CIVIL WAR #7: IT'S ALRIGHT TO CRY, CRYIN' GETS THE SAD OUT OF YA...

[A stream of consciousness live-blog]

Props to Rosey Grier, who, btw, I was lucky enough to meet and spend some time talking to. He was like living sunshine. Truly of the completely awesome.

Ok.

Deep breath.

Here I go...

Pfft. Avengers are good guys! They were anyway. To me.. *sniff*... they still are.

Yay, Cap!

Boo, Iron Man!

As long as SHIELD's on the other side, we have a chance. You'd think they had Captain Parmenter at the helm. I take that back. He was nice. SHIELD is all of the poopy. And Ken Berry is too simply fabulous to have anything to do with them. Is there anything he couldn't do?

Hee, go Spidey! Yikes Lady Long Fingers is creepy!

Hehe, Cloak's real name is Tyrone! Tyrone always makes me think of that great running Laugh-In sketch with Arte Johnson and Ruth Buzzy on the park bench. Would you like to play spin the bottle? *whack*

Oooo, that's coolsies. Cloak dropping everyone out of the sky.

No civilian casualties, eh Tony? I hope there's an upcoming ish where he's fighting someone and a bus full of blind girl scouts on their way to donate bone marrow for the handicapped explodes because of something he does.

Of course, they've got the baddies ganging up on Cap. I hope you're happy, Tony! This is the world you want to fashion? Fashion? Hee.

YAY! Namor and the, I still don't know why they're blue, Atlanteans! Go you fishies!

Go, Vizh! I love you even if you aren't you or are mostly you or maybe even just a little you, but I loved the old you, well, not the old, old you, cause that wasn't you, but the you from before this you is the you I love!

I so want Herc to destroy CloneThor. Seriously. Not even a biocircuit left.

Who's the gray skull guy - serious 80s flashback - He-Man! Master of the Universe! Maybe that's Skeletor on loan from Mattel. Fabulous secret powers were revealed to me...

Ok, Stretch gets points for the flying "Nooooo!" leap and taking one for Sue, but he's still on my list.

At least it (he?) has the good sense to wet his pants.

What did she do to him?

Thou art no Thor! - Thank you, Lloyd Bentsen!

Yay, he punched him so hard his circuits popped. I hope that's the last I see of him. What am I thinking? This is Marvel. And, Tony has that idiotic Initiative to cram down everyone's throat. What better crammer than CloneThor?

Oh boy. I can see it coming. Cap's winning. Tony's got almost no defense. Is Cap going to ease off and that's what... I can't even say it.

Huh? Who are those guys? Regular Joes who are sick of seeing their lives turned upside down and their city destroyed? How dare they!

Ohmygod. Cap is crying. Note to all the men out there. This is one of those sexy cries. Not one of those, my man is such a wuss cries. Punisher cried about his lost family. That's ok. That's healthy and can be wicked sexy. Cap crying because this is as disastrous as CBS trying to broadcast professional sports is okay too. It's not too Alan Alda, but it's sensitive. It's just dipping it's manly toe into the waters of sensitive. Of course, a man like Cap - well, he's all MAN. But I know some of you wonder what the hell we wimmins want. You might wonder if we don't want you to be crybabies how the jicama can we find so-and-so crying hot and beautiful. Well, all I can tells ya is... I knows when its when I sees it. We all do. We wimmins is just like that. Feel free to submit your crying stories and I'll tell you if it was sexy or not. :p

And, we're back...

I LOVE the idea of The Moment, but the pacing didn't work for me. Cap's realization transition was too abrupt. Just another few panels and maybe a line or two... Maybe I just haven't read enough comics and I'm still disgruntled by the abruptocity of some?

For the record, Reed's crying about the cockup he's made of his life is a good thing, but better heard about than seen. I'm just puttin' that out there.

What in the holy hell is Miss Clairol doing in that panel? I hate her with the passion of a thousand fiery suns.

And WonderMan? He's the Fabio of the Marvel Universe. I can't believe it's not better. Hee. Get it? Better? Butter? Ughghghgh.

As an aside, thank TPTB for that stuff. My duodenum will probably petrify at some point and mysteriously be discovered in Damascus by the Naked Archeologist, but for now, it makes feel like I'm one of those women profiled in Self Magazine. Forrest Yoga is my salvation!

Ok, I take back what I said about Reed. He didn't learn nuttin'. How can someone so smart be so dumb? Sure, Bernie. I'd love to invest my life savings in your ponzi scheme. He seemed to be coming around or circling around coming around - why did they just drop that? Damn potential arc droppers!

A small band remain underground - Luke Cage, of course. He da man. And Doc? Now you've decided to play? I'm pissed. You may buy my love with a chocolate croissant or a snikerdoodle cupcake from Yummy Cupcake (Galactus' fave!) and we'll talk.

Is Spidey all in black now?

Oh, Cap. *sniff* I just want to bundle him.

If you ever questioned Time magazine's choices for man of the year... behold - Hank Pym - wrecker of lives and hitter of wives... and what the hell is T'Challa doing shaking his hand? The hell???

Oh, Sue. :( Take the kids and leave him! For reals.

Director of SHIELD. Perfect, Mein Furher.

Hee... okay, he gets points for asking Miss Hill to fetch him some coffee.

Wonderful. They have 57 more craptastic ideas.

Smug, sanctimonious bastard...

And scene.

Click here to dig on some Rosie from Free To Be... You and Me.

CIVIL WAR #6: MARVEL'S DRIVING ME TO DRINK

[A stream of consciousness live-blog]

Hill and Pym - double-grrrrr.

Mormon heroes in Utah? Mustn't make joke about about magic underwear.

Spaceknights heading for Chicago? Are they stopping the in the 1980s on the way?

How rich is it that Crazy Hank is saying the public deserves heroes they can count on. Don't other heroes deserve heroes they can count on?

I'm going to POP! Reed gets immunity for Sue and Johnny? How hypocritical can these guys get?

Ah, the Punisher. Just watched his movie. That was one ginormous violent trope in a box. I love Ray and don't know doodle about the Punisher, but it felt like an R-rated Dick Tracy. Is that how it's supposed to be? Kind of goofy? The Jigsaw stuff was silly, like Danny Devito as the Penguin silly.

I guess if you like a character intro that has: a broken back, a beheading, a broken neck, and another, a knife to the brain, compound fracture to the arm, stabbed, another knife to the brain, slit throat, 3 shot in the chest, spinning machine gun fire and a dozen dead, chair leg in the eye socket/brain, bullet in the chest, another in the chest, bullet to the brain, 2 more in the chest, double shot to the brain, then this movie is for you.

I guess shooting people in the head is his thing, huh?

God, I love Namor. Nobody does the indolent king slouch better.

Man oh manschewitz, I wish Cap were making a deal with Stephen. *sniff* From your pouty lips to God's ears, Subby!

He is day-amn sexy.

Goldbug? Plunderer?

Wow. Punisher just... kills. Wow.

Boy, he's brutal, but he gets big points for not fighting back against Cap.

YAY! Doctor Strange. Please, please, please end your exile and come back and talk some sense into these maroons!

No food? Come back and I'll take you to Denny's. It's on me.

Ok, I HATE these sorts of rationalizations. Doc acts like he isn't a human being, like he's of a different nature than the rest of humanity and super-humanity? Be above it and not influence it? Bull with the shit. You influence it with every step you've ever taken on earth, with every bad guy you've ever fought, with every friend you've ever made. And now? Now, when they need you, you can't get involved? I call magical BS on this entire thing. Monique has spoken!

A true master would be able to have his powers and not use all of them. Cap doesn't hit as hard as he can, Doc can and should be able to do the same. Or at least try. The not trying is KILLING ME.

Moving on because this really toasts my muffin!

Thank God the portal to the Negative Zone has a big 42 in it. Wouldn't want to step in the wrong giant portal and end up in 26 or heaven forfend, 12. They're animals in 12.

Boy, Sue's invisibility power is handy dandy! I would sneak into Laker games.

Oh, crap.

Stupid Tigra. Take your blackberry and don't darken my door again!

Hulking? Again with the oy on that.

Cool. Free the prisoners! Attica! Attica!

Crap, crap, crap, crap. I hate this. I hate that this is going to happen. I hate that Tony and Reed don't see the abomination they've created. Who wants a Pyrrhic victory? Just looking at who is on what side... how could anyone want to fight on the same side as Tony and Reed's horde of the damned.

Damn. Have I mentioned how much I hate this?

Man. I'm dreading reading the next one. Nothing good can possibly come of it. And Stephen's navel gazing while his friends - his friends! - are going to kill each other.

Sheesh.

I need a drink.

CIVIL WAR #5: COMING TO HIS (SPIDER) SENSES

[A stream of consciousness live-blog]

Punisher is doing bad things. Hey, did his movie even come out in the theaters? Me love Ray Stevenson long time. Oh, Titus... Rome, damn that show was violent, but I miss it.

Okay, opensies...

Sue does not look well. I hope Johnny's given Reed the finger too.

Stupid SHIELD. Seriously, they make me crazazy. So disrespectful. You catch these clowns yet? We're talking half the FF here! Clowns? Oh, I'd like to give that Tom Skerritt circa Top Gun wannabe a kick in the brass.

Nighthawk, I'm still cranked at you for what you said in the alley a few issues ago. We never forget! Who the heck is Stature? Stature? Seriously?

Tony's late. Maybe he fell and hit his head and came to his frakkin' senses.

Oh, no senses coming to.

You tell him Petey!

Btw, if I were one of the heroes who was gonna be carted off to the negative zone, I'd register. I'd get all my friends to register. I'd convince all of the heroes who were in the NZ to register. I'd do everything Tony wanted and then I'd form an army and kick Tony Stark's ass.

Ooo, Tony has the Marvel Crazy Eyes.

I am sooooooooooooo relieved Peter saw the light and is gettin' out, or at least tryin' to.

I'm beginning to think SHIELD is messing things up on purpose. I mean no one is that Barney Fifey all the time.

I still CANNOT believe they are going to use these baddies to hunt down supers.

Spidey better take off that new suit. I'm sure it's bugged, tracked and god knows what else.

I wish some of these Spidey Sewer fight panels were bigger. I needs my bombast.

Wow, a Gwendy reference. I wonder what's up with that. *sniff* Stupid MJ.

Pumpkin pie!

Was that a sword or some kind of ray thingy?

Yikes. Skull face guy is Donatella Versace scary.

Mr. & Mrs. Landau. Couldn't find brother and sister identies? Come on. It is creepy. Now, if it were Pietro and Wanda... I miss crazy Wanda and her shifty brother. God, I love how naive and wonderful the Avengers were when they joined. Pietro put on his best ski sweater and wrote them a letter. A letter! And Thor wasn't a clone, and Cap was slightly crazy wtih his Zemo/Bucky obsession, Hawkeye shot off arrows and his big mouth, but you could count on him, Hank was only a little crazy, Jan wasn't used to being abused, and Tony was a hero. Dang, I miss those Avengers. I know they were goofy, but they were earnest and they loved each other and I loved them. They would never pull this crap on each other. Sometimes making characters three dimensional sucks.

Poor Cap. He's still in tatters... Love and hope and sex and dreams...Are still surviving on the street...Look at me, Im in tatters!

Hulking. I will never get used to that.

Titus Pullo saved Spidey, who also looks not so of the good. Man, this Civil War stuff is brutal.

What a strange panel with Cap screaming for the medic chicks.

Linda? Is that the Night Nurse? I'm gonna have to reread The Oath. God, I loved that. Was one of my first Doctor Strange stories. I'd read a few early Defenders and Michael recommended the Oath... ten kinds of fabulous. *sigh* I think I'll bring Doc a scone this time and surprise him.

Ultra Girl? Oy. It's official, they've run out of names.

Oh, Tigra is texting or tweeting or doing something blackberry bad. Ah, she's calling Tony.

...Big final battle planned with all those lunatic thunderbolts. - Yeah, that's gonna go off without a hitch. Come on, Reed. Rub those braincells together. Write an algorithm to calculate how incredibly stupid that plan really is.

I've got to believe DD was caught on purpose and is going in to break out the supes! Maybe the guards are part of Cap's team. They've got to make a move soon!

Oh, burn. Good one, DD!

Tony's Initiative scares me even more than all this build up. It sounds so organized. *shiver*

That's it for this ish!

NEW AVENGERS #24: MELAMINE, NOW AVAILABLE IN COMICS

[A stream of consciousness live-blog]

Sidd "Sentry" Hartha

Zen and the Art of Retcon

Even though it's an audacious marketing ploy, I love the idea of the Sentry.

It really bugs me that the Inhumans are so darn uppity.

Why are T'Challa and Storm the ONLY ONES trying to put an end to it all? Makes me nutty. Don't even get me started about Doc. Again.

Maybe this issue will explain it to me. And maybe AIG will give back all that money.

Did Bob eat some peyote? Did I eat some peyote?

Maybe it's the mists? Maybe it's that Arby's Beef & Cheddar I left in my car all afternoon then ate anyway.

Maybe the Inhumans are just dillweeds.

Impurities? Ugh. Now they sound like Nazis. I don't understand it. I've really liked Blackbolt in the bits I've read. I know Crystal was ok, even though she blew off Johnny for Pietro. But, really, I don't know anything about them. And what I'm seeing here. Not liking. Not heroic. Not Scandinavian. Just icky.

Bob is polite. See, now, Bob, I like.

Ok, we get another recap. *sigh*

The art is lovely, but... let's pick up the pace here, people.

Oh, Crystal gets around. She's not Black Widow, but...

Isn't Bob married?

Ah-ha! Lindy! See.

Ugh. Iron Man. I used to be so excited to see him. Almost the same thrill as Cap. And now, my stomach just sinks. I know I'm going to get a fistful of rationalization and ego-cententric moralizing. I'm sure it's different when you have to wait weeks between issues. When you read them so quickly, like I'm doing, damn it's the same notes over and over like a Miley Cyrus song.

Ohhhh, killing Cap. I admit that I know Cap dies. Don't know any details, but the fact that he is no mas is kinda hard to miss. I'm absolutely dreading getting to that. I can't quite believe it and part of me hopes I'm just wrong and that it's all an elaborate hoax to fool lil ol me.

The reflection of Bob in IM's armor is creeeeeepy.

His righteousness is sooooo tiresome. I would consider myself an Iron Man fan. Granted, I've only read a small percentage of the issues, but they're just killing this character for me. I've lost all traces of the hero I adored. Where is the man? He's just some rhetoric spewing automaton now. Maybe he's a clone gone wrong like Thor or a skrull or part of my regretful trip to Arbys.

I know. I'm so impatient. And, I guess they can have fun redeeming Tony at some point, but the waiting will kill me. It's not that I want him to be perfect. I want them all to be flawed, it's far more interesting, but this is beyond flawed, it's a different, to me, character completely. I barely recognize him. If here weren't in the armor, I wouldn't. I hope they have a few humanizing issues with him. He's got to be sooooo tormented, but they're not showing me. Dagnabbit, show me!

Hmmm, maybe the Inhuman uppitiness will be useful here.

Or not.

I hope Bob goes back to earth and kicks Tony in the repulsor ray and heads off to fight with Cap.

That was a gyp. Truly, that was a scene from a book not a whole book. That's two "filler" issues in a row. I blame China.

I hope they get back to making hay again soon.

NEW AVENGERS #23: SPIDER-WOMAN AND HER GINORMOUS INNIE

[A stream of consciousness live-blog]

I'm waifish and work part-time at Hooters.

I know when I'm feeling vulnerable and confused. I find a crappy hotel room strip down to my skivvies and see what I can catch from the sticky sheets. Capital I... Ick.

I hate that there are two Jessicas in the current storyline. I'm easily confused and bright colors mollify me.

Hee.. Fury looks like a refugee from an old Doctor Who in those first two panels. Jelly baby?

He's being pretty casual for Covert Ops brain wipe master. Just knocks on her door? Has he ever just knocked on someone's door?

Figures. It's a fakey. AI, clone, Jonas Brother... God, they are annoying. If I were a Marvel God I would put a five year moratorium on using any of them.

Even through someone else's lips Maria Hill is a beotch.

It is only fair that they should have a scene where Cap fights in just his tighty-whities.

Again, let me re-establish my utter contempt for Miss Hill.

Iron Man's codpiece is looking, well, more like a banana sling than armor. And if you know what I'm referring to, you've been to San Tropez too many times.

Flippin' Tony. Has he really lost his heart? I liked Tony. Granted I haven't read several decades of stuff, and he was always arrogant in the extreme, but this... he's not human.

Who's attacking?

FSHOO? BUDDABUDDABUDDA? I know the sound effects are tough, but... budda budda?

Are these Hydra peeps?

I guess so.

Hee. Love the panel with the muscle dude in nike dolphin shorts. God, I wore those for years for volleyball. Where's my Le Sport Sac?

Stupid SHIELD.

Where is she? Who's he? Why do I care?

Zzzzzzz.

Finally. Enough with the jibber-jabber. I love good dialog, but that wasn't it. Sheesh. Was only two pages, but...

I guess she doesn't mind the whole killing thing. No code there.

Yay, Cap and people I know and give a crap about! It's so good to see you.

But, she just saunters in? Note to resistance: you should at least lock the door.

Ugh, now she's crying and going all Officer and a Gentlemen. Cap's a doodle so he'll take her in, but pfft is all I have to say.

Happily moving on to next ish...

CIVIL WAR #4: EAU DE CLONE

[A stream of consciousness live-blog]

Thor!

Is the Falcon blind in one eye? When did that happen?

Gordon Bennett! Thor would never say that! He'd kick their butts if he had no other choice, but he'd do it with deep regret and talk about it the whole time.

I have no idea who you are Dagger, but I feel you. Time for an exit stage right.

Wretches? Yikes. This is unnerving.

Oh, Cap looks awful. Tony, stop this madness!

Go Herc! Throw that big... thing at him!

Non-human attack registered. - So, so, icky.

Wow. Did Thor just blow a hole, like a real hole through Goliath? Dear God. What the hoodahey is going on??? Stephen, hold me.

YAY SUE! Finally woman! Now, you need to kick your husband's stretchy ass.

Oh no, he di'nt. It's a freakin' robot? And Richard Wagner? Like Vahgner Wagner? Elitist snobby... poopypants! Oh, he makes me so mad. Not as smart as you thought you were, huh, stretcho?

Dang.

Get out now, Spidey! Swing away! Swing away!

Even Uatu thinks you should.

Figures Pym had a hand in this.

Ok, so he's a clone (should have known that I guess) and not a robot. The whole clone thing makes me nutty. It's a pandora's box that I just can't stomach. It's just an endless masssive "yoink". Pfft.

Okay, forcing acceptance and moving on.

Great panel and expression on crazy Hank's face. You know he's been hoarding DNA too.

Peter, wake up and smell the coffee. Hank is one of the main perpetrators of this disaster. He didn't choose a side, he helped create one.

Lordy, Cap's a mess.

Nighthawk! Come on, dude. You are so not the Kyle I remember.

I can't believe they aren't more galvanized to fight the power. Sissies!

He's just another old man afraid of the future. - Is he talkin' about Cap? Cause if he is, I'm gonna have Trish Starr punch him in the face with her one good arm.

Christ on a tricycle, who is that ski-masked man with the crazy eyes? It's giving me Zemo shivers.

This is making my blood boil! I need Doctor Strange and a cup of tea.

YAY SUE 2! You go, girl! He is a fascist.

Great panel with his postcoital stretchiness. And Thing watching her go. *sniff*

Uh-oh, a Fifty State Initiative. Another grand plan. I don't know much about the Thunderbolts, but trusting Zemo? Nevah! Glueface or no Glueface, he was a Nazi. People...

Seriously, how far gone are these people? They just killed one of their own and now they're sending out bad guys to get Cap et al? And they somehow think that's a good idea? I don't buy this. I want to. I know part of me has to, but deep down, I just don't believe it. Tony is an ass, and he's got an ego the size of Michigan, but this...? I don't believe he would do it. La-la-la-la, I won't believe it.

But, he's doing it.

Harrumph.

CIVIL WAR #3: DO YOU HEAR THE PEOPLE SING

[A stream of consciousness live-blog]

Ok, back into the fray proper. I read, tried, to read most of the off-shoots, but many just confoozled me and trying to figure out the proper reading order is nigh on impossible.

So, when last we left, Peter had revealed is true, and cute self.

God, Reed Richards is an ass. It needs to be said. Hasn't checked on Johnny, doesn't call his wife. Pfft. Ya see? T'Challa is wise.

Finally, Doc's place! Aw, crap. He's gone. To his Artic Lodge... Artic Lodge? The hell? I guess maybe if it's all Shangri-La in the Himmies, but if we're talkin' actual Arctic, we need to talk. And fasting? Hay-ell with the no. I might cut down on carbs for a week, but fasting? Stephen, honey, we need to talk.

I wish I were above it all, like him. But, I'm not. I'm petty and vindictive and would want to man the barricades and sing songs from Les Miz.

Truthfully, I'm so bummed that he's sitting this one out. I guess it makes sense from a how do we handle someone with so much power standpoint and kinda from a "it's spiritually repulsive" standpoint, but I also have trouble accepting that he's not trying to stop it, that he's not trying to be a peacemaker. The Doc in my head would have tried diplomacy to create some sort of tentative peace while they figure out who's behind all this and what's really going on here. I mean, that's one of his bestest skills - getting people who otherwise wouldn't to work well together. This is the man who got Namor and the Hulk to play nice (mostly). He's the Dag Hammarskjöld of the Marvel Universe. Dag Hammarskjöld, ladies and gentlemen!

Well, poop. It could be so cool, but noooooo... He's just "gone". Crud.

Tony's still a dog.

This is the first time I've seen Emma with an almost actual shirt on, well, something that covers her breastseses anyway.

Again with the continuity... in Iron Man, Happy just... man.

Who the heck is M in Eye?

You know, the Les Miz thing.. Tony really has gone all Javert. It's creepy.

Hee... Cap is Paul Blart, Mall Cop. DD looks so youthful. And Herc! Did you know that when I was a little kid we had a handy man named Hercules who was this huge Greek stud who, I later found out, was also a porn star. True story.

Aww...Make-A-Wish kid? Could Cap be more of the fantastic? Seriously, could he? No. He could not.

Poor Johnny. He looks like crap.

Damn that Stark!

Let SHIELD do it, that way I know they'll get away.

Cap you sneaky devil!

Who is the glowworm guy?

Oh my... the buck teeth on Cap in the "You shouldn't have taken down two of my boys, Tony." panel is priceless. Steve Rogers is... the Nutty Professor. Yah-hoi.

I can't believe Spider-Man just rabbit punched Cap and quipped while doing it! I feel barfy.

Holy Crapcicles. Tony's beatin' the bejesus out of Cap. And there's a flying tooth. I'm sorry I asked about it earlier.

Go Herc!

Ok, who or what is codename "Lightning"? They keep name dropping so you know it's important.

Odin's Beard!

Well, that answers that. Oh, that's bad news for the resistance, folks.

I'm afraid to read ish 4, but I will because I love.

S'all for nowsies.

NEW AVENGERS #22: TEACH YOUR CHILDREN WELL

[A stream of consciousness live-blog]

Yay Luke!

Tony, Tony, Tony... "Your sordid past is all be swept under the rug..." Wow, sounds like the kind of kind of government I want to work for! Come work with us and we'll bury your dirty little secrets. What kind of a country... never mind.

Carol Danvers... pfft. I don't like you, Miss Clairol.

Once again, Luke tells it like it is - short and sweet.

I never saw Mississippi Burning. I know I should, but I don't wanna. I saw Sweet Home Alabama, but I guess that doesn't count.

You're twisting this and I won't hear it! Hissy Fit, table for one. Wow. If he starts talking in the Royal We, I'm outtie.

Ok, I wasn't going to say anything the first time, but what the hell is up with the bright blue dots on the baby's face? They're making me crazy.

FIGHT THE POW-WAH!

*I raise my tiny WWI surplus-size fist in as much revolutionary support as my WASPishness can muster* Cause the closest I've ever gotten to revolution, cause that's another movie I couldn't finish, is watching import DVDs of Citizen Smith. Power to the People!

I mean, really, Al Pacino in the American Revolution? Down with the Stamp Act. Hoo-ha!

You go, Luke Cage, bringer of truths and kicker of asses!

Awww, saying goodbye. *sniff*... he's gonna be a great dad. I pity the boys who come callin'.

And, it makes no sense whatsoever that Canada is somehow hallowed ground and SHIELD and whatever evil agencies are employed in the pursuit and capture of naughty supers will just get to Niagra Falls and say, Oops, can't go there. Government, schmovernment. We all know the Canadians are in cahooties with the US in all the things that count. We send them fruits and vegetables and they send us oil and Robert Ito. Robert Ito, ladies and gentlemen!

Dear God in Heaven what is wrong with that child's eyes and teeth in the "What are you gonna do?" panel.

SHIELD is at the door. I predict they get their sorry asses whipped. Again.

There goes Luke's shirt. Again.

Yay for the crazy neighbors and their animal crazy sawed-off shotguns.

Ooooo... is that DD's billy club, and for some reason I always first think "billy goat" and that's totally different and wouldn't be quite so effective.

And Cap's shield. Now, THAT'S a shield.

Super-duper awesome. I know the artists are just pushing my buttons with those ridiculous heroic poses, but my buttons, they loves to be pushed.

I hope you all take this beating as an opportunity for introspection. - F'in great.

SHIELD summarily whipped.

The revolution is on. Viva Zapata! Now, that movie, I've seen.

CIVIL WAR #2: DON'T BE STUPID, BE A SMARTY...

[A stream of consciousness live-blog]

Cap Goes Underground, soon to be a sticker by Shephard Fairey.

Okay, the vulture I recognize, but who's the other bloke? Bloke? I'm suddenly British. Pish-toss and bugger the Queen! Must be all those scones Stephen's been bringing me from the Astral Plane Bakery.

Oh, I guess it's the Grim Reaper. He's not so scary! Is he gonna come for me now? I'm so young.

Boo! on Agent Hill and her L Word hairdo.

I'm glad Cap's not alone. No one should be alone. Except maybe Kate Hudson. You can't find yourself in a man, honey.

Save people from a few doombots and the past is forgotten. All they need to do is stage a few more events like this and rehab that image.

Holy sweet Jesus, She-Hulk's booty should have its own library card.

I don't really know anything about Tigra. Can she change or does she always look like that. Finding outfits must be hell.

Ohmygodthatisthecutestthing - The Thing all doodley with the Richards' chitlins.

Wouldn't it fun to mess with Reed and sneak in and erase just a tiny bit of his whiteboard every day. Man, he's a smarty-pants, but he's making Pym look like a the stable one.

Speak of the Devil... and 42, a little Hitchhiker's Guide shout-out? Do the kids say shout-out anymore or is there some new slang, like ping. Did you totally see that ping on The Secret Life of the American Teenager? That was totally a ping. Do the kids say totally anymore? God, I'm old. Bring me a scone, Stephen.

Susan, Susan, Susan.. I know you love him, but what sort of life is this? Take the kids and skedaddle. He won't even notice.

What will you do, JJ, when your dreams come true?

I love the way some artists really capture Spider-Man's spaztastic grace. He's so fluid, and yet, all cattywampus too.

Oh Tony, listen to that little voice of doubt.

Here's the Patriot kid again.. they're grooming him like Josh Hartnett. Let's hope this time works out better.

Well, he gets points for distance. That was one helluva jump.

Hey! They're rounding them up and putting power repressers on them just like on Heroes. You don't mean Heroes is r-r-ripping off Marvel mega-events in a vain chase to regain ratings glory? Uhhhhh....

More exposition by red shirt who doesn't sense the GOD next to him.. ok, he's not technically a god like Thor, who I still wonder about, but he's a God to me. *sigh*

So 42 is a super-cage building, just like on Heroes where.. ok, I know....

Heehee.. this is your exit, buddy!

For the record, I tried that "iwantobesomewhereelse" spell at a screening of Nights in Rodanthe. Didn't work.

I wanna live in SHIELD Safe House 23!

Oh, Thing... you don't have to be on Reed's side. It surprise me that he's not spoken against the "witchhunt"... no offense, Wanda.

Wow, Peter. You did it. Your heart's in the right place, but... oh, boy.

Teehee! Jonah fainted.

Great googley-moogley. The sides is drawn, and the battle's begun. It's so sad, but good readins!

NEW AVENGERS #21: HANK PYM MAKES A BAD CHOICE... AGAIN

[A stream of consciousness live-blog]

Poor Cap. Who knew he could draw. Of all of them, being cut off must hurt him the most. His family is kerschpluka.

Is that a retcon of Cap's discovery in the ice? The IM armor is all wrong. Or is Cap's memory all a jumbley like Logan's was/is/will be?

Wow, quite a rant there by Cap. I have to say, it's true mostly, but that late night comedy news is a better source than most.

What the hell is a Capekiller and what the hooda-hey is wrong with Cap's pants?

Capekilling as in killing people who wear capes? That's awful.

Is Cap dreaming? Cause I'm stuck in Whatthefuckville. Is this the safe house or just some "abandoned warehouse"? Damn you, Reading Order Gods.

Yay, Falcon. His BFF.

No love lost for Tony.

Ok, at what point in the melee did Cap change his boots and pants? Not that I'm upset he got rid of those horrid pants, but what the hell?

I'm down, brotha. I ain't buyin' what they're sellin' and I ain't movin'. Right on!

At least he grabbed his nifty Cap shirt, which I still think looks like fish scales.

Cap is so forgiving and understanding and doodley! He understands Peter's choice and regrets that he wasn't the one to help him... *sniff*.

So, Sentry's ship.. it's there, it's not there.. wtf?

Grab your stuff and a bunch of ants... - Hee!

I didn't think you thought that much of me. - Wow, does that speak volumes.

Oh, Highpockets. You big lummox.

And here they are, ladies and gentlemen, a day late and a dollar short, your SHIELD agents at work. Pffft.

Hmmm, I wonder who is next? Cap looks angry and constipated. I'll have Doc bring him a bran muffin.

CIVIL WAR #1: FORT SUMTER

[A stream of consciousness live-blog]

Okay, opening it up...

I'm filled with nervous anticipation and broccoli as I start. I am told this is an “event”, like the Red Sea parting or a bra sale at Loehmann’s.

Nitro? From American Gladiator to super-villain, how the mighty have...risen.

Speedfreak almost took down the Hulk? I don't even know what he can do, but I call bullshit on that.

Ah, some sort of reality show. Must that crap invade even my fantasy world? Damn you, Mark Burnett!

Driving around the Midwest looking for goofballs to fight? Dude, have you been to Venice Beach? Shhhhhhhaaa!

Namorita, as in Namor's little cousin Namorita? He must have disowned her by now. She used to be not completely annoying. Has she always been blue? Is that henna? Oy and glug-glug.

Ok, I don't know who the chick who "marked" them was, but for the love of my sanity, what the hell is with the thong showing above the juicy c. sweatpants? Let's just keep that a Secret, Victoria. It's like wearing a sign that says "Two Bits, Joe". Underwear should be under your clothes. It's like a whole thing. That outfit.. something MJ would wear. Nuff said.

Blood and people pieces fly in these fights, but where are the teeth?

Wow.

Big susplosion.

Cool, a comic cold open.

Who's the big black dude? Another Goliath? Hank in blackface? I cannot keep this stuff straight.

When did Tony's boots start having that cloven hoove thing happening? Creepy. And, does Cap have a toadie that carries around a tattered American flag and tosses it at his feet for photo ops? And what's with his boots? Who designed the footwear for this issue? Caps boots are clunky and the foldover is out of control, they look like uber bellbottoms. Call Bruno Magli! I know this is a serious scene, but fashion isn't just for fun.

Cap either has spittle or a cold sore on his lip. Was the Black Widow in town? I'm just sayin'!

Since when have the Sentinels been babysitting the X-Men? After the Wonderful World of Wanda? Next week, be sure to watch The Computer Wore Tennis Shoes, starring Kurt Russell and Cesar Romero!

Ah, it is some kind of Goliath. But, I shall call him Captain Obvious or Senor Expositionito.

Is that She-Hulk on Larry King? He's gotta be a Skrull.

Wow, spitting on Tony. Damn. That always makes me think of To Kill A Mockingbird. “There's a lot of ugly things in this world, son. I wish I could keep 'em all away from you. That's never possible.” Oh, Atticus. I need a moment.

And, there it is.. the blood of children line...I owe myself $5.

Flippin' JJ! He's a machine and who is that scary MoFo on the right of that panel? He needs some Burts' Bees stat.

Wow, so now they want Supers not just be registered, but to pass basic tests. Interesting. I don't need the costume no more, ma! They got them testes and such.

Wow, Johnny Human Torch is a brat. I always thought of him as cocky, but decent. This is ugly.

Getting cracked on the bean with a bottle isn't cool, but man... could he have been a bigger asshat? Flame On, Johnny Storm.

Party at the FF's.

Stephen. Hello! May I take your Cloak Of Levitation?

Is that Hank and Jan? I thought he was black now.

Post-humans? That's an icky way of putting it. How about Unevolved Losers?

Wow, is Tony truly fully on board the HU(SH)AC train?

Hee, the Thing called Logan "stumpy"!

Nighthawk! Is that my Nighthawk? Having your brain out of your body for three issues can really change a man. (Peace out, Chondu!) I've missed you, Kyle, and your bazillions. Buy baby something nice?

Who's Patriot?

Cap! I'm always so happy to see him. Is it just me?

Boo.... Miss Hill. Respect the badge...piffle.

Oh snap, Cap! You tell her!

Oh, no they dinnint! SHIELD is so retarded. Yes. I said it and I meant it.

Damn her to hell is right and get Cap some Tiger Balm.

Every time I see SHIELD they're like the Army chasing the A-Team. Completely inept. I know, I know, they're actually really cool soldiers blablahhoorahcakes... and Cap is Da Man and half, but, they never get it right. I guess I need to read some old Howling Commandos or something because these guys are rubes.

On the other hand, Cap is beautiful in battle.

Keep flying, son and watch that potty mouth. Could I heart this man more?

Uatu.. he's very changeable in size, isn't he?

His presence does not bode well. - You ain't whistlin' dixie, doc!

Tell me a story. Tell me the story of Cap's 1970s throwdown with the government when he went all Nomad n stuffs.... Pleeeease?

Oh, Tony. And Reed and crazyass Hank too! All the brains. Well, that's three biggun's anyway.

Leave Captain America to us. - Oh, crappydoodles.

Oh man oh Manischewitz, this is going to be painful, but interesting. Can't wait to see who falls on what side and why. Tony they've explained pretty well. Reed likes order, I suppose. Wonder if Sue will agree. Doubt the Thing will. Hank, he's crazy so who knows. I guess he's projecting his own need for control onto others. Something tells me Jan is going to side with Cap. Peter, will he stay with Tony or go with your hero and mine, Cap? It's pretty clear where Doc Stephen My Future Husband stands - he's disgusted by the whole affair. Logan, no question where he stands. Luke's got to be against it.

And, one thing I'm wondering..WWTD? What Would Thor Do? He's pretty straight laced and has that royal lineage thing happening, but I guess he'd excuse himself from the human hullabaloo and retire to Aaaaasgard for some mead while we mere mortals tear our lil old selves asunder.

And so it begins.