Friday, May 8, 2009

WORLD WAR HULK #5: WARBOUND, SCHMOREBOUND


[A stream of consciousness live-blog]
with commentary from MICHAEL

Note: So sorry for the long delay between posts. House-hunting and now moving. Will be posting again a bit sporadically for the next few weeks, then things should settle down. Thanks for you patience!

Bob and his rippling muscles to the rescue! Hulk's nails are nicely manicured. I wonder what salon he goes to for his mani-pedi.

IT'S ALL THE PUNCHING. SMASHING GRANITE BUFFS THE HANDS NICELY.

More previouslies.... Hulk's family died, yada yada, planet destroyed, Reed bad.. got it.

IMPORTANT TO REMIND YOU, MISSY. EVERY COMIC BOOK IS SOMEONE'S FIRST! I AM POINTNG MY FINGER AS I REMIND YOU OF THIS.

Wait. Reed controlled the disk? No, Hulk did?

HULK DID. THE ONLY THING REED CONTROLS AT THIS POINT IN HIS CAREER IS HIS BLADDER, AND I'M NOT EVEN SURE ABOUT THAT. I KNOW I HARP ON THIS, BUT I WISH YOU HAD GROWN UP KNOWING REED LIKE I AND MANY DID. HE IS NOT A TOOL. HE'S ANYTHING BUT. AND HE'S SMARTER THAN 6 TONYS (STARKS, NOT THE AWARD) PUT TOGETHER. I GET WHY THEY ARE DOING IT DRAMATICALLY BUT IT STILL STEAMS MY VEGGIES. REED HAS MORE REED-EEMIN' TO DO THAN TONY. MAYBE HE'S TAKING CIALIS OR SOMETHING (NOW IN DAILY DOSE FORM!) AND IT'S MESSING WITH HIS RUBBERY BRAIN. OR MAYBE HE HAS NEVER RECOVERED FROM JESSICA ALBA PLAYING SUE IN THE "FF" MOVIES. MMMMMM JESSICA ALBA. I WANT TO BUILD A TIME-SHARE ON HER BIG, PILLOW-Y LIPS AND THEN LIVE THERE FOREVER, WITHOUT SHARING. I'LL BE LIKE THOSE LADIES IN "GREY GARDENS".

Ok, hold the phone. I know it's been forevah since I read ish 4, but I clearly remember a serious bloodlust thing happening. Now, Hulk's all.. not. I coulda sworn his plan involved killing them. Not that I'm complaining. Okay, maybe a little, but not really cause Stephen needs me!!!

NAH YOU'RE HALLUCINATING. HULK MADE IT SEEEEM AS IF HE WAS GONNA KILL THEM, BUT HE WAS NEVER GONNA. HE JUST WANTED TO SHOW THEM, REALLY SHOW THEM, THAT HE IS NOT A MONSTER. THAT HE HAS MERCY. THAT HE IS NOT AS BAD AS HE BELIEVES THE ILLUMINATI TO BE. THAT HE'S MORALLY SUPERIOR. HE SURE SETTLED THEIR HASH! I LOVE THAT HE DID THIS AND I KNEW HE WASN'T GONNA KILLIPATE THEM. THERE IS STILL YOUR 70S DOODLE-HULK IN THERE AT HIS CORE.

Bob knows how to make an entrance!

OOOOO IT'S JUST TOO COOL TO SEE THE HIGH-POWERED GUYS BLAZE THROUGH THE PANELS AND SMASH THROUGH CONVENIENTLY UNOCCUPIED BUILDINGS BEFORE THEY SMASH INTO THEIR FOES. ROMITA JR. IS GREAT AT THIS GOD-LIKE-POWER STUFF, WHICH IS WHY I'M SURE THEY CHOSE HIM FOR THIS PROJECT. HE HAS A LOT OF KIRBY ON HIM, WITHOUT BEING A RIP-OFF. LOTS OF RAW POWER BEING THROWN ABOUT. LOVE IT. I WISH KIRBY WERE STILL ALIVE AND DRAWING, BECAUSE WITH MODERN COLORING AND COMPUTER-EFFECTS/ENHANCEMENT SUCH AS DISPLAYED HERE, HIS CHARACTERS WOULD LITERALLY (!) BURST OFF THE PAGE AND PUNCH YOU IN THE LABONZA. AND AROUND YOU WOULD BE LOTS OF KRACKLE. NOT THE CANDY, THE KIRBY KRACKLE. BY THE WAY, THEY DON'T SELL THE HERSHEY'S KRACKLE SEPERATELY ANY MORE. YOU HAVE TO GET IT IN AN ASSORTMENT BAG, AND ONLY IN BITE-SIZE. NOW I FEEL LIKE EATING 17 BITE-SIZED KRACKLES. I'M SURE IF I DO, KIRBY KRACKLES WILL SHOOT OUT OF MY COLON (PUFFED RICE DOES THAT).

Wow. Where will the Knicks play now? Oh, that's right. No one cares. Left coast!

THAT'S JUST MEAN.

I can just hear you now, Michael. TWO MONSTERS FIGHTING!

YESH!!! BIG BOOM AND BANG AND SMASH AND CRASH AND EARTH-SHATTERING IMPACT. THE ONLY THING THAT COULD HAVE MADE THE HULK/SENTRY FIGHT BETTER WOULD BE IF THEY WERE MADE OF HERSHEY'S KRACKLE. THEN I WOULD ENJOY THE FIGHT AND DIP THEM IN JIF PEANUT BUTTER (FUCK SKIPPY!!!!) AND EAT THEM.

IT'S AMAZING TO ME THAT FOR ALL OF THE MONSTER-FIGHTS I HAVE SEEN (AND PARTICIPATED IN), IT'S NEVER ROTE OR BORING TO ME. I ALWAYS JUST LOVE'EM. NOW I AM THINKING ABOUT THE HULK/ABOMINATION FIGHTY-FIGHT IN THE "INCREDIBLE HULK" MOVIE, WHICH SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN AN OSCAR FOR "BEST MONSTER FIGHT IN HARLEM".

Men.

LIKE MONSTERS FIGHTING. WOMEN LIKE LAZY SUSANS AND UNICORNS.

Ya know, I gotta call poo on Hulk here. Yes, his family died, it's ABC after school special tragic, but he's acting pretty high and mighty for someone who has cause his own share of mayhem and destruction. You gotta own it, Hulk. Then the healing can begin. That'll be $200.

BUT YA SEE......HULK HAS NEVER KILLED IN MARVEL CONTINUITY. I KNOW YOU FIND THAT IMPLAUSIBLE, BUT SINCE HIS INCEPTION HE HAS NEVER DELIBERATELY HURT ANYONE (MAYBE AN EXCEPTION OR TWO). THE INNOCENT FUN OF THE HULK IS THAT FOR ALL THE PROPERTY DAMAGE HE PERPETRATES, NO ONE REALLY GETS HURT OR KILLED. THEY MAY HAVE CHANGED THAT IN RECENT YEARS, BUT ALL THROUGH THE 60-90S, THAT WAS THE RULE OF THUMB. YOU JUST HAVE TO GO WITH IT. YA HAVETA! THEY DID A GOOD JOB OF THAT IN THE RECENT MOVIE, WITH THE SHOTS OF PEOPLE RUNNING THE FRIG AWAY OR TAKING COVER WHILE HE SMASHED HELICOPTERS AND SONIC WEAPONS.

I'M A BIG FAN OF THIS KIND OF SEMI-CHEAT-Y STORYTELLING. IT'S JUST MORE INNOCENT AND FUN. I WAS NEVER SCARED OF THE HULK AS A KID BECAUSE I KNEW HE WOULD NEVER HURT ME. GENERAL ROSS WOULD HURT ME. EVEN BETTY WAS MORE OF A THREAT (HER BOBBED HAIR ESPECIALLY). HOWARD THE DUCK WOULD HURT ME WITH HIS SARCASM. MAN-THING? HE'D BE NICE.


Hee. You tell 'em General Ross.

I HAVE A THEORY THAT ROSS IS JEALOUS OF THE MARVEL HEROES. IF HE HAD THAT KIND OF POWER HE'D BE ABUSIN' IT LEFT AND RIGHT AND TAKING OVER SMALL REPUBLICS. HE'S DANGEROUS ENOUGH WITH HIS GUNS AND FULLER-BRUSH-TACHE.

I'm undoubtedly in the minority here, but the fight art, it's pretty, but.. eh. I'm just not emotionally involved in the battle with Hulk v Bob. I guess I might be if I'd read more Sentry, but it just feels set-piecey.

I'M KIND OF WITH YOU ON THIS. IT DOES NOT RESONATE AS DEEPLY BECAUSE THE SENTRY IS A RELATIVELY NEW CHARACTER, ESPECIALLY TO MARVEL-HEADS. IF IT WAS THOR, NOW THAT WOULD BE COOL (AND MUCH BETTER THAN THAT ANIMATED MOVIE YOU MADE ME SIT THROUGH :)

I DID LOVE ALL THE FIERY SOLAR ENERGY ALL OVER THE PLACE. EVERYONE IN NYC LOOKS LIKE GEORGE HAMILTON NOW.

What the heck is Doc doing? Tony and Reed are completely bogarting this ish. Can Blackbolt yell at Hulk and Bob and send them flying into outspace or something? Can't Doc do something or at least get some panel time? Hello!!!

HEY, DOC HAD HIS DAY IN ISH THREE WHEN HULK DID THE MACARENA ON HIS HANDS. ALL HE COULD DO AT THIS POINT WAS BE A GLORIFIED EXTRA.

What happened? How'd they revert?

Ohhhh, not cool Miek. Not cool.

What a mess. With the killing and then the more killing.

Poor Hulk.

I completely understand the need to make Hulk smart and play with that, but I miss my Doodle/Savage Hulk something fierce.

I THINK - DON'T QUOTE ME - THAT IN THE NEW "HULK" COMIC, HE IS INDEED 70S DUMB-DOODLY AGAIN. I BRIEFLY GLANCED AT AN ISH, BUT WAS TURNED OFF BY MARKETING PLOY. I MEAN, RED HULK. RED HULK SOUNDS LIKE AN ENERGY DRINK. AND THEY STILL HAVE NOT GIVEN US RED'S BACKSTORY, AND I STILL DON'T GIVE A SHIT.

I officially have no idea what just happened. I know Hulk gave himself up so Tony could zap him and they've got him "safely" ensconced in a super-duper secret HulkBuster thingy 3 miles under the desert, but... on Sakaar? His spirit lives? Something more? A Primordial Campbell's Soup Hulk?

OKAY. WHAT'S ON SAKAAR IS HULK'S SEED. WHEN CIERA WAS ALL BLOWED UP, WHAT WAS IN HER WOMB WAS AS NEAR-INVULNERABLE AS HULK, AND IT SURVIVED. IT WILL GROW INTO SKAAR, SON OF HULK, A NEW SERIES, WHICH IS REALLY FUN, BY THE WAY - "CONAN" MEETS "JOHN CARTER" MEETS "KILLRAVEN" PLUS TEEN-HULK ANGST AND FATHER-ISSUES. RON GARNEY DRAWS IT AND IT LOOK TREMENDOUS.

I guess there was no other way to end it, but I feel ripped that the payoff was so abrupt and Illuminati-lite and sans coda. And the lack of Stephen was a total gip. I know, I know. It wasn't World War Stephen, but still...

STEPHEN WILL BE SPOTLIGHTED SOON IN "NEW AVENGERS" AND YOU WILL GET YOUR FIX.

And Rick? He was skewered. Is he alive? I don't know!

RICK SURVIVED BECAUSE HE'S IN THE NEW "HULK" BOOK. RICK WILL NEVER DIE. HE IS THE VOICE OF THE TEEN AUDIENCE AND HAS BEEN PART OF EVERY SIGNIFICANT MARVEL EVENT SINCE 1962. AND HE PLAYS GUITAR.

This was a boy's ending. Big fight. Big fight. The end. My Fallopian tubes are not satisfied.

MAYBE THEY COULD HAVE ALL GONE TO THE OLIVE GARDEN AND TALKED ABOUT THEIR FEELINGS. THERE'S CLEARLY A HUGE AUDIENCE FOR THAT. OVER BREADSTICKS THE ILLUMINATI COULD EXPLAIN THEMSELVES AND THEN HULK WOULD BE TOUCHED HE'D SHARE HIS PUMPKIN RAVIOLI. THAT'S HOSPITALIANO!!!!

I DID LOVE THE MORAL. "They can call you whatever they want...Savior...Destroyer...all that matters...is what YOU choose." I THINK THAT'S BEAUTIFUL, AND POWERFUL, AND EVEN SPIRITUAL, AND IT SHOWS HOW AWESOME HULK IS.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

AN ACTUAL WOLVERINE REVIEWS "WOLVERINE"



Wow, before I introduce myself, I gotta say it: Hugh Jackman has the best hair in show business. Long and lush and almost Farrah-like, yet still masculine. It’s a hard look to pull off, and the only decent precedent that comes to mind is John Travolta in 1986’s “Perfect”. Johnny, meet Hugh’s hair. And don’t let the door hit your bony ass on the way out!

Back to me. I’m a wolverine, the largest land-dwelling species of the Mustelidae or weasel family (the Giant Otter is largest overall) in the genus Gulo. I don’t get out to the movies much, as I spend most of my short lifespan avoiding, then attacking, slashing and gutting, Brown Bears, deer, and large reptiles. So a movie? Who has time? But I had to see “Wolverine”. Mostly for legal and copyright reasons.

I can happily report that I have no legal grounds upon which to sue Marvel or Fox. And hey, I liked this movie! I’m a male wolverine. That helps, because this movie has more fights and explosions than “Tora! Tora! Tora!” (one of the few other movies I have seen, back in ‘71 when I roamed Alaska and hung out at a drive-in in Gnome. Great place. Probably still there).

“Wolverine” is an E-ticket thrill ride and the feel-rage-hit of the summer. It’s about a really handsome, hairy guy with awesome hair who is born with bony claws and has a brother with long fingernails. They both heal quickly and age slowly, and the opening credits are awesome, as we see the brothers fighting in the Civil War, The Spanish-Amercian War, World War 1, WW2, The Korean War, The Vietnam War, The War Of The Roses, The Cola Wars (Pepsi wins), War And Peace, The Milagro Beanfield War, Star Wars, Warren Beatty, and a small skirmish at a knish stand at Coney Island, circa 1957, when The Cyclone was closed because of Joseph McCarthy. Then the brothers have a falling out because Wolverine is all like not as kill-y as his sibling, and you can bet that big bro (Liev Schreiber, son of Avery, I assume) will be back for Plot Point One to kill Wolverine’s girlfriend so Wolverine can look up at a camera way on high and go “NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!” That part just killed me because the girl was way hot, and her hair was as shiny and pretty as his.

Wolverine swears revenge, conditions with Pantene, and volunteers to become the government’s “Weapon X”, wherein his entire skeleton is laced and encased in indestructible Adamantium, which I believe was discovered and developed by Adam Ant or Atom Ant, I’m not sure which. It’s a great scene and the scary-syringe budget on this movie must have been way high, like “Pearl Harbor”-high, but it’s so worth it when Wolverine pops out of the water tank and slices up lots of extras in lab coats. Botany 500 made a line of pre-tattered lab coats just for this film, I read on Harry Knowle’s website. Harry Knowles is very fat and I am thinking about attacking him and feeding on him throughout the winter. Sorry, but I haven’t killed and eaten in like 3 hours and I am famished.

Then Wolverine recruits a bunch of mutants to help him out. One of them is Gambit, who has never, ever shampooed, but apparently possesses the power to shuffle cards explosively. There’s also The Blob, who’s, well, a big Blob, and was supposed to be played by Harry Knowles, or so I read on a message board that points out continuity errors on “Lost”. There’s also a young Cyclops, who at this point does not possess the power to whine, but his eyes are all zappy and cool. Then a bunch of stuff happens and we’re flying, literally, into Act 3, to the villain’s headquarters at Three Mile Island. I was so hoping for a cameo from Jack Lemmon and Jane Fonda until I realized that the filmakers are probably way too young to get a “China Syndrome” reference, and indeed probably think “The China Syndrome” is a buddy-cop-comedy starring Jackie Chan and Jamie Kennedy.

Wolverine walks right into the top-secret lab so easily and effortlessly that I was surprised there was no Wal-Mart greeter. Then there’s an awesome spoiler which I won’t spoil, and then a biggedy-big fight with Liev Schreiber and a Scary Mutant who has the powers of the entire supporting cast. Fantastic stuff, with emotional resonance. After Wolverine triumphs, there’s a tragic scene I shall not spoil and a wonderful cameo that I shant ruin as well. The end credits are six hours long, but there is a small scene at the end of them, so stick around, even if you don’t care who CGI’d all the veins in the actors’ muscle-y arms or who catered in New Zealand (Cottage Pie On A Stick and a special thanks to The Lolly Cake Corporation).

What a fun movie! It made me forget that I need to feed on mammalian flesh and blood constantly or my plush coat loses its ability to insulate my tiny body from the harsh NorthEastern winter. It was nice talking with you, but please go away now or I will eat you.