractive bod! Although, did it blow off his manparts or is he pulling a Crying Game here? He looks very Ken doll. I miss my GI Joe doll. I loved to rub his fuzzy head.

Is he disenchancelling her? That looked painful.

The hell was that now?
Bob.

Hee! And they even goofily put in "The Sentry" in the trademarked font. Thank you Mad Men!

Where's Thor? He's just "gone". Maybe he's having lunch at the Ivy with Kenneth Branagh.

Two monsters fighting. A love story for men.

And Wolverine is the centering/calming one... cool. He's old and has seen much of life.

She said underpants. Underpants always makes me giggle. Underwear doesn't, but underpants...

Oooo, that's cool that Cap has the armor codes. Smart.

So, is he the manifestation of some of the lost mutant powers?

Hee... good old quippy spidey.

Yay, Vision! Scan those files. I bet he runs a Mac OS.

Ooooo..... it's mutarific.

NEW AVENGERS #17: A, O, WAY TO GO OHIO

[A stream of consciousness live-blog]

In every universe, Detroit is a bunghole. That's sad.

Hee. Love the kids!

What is Spidey wearing? That is Spidey, isn't it?

Did my mom call you guys? - HEE!

Go.

Awesome, Cap waves to the old lady.

Poor Detroit. They have less self-esteem than Canada.

Now, that's scared straight!

Hee, Cap is playin' with Luke!

Impact Super-Heroing.. Freaking awesome! Real, street-level, real people do goodery. No more sitting in the mansion/towers waiting for the biggy, they're actually helping the little peeps. Too f'ing awesome!

Thank you, Detroit! Good night!

Ya know, those white go-go boots the SHIELDIES wear make them look a little like Laker Girls. Away uniforms.

Hi, you've reached Reed, Susan, Johnny and Ben. We're not in this dimension, but if you'll leave your name and number after the beep....

Uh-oh. Cleveland. It's going for the Rock and Hall of Fame, cause let's face it.. what else is there in Cleveland? May Bob Hope forgive me.

Oh my god, it's Dr. Manhattan! Or his brother, Doctor Martha's Vineyard.

The X-Men stopped answering the phone. They're eating Chunky Monkey and watching Nicktoons in the Danger Room. Thanks, for the help, Muties!

Cap gets what Cap wants. And Cap wants... me!

Oh, Daisy... watch your back, traitor, I mean, loyalist, I mean... what do I mean?

Oh, Bob. I guess now they can save him to be Deus Ex Sentrius. Or not.

Oh, Iron Spidey... cool idea, but me likey old vulnerable Spideroo. It's a nice idea that they want him to use his science skillz.

Wake up you all-powerful schizo. We need your massive instability!

Thank heaven they draw Tony as nekkid in that suit. It makes me tingle.

Hmmm... reference to Korvac saga which I know of, but haven't read... Adds to list.

Stupid, dumbass Carol. Go back to your stinky blog! I'm a superhero with no discernible insights, blahblahimgoingtoscrewthisupforeveryonecakes.

Wow, all the way to Toledo. I wonder if the Mud Hens are playing?

Oy. What a fine mess she's gotten us into.

S'all for now!

- The Latvarian Moussaka and Marching Society

NEW AVENGERS #16: CANADA IS NO HELP AT ALL

[A stream of consciousness live-blog]

Something bad is happening in the Northwest Territories... energy from a million mutants - the real cause of Global Warning. Maybe Al Gore's a mutant.

Ok, I suck at geography, but that first fiery, swirly thing is not coming from Alaska, it's Canada. Frickin' Canucks... Are there two thingies?

North Pole Alaska - where's my oil dividend check, white man!

Sabu has landed in Alaska?

Damn these hands, damn these fiery hands!

Is this Dick Cheney's origin?

Ah, it's good to be back in the non-dream time and where Tony is hot and SHIELD is not-to-be-trusted-or-are-they.

Eileen Harshaw.... new to me...

Burn. I know you said I'll like Hill, but she's got to eeeaaarrn it.

Ok, she earned a bit right there for kicking that dillweed off the ship.

Ok, so there are two points.

Alpha Flight - all I know is that one of them is gay. I'm guessing it's the maple leaf dude.

Wow, they were done in pretty fast! I wonder who that fireman from space is! Goodbye, second string super hero team from a second string nation! How does it feel Canada???? Thanks for the cameo!

Call the Avengers. Get over yourself, admit you need them and call. Sheesh...military. You tell her Pres!

It's Captain America. he'll take this down. He always wins. Somehow. - Right on!

It's headed for America! Somewhere that matters. Now it's time to act! Protect Wal-Mart at all cost!

She doesn't get to say Avengers Assemble. Pffft!

What kinda crap is this... a shortie so they could pawn off Kickin' it to Hell? Maybe the Canadians fall for that stuff....

Ok, all for now...

Will I find out why that man is on fire? Will it be better than Man on Fire, which wasn't bad, but I still like the original with Scott Glenn (weird though it is) better? Will Tony get some sleep? Will Cap save the day? Will Spider-Man say "oy"? Will Spider-Woman suffer from lower back pain? Will Sentry go all Britney? Will Luke lose his shirt? Will Wolverine remember some part of his past that he didn't remember when he remembered everything else? Will Hawkeye join the fray? Will Canada admit their bacon is just ham?

Stay tuned!

NEW AVENGERS ILLUMINATI #4: SHE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU

[A stream of consciousness live-blog]

Part 4...

Oooo...broody Doctor Strange.

Love this exchange between Stephen and Reed. Says a lot about each of them.

"Clea left me.
Clea?
My protege.
Oh, have I met her?
32 times."

It just gets funnier. You're going to have read this one.

"She decided it would be a better use of her time to battle demons, goblins, firelords and the antichrist... than actually be married to me."

I didn't know she was running for Congress. Rimshot!

Maybe if Stephen wasn't thinking about menage a trois (we never forget!) with crazyass Wanda, Clea would still be around. Men. That's right! Men.

So love this scene. Fun pseudo conversation and my uterus feels vindicated.

Oooo, that glare at Tony's remark makes me puddley. Phrrroowww. Sexy bastard. I'm still mad at him. I think. I'm not really. Maybe. It depends. Ask me next issue.

Doc is a hockey fan? Wow. Just when I thought I couldn't love him more.

Tony is a dog. I know...newsflash. But, damn.

Oooo, I think we all know where Sue goes when she gets cranky with Reed. A little sushi, if ya know what I know what I mean...

Oh, Namor. Tellin' it like it is.

It's fun, but very odd to see them all talk about such personal issues to so openly and to see Doc brood publicly (sort of). He does a fair amount of this in private and goes to pieces briefly when Clea leaves him in his own title, but this, while fun, feels a bit forced. Ah well, ya takes the good ya takes the bad, the facts of life...the facts of life.

Is Tony still drinking here, cause he looks like he's had a little too much Glenlivet. You're the baloney, Mandarin!

And, what's with the armor? The partial faceplate and ear doohickies, like high school wrestlers wear. It don't make no sense. Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're our only hope.

Marvel Boy - The Dumb Donald of the Cosmos.

Seriously, what is that on his head?

He's declared war on mankind. Well, get in line, bub!

Tony's request is really sort of morally adjacent isn't it? No wonder he ends up taking over SHIELD. He's a natural.

Oh, Charles taking umbrage. I never change people's minds without their knowledge, except all the time.

Wow, a little presage for House of M which already happened but hasn't happened here.

Anthony Newley, Stop the World, I want to get off!

Does Charles gamble, cause he'd be hell in a poker game.

Ok, Reed and Tony need to step away from the computers. They're scaring me. They really do think of peeps like computers. Heck, Tony is one. Sorta. Man, they need some granola and a weekend with Euell Gibbons.

Love that Doc wants to talk the dude out of war. You go, Doc. It's worked in Panmunjam. Shout out to the M*A*S*H*I*E*S!

And then there's Namor's more direct approach. Eat vibranium, Kree boy!

But, he does have a point. Namor could wear pants once in a while when he's on land. I think he should get some True Religion jeans, the fit is fabulous!

Was the inker on strike for two pages? Pukish sepia tone?

Do I care about this punk kid? Sure, he's a threat, or they've told me he's a threat, but he looks more like a threat to local Abercrombie and Fitch than the fate of the world.

Oh, Charles getting stern.

What's the deal with back to back stories about young, powerful aliens wanting to dominate the earth. They're so similar. It's weird. I'm assuming there's a grand plan here, but it feels deja-vu-y and not in a cool, oooo way, but in a hey, i saw this episode of Law and Order yesterday - twice - way.

Hee...thank heaven for Namor. Kickin' ass.

Thank god aliens are so patient and gullible with that "but the Earthlings have so much promise, they must be allowed to grow, they have great potential"... line... what if that's a sham? What if this pathetic mess we are is as good as we get? Well, the joke's on you, alien species who rolled the dice on us! Don't you have egg on your face.

Well, at least Reed's making an effort. Today.

Tony. Oy, Empty glass and a bucket full of issues.

Poor Doc. I know Clea had to go, but I wish she'd come back. *sniff* Allergies.

And... Scene.

Set-up, complete.

Well, that's it for the prelims. On to Civil War or the Road to it anyway. I'm filled with nervous anticipation. I know it's going to be painful, but I have to do it!

NEW AVENGERS ILLUMINATI #3: PUT ON YOUR MEMBERS ONLY JACKET!

[A stream of consciousness live-blog]

Ish 3...

OOoo, they've given Charles the Raccoon-Eyes of Evil Intent. Or maybe he's just tuckered. Why is it that evil always has shadowed/dark rimmed eyes? Are their evil ways keeping them up at night? Vitamin B deficiency? Reed should study that.

Ok, I'm guessing I'm supposed to know who this Beyonder is. The only thing he seems beyond right now is fashion sense.

"He constructed a place called Battleworld and populated it with 37 men and women from the planet earth. Then told us to fight to the death." - See it, Monday nights at eleven on SpikeTV - television for men.

Ooooo, big cool two-panel with oodles and kaboodles of supers. Hmmmm, Hawkeye and Thor. I wonder when this was.

Why do people in wheelchairs get blankets and the rest of us don't?

An inhuman mutant...like Sammy Davis, Jr.

Poor BlackBolt. He needs another hug. I'm here for you and your sensual, pouty mouth, BB! No tongue, though. That would shatter a mountain.

Again, with the quickly and quietly.

Doc's looking very serious and slightly ominous.

Oh, snap. You tell him, Namor. He's keeping something from them.

Hee. He will bow down..love you, Namor.

Ok, hold the phone. We don't know where Tony is and we hope he's ok? A little cavalier (and no Clay) there isn't it?

Love how Namor peels the baloney off the bread and accusing them of profiting off the Skrull ship!

Cool. Manhattan in the middle of an asteroid belt. It's probably easier to drive into than the real one.

There are no people here. They have no minds. They are just empty vessels. - Yup, Manhattan all right. Don't hate the playa, hate the game. Left Coast!

Coolsies, blaxsploitation Luke and old school Spidey with new school webbing? Is that a no prize?

The Beyonder is...........Denny Terrio? I wonder if he'll sue Merv Griffin later in this ish.

By the Boogers of Bendis! Looks like he's going to pick Doc's nose!

Wow, he did bow down. Boltagon? Okay, that's lame. Even Blackie McBoltington would be better.

Oooo. HULK SMASH his way into my heart.

Doc's having a hard time with this. That'd be a great way to kill him, not that I support that in any way, but to tamper with the natural order. It makes him ooky.

Ok, it's unnatural cause the Mists got their, uhm, mists in a twist and created him? That's bogus. He's as natural as corn syrup. Didn't you hear? It's just made from corn!

But seriously. He's getting the fuzzy end of the lollipop here. He created a fantasy world with fake people and plays with them. If that's wrong, I don't want to be right! Is this some self-reflexive loathing on Marvel's part? Where would they be without Beyonders, I mean fans?

We can interfere with our own species. I'm going to remember that!

Holy crap! Doc's in bed with Clea and...Wanda? Is that Wanda? THAT'S his greatest fantasy? I'm so depressed.

Seriously. I threw up a little in my mouth.

Great panel looking back down into the skylight of his village house.

And Reed dreams of Iron Man with boobies?

Wtf?

Namor's people invading the surface world, that I can live with.. that makes sense... but the others.. I can't go on...

Finally. Good for you BB!

Doc is having a total spaz. Did he turn him to stone? Yikes. I second your "Uhm", Reed, and add a "The Hell?" Did he do it to himself?

He was fragile...infantile. "And quite a %^$# idiot. " - Teehee!

Ok, so, I don't know what to make of any of that. All I know is I'm still barfy and need a drink. Oh, Doc. I thought I knew ya! I will have to purge all memory of this or find some fantastic rationalization. It just doesn't compute. I know he's a man, but his greatest desire is a threesome? I expect that from Amy Winehouse, but not from Doctor Strange.

I guess not having read about the Beyonder before leaves me a disadvantage here, but this ish left me with a strong "what the frak was that?" feeling. Characters out of whack and the story.. I don't get it.

Oh, well. They can't all be home runs. Unless you're juiced. Right, A-Rod?

S'all for tonight. I'm going to pretend none of that happened and weep softly.

NEW AVENGERS ILLUMINATI #2: NO GLOVE, NO LOVE

[A stream of consciousness live-blog]

Part 2...

The Infinity Gem, this Valentine's Day from Kay jewelers. Don't give her a diamond....give her Infinity. Or, better yet, cash.

Why is Doc always sending his astral projection to these meetings? The traffic in the village is murder, I'll just astrally project and be home in time for ER.

She-Hulk took it from Titania...Hee...TITania.

Why is Tony squicked by She-Hulk having many bad guys and is "bad guys" a euphemism?

Ooo, Namor no likey.

Ok, Infinity Gauntlet. Shame on me, but haven't read. I'm guessing the Gauntlet is that Mandarin meet Michael Jackson abomination on the cover.

I propose we quickly and quietly find all six of the infinity gems. - Hee! Let's see, quickly and quietly - these guys? I suppose they could get Nick Fury to mindwipe everyone...Sorry, I'm still bitter.

Wow, apparently Reed can do things quickly and quietly. Just ask Sue! Ba-dum-cha! That joke, in honor of Sue, was invisible.

I'm worried. Has Reed been spending too much time in the Negative Zone?

It's funny, I've had this feeling something annoying was lodged in the collective unconsciousness. I thought it was Nancy Grace.

I'm tellin' ya, I think Stretcho's gone a bit around the bend.

The Xavier Academy for Gifted Youngsters - "Gifted Youngsters" always makes me snicker. Sooooo pretentious.

Doctor Strange is my anchor too! Love you, Stephen!

Pissy Namor. I love when he's all petulant, which, let's face it, is pretty much all the time. Maybe it's because he's mostly in a Speedo.

The collective unconscious is blank? Maybe TV is bad for you.

Ok, the Gem is the collective unconscious. I get it. Cool, that's --. I don't get it.

Is that sweat dripping from Reed's brow? What isn't he telling them? Secrets, secrets are no fun. Secrets, secrets, hurt someone!

I always feel sorry for Black Bolt. He should carry around a little pad to write notes on. That would ruin the fine line of his form-fitting black suit, but... Really. Not being able to talk or scream or laugh. He needs an Earth-shattering hug.

They're doing it! But what are they doing? Harnessing the shockwave and power of BB's scream to warp time?

Hehehe. I do so adore the Ever Lovin' Thing. He would be an hysterical addition to this serious brainy mix.

Ripping reality - not recommended.

That horrifying toothy monster - now, that's the collective unconscious!

Yikes, it's disenchancelling Tony's arm!

Ooooo, I love the panel with Doc screaming Noooo! There's something about it that takes me back. And he has excellent teeth.

Get the Gauntlet!

Gah! That was creepy. Come on Illuminati. Wake up.

Uatu! Bringing the smack down! He totally reminds me of those peeps from that Star Trek episode the Empath where Kirk, Spock and McCoy are held captive on Panet Stage Ten and these big-headed aliens are running an experiment with this waifish chick who can take away their pain and injuries. And everyone is all "No, spare my friends. Take me. Hurt me, not them!" And she risks her phoney-baloney life to save McCoy (I think) and yay, she's an empath and wears gauze! And, btw, what was that girl's name?... GEM. Coincidence? Totally. I shudder to think at the endless hurt/comfort stories written in basements around the globe after that episode aired. Hold me, Spock.

"I have broken the code of my existence countless times for you." - Hee. Maybe the code blows? Or he's not Watcher material. Maybe he's just a Peeker or a Glancer. Just kidding. Love you, Uatu.

Hmmm.. six gems.. six Illuminati. Either that or they give it Menudo.

Okay, okay... Menudo only had five members, but they could always give the What Happened to My Career Gem to Ricky Martin.

Ok, I trust Doc and Black Bolt to protect and not use their gems, but the others... not that they'd do bad things on purpose, but they all have enough ego to believe they could wield the power for good and it "had to be done and they were the only ones to do it." Men. I can see each of them justifying the use. I think Namor's already thinking about it.

*pretentious ghostly voice* No good will come of this!

Reed looks suitable chastened, but good god man, what were you thinking? Have you not read any of the previous issues?

Just for that Namor should get to sleep with Sue. Again.

And that look.. damn, that's a creepy I'm gonna use my gem before I even get to my car look if I ever saw one. Charles never looked sexier.

S'all for now!

NEW AVENGERS ILLUMINATI #1: MOOOOM, THE SKRULLS ARE TOUCHING ME!

[A stream of consciousness live-blog]

Ya know, it's the desert planets you have to look out for. They're always invading. The lush green planets with foliage, they hang out and peel fruit. But the dry places, they'll stab as soon as look at you. If the Middle East were still a verdant plain, none of this mishegaas would be happening today.

Sew those Secret Invasion seeds of corporate synergy!

Uninvited, they just drop by, I didn't have time to tidy up!

I guess Doc transported them or was it Reed? Think of the redeemable miles!

But seriously, wow. What an abrupt and to the f'ing point arrival. Hi, how are ya, don't even think about it...I wish my family was like this on holidays.

Gosh, Reed getting angry. He's always so calm.

Ok, this is not going well.

Uh-oh, great panel with Black Bolt about to speak.

Holy shitski. One word and KABLAMO! The whole place is Detroited.

Run away! Run away!

Nothing like a good Quinjet for a quick escape.

That was like some serious adult Ding-Dong Ditch.

Ah, Namor, so gracious in victory.

Wow. They's blowed out of the sky. Ruh-roh.

Ooooo.. stretching Reed to his limits. That sounds (and looks) painful.

Namor's gettin' cooked. Au Gratin.

He's going to invite his family to watch the torture? These Skrulls...is there anything redeeming about them? I know there's a whole thing with the Terrigen Mists, right? It's all embuey or something.

Hey, it looks like Chuck is standing. He gets cured and uncured a lot, don't he?

Yay, Doc confounds them. I summon the Culottes of Confusion! Is it a skirt or is it shorts? You don't know!

Oh, a Skrull putting on Iron Man's helmet.. that's pissing me off!

Naked Tony. This issue has it all.

Holy Appearing Avengers! Are they real? They can't be real. So cool to see the old team! Seeing them like this really makes me miss them. I would love, love, love, a retro Avengers title that had the 60s and 70s teams in modernly told tales. Like this but the whole dealio.

Go, naked Tony, go!

Yikes. An angry Xavier. He scares me more than Magneto. Must be all the curing and uncuring.

I would very much like to hit something. - Hee!

No, mustn't leave the Eye! Look into my eyes, Tony. Fyvush Finkel!

D'oh! That lone skrull in Reed's torture chamber is gonna be soooo sorry. Go Namor!

By Hoary Host of ABC's Good Morning America...

OoooOOoooo. Galactus. Now, that's a quality illusion! Don't know how many GCI peeps it would take for us plain folks to pull that off.

But, hey, we made it clear that if come for us, the fight will be a real fight. Maybe now they'll look for someone else to pick on.

Pause.

Well, at least now they know it'll be a good fight.

Great moment. And leaving behind a seething, battered, vengeful enemy who's willing to wait.

MUY FANTASTICO.

Love it. It's sooooo great to see so much Doc and I love all of the others too. Also nice to know that the apparently best and brightest minds of the Marvel Universe have just, by their taking the fight to the enemy, started a friggin' war. Nice goin'! Thanks, Earth's Mightiest! Stark Enterprises probably also manufactures duct tape.

Can't wait to read the next ish, but I'll save it. By the Hairpins of Harlem, I will!

- Uatu

HOUSE OF M #8: LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE

[A stream of consciousness live-blog]

Starring Shaun Cassidy as Pietro and Linda Purl as Wanda!

Last Ish...

Love both covers - the Wolverine about to give a very close shave and the black and white one with peeps in various states.

A city at peace... what mansion is that with the double Hs? Doesn't look like the old Avengers Mansion... Hmmmm...

Interesting, so it's like it never was, but it was in their heads, but it wasn't in their heads? Poor Peter. He loves MJ, but she's no Gwen Stacy - THE LOVE OF HIS LIFE AND THERE WILL NEVER BE ANYONE HE LOVES AS MUCH.

Ah, some do remember and some don't. Poor Peter. Man. He's like the perpetually-suffering sad sack of Marvel. He needs to read "The Secret".

Poor Doc! He does not look well. Needs a hug - stat!

Po lil' ex-Xers. They's all a muddle without their powers. Welcome to my world, former muties! You ain't so bad NOW!

Great page-panel of Logan remembering! But I bet he still can't find his keys.

Where the hoodahey is Charles? For a while I thought he was actually Layla.

I gotta say, it's a very clever reboot - no more, well only a few, mutants.

Gosh, it's good to see Cap again. I actually missed him. It was smart to remove him, not just 'cause it was moving to see him old, but because his soothing influence would have been too "settling" and this needed to be unsettling...and it was.

Even in the Marvel Universe we can't escape the FRAKKING EVANGELICALS!

Wow, Doc is in a bad way. I must bundle him!

Oh no. Is he gonna go walk the earth now? Again?

Gosh, that exchange between Peter and Doc was just brutal.

It's Hawkeye isn't it? It's him. Right? He's the one at the mansion cause he's all kaboodled in his head and didn't know where else to go. It's him, right?

I know it's him.

Hee! LOVE the little smile on Cap's face.

Oh yeah, Eric. Disenchancelled. Ouch.

The fork makes a little W for Wanda! Not so magnetic anymore, eh? That's gotta suck. And, his getting his powers back will be a fun story line too.

Tell us what you think, Crazy Hank Pym!

Meanwhile, Wanda markets.

Oooo, energy and actions and reactions...coolsies...story is over but not hardly...actual ramifications to come...Wanda will probably be picking out ripe fruit at the Transian street market through all of it.

The End.

That was terrif. Really enjoyed muchly. Fun reset of the uni, with lots of fun storylines laid out there. So many new wounds to gape open and fester. So much like my life.

HOUSE OF M #7: HE AIN'T HEAVY... HE'S MY LOVER BROTHER

[A stream of consciousness live-blog]

Before we begin, just read House Of M Spidey #4. Great. Loved, loved, loved Ben and the Stacys on their mission. Loved the complete absence of Mary Jane.

Thwip! Very stealthy, that noise. No one would EVER hear him coming.

Okay, on to ish 7...opensies...

Beautiful cover with Wanda cradling her lover, I mean brother, I mean lover, I mean brother, I mean both, ew, I mean just brother, Pietro.

Bigass fightsies. Too bad that little mutant girl couldn't zap everyone there before she went off with Cloak to find Chuck.

Uh-oh, Wanda pieces.

Angry Quicksilver likes his sister WAY too much.

Hee. Love the cutout/inset of Doc's reaction. He thinks Quicksilver likes his sister way too much, too. There should be a spell for that.

Such polite greetings. Wanda, you look well. Thank you for rending the very fabric of spacetime. Got any lady fingers?

Ooo, crazy Wanda eyes. Doc is the perfect person for this task. He's so calm, gracious and in control and he loves me. And, he asks the question that's been plaguing me. How long has she been "playing with the world"? Probably longer than Stephen has been playing with mine.

That puzzle piece device is fabu. Rubik's Reality.

Doc sees all. I wonder if he sees anything from Yummy Cupcakes in my future.

That Pietro/Eric scene is one my all-time faves. Sooooo beautifully done. And now, more.. poor Wanda, poor Pietro....and fwiw, I love the subtle change in the Doc panels as he watches these scenes from the past...is eyes change. He is probably thinking about me.

Great stuff... it wasn't Magento.. very, very nice.

I actually gasped at the Wanda with an arrow in her just as she was going to tell Doc what he needed to know. Hawkeye? Did you do that?

Oh shit. Mageneto.

Clint! Damn it. Fuckin' freelancers.

Love hurts.

Lots.

Damn those Wanda kids are scary. Worse than Kimora Lee Simmons'.

There goes Hawkeye again. I understand his anger, but damn man....t-t-timing.

For God's sake Doc, get control of this situation! And my heart!

Uh-oh, Daddy's angry.

Wow. I've never seen or even really thought about a truly cheesed-off Magneto before. He's always been so calm and in control. I'm scared.

Did he kill him????

No... maybe, she Wanda-ized him back.

Talk about daddy issues. Wow.

Uh-oh is right.

No more mutants. Wow. Cool.

I wonder what Doc is doing in that panel. The mutants above are being disenchancelled, but he's not a mutant, and he's workin' his magic mojo somethin' fierce....

And back to white we go.

Wow, that was great! What a jam-packed issue. Jinkies. No more mutants. Can't wait to see how that plays out! I know they must remutantate at some point, but what a fun, cool idea.

I know this wasn't a funny blog entry, cause I was taking it so seriously. I'm a geek. I'll be snarkier next time. :-)

- Spineless, wishy-washy, yellow-belly Bruce Banner

HOUSE OF M #6: WHAT IF YOU THREW A PARTY AND EVERYONE CAME

Stomachs in!

[A stream of consciousness live-blog]

Reading because the world has gone mad...

Have to admit, Emma's powers of persuasion are pretty spanky. Controlling so many minds at once, implanting thoughts, it's like she's an evangelical preacher...

Hmmm.. Doom is not in the crazy-bin...this is where I wonder if I read out of order, or if this will be explained or I just have to go with it 'cause not all of it makes sense anyway... I'll take Door Number Three, Monty.

Love the little exchange re: their wimmins between Luke and Spidey. They are doodle-bugs even though Luke is all street and Electric Boogaloo.

That's a tough one, Scott. No moral restraint. Yes, everything is on the line, but winning at all cost? Quite the ethical pickle!

And, for all the moral conundruming, Doc is conspicously silent. Where art thou, Stephen?

The parade of dignitaries at Magnus' shindig is kinda creepy... they got sumptin' planned... I hope.

The Magnuses are a nice looking family, I'll give them that. They're like the Windsors only with jawlines....but the double-mint twins, Little Lord Fauntleroy boys - kreepee

Ok, that giant Sentinel thingy flying at them and Magnus is all, oh, no you di-int and the stopping with his magnety hand.. and people are like holy shit and and it's like really big and cool and stuff.

Giant 2 pager - I loves those...

Fight! Fight! Fight! Can't we all just get along?

Oooo, Cloak going all poof and leaving a puddle of his cloaky self....neato. I want to fix him up with my acupuncturist. Just think she'd adore him.

No Charles = bad. No Charles bones = good.

The end? Poop.

That was way too fast. Read it in half-a-cupcake-eating. Damnitalltoheck.

Only about 15,000 issues left!

HOUSE OF M #5: MISTY WATER-COLORED MEMORIES

[A stream of consciousness live-blog]

Opensies. readsies....

They's walkin' on her brains. Boy, no pressure. Subtle Emma is not.

Wow, did Scott barf? Is it solar-powered?

Coolsies... going to get Peter. It's so great to see that others know how cool and important he is! To sales!

What a GREAT two-paneler! Oh, Gwendy! MJ sucks. Just reminding myself.

Wow, 3 different images of her death...important? Just a little! MJ who? Redhead, freckles? What-EV...

Poor Peter.... quipping and gripping, his two biggest strengths.

Yay, Doc! But, trim that fu-manchu stat!

You go, little Layla! Clap on! No use? Cap? Even at 100 I want him on my team.

Again with them all together... I get all goosepimpley. Gotta say, I love seeing all the in plain clothes - suits. Sexy.

Boy, are these cats spoilin' for a fight or what? Mess with my mind wills ya!?!

So, Charles, eh? Hmmmmm...My money is on Wanda with an assist from Magneto, but him being missing and his powers, it does make sense....

Poor Hawkeye.. so very messed up. Is it because he had never had own series? Or is it that he doesn't have his own series because he's so very messed up?

Ah...so Hawkeye left, maybe now he goes and has his Pulse 10 adventure and his Where's Wanda...

Is Layla part of Wanda? Or a part of all os us? Or just a street urchin who's a part of no one? I know, I know, shuddup and read!

Hmmm.. Magneto, still hot.... brooding...and visiting Chuck's marker... hmmm.... tbc.

Cliff Notes: Things are still weird but now all the heroes know it and they're cheesed.

HOUSE OF M #4: PLEASE, HOLD ME

[A stream of consciousness live-blog]

Okay reading...when last we left things were all What-If?fy...

Hawkeye with the shooting the and the arrows and the not being dead.

Genosha.. sounds like planned community in Florida - gracious seaside living for the 55+ active mutant. Either that or a pasta...I'll have the Genosha Fazool and side salad.

Ok, little Magnus grandchild is freaky...yes, it's good, Anthony, what you did is good.... don't wish me into the cornfield...but Eric's dark look... not of the good.

Hee, Clint, shoot first and ask questions if they aren't dead...

Cloak is seriously handy to have around. With him I could get into Le Dome.

And, I love how Logan is such a tough so-and-so, but with serious inner doodle. He's the one who took care of the kid. He likes kids and not in an icky way.

What's an Avenger? - Ouch.... so sad...

Lorna Doone is Magneto's child? Or is it Lorna Luft? Does have magnety powers or merely the power to entertain at supperclubs?

The human one? Wanda...now, that's interesting!

So, who's the girl who knows? Hmmm... Iron Fist - yay.. Moon Knight - Pfft....can't get into a guy who wears the same color scheme as Mr. Stay Puft.

What they always wanted....I'll have to noodle on that. I guess mutant-wise speaking they've got it going pretty well, but...

Ok... they went to Emma Frosts and she remembers, but I have no idea how or what the kid means or what she saw.....I'm so confoozled.

Cliff Notes: I am lost and need to be held.

NEW AVENGERS #1-6: RECAP ON 2 STARBUCKS AND ENTENMANN'S

So there's a prison that holds super-villains in New York and a guy with electric hands rips a hole in it and busts out all the scary-ass peeps and the Avengers can't assemble because they've recently Disassembled so there'll be no assembly required. Or will there? Peter McSpider-Man hooks up with Captain America (who looks awesome, art is wonderful) who hooks up with Daredevil in his regular-guy lawyer persona and Luke Cage and Spider-Woman to fight the fleeing and attacking villains and it's not going so well.

But then Iron Man shows up, and everyone starts acting a little team-y because Captain America knows his shit. More fighty and then it looks bad again for our guys and then The Sentry, who looks like God with a God complex, flies in and puts some gross hurtin' on villains and alien symbiotes. Cap tells Iron Man that this means there are New Avengers, it's a sign from heaven or Abraham and Esther Hicks, and Iron Man sighs and says okay because he's rich. Cap goes on a recruitment drive and lands Luke, Peter-Spidey, Spider-Woman and her heart-shaped bottom, but not Daredevil because he has problems, one of which is apparently that he whines.

Then the New Are We Avengers Yet are off to a Jungle Land to fight a guy who can turn into a Pterodactyl and hypnotize you (because it's not enough to be a half-man, half-Pterodactyl), they run into Wolverine because this team needs another flagship character for sales, they get captured and someone takes their clothes off and they're hanging there naked, full-on, their hooh-hahs and hooty-cats covered by bands of energy. They bust out and fight some monsters and find out that whatever the hell is going on here at Jungle Cruise, SHIELD is involved. They just are. The Are We Avengers Yet have a hug-it-out session and offically declare without directly declaring it that they are now a real team and our adventure has only begun, and Spider-Woman is very suspicious and a lying whore and how will anyone share a bathroom with Wolverine? The adventure continues.

This was awesome and better than six summer movies crammed together. The naked part was best.

HOUSE OF M #3: AFFECTED BY THE HOUSING BUBBLE?

[A stream of consciousness live-blog]

Okay so when last we left all the Marvel heroes were all confused and in opposite-land and I can barely keep up with what's happening in their real reality anyway, and please hold me.

Okay reading...

HUUUULLLKKK!!!! Bless his beautiful hide. I've missed him. Apparently in real universe he is currently on another planet or Narnia or Lancaster. Banished by Iron Man, Mister Fantastic (he has a strong sense of self), some guy who doesn't speak because if he does big kill-y shockwaves come out of his mouth, and Sub-Mariner, who hates everyone but clearly needs friends. I'm sure Hulk will come back just in time for his movie with Ed Norton, if only to host the special effects Oscars.

This week, a clip show - the best of Wolverine... more great art.

Oh, love his take/expression on the "Lord Magnus" line. Lord Magnus sounds like the new male fragrance from Lancome. Lord Magnus. Rule Your Desire. Get one of the dudes from "Rome" to be the actor in the commercial and you're good.

He just jumped... and landed... ow. Would love to have Wolverine's healing factor, though. Better than Pamprin and much, much faster.

That Pulse cover is a riot. Erik Magnus played by Warren Beatty. I like when movie star faces show up on these characters. Gives them that extra bit of verismilitude. I bet Warren Beatty/Magnus has had every heroine at one time or another. Truly magnetic.

Why does Logan remember.... and no one else (yet)? Because he is a mutant? Because he is a flagship character? Does Hugh Jackman suddenly know everything as well? How will this affect his Oscar gig? Maybe it will move faster this year.

Ohhhh, it's like a whole thing - two page mag spread. Funsies. Artwork is incredible.

And gay icon - Namor.

Octavius - Bio-ethicist... wow. I thought he would be a professional character actor like Alfredo Molina, and Molina in this world would be a short-order cook. I wasn't even close.

Tony and a hostile takeover.

Hmmm.. Mastermind...he looks soooo much like this guy I always see staring at me at Starbucks. All he needs is a crossword book.

Shang-Chi! Now I'm hungry.

Tony and an illegitmate kid with a model. In this reality he is even more of a mougar (male cougar). He probably won't want to leave when things get all fix-apated.

Hee... love how Logan takes the bike.. looking for Chuck, good idea... no dice... Interesting that he chooses Petey as his next port of call...probably because Pete seems so suggestible, so reed-in-the-wind, who am I? all the time. I get it but not attractive, post age 27. How the hell old is Peter McSpider-Man supposed to be, anyway? He drawn like a wanna-be vaguely-20-ish L.A. struggling actor. "How old am i? Well, I can PLAY seventeen too twenty-seven."

Who or what is that cloaked black hole person thingy and can we send him to Congress?

Ooooo, Luke. He's even cooler in this world.

HAWKEYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Holy crap on a crutch. He died like a year ago, and now he's alive in a world. Gone. Mad!!!

Cliff Notes: So Wolverine knows that it's all a cha-raaade and tries to convince peeps that they are not real while running from them and cutting off their ears. Peter McSpider-Man looks to be the easiest mark to believe this insane story from a 5 foot-nothing Canadian animal-human hybrid. Hawkeye-the-very-popular-but-not-enough-to-have-his-own-series-dead Avenger is alive and probably famished. Then an anti-marijuana ad after the last page, and now I want to smoke even though I haven’t in years, thank you, The Man, and we're out.