Saturday, February 14, 2009

IS THIS TOO GAY?

1970s HULK HANDICAPS OSCARS


HULK HATE PUNY HUMANS --- HULK HATE PUNY BANNER MOST OF ALL -- BUT HULK LOVE MOVIES. HULK HAS SEEN ALL MOVIES ABOUT HULK. HULK PREFER MOST RECENT MOVIE WITH ED NORTON BUT HULK NO WANT TO HURT ANG LEE’S FEELINGS BECAUSE HULK HAVE SCREENPLAY.

HULK LOOKING FORWARD TO OSCARS. HULK BIG FAN OF HUGH JACKMAN. HUGH JACKMAN BEST PETER ALLEN EVER. YOU NO AGREE WITH HULK??!!! HULK SMASH!!!!!!!!!!

HULK DONE SMASHING AND READY FOR OSCAR PICKS NOW.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS -

HULK DOESN’T CARE.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR -

EVEN HULK KNOW HEATH LEDGER WIN. HULK PREFER JOSH BROLIN IN “MILK” BECAUSE HULK LIKE MILK. HULK LIKE MILK THE DRINK, NOT PUNY HUMAN MILK. HULK NOT GAY. WHY EVERYONE THINK THAT?

BEST ACTRESS -

ANNE HATHAWAY, “RACHEL GETTING MARRIED” -

HULK LIKE “PRINCESS DIARIES”. HULK DID NOT SEE THIS MOVIE. MOVIE IN LIMITED RELEASE AND HULK ALWAYS BEING CHASED AND CAPTURED BY PUNY HUMANS.

ANGELINA JOLIE, “CHANGELING” -

ANGELINA UNDERSTAND HULK. ANGELINA FEED POOR CHILDREN AND TALK ABOUT PEACE. HULK WANT PEACE, TOO. HULK JUST WANT TO BE LEFT ALONE. ANGELINA PRETTY FOR PUNY HUMAN. MAKE HULK NERVOUS. ANGELINA WIN. IF ANGELINA LOSE, HULK WILL SMASH YOU ALL.

MELISSA LEO, “FROZEN RIVER” -

HULK YAWN. HULK WANT BEANS.

MERYL STREEP, “DOUBT” -

HULK HATE TO BE BITCHY, BUT HULK “DOUBT” VERY MUCH STREEP WIN BECAUSE STREEP WIN SO MUCH STREEP BORING. HULK LIKE FRESH FACES. HULK HAVE LIMITED ATTENTION SPAN. HULK “DOUBT” STREEP WILL BE WALKING AWAY WITH OSCAR FOR “DOUBT”. HULK HATE PUNY STREEP. STREEP TURN DOWN HULK’S SCREENPLAY. HULK WILL SMASH HER BECAUSE HULK IS THE STRONGEST ONE THERE IS.

KATE WINSLET, “THE READER” -

HULK NO CAN READ. HULK’S COLUMN TYPED BY HULK’S ONLY FRIEND, BETTY. SO IMAGINE ANGER HULK FELT TO SEE THIS MOVIE. MOVIE MAKE FUN OF HULK BECAUSE HULK CANNOT READ. HULK HATE MOVIE, HULK HATE KATE WINSLET, HULK HATE BELOW-THE-LINE TALENT AND HULK HATE BONDING COMPANY!!! HULK SWEARS HE WILL SMASH YOU ALL IF IT IS LAST THING HULK DOES.

BEST ACTOR

RICHARD JENKINS, “THE VISITOR” -

BAH! HULK NO RECOGNIZE THIS ACTOR. ACTOR HAVE BAD REPRESENTATION. ACTOR NEED TO CAMPAIGN MORE. HULK SMASH ACTOR’S REPRESENTATION.

FRANK LANGELLA, “FROST-NIXON”

GRAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! HATE HATE NIXON!!!! NIXON SEND PUNY SOLDIERS AFTER HULK ALL THROUGHOUT LATE 60s AND EARLY 70s!!!! PUNY NIXON WANT TO CAPTURE HULK AND DROP HULK ON CAMBODIA. HULK NO WORK FOR THE MAN. HULK CRUSH NIXON AND NIXON’S WIFE PAT!!!!

BUT HULK MUST SAY, HULK SAW MOVIE AND LANGELLA GIVE REMARKABLE, LAYERED, SYMPATHETIC AND POWERFUL PERFORMANCE. HULK SAY, HELLO, FRANK LANGELLA, OSCAR’S CALLING ON LINE ONE!

SEAN PENN, “MILK” -

HULK CAN NO LONGER DISTINGUISH BEWTEEN SEAN PENN AS CHARACTER AND SEAN PENN HULK SEES IN NEWSPAPERS WHO HATE REPORTERS AND SCREAM AT BUSH ADMINISTRATION. HULK LAUGH BECAUSE HULK KNOW YOU CANNOT CHANGE THE SYSTEM FROM WITHIN THE SYSTEM. HULK MAY BE DUMB, BUT HULK KNOW A FEW THINGS.

ALSO, HULK STILL REMEMBER 1987’S “SHANGHAI SURPRISE”. MAKES HULK ANGRY. HULK SAY SEAN PENN LOSE.

BRAD PITT, “THE CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTON”

HULK SUSPECT THIS BRAD PITT’S YEAR. BUT IF PITT WIN, HULK WILL SMASH HIM AND GIVE OSCAR TO LANGELLA. IF LANGELLA SAY NO, HULK WILL SMASH LANGELLA TOO.

MICKEY ROURKE, “THE WRESTLER” -

WHAT THE FUCK MICKEY ROURKE DO TO MICKEY ROURKE’S FACE?!! MICKEY ROURKE LOOK LIKE KAYE BALLARD. HULK WILL SMASH THEM BOTH.

BEST DIRECTOR -

HULK DOES NOT KNOW WHO IS IN THIS CATEGORY BUT HAS FINGERS CROSSED FOR ANG LEE.

BEST PICTURE -

SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE. HULK HAS NOT SEEN MOVIE, BUT ALL PUNY HUMANS KEEP TELLING HULK BEFORE THEY TRY TO CAPTURE AND DESTROY HULK THAT HULK MUST SEE THIS MOVIE BECAUSE HULK WILL SIMPLY ADORE IT, AND IT HAS POOR PEOPLE IN IT WITH HOPE AND THAT HULK WILL CRY AT MIDDLE AND END. HULK CANNOT GO TO A STARBUCKS WITHOUT HULK HEARING ABOUT THIS MOVIE. HULK IS SICK OF IT. HULK WILL SMASH PUNY MOVIE SO OSCAR GO TO “BENJAMIN BUTTON”. THEN HULK WILL BE EVEN MADDER AND THEN HULK WILL SMASH YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HULK ALSO SAY “FROST/NIXON” MAY SURPRISE US ALL.

HULK TIRED. HULK FEEL PUNY BANNER IN HULK’S HEAD, RETURNING. HULK SAY GOOD-BYE FOR NOW, AND KEEP REACHING FOR STARS.

- HULK

1970s HULK REVIEWS BEANS


HULK LIKE BEANS.

- HULK

HOUSE OF M #4: PLEASE, HOLD ME



[A stream of consciousness live-blog]


Okay reading...when last we left things were all What-If?fy...

Hawkeye with the shooting the and the arrows and the not being dead.

Genosha.. sounds like planned community in Florida - gracious seaside living for the 55+ active mutant. Either that or a pasta...I'll have the Genosha Fazool and side salad.

Ok, little Magnus grandchild is freaky...yes, it's good, Anthony, what you did is good.... don't wish me into the cornfield...but Eric's dark look... not of the good.

Hee, Clint, shoot first and ask questions if they aren't dead...

Cloak is seriously handy to have around. With him I could get into Le Dome.

And, I love how Logan is such a tough so-and-so, but with serious inner doodle. He's the one who took care of the kid. He likes kids and not in an icky way.

What's an Avenger? - Ouch.... so sad...

Lorna Doone is Magneto's child? Or is it Lorna Luft? Does have magnety powers or merely the power to entertain at supperclubs?

The human one? Wanda...now, that's interesting!

So, who's the girl who knows? Hmmm... Iron Fist - yay.. Moon Knight - Pfft....can't get into a guy who wears the same color scheme as Mr. Stay Puft.

What they always wanted....I'll have to noodle on that. I guess mutant-wise speaking they've got it going pretty well, but...

Ok... they went to Emma Frosts and she remembers, but I have no idea how or what the kid means or what she saw.....I'm so confoozled.

Cliff Notes: I am lost and need to be held.

Friday, February 13, 2009

HANK PYM RECAPS "DOLLHOUSE"


Hello land mass! I’m brilliant scientific mind and superhero Hank Pym. I’m pretty much crazy. But let’s divest of formalities. Call me Ant-Man. Or Giant-Man. Or Yellowjacket. Or Goliath. Or possibly Black Goliath. But ya doesn’t has to calls me Johnson! That last sentence was what I call Period-Specific Obscure Performer Reference In Order To Evoke Amused Recognition At Such Retention Humor. Many of us top comic book scientist-adventurers indulge in it. It is a rewarding pastime, the way fishing or camping must be to boring people.

Having been several superheroes, a visionary scientist of undoubted repute and reputation, and a hitter of my wife, I am just about qualified to review movies, zoetropes, television programs, novellas, and hopefully, eight-tracks. As you can plainly glean, there is much joy and youthfulness in me. Currently “The Best Of Bobby Sherman” is playing on my Stylus SonoCom (patent 2004 Henry Pym), so I don’t think I need to convince any of you of my modernity and hipness and word-to-your-mother downness with the younglings today. But enough improper slang. Onward, my ants!

Tonight I am reverse-engineering “DOLLHOUSE”, a television program produced by the 20th Century Fox Corporation and beamed into our plasma screens by US Sattelite 43676. I have been informed via the IntraNet (not an incorrect spelling, but rather a pyscho-cybernetic liquid light communication interface developed by myself and Reed Richards, but mostly it was my idea) that its genre is that of “science fiction”, although I very much doubt there will be anything in this program that I have not already invented, patented, shrunk, grown, weaponized and had stolen from me by lesser scientists.

Thus far I have only seen two advertisements for this program, and have no other preconceptions or knowledge of same. I am only a passing viewer of the television medium, preferring to get my information and entertainment from challenging God Himself with the scope of my conceptions. Thus all I am aware of with certainty about tonight’s program is that the female lead is visually appealing, and I really want to hit her.

Following are my real-time notes on the program as broadcast by US Sattelite 43676:

“DOLLHOUSE”

PROLOGUE:

Program appears to be about a young lady who spends many hours engaged in toning exercise and far less hours attending to split ends. She enjoys motorcyling, crashing, and sartorially she is a winter. Her vigorous pep and salty tongue serve her well on the dance floor and in the stimulating of 20ish males who shave every third day. One male in particular seems to covet her companionship, most likely wanting to hit her.

She has just kissed said male, using a technique my word-search calls “Frenching”. Personal note: buy cheese.

She is wearing a slip on the outside.

She is changing into more comfortable garments while conveying exposition from a dental chair. A college Resident Advisor has just sent energy-waves into her cortex and expunged her recent memories, which could be much more quickly and easily accomplished with four Chocolatinis at The Cheesecake Factory. Her name is “Echo”. Extrapolation of her last name: Moscowitz. Or “Echo” again, echoing her first name. First extrapolation more plausible.

Echo walks the corridor of her home, a secret underground facility, with a blank smile on her face. Deduction: Echo/actress is staring at craft sevrices table, happy to see Mike And Ikes.

A young girl has just been kidnapped, shoving us painfully into opening credits, in which a methodone addict is repeating “La la la” while visual stimuli includes actress in bathing suit, sweatpants and assassin garb. Other actors are mentioned, but no sign of Gil Gerard.

Sixty-second commercial break is an advertisement for a new drug that maintains a four-hour erection but causes anal leakage. Another one of my ideas, stolen by Pfizer. I also invented a neutrino-based cream that stops anal leakage, but only if test subject maintains an erection for four hours. Personal note: hit wife.

Now we are in an office and an female attractive Brit is concerned. Extrapolation: she is concerned because film industry is trying to sell her as a “young Jane Seymour”.

Echo is examined by an attractive doctor/actress who is using her performance to cry out for her own series.

Echo enters a mysterious chamber and sees an Asian supermodel having a spasm. Resident Advisor tries to explain that they are not hurting her. Resident Advisor appears to have studied acting with Avery Schreiber. Investigate further.

White men meet with a youngish white man to discuss “The Dollhouse” project in a cynder block of exposition. Echo is a recipient of frequent personality-altering, and is considered a blank slate, devoid of soul. Having seven known personalities myself, I am failing to see the dramatic tension of this scene.

Echo sits in resident Advisor’s dental chair to show viewers her pert bosom. Reprogramming commences and is apparently mildly discomforting, akin to wearing Crest Whitening Strips.

Echo is now a smart woman with glasses. Her hair is pulled back in a bun, scientifically amplifying her intellect, as has been proved beyond all argument by all past television programs, films and commercials.

Commercial break: interrupted by local freeway chase. Chase ends suddenly when driver pulls over to order a Fourth Meal at Taco Bell. Feeling hungry, but not for tacos. Thinking about the nutritional properties of kale, and of hitting my wife.

Smart Echo uses her beauty to convince a day-player of her credibility.

She speaks Spanish. Source of this sudden bi-lingualism: her glasses.

Resident Advisor explains to Greg Morris that he is brilliant. This cannot be factual, as he is using Bluetooth.

Echo is whomever she needs to be at particular times in particular situations, like
someone who covets a Golden Globe.

A foreign stereotype threatens her over the phone. He is snarling, somehow believing she can see his face.

Echo is full of programmed exposition. Greg Morris is easily irritated.

I enjoy kale, and am getting up right now to get some.

Back. While I got kale, I heard a sad little kidnapped girl and her father. Foreigner snarls again.

Echo is distrusted by Kidnapped Girls’ Intense Father. Cannot fathom why he would not feel comfortable with a 27 year-old Maxim cover girl for a kidnap negotiator.

Rhinoplastic technology has grown in quantum measure since I last watched a television program. Believe it was “AfterMASH”. Personal note: hasn’t been a great male-female comedy team since Rosalind Cho-Jamie Farr.

Two men in a bathroom discuss how to most quickly get into Act Three.

A sniper targets Echo and Intense Father as daughter is revealed.

Echo has asthma. Feel bad about wanting to hit her now.

Shooting and escape. Echo cannot “fight a ghost”. Or her agent.

In the Dollhousemobile. Echo is anxious. Claims to have solution to episode’s problem. Resident Advisor’s plaid shirt possibly donated by wardrobe dept. from “Northern Exposure”. Give to T.A. for investigation.

Echo sits in dental chair to be wiped. Did not know this could be shown in prime time.
Wait. Wiping her memory. Got it. Kale is good for retention. Better than Gingko.

Via dental-chair-mind-wipe-deux-ex-litera, Echo claims to know where to find whomever can wrap up this story in the next seven minutes.

Commercial break: Commercial 1 - I do not know who this Malcolm is or what he is in the middle of, but apparently it is hilarious.

Commercial 2 - lead actress from “DOLLHOUSE” and lead actress from series preceeding hers look at camera as if a phallus and tell viewers to make Friday night a “Date Night” with them. Teenaged boys nation-wide feel funny and warm. My own resting heart rate has spiked, as if the actresses truly meant what they are proposing. Would refuse to take them up on their offer, however, as it would be too difficult to hit both of them, even if using Giant-man powers.

Back to program: Echo strides into final confrontation, which takes place in Griffith Park.

Resident Advisor’s haircut irrititating. Relieved that it detracts from his shirt and performance.

Thuggish men in a rotting house threaten Echo. Bald thug squishes Echo’s face in his hand. No signs of Botox but camera lens is speckled with Retin-A.

Echo: “You can’t fight a ghost.” Or AFTRA.

Echo finds little kidnapped girl.

A hotter girl than Echo enters, shoots Thugs. Echo is grateful but will most certainly try to get her fired during show’s run.

Echo and other young gym-sand-blasted women shower. Taking seven-minute break.

Okay, back. At The Dollhousecave, Echo climbs into a descended Sealy-Posturepedic and flashes-back to a character-justifying monologue. Her younger self says she wants “to do everything”. I want to use Dr. Doom’s time machine and get this hour back. Fade out.

Next Friday’s episode is full of mud and archery. Personal note: ask Hakeye to guest-review.

TEN SECOND REVIEW: DOLLHOUSE


They should have called this, My Own Worst Pilot.

BLUE MURDER. WHOSE COCKAMAMY IDEA WAS THIS ANYWAY?



“Again with the double winged demon statue of arcane import guarded by the giant thing that looks like the statue. Why am I blue?”

So apparently Doctor Stephen Crush Of Women Who Seek A Compensating Idealized Boyfriend And Father Image was once, in his semi-checkered and chessed career as a solo act, blue. Just blue. I dunno, just cuz. And he was blue for a lil’ bit, lil’ bit, and then they changed him back to the character everyone actually liked. And I hear tells that soon he will be made blue again in current comics, because blue is pretty and the people like pretty colors, they activate hidden pleasure centers by which entry is allowed in their souls to make them more receptive to the ads. When I snap my fingers you will stop reading this entry and feel pleasurable sensations throughout your body.

WOW ANOTHER SHORT-LIVED HANK PYM IDENTITY 3


1975. Don’t know what he was trying to prove here, other than street cred. He also turned wife Jan into an Albanian, and hit her. When this comic was cancelled he went back to being Marty Allen for a week, then, boom, he’s Yellowjacket again. The cover says I demanded this issue but I don’t remember being this demanding.

WOW ANOTHER SHORT-LIVED HANK PYM IDENTITY 2


Hello dere! In 1974 Hank went briefly from being Goliath to being Marty Allen, standup performer and thespian, seen here as Dr. Lorenzo Musica in the C.I.A.-MK/Ultra-produced kids’ show “Monster Squad”, which starred Fred “Love Boat"/Congressman/Illuminati Grandy as a youngish man who is friends with monsters who form a squad. This time Hank was on the other side of the spousal-abuse coin, and was beaten senseless by the real Marty Allen’s then-wife, Karen Allen of “Indiana Jones” fame. Hank’s bitterness at being back-handed by the wife of the comedian whose identity he adopted eventually led him to hit his own wife, Janet, really, really hard years later in a 1980-ish issue of The Avengers. But he didn’t hit Jan because he himself had been abused in 1969 as Marty Allen, he hit her because she was totally asking for it with all her opinions and needs.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

BY THE HOARY HOSTS OF MORNING SHOWS



"Ahhh-DERRR I'm de anti-Stephen from Animated Lame-Oria posing in a still from my crappy, crappy direct-to-DVD feature. Ahhh-DERRRR dis movie blows and I am so sorry I hurt you, Monique, it was da writers. A DOIII!!!"

Had not been so excited for a movie since "TAKEN." Cliff Notes: a character almost completely-unrecognizable as Stephen Strange becomes a master sorcerer in an hour and twenty minutes and puts down some Eastern evil demigods that represent the elements, corrupt power, and several reality-show actors. Stephen look like a manorexic Abercrombe & Fitch branch manager. Lots of storms and inclement weather. That's pretty much it. I'm not mad at Stephen for letting his soul be pimped out like Miley Cyrus. Well, maybe a little.

Liam Nesson IS Doctor Strange: Summer 2010. I likes.

Daniel Day-Lewis, too.

NEW AVENGERS #1-6: RECAP ON 2 STARBUCKS AND ENTENMANN'S


So there's a prison that holds super-villains in New York and a guy with electric hands rips a hole in it and busts out all the scary-ass peeps and the Avengers can't assemble because they've recently Disassembled so there'll be no assembly required. Or will there? Peter McSpider-Man hooks up with Captain America (who looks awesome, art is wonderful) who hooks up with Daredevil in his regular-guy lawyer persona and Luke Cage and Spider-Woman to fight the fleeing and attacking villains and it's not going so well.

But then Iron Man shows up, and everyone starts acting a little team-y because Captain America knows his shit. More fighty and then it looks bad again for our guys and then The Sentry, who looks like God with a God complex, flies in and puts some gross hurtin' on villains and alien symbiotes. Cap tells Iron Man that this means there are New Avengers, it's a sign from heaven or Abraham and Esther Hicks, and Iron Man sighs and says okay because he's rich. Cap goes on a recruitment drive and lands Luke, Peter-Spidey, Spider-Woman and her heart-shaped bottom, but not Daredevil because he has problems, one of which is apparently that he whines.

Then the New Are We Avengers Yet are off to a Jungle Land to fight a guy who can turn into a Pterodactyl and hypnotize you (because it's not enough to be a half-man, half-Pterodactyl), they run into Wolverine because this team needs another flagship character for sales, they get captured and someone takes their clothes off and they're hanging there naked, full-on, their hooh-hahs and hooty-cats covered by bands of energy. They bust out and fight some monsters and find out that whatever the hell is going on here at Jungle Cruise, SHIELD is involved. They just are. The Are We Avengers Yet have a hug-it-out session and offically declare without directly declaring it that they are now a real team and our adventure has only begun, and Spider-Woman is very suspicious and a lying whore and how will anyone share a bathroom with Wolverine? The adventure continues.

This was awesome and better than six summer movies crammed together. The naked part was best.

HANK PYM WAS MANY THINGS BUT HE WAS NEVER


a piece of Entenmann's Marshmallow-Iced Devil's Food Cake. But he SHOULD have been, because Entenmann's Marshmallow-Iced Devil's Food Cake is the greatest thing to happen to our One World since baby Jesus and Shirley Temple combined. Once, years ago, I only knew bliss as a concept, devoid of life's impulse. Then one day I was Back East and wanted cake. There are lots of Entenmann's products in New Jersey. It's like McDonald's or hydrogen there. So I got the cake that looked the most fun and when I got home and ate it my Third-Eye Chakra was activated and life has been almost unbearably bright since that day. A flood of knowledge knocked me over, And I KNEW and FELT that the name of the cake was a lie, because there was nothing of the Devil in it. It was rather the very fiery trumpets of the highest Angelic Hierarchy. They do not sell it in Los Angeles. I called the Entenmann's/GW bakeries corporate office and they regretted to inform me that out West Entenmann's Marshmallow-Iced Devil's Food Cake distribution stops in Texas. I feel sorry for them, because I really want more of this cake.

HOLY CRAP ON A STICK! FIRST, C.P.O. SHARKEY, NOW THIS!


I know absolutely nothing about Jack Kirby or the incredibly famous/infamous Fourth World Saga he did for DC Comics in the early 70s, but all of my highest-level Defcon-6 geek friends worship him as I worship Stephen. I totally intend to read the Saga someday soon but Sweet Jesus On A Popsicle Stick look at that cover. That's Don Rickles, with a cape, apparently being a superhero called "Goody Rickles". The comic book is "Superman's Pal, Jimmy Olsen", which is its own can of worms right there and who the hell knew Jimmy Olsen had a comic once? This comic was published in 1971 and is only the BEGINNING of the Fourth World Saga. I know Jack Kirby smoked cigars and now I know what was in them.


Look at that caricature-y punim! I love Rickles. I saw him live in 1988 in Las Vegas. He did his comedy album from 1966, verbatim, onstage. He was incredible and even today he is funnier than anyone else out there, no matter what the kids say with their Genius Bars and Kashi GoLean.



I tra-zoooly, madly, deeply, have absolutely no fucking clue as to what could possibly be going on inside this comic. My brain hurts but now I have to read it much sooner than later. I wonder if Bob Newhart is the sidekick?

HOW COMESIES...?


"The insurgency is in its last throes."

Hooooooow come the DC animated shows and movies are so awesomely good and fun but the Marvel ones are so meh? Theory: what we are all experienciing is not reality, but rather a paper-thin worldwide illusion created by the buggy Scarlet Witch-Wanda, where Marvel's live-action movies mostly rock except for both "Punishers" dear God don't get me started, and their animated projects have all been farmed out to former Hannah-Barbera employees who now live on Easter Island. Peter Parker will believe me.

WOW ANOTHER HANK PYM SHORT-LIVED IDENTITY


Della Reese, endowed with the power to convincingly deliver homespun, folksy-wisdom dialogue. Secondary power: songstress. Worked several seasons on "Touched By An Angel" until fired for hitting Janet Pym again. Once again took up the mantle of Yellowjacket, but kept his voiceover agent.

HOUSE OF M #3: AFFECTED BY THE HOUSING BUBBLE?



[A stream of consciousness live-blog]


Okay so when last we left all the Marvel heroes were all confused and in opposite-land and I can barely keep up with what's happening in their real reality anyway, and please hold me.

Okay reading...

HUUUULLLKKK!!!! Bless his beautiful hide. I've missed him. Apparently in real universe he is currently on another planet or Narnia or Lancaster. Banished by Iron Man, Mister Fantastic (he has a strong sense of self), some guy who doesn't speak because if he does big kill-y shockwaves come out of his mouth, and Sub-Mariner, who hates everyone but clearly needs friends. I'm sure Hulk will come back just in time for his movie with Ed Norton, if only to host the special effects Oscars.

This week, a clip show - the best of Wolverine... more great art.

Oh, love his take/expression on the "Lord Magnus" line. Lord Magnus sounds like the new male fragrance from Lancome. Lord Magnus. Rule Your Desire. Get one of the dudes from "Rome" to be the actor in the commercial and you're good.

He just jumped... and landed... ow. Would love to have Wolverine's healing factor, though. Better than Pamprin and much, much faster.

That Pulse cover is a riot. Erik Magnus played by Warren Beatty. I like when movie star faces show up on these characters. Gives them that extra bit of verismilitude. I bet Warren Beatty/Magnus has had every heroine at one time or another. Truly magnetic.

Why does Logan remember.... and no one else (yet)? Because he is a mutant? Because he is a flagship character? Does Hugh Jackman suddenly know everything as well? How will this affect his Oscar gig? Maybe it will move faster this year.

Ohhhh, it's like a whole thing - two page mag spread. Funsies. Artwork is incredible.

And gay icon - Namor.

Octavius - Bio-ethicist... wow. I thought he would be a professional character actor like Alfredo Molina, and Molina in this world would be a short-order cook. I wasn't even close.

Tony and a hostile takeover.

Hmmm.. Mastermind...he looks soooo much like this guy I always see staring at me at Starbucks. All he needs is a crossword book.

Shang-Chi! Now I'm hungry.

Tony and an illegitmate kid with a model. In this reality he is even more of a mougar (male cougar). He probably won't want to leave when things get all fix-apated.

Hee... love how Logan takes the bike.. looking for Chuck, good idea... no dice... Interesting that he chooses Petey as his next port of call...probably because Pete seems so suggestible, so reed-in-the-wind, who am I? all the time. I get it but not attractive, post age 27. How the hell old is Peter McSpider-Man supposed to be, anyway? He drawn like a wanna-be vaguely-20-ish L.A. struggling actor. "How old am i? Well, I can PLAY seventeen too twenty-seven."

Who or what is that cloaked black hole person thingy and can we send him to Congress?

Ooooo, Luke. He's even cooler in this world.

HAWKEYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Holy crap on a crutch. He died like a year ago, and now he's alive in a world. Gone. Mad!!!

Cliff Notes: So Wolverine knows that it's all a cha-raaade and tries to convince peeps that they are not real while running from them and cutting off their ears. Peter McSpider-Man looks to be the easiest mark to believe this insane story from a 5 foot-nothing Canadian animal-human hybrid. Hawkeye-the-very-popular-but-not-enough-to-have-his-own-series-dead Avenger is alive and probably famished. Then an anti-marijuana ad after the last page, and now I want to smoke even though I haven’t in years, thank you, The Man, and we're out.

BATTLE OF THE BULGE


Clearly, Cap won.

ANOTHER OBSCURE HANK PYM IDENTITY


Yule Log. Had the ability to sit there and burn throughtout the Latin-Mass version of "Ave Maria". Lasted only one issue. Hank quickly re-adopted his old Ant-Man identity, shrunk down, hit his wife, divorced her, hit the divorce papers, remarried, hit the rabbi and several wedding guests, adopted his Goliath identity, and hit himself.

GOOD NIGHT, NURSE DOCTOR!


The hotness that is Stephen sends me off to slumber....

Tomorrow we'll fight Nightmare and giant rats and Republicans, I mean, Mighty Avengers.

Goodnight, mustache! Goodnight, cloak! Goodnight, Eye of Agamotto who thinks I don't know he watches me in the shower.

It's time for rest you, brooding, sensitive inner-doodlebug of a doctory sorcerer man who needs a good woman with professional highlights that don't come cheap. (The Clea horned flip is so Dark Dimension)

Put down the Orb and come to bed. The Earth will still need saving tomorrow.

Good night, dear doctor.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

KA-BITCHSLAPPP!!!!!


So apparently sometime in the 1980s, when no one stopped the world and melted with me, Hank Pym/Yellowjacket/Members' Only struck his wife Janet The Wasp Van Dyne Pym. Not because they were having problems and she just wouldn't listen to reason, but because she was wearing Candies.

DR. HENRY PYM


Has more issues than Collier's.

IS IT WRONG...

...that I want to sit in Hulk's hand like that and be carried around Whole Foods?

HOUSE OF M #2: AGAIN WITH THE MAGICKS



[A stream of consciousness live-blog]


"I'm The Prince Of Polarity and I approve this neo-realistic rendering."

Okay begin...


Is that old man, Cap? Wow. No Infinity Formula by LancĂ´me to keep him youngified. He looks like a young george Jessel or an old Norm Crosby.

The city's dirty with muties.

She done pulled a switcharoo. It's "White Man's Burden" with humans & mutants. Which was also a hideous movie with John Travolta from the 90s. The nineties were strange. Flashing on severe male haircuts and too much flannel.

Emma Frost's cleavage hasn't changed. Still a starring role. Do they have psi-powers or do men just automatically obey their commands?

So much for Sue and Reed. Stretch THIS.

Talk shows..and Gambit being cocky...don't really get the whole I-throw-cards-at-people mutant power, but he wouldn't last 3 minutes at Pochanaga Casino.

Namor - the first mutant - that's interesting....is he also the first asshole? What a 'tude.

...my mom has a kind of fixation with him. - HEE.

Sam the cop and Luke the gangsta. Kingpin still the Kingpin. Still loves carbs.

Doc's a shrinker. Hee. Sentry still has a-Void-ance issues.

Love the Colossus bit. Wonder what the pitch was for him back in the day. "Tungsten Communist"? Probably.

Crazy old Hank The Pymster (Ant-Man, Yellowjacket, Giant-Man, Goliath, Tesla Coil, Paper Cup, Salad Fork, etc. - the man has more secret IDs than miles of intestine) is on to something. Save the Sapiens! I wonder if Planet of the Apes in this world is Planet of the Sapiens....get your filthy hands off me, you damned dirty...................person.

It bunches in front when I summon the elements. - Hee... and more boobs, maybe the most revealing decolletage yet... and obsequious Jan - yuck!

James? Wonder why she's calling Logan/Wolverine that. But, regardless, I'm with you, Logan! SHIELD no mas? Now it's House of Magnus with creepy faux Iron Men? Cool.

Wow, this is going to be some ride. Lots to ingest. They must have had a freakin' blast writing all of this. It's WHAT IF? on mush-roofies.

I can't wait to read the Spider-Man miniseries-ish and find out if I was right about what I think I saw (Gwensies and her Magical 1971 headband). I think I am, but with Wanda large and in charge, who knows? And, I get the feeling reality will keep shifting until I just can't stand it and want Bobby to step out of the shower at South Fork. I'm old and there are wolves after me and I need my pills :-p

Cliff Notes: Things are weird.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

THESE MEN...


Are not Stephen, and do not speak for him. Ever.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

HOUSE OF M #1: MAGICKAL PMS



[A stream of consciousness live-blog]


Part One...

This variant cover, the one with Wanda coming apart in jigsaw pieces by Quesada, is a fabulous piece of art. Personal note: buy Alleve.

Don't know what the "real" non-variant cover looks like but I have a feeling it has boobies on it. Willing to be wrong.

Okay readsies...

She's birthin' babies. Beloved Stephen - you look great! Artist agrees with you. And lookee it's... *sniff*... Vizh. I thought he was all disassembled and dischancelled. Oh wait he is. This is a dream. Like "LOST". Tell me they have any idea as to where that show is going. They got nuthin'. Stop watching.

Oh boy... nothing like telling a mother who (in her head) has just given birth that she has no babies and to "put it back". Hold me, I'm skeered. Crazy screaming white-eyed baby. Oh, I'm gonna have nachtmares. Maybe Stephen will enter the dream realm and buy me a scone.

Poor Wanda. Man, so brutal. Remind me never to lose my mind.

Wow, Erik's looking mighty hot in his deshabille. Did you know that manly naked feet are sexy. Same with forearms. Go figure, but it's true.

Genosha's a bit of a fixer-upper, isn't it?

The Falcon's put on a little weight.

Stark Tower....no fly-ups.

Hank McCoy is a jealous little girl. - Hee.

Wowsie. I love the groups shots. Never fails to send shivers of awe through me to see them all together like that. Hank and Janet? Is that Sentry in the background. hmmmm... it's all higgledy-piggledy already.

I love you Doctor Strange! (He didn't do anything, i just had to say it again.)

Poor Pietro. He really does love (to a freaky extent even) his sister, but then all they've had to rely on is each other. Such a sad scene between him and Magneto. :-( Ga-reat art - the expressions...oh man, this is fabu.

Oh, Cap, always looking on the bright side. And my man, Doc, isn't ready to give up either. I LOVE THESE MEN!

Off to see wanda... and when Chuck says "Oh, no."... you KNOW it's not good. Peeps disappearing....

Doc is so calm.

Love the little bit of Spidey's head peering around the corner.

Blonde hair in bed with him! Oh.My.God. It's Gwen, isn't it? He's got a chitlin and it's with Gwen. Oh.My.God.

Cliff Notes: All the Marvel heroes get together in a penthouse to say, hey, let's kill Wanda because her PMS is altering reality, and Cap says no way she's family and not even beloved Stephen and Professor X know what the hell to do. So they all take a super-Concorde over to Genosha (smoky-rubbly-corpsey island of dead mutants) and are about to do something, even though they don't know yet what that is, and then there's a big white screen-wipe and Peter McSpider-Man wakes up next to the dead-love-of-his-life and forty-ish male readers nationwide touch themselves as one. Can't wait for ish 2.