Friday, May 8, 2009

WORLD WAR HULK #5: WARBOUND, SCHMOREBOUND


[A stream of consciousness live-blog]
with commentary from MICHAEL

Note: So sorry for the long delay between posts. House-hunting and now moving. Will be posting again a bit sporadically for the next few weeks, then things should settle down. Thanks for you patience!

Bob and his rippling muscles to the rescue! Hulk's nails are nicely manicured. I wonder what salon he goes to for his mani-pedi.

IT'S ALL THE PUNCHING. SMASHING GRANITE BUFFS THE HANDS NICELY.

More previouslies.... Hulk's family died, yada yada, planet destroyed, Reed bad.. got it.

IMPORTANT TO REMIND YOU, MISSY. EVERY COMIC BOOK IS SOMEONE'S FIRST! I AM POINTNG MY FINGER AS I REMIND YOU OF THIS.

Wait. Reed controlled the disk? No, Hulk did?

HULK DID. THE ONLY THING REED CONTROLS AT THIS POINT IN HIS CAREER IS HIS BLADDER, AND I'M NOT EVEN SURE ABOUT THAT. I KNOW I HARP ON THIS, BUT I WISH YOU HAD GROWN UP KNOWING REED LIKE I AND MANY DID. HE IS NOT A TOOL. HE'S ANYTHING BUT. AND HE'S SMARTER THAN 6 TONYS (STARKS, NOT THE AWARD) PUT TOGETHER. I GET WHY THEY ARE DOING IT DRAMATICALLY BUT IT STILL STEAMS MY VEGGIES. REED HAS MORE REED-EEMIN' TO DO THAN TONY. MAYBE HE'S TAKING CIALIS OR SOMETHING (NOW IN DAILY DOSE FORM!) AND IT'S MESSING WITH HIS RUBBERY BRAIN. OR MAYBE HE HAS NEVER RECOVERED FROM JESSICA ALBA PLAYING SUE IN THE "FF" MOVIES. MMMMMM JESSICA ALBA. I WANT TO BUILD A TIME-SHARE ON HER BIG, PILLOW-Y LIPS AND THEN LIVE THERE FOREVER, WITHOUT SHARING. I'LL BE LIKE THOSE LADIES IN "GREY GARDENS".

Ok, hold the phone. I know it's been forevah since I read ish 4, but I clearly remember a serious bloodlust thing happening. Now, Hulk's all.. not. I coulda sworn his plan involved killing them. Not that I'm complaining. Okay, maybe a little, but not really cause Stephen needs me!!!

NAH YOU'RE HALLUCINATING. HULK MADE IT SEEEEM AS IF HE WAS GONNA KILL THEM, BUT HE WAS NEVER GONNA. HE JUST WANTED TO SHOW THEM, REALLY SHOW THEM, THAT HE IS NOT A MONSTER. THAT HE HAS MERCY. THAT HE IS NOT AS BAD AS HE BELIEVES THE ILLUMINATI TO BE. THAT HE'S MORALLY SUPERIOR. HE SURE SETTLED THEIR HASH! I LOVE THAT HE DID THIS AND I KNEW HE WASN'T GONNA KILLIPATE THEM. THERE IS STILL YOUR 70S DOODLE-HULK IN THERE AT HIS CORE.

Bob knows how to make an entrance!

OOOOO IT'S JUST TOO COOL TO SEE THE HIGH-POWERED GUYS BLAZE THROUGH THE PANELS AND SMASH THROUGH CONVENIENTLY UNOCCUPIED BUILDINGS BEFORE THEY SMASH INTO THEIR FOES. ROMITA JR. IS GREAT AT THIS GOD-LIKE-POWER STUFF, WHICH IS WHY I'M SURE THEY CHOSE HIM FOR THIS PROJECT. HE HAS A LOT OF KIRBY ON HIM, WITHOUT BEING A RIP-OFF. LOTS OF RAW POWER BEING THROWN ABOUT. LOVE IT. I WISH KIRBY WERE STILL ALIVE AND DRAWING, BECAUSE WITH MODERN COLORING AND COMPUTER-EFFECTS/ENHANCEMENT SUCH AS DISPLAYED HERE, HIS CHARACTERS WOULD LITERALLY (!) BURST OFF THE PAGE AND PUNCH YOU IN THE LABONZA. AND AROUND YOU WOULD BE LOTS OF KRACKLE. NOT THE CANDY, THE KIRBY KRACKLE. BY THE WAY, THEY DON'T SELL THE HERSHEY'S KRACKLE SEPERATELY ANY MORE. YOU HAVE TO GET IT IN AN ASSORTMENT BAG, AND ONLY IN BITE-SIZE. NOW I FEEL LIKE EATING 17 BITE-SIZED KRACKLES. I'M SURE IF I DO, KIRBY KRACKLES WILL SHOOT OUT OF MY COLON (PUFFED RICE DOES THAT).

Wow. Where will the Knicks play now? Oh, that's right. No one cares. Left coast!

THAT'S JUST MEAN.

I can just hear you now, Michael. TWO MONSTERS FIGHTING!

YESH!!! BIG BOOM AND BANG AND SMASH AND CRASH AND EARTH-SHATTERING IMPACT. THE ONLY THING THAT COULD HAVE MADE THE HULK/SENTRY FIGHT BETTER WOULD BE IF THEY WERE MADE OF HERSHEY'S KRACKLE. THEN I WOULD ENJOY THE FIGHT AND DIP THEM IN JIF PEANUT BUTTER (FUCK SKIPPY!!!!) AND EAT THEM.

IT'S AMAZING TO ME THAT FOR ALL OF THE MONSTER-FIGHTS I HAVE SEEN (AND PARTICIPATED IN), IT'S NEVER ROTE OR BORING TO ME. I ALWAYS JUST LOVE'EM. NOW I AM THINKING ABOUT THE HULK/ABOMINATION FIGHTY-FIGHT IN THE "INCREDIBLE HULK" MOVIE, WHICH SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN AN OSCAR FOR "BEST MONSTER FIGHT IN HARLEM".

Men.

LIKE MONSTERS FIGHTING. WOMEN LIKE LAZY SUSANS AND UNICORNS.

Ya know, I gotta call poo on Hulk here. Yes, his family died, it's ABC after school special tragic, but he's acting pretty high and mighty for someone who has cause his own share of mayhem and destruction. You gotta own it, Hulk. Then the healing can begin. That'll be $200.

BUT YA SEE......HULK HAS NEVER KILLED IN MARVEL CONTINUITY. I KNOW YOU FIND THAT IMPLAUSIBLE, BUT SINCE HIS INCEPTION HE HAS NEVER DELIBERATELY HURT ANYONE (MAYBE AN EXCEPTION OR TWO). THE INNOCENT FUN OF THE HULK IS THAT FOR ALL THE PROPERTY DAMAGE HE PERPETRATES, NO ONE REALLY GETS HURT OR KILLED. THEY MAY HAVE CHANGED THAT IN RECENT YEARS, BUT ALL THROUGH THE 60-90S, THAT WAS THE RULE OF THUMB. YOU JUST HAVE TO GO WITH IT. YA HAVETA! THEY DID A GOOD JOB OF THAT IN THE RECENT MOVIE, WITH THE SHOTS OF PEOPLE RUNNING THE FRIG AWAY OR TAKING COVER WHILE HE SMASHED HELICOPTERS AND SONIC WEAPONS.

I'M A BIG FAN OF THIS KIND OF SEMI-CHEAT-Y STORYTELLING. IT'S JUST MORE INNOCENT AND FUN. I WAS NEVER SCARED OF THE HULK AS A KID BECAUSE I KNEW HE WOULD NEVER HURT ME. GENERAL ROSS WOULD HURT ME. EVEN BETTY WAS MORE OF A THREAT (HER BOBBED HAIR ESPECIALLY). HOWARD THE DUCK WOULD HURT ME WITH HIS SARCASM. MAN-THING? HE'D BE NICE.


Hee. You tell 'em General Ross.

I HAVE A THEORY THAT ROSS IS JEALOUS OF THE MARVEL HEROES. IF HE HAD THAT KIND OF POWER HE'D BE ABUSIN' IT LEFT AND RIGHT AND TAKING OVER SMALL REPUBLICS. HE'S DANGEROUS ENOUGH WITH HIS GUNS AND FULLER-BRUSH-TACHE.

I'm undoubtedly in the minority here, but the fight art, it's pretty, but.. eh. I'm just not emotionally involved in the battle with Hulk v Bob. I guess I might be if I'd read more Sentry, but it just feels set-piecey.

I'M KIND OF WITH YOU ON THIS. IT DOES NOT RESONATE AS DEEPLY BECAUSE THE SENTRY IS A RELATIVELY NEW CHARACTER, ESPECIALLY TO MARVEL-HEADS. IF IT WAS THOR, NOW THAT WOULD BE COOL (AND MUCH BETTER THAN THAT ANIMATED MOVIE YOU MADE ME SIT THROUGH :)

I DID LOVE ALL THE FIERY SOLAR ENERGY ALL OVER THE PLACE. EVERYONE IN NYC LOOKS LIKE GEORGE HAMILTON NOW.

What the heck is Doc doing? Tony and Reed are completely bogarting this ish. Can Blackbolt yell at Hulk and Bob and send them flying into outspace or something? Can't Doc do something or at least get some panel time? Hello!!!

HEY, DOC HAD HIS DAY IN ISH THREE WHEN HULK DID THE MACARENA ON HIS HANDS. ALL HE COULD DO AT THIS POINT WAS BE A GLORIFIED EXTRA.

What happened? How'd they revert?

Ohhhh, not cool Miek. Not cool.

What a mess. With the killing and then the more killing.

Poor Hulk.

I completely understand the need to make Hulk smart and play with that, but I miss my Doodle/Savage Hulk something fierce.

I THINK - DON'T QUOTE ME - THAT IN THE NEW "HULK" COMIC, HE IS INDEED 70S DUMB-DOODLY AGAIN. I BRIEFLY GLANCED AT AN ISH, BUT WAS TURNED OFF BY MARKETING PLOY. I MEAN, RED HULK. RED HULK SOUNDS LIKE AN ENERGY DRINK. AND THEY STILL HAVE NOT GIVEN US RED'S BACKSTORY, AND I STILL DON'T GIVE A SHIT.

I officially have no idea what just happened. I know Hulk gave himself up so Tony could zap him and they've got him "safely" ensconced in a super-duper secret HulkBuster thingy 3 miles under the desert, but... on Sakaar? His spirit lives? Something more? A Primordial Campbell's Soup Hulk?

OKAY. WHAT'S ON SAKAAR IS HULK'S SEED. WHEN CIERA WAS ALL BLOWED UP, WHAT WAS IN HER WOMB WAS AS NEAR-INVULNERABLE AS HULK, AND IT SURVIVED. IT WILL GROW INTO SKAAR, SON OF HULK, A NEW SERIES, WHICH IS REALLY FUN, BY THE WAY - "CONAN" MEETS "JOHN CARTER" MEETS "KILLRAVEN" PLUS TEEN-HULK ANGST AND FATHER-ISSUES. RON GARNEY DRAWS IT AND IT LOOK TREMENDOUS.

I guess there was no other way to end it, but I feel ripped that the payoff was so abrupt and Illuminati-lite and sans coda. And the lack of Stephen was a total gip. I know, I know. It wasn't World War Stephen, but still...

STEPHEN WILL BE SPOTLIGHTED SOON IN "NEW AVENGERS" AND YOU WILL GET YOUR FIX.

And Rick? He was skewered. Is he alive? I don't know!

RICK SURVIVED BECAUSE HE'S IN THE NEW "HULK" BOOK. RICK WILL NEVER DIE. HE IS THE VOICE OF THE TEEN AUDIENCE AND HAS BEEN PART OF EVERY SIGNIFICANT MARVEL EVENT SINCE 1962. AND HE PLAYS GUITAR.

This was a boy's ending. Big fight. Big fight. The end. My Fallopian tubes are not satisfied.

MAYBE THEY COULD HAVE ALL GONE TO THE OLIVE GARDEN AND TALKED ABOUT THEIR FEELINGS. THERE'S CLEARLY A HUGE AUDIENCE FOR THAT. OVER BREADSTICKS THE ILLUMINATI COULD EXPLAIN THEMSELVES AND THEN HULK WOULD BE TOUCHED HE'D SHARE HIS PUMPKIN RAVIOLI. THAT'S HOSPITALIANO!!!!

I DID LOVE THE MORAL. "They can call you whatever they want...Savior...Destroyer...all that matters...is what YOU choose." I THINK THAT'S BEAUTIFUL, AND POWERFUL, AND EVEN SPIRITUAL, AND IT SHOWS HOW AWESOME HULK IS.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

AN ACTUAL WOLVERINE REVIEWS "WOLVERINE"



Wow, before I introduce myself, I gotta say it: Hugh Jackman has the best hair in show business. Long and lush and almost Farrah-like, yet still masculine. It’s a hard look to pull off, and the only decent precedent that comes to mind is John Travolta in 1986’s “Perfect”. Johnny, meet Hugh’s hair. And don’t let the door hit your bony ass on the way out!

Back to me. I’m a wolverine, the largest land-dwelling species of the Mustelidae or weasel family (the Giant Otter is largest overall) in the genus Gulo. I don’t get out to the movies much, as I spend most of my short lifespan avoiding, then attacking, slashing and gutting, Brown Bears, deer, and large reptiles. So a movie? Who has time? But I had to see “Wolverine”. Mostly for legal and copyright reasons.

I can happily report that I have no legal grounds upon which to sue Marvel or Fox. And hey, I liked this movie! I’m a male wolverine. That helps, because this movie has more fights and explosions than “Tora! Tora! Tora!” (one of the few other movies I have seen, back in ‘71 when I roamed Alaska and hung out at a drive-in in Gnome. Great place. Probably still there).

“Wolverine” is an E-ticket thrill ride and the feel-rage-hit of the summer. It’s about a really handsome, hairy guy with awesome hair who is born with bony claws and has a brother with long fingernails. They both heal quickly and age slowly, and the opening credits are awesome, as we see the brothers fighting in the Civil War, The Spanish-Amercian War, World War 1, WW2, The Korean War, The Vietnam War, The War Of The Roses, The Cola Wars (Pepsi wins), War And Peace, The Milagro Beanfield War, Star Wars, Warren Beatty, and a small skirmish at a knish stand at Coney Island, circa 1957, when The Cyclone was closed because of Joseph McCarthy. Then the brothers have a falling out because Wolverine is all like not as kill-y as his sibling, and you can bet that big bro (Liev Schreiber, son of Avery, I assume) will be back for Plot Point One to kill Wolverine’s girlfriend so Wolverine can look up at a camera way on high and go “NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!” That part just killed me because the girl was way hot, and her hair was as shiny and pretty as his.

Wolverine swears revenge, conditions with Pantene, and volunteers to become the government’s “Weapon X”, wherein his entire skeleton is laced and encased in indestructible Adamantium, which I believe was discovered and developed by Adam Ant or Atom Ant, I’m not sure which. It’s a great scene and the scary-syringe budget on this movie must have been way high, like “Pearl Harbor”-high, but it’s so worth it when Wolverine pops out of the water tank and slices up lots of extras in lab coats. Botany 500 made a line of pre-tattered lab coats just for this film, I read on Harry Knowle’s website. Harry Knowles is very fat and I am thinking about attacking him and feeding on him throughout the winter. Sorry, but I haven’t killed and eaten in like 3 hours and I am famished.

Then Wolverine recruits a bunch of mutants to help him out. One of them is Gambit, who has never, ever shampooed, but apparently possesses the power to shuffle cards explosively. There’s also The Blob, who’s, well, a big Blob, and was supposed to be played by Harry Knowles, or so I read on a message board that points out continuity errors on “Lost”. There’s also a young Cyclops, who at this point does not possess the power to whine, but his eyes are all zappy and cool. Then a bunch of stuff happens and we’re flying, literally, into Act 3, to the villain’s headquarters at Three Mile Island. I was so hoping for a cameo from Jack Lemmon and Jane Fonda until I realized that the filmakers are probably way too young to get a “China Syndrome” reference, and indeed probably think “The China Syndrome” is a buddy-cop-comedy starring Jackie Chan and Jamie Kennedy.

Wolverine walks right into the top-secret lab so easily and effortlessly that I was surprised there was no Wal-Mart greeter. Then there’s an awesome spoiler which I won’t spoil, and then a biggedy-big fight with Liev Schreiber and a Scary Mutant who has the powers of the entire supporting cast. Fantastic stuff, with emotional resonance. After Wolverine triumphs, there’s a tragic scene I shall not spoil and a wonderful cameo that I shant ruin as well. The end credits are six hours long, but there is a small scene at the end of them, so stick around, even if you don’t care who CGI’d all the veins in the actors’ muscle-y arms or who catered in New Zealand (Cottage Pie On A Stick and a special thanks to The Lolly Cake Corporation).

What a fun movie! It made me forget that I need to feed on mammalian flesh and blood constantly or my plush coat loses its ability to insulate my tiny body from the harsh NorthEastern winter. It was nice talking with you, but please go away now or I will eat you.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

WORLD WAR HULK #4: PAINSTAKINGLY PENNED BY PLINY THE ELDER

[A stream of consciousness live-blog]
with commentary from MICHAEL

Hulk's lookin' pretty aquiline on that cover. Hulkus Arilius.

I HAD TO LOOK UP "AQUILINE", SO THANK YOU. WHY YES HE DOES! I LOVE ALL THE COVERS TO THESE, ALL THE VARIANTS, TOO. USUALLY THE 8,000 VARIANT COVERS SHTICK IS ANNOYING BUT THESE WERE ALL REALLY FUN COVERS. I BET ALL THE BIGGIES WERE PUSHING HARD FOR A COVER GIG. TO GET TO DRAW THE HULK GOING APESHIT ON THE WHOLE MARVEL U - SO AWESOME. OF ALL THE VERY KIND NODS AND SOPS TO PEEPS LIKE ME WHO WERE RAISED ON AND BY MARVEL IN THE 70S, THE WWHULK MINI IS THE FUNNEREST WINK AND REWARD. WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR HIM TO BE THAT CHARACTER WHO AGAIN EFFECTS THE WHOLE UNIVERSE SIMPLY BY HIS PRESENCE. IN THE 60S AND EARLY 70S EVERY NEW HERO HAD TO EVENTUALLY FIGHT THE HULK OR TRY TO CAPTURE HIM. EVEN SPIDEY FOUGHT HIM WAY BACK IN AMAZING SPIDER-MAN 14. AND I REMEMBER THAT IN A 60S SPIDER-MAN ANNUAL, HE AGAIN FOUGHT THE HULK, AND ACTUALLY STAGGERED HIM WITH A PUNCH! WHAT HAPPENED TO THAT FUCKING SPIDER-MAN? THEY DOWNPLAY HIS PHYSICAL MIGHT TODAY AND IT BUGS. I LOOOOOVE DIGRESSING TONIGHT. IT HEALS ME.

The Demon Zom : Six out of seven mystics recommend him.

I know it's demanding of me (but hey, I'm a woman!) but I hate it when the artist doesn't give a half a rat's patoot about background faces, even when they're not that far in the background and are important characters like Hulk. I mean, he doesn't even have a nose. He looks like a castoff from Fragglerock.

THAT'S INTERESTING. I AM SO USED TO ARTISTS FUDGING BACKGROUNDS THAT I ACTUALLY THINK THAT FOR SOME ARTISTS IT IS A DELIBERATE AESTHETIC CHOICE - BECAUSE IN REAL LIFE, OUR CONSCIOUSNESS ONLY PICKS UP WHAT OUR MOST IMMEDIATE FOCUS IS, ETC. - AND YES I KNOW I AM PROBABLY FULL OF FECES. JACK KIRBY SPASM: KIRBY NEVER EVER FUDGED A BACKGROUND. THEY WERE AS VIVID AND INTRICATE AS THE FORGROUND, JUST ABOUT ALWAYS. IT MADE HIS STUFF LOOK MORE 3-DIMENSIONAL THAN A MORE LITERAL-MINDED ARTIST COULD MANAGE.

Doc is scary when he's possessed/chanelling an interdimensional demon, but then who wouldn't be? George Clooney.

GEORGE WOULD BOB HIS HEAD BACK AND FORTH SEDUCTIVELY.

It's soooooo strange to see Hulk just sitting there, expressionless. I miss my crazy Savage/Doodle Hulk.

I KNEW IT WOULD FREAK YOU OUT TO SEE HIM LIKE THIS. AND HE HAS BEEN THIS VERSION FOR A WHILE NOW. THE PATTERN AT PRESENT SEEMS TO BE: EVERY FIVE YEARS THEY GIVE HULK A DIFFERENT PERSONALITY, WHETHER IT BE A THROWBACK ONE OR A NEW ONE. AND THEY ARE ALL EVENTUALLY REVEALED TO BE ASPECTS OF BRUCE'S INNER TRAUMA AND HOW HE REACTS TO IT. ALL THE HULKS ARE GIANT DEFENSE MECHANISMS, AND SOME ARE MORE OVERTLY VULNERABLE AND LOVEABLE THAN OTHERS, BUT THEY ARE ALL ATTEMPTS TO COPE. YES I HAVE A MASTERS IN HULKOLOGY FROM CAIMBRIDGE.

Heroim. Sounds Jewish. Are there any other bigtime Jewish Superheroes other than the Thing? There must be. Two thousand years of suffering! I had a potato latke at Canter's yesterday. Seriously.

THOSE LATKES ARE FUCKING AWESOME. YOU TOOK ANNE TO CANTERS? THAT'S HILARIOUS. SHE GETS EVEN MORE HUGE POINTS NOW.

Stupid monsters. - Strange channels my doodle hulk just without the doodle.

Ok, I don't like this icky pointy-handed demon Strange. He would not bring me flowers.

BUT BECAUSE YOU'RE A WOMAN THERE IS STILL A PART OF YOU THAT THINKS YOU CAN SAVE HIM.

Wow, did he just impale him on his spikey hand thing?!

And then he kicked him. Oh boy. This is not good.

Collapsing buildings. This is a pet-peeve of mine. I know, I know. You have to just go with it, but I wish there were more civilain collateral damage, and not like Stamford, but like this, building smooshing the little peoples.

YOU ARE A TERRIBLE PERSON.

AGAIN IT'S WILD TO SEE WHAT BUGS YOU, BECAUSE THEY ARE ALL THE CONVENTIONS THAT YES, YOU JUST HAVE TO GO WITH. BUT THEY DID MAKE IT CLEAR IN EARLIER ISHES THAT THEY WERE EVACUATING NEW YORK, SO THERE'S LESS COLLATERAL TO START WITH. ANYWAY IF THEY DID NOT HAVE THIS CONVENTION COMICS WOULD LOSE THEIR VERY LAST BASTION OF INNOCENCE. YOU WOULD LOOOVE, BY THE WAY, "MIRACLEMAN". THERE IS AN ISH WHERE "KID MIRACLEMAN" CUTS LOOSE ON LONDON AND TALK ABOUT COLLATERAL DAMAGE, IT'S A LITERAL BLOODBATH AND IT'S A FANTASTIC AND HORRIFIC SEQUENCE. PEOPLE'S HEADS ARE UP ON SPIKES, ETC. GOOD TIMES!!!

Come on, Doc! Fight for control. You are going to be soooooo sorry you did this.

YEAH HE WILL BE AND YES THEY DO ADDRESS THIS IDIOCY IN LATER ISHES OF NEW AVENGERS AND SECRET INVASION. YOU WILL BE HAPPY TO KNOW THAT DOC IS A MUCH MORE INTEGRAL PART OF THE MARVEL U NOW, MOSTLY THANKS TO BENDIS. YOU SHOULD SEND HIM A CARD. HE REALLY SEEMS TO DIG ON DOC STRANGE AND HE WRITES HIM VERY WELL, AND BRINGS HIM A LITTLE BIT CLOSER TO EARTH, DIALOGUE-WISE.

Yay Hulk!

Boo Zom!

Oh, this is awful. He's murdelizing him.

Rick bringing the psychology.

Not in the face! Oh, Stephen.

It's a good thing this takes place in New York. If it were in LA, no one would be cause they'd be stuck in traffic on the 405, then they'd leave early.

Wait, people followed from Sakaar? Like they got on an interstellar star tours, stopped in Pizmo and now they're here?

Shirtlessness. I don't know when that happened, but I thank you.

Who said "no". I'm having trouble with the bubbles in this ish.

Again with the huh and the what? Blackbolt's people declared war on America and beheaded an opera patron?

APPARENTLY THEY DID DO SOME BADNESS AND MISTAKES IN THE LAST COUPLE OF YEARS OF CONTINUITY. I HAVEN'T READ THEM IN YEARS BUT I HEAR THEIR STUFF IS TERRIFIC. THERE IS A SPECIAL PLACE IN MY HEART FOR THE INHUMANS BECAUSE MY FIRST ISSUE OF "FANTASTIC FOUR" WAS 131 WITH ALL OF THEM IN IT BEING ALL COOL-LOOKING AND CRYSTAL LOVES ME.

Tom Foster's got a good point.

Doctor Strange dances with the devil. Puh-lease. Is that all that hippy-freakaloon's got? Stephen is an upstanding if sometimes painfully absent citizen.

BUT IMAGINE WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE TO REGULAR PEEPS. AND HE LIVES IN GREENWICH VILLAGE.

It's the Watchmen squid or maybe that six-legge done that attack San Fran in that fabulous Faither Demeurge movie!

I LOVE the idea of Tony without his armour. Now, if they just ex-extremis him.

WOULD LOVE TO SPOIL THIS FOR YOU, BUT YOU WOULD HATE ME. I WONDER WHAT YOU THINK THEY WILL ACTUALLY DO WITH HIM.

Why is this thing going for Doc? He's the GOOD ONE.

Where'd that giant machete come from? Suddenly they have weapons?

It's dead? That was fast.

I really love the idea of Hulk's recreating his misadventures for their dining and dancing pleasure.

YEAH THE "PLANET HULK" GLADITORIAL FIGHTS WERE WONDERFUL.

It's like Bread and Circuses meets Plato's Stepchildren. I wonder if they're going to make Tony and Reed kiss.

SERIOUSLY YOU KNOW THEY WANT TO. AT LEAST REED SURE DOES. I HATE HOW EAGER REED IS TO PLEASE TONY. REED IS WAAAAAY SMARTER THAN TONY. SORRY BUT HE IS. I DON'T BUY REED AT ALL IN THE LAST FEW YEARS. HE AIN'T THE REED I KNOW. PERHAPS HE IS.....................A SKRULL?????????!!!!!!

Meanwhile, back at the B plot, Sentry is stil standing stoicly and doing bupkis to move this sucker forward.

Wow, he can't leave his house. That's sad. Now, get some this guy soem Paxil and let's get er done.

I DO LOVE THE WHOLE IDEA OF A NEUROTIC, INEFFECTUAL SUPERMAN WHOSE SCARED TO DEATH OF HIS OWN POWER. TOO COOL. WHEN HE IS USED WELL (AND HE IS, NEXT ISSUE) IT'S POWERFUL STUFF.

Time to play God. Why not just be God's plucky sidekick?

The unwashed masses stink on ice.

I KNOW! NO WONDER HULK HATE PUNY HUMANS.

How can Stephen even hold that thing with his hands? And can he do a little magic after all? Or is this Zomishness?

HE CAN HOLD IT PAINFULLY. I THINK THAT IS HIS MAGIC. HE'S STILL GOT SOME MOJO.

Yes, listen to pinhead. Mercy.

Oh, Hulk. Be the better man-monster.

Yay Bob!

Oh boy! One more ish. Super funsies!!!

NEXT ISSUE MADE ME GO INTO MY ROOM AND JACK OFF. WELL IT MAY AS WELL HAVE. BY THE WAY I DO KNOW THAT MARVEL ANIMATION IS DOING "WWHULK" AS A DVD. I HOPE IT'S BETTER THAN THOSE GAY "HULK VS." MOVIES.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

WORLD WAR HULK #3: BY THE SEVEN SAULS OF CEDARS-SINAI!!!


[A stream of consciousness live-blog]
with commentary from MICHAEL


They're shooting a missile right at his man-parts. I know this war and all, but that's dirty pool.

YOU WOULD DO THE SAME. YOU HAVE BEFORE.

Why is Storm's name X'd out and everyone else's is just crossed out? I'm just sayin'. And why do people say that? "I'm just sayin'." Of course you're just saying, you just said it.

Ross is looking svelte.

HE DID THE SAME DIET DAN MARINO DID. HE EATS REAL-MAN FOOD AND LOSES REAL WEIGHT.

What ish was the saving the planet from aliens and Hulk gets a statue in Central Park? Gotsta reads it.

THAT WAS CIRCA 1983, WHEN HE WAS SMART-BANNERISH HULK AND WAS FORGIVEN, PARDONED, ETC. IT WAS VERY SWEET AND A LONG TIME COMING. HEE. THE HEROES ARE STUPID BECAUSE LOOKEE WHAT HAPPENED.

Why does he look more like the Silver Surfer than the Hulk and what are those boxer-briefs he's wearing and I don't think I ever saw him make that pose

YEAH WHEN HE WAS BANNERISH HE WORE TIGHTY-WHITEY-PURPLEYS FOR AWHILE. WHY THE HELL NOT? FLAUNT IT.

and *sniff* there's Cap in the back ground and dear Stephen who's about to get the rings of raggador wrung outta him.

Hee. Hulk throws his own statue at Thor. How did Doc disappear him? That's another ish I've got to reads.

YEAH DOC BANISHED HIM TO THE NETHERHINTERLANDS FOR SEVERAL ISSUES WHEN HE BECAME ULTRA-SAVAGE-MINDLESS-HULK. HE WANDERED AROUND FOR QUITE A BIT IN THERE. BEST SAL BUSCEMA ART OF HIS WHOLE RUN ON THOSE ISHES AND THAT IS SAYING SOMETHING.

Betty's dead? What the? Wait. Back up. What the? Oh man. You don't read 40 years worth of comics and you miss a little. *sigh*

YES. BETTY DIED FROM RADIATION POISONING. GAMMA RADIATION. COINCIDENCE? NOPES. TOO MUCH EXPOSURE TO BANNER AND HULK. THE ISSUE WHERE SHE DIED WAS PETER DAVID'S LAST, I THINK, AND IT WAS BEAUTIFUL AND SOOOOOOOOOOO FRIGGIN' SAD.

And who is Ross talking to? Anyone who'll listen?

HE'S TALKING TO ALL YOU JOHNNY-COME-LATELYS AND GIVING YOU 40 YEARS OF CONTINUITY.

Yikes! Is that adamantium shrapnel ripping through Greenie?

YESH. IT STINGS.

I guess so. War is hell.

SI. I LOVE THAT THEY HAVE ALL THESE CONTINGENCY PLANS TO DEAL WITH HULK THAT THEY WAITED TO WHIP OUT WHEN HE WENT TRULY BATSHIT INSANE. THIS ALL HAPPENED WHEN BUSH WAS PREZ AND I AM SURPRISED THEY DIDN'T KILL HIM.

Listen to Rick! He's young and hip and soon to be on the animated Gilmore Girls.

YEAH I LIKE HIM IN THIS. THE ONLY VOICE OF REASON ANYWHERE TO BE FOUND. THANKS FOR PLAYING YOUR HARMONICA ON THE GAMMA-BOMB TEST SITE IN YOUR JALOPY, RICK! WE'LL TAKE IT FROM HERE.

Oh, I love the Starbuck's banner at Doc's place! My Bendis arc spoiler was right! [See it here!]

YES THE SANCTUM IS CLEVERLY-SPELLICIZED AS AN EMPTY SOON-TO-BE-STARBUCKS. WAIT 'TIL YOU SEE IRON MAN AND FRIENDS TRY TO BUST IN IN NEW AVENGERS. HEE, THEY'RE TOOLS.

I would not want to be in Hulk's head right now. It'd be worse than living in the Big Brother house.

How'd he pick him up?

OooOooooOoo.... Doc looking sex-ay! All powerful and supreme. And a little scary. "Snuffing out your mortal life"... dang. Doc. That is not cool. We don't snuff.

BUT HE COULD. UNLESS HE DOES WHAT HE DOES BEST, WHICH IS TO SIT OUT THE MOST DRAMATIC EVENTS IN THE MARVEL UNIVERSE AND THINK ABOUT COLORFUL RAINBOWS.

Show me your true face. - Oh, that is heartbreaking!

YEAH IT'S SO COOL THAT EVEN HULK HAS TO ADMIT THAT BANNER IS HIS TRUE SELF AND ANCHOR OF BEING. I'M SO GLAD THEY HAD HIM CHANGE BACK AT LEAST ONCE. THERE WAS A BEAUTIOFUL SCENE IN "PLANET HULK" WHERE HULK WILLINGLY CHANGES BACK INTO BANNER FOR A MOMENT TO SHOW HIS LOVER HIS TRUE SELF. SHE ACCEPTS HIM FULLY AT HIS MOST VULNERABLE. THEN HE CHANGES BACK SO HE CAN DO HER.

So, Doc wasn't astrally projecting himself? He was there, just not there? He's so understanding. I love you, Stephen!

Oh Dear - is right! Crap! OOOOOWWWWWWIIIEEEEEE!!!!!!

Oh man. His hands! That's gotta smart. Oh boy.

COOL, HUH? HE WON'T BE MOISTURIZING FOR A WHILE.

Okay, so he was astrally projecting, but not. Kinda.

His fingers are higgley-piggledy! Oh, Stephen. But, really, it's not like he hasn't been there before. Always the hands.

The Night Nurse has got her work cut out for her. How I envy her!

Stupid army. Where's SHIELD? Isn't it their turn to screw this up?

FWAPP! I love that.

Not ding dong likely, you crazy - How can you not love a man who says stuff like that?

I LIKE WHEN HE SHOOTS HIM THE FACE. IT'S SO ANNOYING.

Ah, Miss Hill. Next!

I want a giant Nosering of Healing!

What's with Abu Ghraib?

Tell it like it is, Prez!

THE HULK-RESISTANCE IS IN ITS LAST THROES. AGAIN.

Listen to Zippy, Hulk.

Shadow Elders? Stoneforce of the Old Power of the Shadow - Help me, I've fallen into The Sword of Shannarah and I can't get up.

I LIKE THE MYSTICAL-ALIEN JIBBA-JABBA. MAKES ANYTHING SOUND GOOD. IT HAS A NAME, MUST BE REAL.

Listen to Rick! Why won't anyone listen to Rick?

'CAUSE THERE'D BE NO MORE MINI AND EVERYONE WOULD GO HOME AND STOP WARRING CIVIL-Y ON EACH OTHER.

Obedience disks. On Earth we call those engagement rings.

Oh, Doc's hands. I can barely look at them.

THEN YOU REALLY DON'T LOVE HIM AT ALL....

That he can't do proper magic without his hands makes me nutty and that he can do ANYTHING, but he can't heal his own hands. Sometimes the constraints of necessary internal logic, no matter how illogical, make me want to throw a hissy.

YOU'RE NOT HELPING HIM WITH YOUR BITCHING AND MOANING. JUST GRAB SOME ACE BANDAGES AND GET TO WORK.

Uh-oh. The box. I don't know what's in the box, but nothing good is ever in boxes in these situations.

ZOM! I remember Zom. That sounds like a new sitcom on the WB. I hope Wong's sending a tweet to the Living Tribunal.

GOTTA GIVE PROPS TO GREG PAK FOR REMEMBERING ZOM AND BRINGING HIM BACK.

Summoning a demon - NEVER good. Never. Has this ever worked for anyone? It's like casting Ted McGinley. Don't do it.

MCGINLEY'S WORK ON "HOPE AND FAITH" IS UNDERRATED SO TAKE IT BACK.

Although, Ted would be a good Danny. Better than Dean. And Jon-Erik Hexum can play the Sentry. Sweet jabippy was he hot.

Rick is one brave so-and-so. If Miek was looming over me, I'd pee.

Strange smash.

Seriously?

Worst. Last line. Ever.

BUT SUCH AN ORGASMIC MOMENT FOR US LOVERS OF OLD-SCHOOL CORNY-60S MARVEL.

I blame Zom.

THE FAULT LIES IN YOURSELF.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

WORLD WAR HULK #2: WARRIORS, COME OUT TO PLAY-E-AY!!!


[A stream of consciousness live-blog]
with commentary from MICHAEL

Hulk has really big teeth.


HE GOT CAPS AND WHITENING BACK IN 1997 WHEN HE BECAME "SMART HULK" (AGAIN).

She-Hulk's chesticles need their own zip code. Seriously, they're looking bigger than ever. Like "the giant vegetables from that episode of Lost in Space" big.


YES, AND.....?

And Reed looks like an angry, stretchy, C Thomas Howell. C. Thomas Howell!


HE DOES! MAYBE ROMITA JR. IS A FAN OF "RED DAWN".

Is that Iron Fist? I always picture Dean Butler as Danny. Is that wrong? Oh, Manly. Don't answer that.


IF I KNEW WHO DEAN BUTLER WAS, I WOULD ANSWER. OKAY LOOKING HIM UP.....HAH! PRETTY GOOD ON-THE-NOSE-CASTING. I AM GOING NON-CONVENTIONAL AND CASTING PATRICK LABEARTEUX.

He's being kinda pissy, isn't he? I always read the bolded words in comics with Shatneresque pausing emphasis. I'm sure that's not the plan, but that's what happens. It's always funny and in this case, really snotty. Illusions.


YES THE BOLDIES ARE FOR SHATNERIZING. I HAVE ALWAYS LOVED THEM. THEY ARE A SMALL BUT HUGELY IMPORTANT PART OF THE READING EXPERIENCE, ESPECIALLY AS A KID. THE BOLDIES SORT OF DO SOME OF THE ACTING AND VOICING FOR YOU, IN YOUR HEAD. WHEN YOU'RE READING ANY OF THESE, YOU'RE ALWAYS SIMULTANEOUSLY ACTING THEM OUT - DIFFERENT VOICES FOR DIFFERENT PEOPLE, BUT ALL OF THEM YOUR OWN VOICE. THAT'S THE INNER JOY OF THIS MEDIUM. YOU ARE SUBCONSCIOUSLY ALMOST FORCED TO BE AN ACTUAL PARTICIPANT IN THE STORY AND ACTIONS AND THOUGHTS. A TV SHOW OR A MOVIE HAVE TO GO A LONGER WAY TO ENGAGE ALL OF YOU THE WAY A COMIC DOES. EXCEPT FOR "THE SAN PEDRO BEACH BUMS". THAT SHOW USED ALL OF YOU, ALL OF THE TIME. A LOST CLASSIC AND AN IMPORTANT PART OF STUART PANKIN'S CANNON.

Is that the same Ronin from pre-Civil War? That Maya Conchita Alonzo chicky? If so, she needs to lay off he HGH.


OKAY, IN "NEW AVENGERS" AT THIS TIME, HAWKEYE BECOMES THE NEW RONIN. MAYA-ECHO-FORMERLY-RONIN IS ECHO AGAIN. YOU'LL SEE HER BAD-ASS AND BEAUTIFUL SELF IN ISH 3 I BELIEVE. SO - HAWKEYE IS NOW RONIN AND ECHO IS ECHO.

Okay, so that's her in the Not Ronin outfit. I'm confused. I need to have a drink with Ian McShane. He's just one of those actors you want to have a drink with.


I EXPLAINED ABOVE. STOP PRESSURING ME.

Wow. Trying to nuke Hulk was bad, but just giving yourself over? I'm worried for you, Stephen!


YOU SURE AS SHINOLA SHOULD BE.

Hee. "Children". Ya know, I read that comic "Sleepwalker", the ill-fated Epic comic that was supposedly a set-up for Doc's daughter. She's living in New Orleans and eating crawfish. He's one of the few Marvel characters that I wish had a chitlin. He'd be a great and terrible father. You could never live up to his expectations, but he's a doodle too and can do magic. Imagine the birthday parties.


"DORMAMMU GOT YOU Wii SORCERER'S EDITION. SAY THANK YOU TO UNCLE DORMAMMU!"

He needs a hero.... Footloose flashback.. Bonnie Tyler on the brain now... I wonder who it is? Hmmm. I'm gonna guess that kid Rick whatshisname. Is he still around? He used to listen to him. Is he a hero now? Or is he toast? Or is this some existential thing and the hero is Bruce?


RICK IS ALIVE AND WELL AND FOREVER THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON'S IN HULK'S LIFE. THE ONE RESPONSIBLE FOR BRUCE'S HULKINESS AND HIS BEST FRIEND.

Ah, so he brought the whole family.

Who is the Black Knightish dude calling for the Avengers? Ah, it's Ares. I thought he was naughty. No, wait, that's DC. Poor me another, Ian!


YEAH ARES IS A MEMBER OF MIGHTY-DICKISH-AVENGERS. HE'S A HEAVY-HITTER, IN THOR'S LEAGUE, ALMOST.

Who's the guy with green hair?


DOC SAMSON. GAMMA-EMPOWERED PSYCHIATRIST. SERIOUSLY. AN OLD FRIEND OF HULK'S WHO HAS HAD HULK ON THE COUCH OVER THE YEARS.

Is that Wonder Man? Did he get a bad die job? He looks totally different. I know, I know... it's Wonder Man, but not the old Wonder Man. It's like the different Darins on Bewitched. It's just plain messed up.


YEAH WONDER MAN HAS BEEN WEARING HIS AWFUL 70S LEISURE-SUIT FOR A WHILE NOW. I MISS HIS COSTUME-COSTUME. HERE HE LOOKS LIKE A YOUNG ALEX CORD CROSSED WITH A PIMP.

Cool. Hulks smashing each other.


I FEEL BAD FOR JEN. WHAT A FUCKED-UP FAMILY. I HAVE COUSINS LIKE THIS, TOO, BUT THEY HAVE NEVER SMASHED ME INTO THE SEWER SYSTEM.

Avengers attack? Wtf? It's assemble? Is this some Mighty Avengers thing. Have to make it their own? Pfft. Attack? That's not what it's all about. Boogers.


THEY SAY IT ONCE IN A WHILE. IT'S SEMI-REGULAR. I KNOW, IT'S ANNOYING AND WHY WOULD THEY TELL YOU WHAT THEY WERE ABOUT TO DO? RI RON'T ROW.

Hee. Korg's the Zippy the Pinhead meets the Thing.

YES. I LOVE HIS NAME. GREAT ALIEN-NAME.

Crikey, the Richards are disfunctional.


WITHOUT SUE REED WOULD BARELY BE A HUMAN BEING. HE WOULD JUST CRYSTALIZE INTO A SILICON CHIP.

I love it when the Thing and Hulk fight. It feels almost fair and I'm not worried about boo-boos.


YEAH AND I WOULD HAVE FELT SOOOOOOOOOOO RIPPED-OFF IF THEY DIDN'T DO THE CLASSIC THING-HULK FIGHT. THIS ONE MADE ME NERVOUS, BECAUSE I KNEW HULK WOULD WHOMP HIM. I LOVE THE THING LIKE
I LOVE MY UNCLES AND I HATE SEEING HIM HURT. HE HAS ACTUALLY BEATEN THE HULK ON MORE THAN ONE OCCASSION. ALWAYS MADE ME SO HAPPY. BUT I GET WHY THEY HAD TO DO THIS. HULK OUT OF CONTROL.
NOT YOUR MOMMA'S HULK. BLABBEDY-BLAH.

I THINK JOHN ROMITA JR. DRAWS ONE OF THE BEST THINGS. MY ORDER OF GREATNESS: KIRBY, RICH BUCKLER, JOHN AND SAL BUSCEMA, AND ROMITA JR. HE'S NOT EASY TO DRAW I WOULD BET. NOT THE ROCKS, EITHER.
HE HAS TO LOOK IMPOSING AND SOME ARTISTS MAKE HIM LOOK LIKE TEDDY RUXPIN.

But that had to hurt! My brother boxed my ears once. He also gave me indian burns, horse bites and smacked me with orange matchbox track. My brother was a meanie.


NAH, JUST A BOY WHO WANTED TO KILL HIS SISTER AND TAKE HER PLACE IN SOME TRAGIC GREEK PSYCHODRAMA.

Why pretend to be the Sentry?


OKAY - YOU KNOW THE SENTRY IS A RETCON CHARACTER WHO WAS ONE OF THE FIRST HEROES, ETC. WELL - SOME RECENT STORIES HAVE TOLD US THAT THE SENTRY WAS A GENUINE FRIEND OF THE SAVAGE 60S-70S HULK AND WAS THE ONLY PERSON WHO COULD CALM HIM DOWN. HULK LITERALLY WOULD JUST GET CALM AROUND HIM AND CALL HIM "GOLDEN MAN". TO HULK HE WAS A VISION, OR AN ANGEL, OR A GIANT PLATE OF BUFFALO WINGS. SO THE FF WAS TRYING TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THAT RELATIONSHIP. BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT RELATIONSHIPS ARE FOR.

Oh, Stretch got it, but good. Hulk's making easy work of all of them and I'm only on ish 2... hmmm.....


THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I HAVE FELT FOR REED IN LIKE THREE YEARS. NOBODY DESERVES THAT.

Rick Jones! I kiss myself.


YEP AND I LIKE HIS RECENT DAVID-CASSIDY-ISH LOOK. POINT HIM IN THE DIRECTION OF ALBUQUERQUE.

*sniff* Cap's dead. He woulda found a way to help the Hulk. Gimme another, Ian.


YEAH THAT'S A GREAT MOMENT. EVEN HULK IS WIGGED OUT. THAT'S HOW AWESOME CAP IS AND WILL BE AGAIN WHEN NEW-BUCKY-CAP STOPS SELLING.

I wish you'd been here before. You may go nuts, but nine times out of ten, you seem to hit who ever needs hitting and those guys sure needed it.
Wordy McWord!


YEP THAT'S MY FAVORITE PART OF THE WHOLE MINI. IT'S QUINTESSENTIALLY WHAT THE HULK IS AND WHY HE'S A HERO, NOT A MONSTER.

Get out of my head! - That takes me back to all those fabu early Defenders where "Stupid Magician!" would summon Hulk. *sigh* Good times.


YEAH IT'S NOT SO CUTE ANYMORE TO HEAR DOC IN YOUR HEAD WHEN YOU'RE FEELING BETRAYED BY HIM.

Hercules has a team?

YES. AT THIS POINT "THE INCREDIBLE HULK" IS ABOUT TO BECOME "THE INCREDIBLE HERCULES" AND HERC WORKS WITH NAMORITA (SIGH) AND ANGEL AND AMADEUS CHO. THEY'RE LIKE THE NEW CHAMPIONS. DON'T SCOFF. I MISS THE CHAMPIONS AND ISH 1 IN 1975 IS ONE OF THE BEST COVERS OF ANY COMIC. JUST PURE AND BEAUTIFUL.

Hehehehe! General Ross and his four star mustache! Awesome.


OOOO THE ROSS STUFF IS AWESOME. YOU WILL KVELL, ESPECIALLY WHEN HE SUMMARIZES HIS WHOLE RELATIONSHIP WITH HULK IN THE FIRST TWO PAGES OF ISH 3. HE'S BADDER THAN SAM ELLIOT AND WILLIAM HURT BOTH. "THANKSCH FER THE BEER, MIHO!!!" (BAD IMPRESSION OF SAM ELLIOT FROM "ROADHOUSE")

Phew! That was fun!

I TOLD YA YOU HAD TO READ IT. IT'S OLD-SCHOOL MARVEL MAYHEM. THIS KIND OF STUFF USED TO HAPPEN ON A MONTHLY BASIS AND WAS NEVER BILLED AS AN "EVENT". EVERYTHING WAS AN EVENT AT MARVEL. THE HUMAN FLY WAS AN EVENT. THE MICRONAUTS WERE AN EVENT. ROM, SPACEKNIGHT WAS AN EVENT. NIGHT NURSE WAS AN EVENT.

CAN'T WAIT FOR YOU TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS TO DOC STRANGE
.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

WORLD WAR HULK #1: WHAT ROUGH BEAST...SLOUCHES TOWARDS MANHATTAN

[A stream of consciousness live-blog]
with an assist from MICHAEL

Okay, so I didn't read Planet Hulk, but I know he was on this planet and stuff happened and there was violence and heartbreak and more violence.. you know, Hulk stuff.


PLANET HULK SUMMARY: HULK GETS HOODWINKED INTO A SPACESHIP AND SENT AWAY BY REED RICHARDS, DR. STRANGE, AND IRON MAN. THE THREE MOST DANGEROUSLY UNSTABLE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD, BASICALLY. GOOD CALL!

HULK GOES ALL OFF-COURSE AND INTO A WORMHOLE AND LANDS ON PLANET SKANK, WHERE HE IS FIRST A SLAVE, THEN HE'S RUSSEL CROWE/MAXIMUS, HE EVEN FALLS FOR A GRAY BALD ALIEN LADY AND IMPREGNATES HER ("HULK SMASH PUNY UTERUS!"), THEN THE SHIP HE CAME IN BLOWS UP AND KILLS HIS WIFE AND LIL' BABY AND LOTS OF EXTRAS.

HULK BLAME ILLUMINATI JERK-WADS SO HULK HEAD BACK TO EARTH TO SMASH EVERYTHING FOREVER.

He's got that escaped from the sanitarium haircut I so loathe, some stylish gladiator accoutrements and the fight-the-power fist of repressed rebellion goin' on. Cool.

The Savage Planet of Sakaar. Why do alien races use to many vowels? We could seriously kick their ass at Scrabble.

Stabbed him, burned him and ate his very flesh - apparently he was on Celebrity Apprentice. Come on. Admit it. You watch it. Who could pass up a chance to see Joan and Melissa Rivers every week?

Oh boy. The Illuminati's gonna be sorry. Hulk doesn't need oxygen?


HIS LUNGS CAN GO FOR HOURS IN DIFFERENT ATMOSPHERES AND PRESSURES. UNTIL IT'S CONVENIENT FOR THEM NOT TO.

Girded. Hee.

Frankly, I hope he makes a mess of the Inhumans' moon base. They need to be knocked down a peg or six. I got yer mists right here!


I KNOW YOU HATE THEM AND THINK THEY'RE ARROGANT, BUT MEDUSA SHOULD BE SPARED, BECAUSE OF HER HOT 70S-PURPLE FANTASTIC FOUR OUTFIT.

See, I like Blackbolt and his pouty sensuous mouth, but I'm rootin' for Hulk here.


GOOD CALL.

The only thing I remember from my high school science classes is that Pluto is the smallest planet in the solar system. Wait a minute! But I have seen a lot of movies and I thought there was no sound in space. Because, in space, no one can hear you scream, right? So, how how come Blackbolt's scream is working, sorta?


BECAUSE THERE WOULD BE NO STORY IF IT DIDN'T. AND THE MOON HAST TECHNO-CREATED ATMOSPHERE JUST FOR THEM I'D WAGER.

LOL, they just turn their backs and walk away. I don't think so.

Wow, this smart hulk is going to take some getting used to. He's projecting and expositioning. I miss my doodle hulk.


YES YOUR DOODLE-70S-DEFENDERS-DUMB-HULK IS LOOOOONG GONE BY THIS STORY. SERIOUSLY, LIKE 25 YEARS GONE. SINCE THE 70S HE'S BEEN SMART, THEN SAVAGE, THEN SCHMAVAGE, THEN BRILLIANT, THEN GREY, THEN PISSY-VEGAS-MOBSTERY, THEN SAVAGE, THEN JESSICA SAVITCH, THEN SMART AND PISSED AGAIN.

Ah, he was a gladiator. Boy, he'd be sumptin'.Although, I gotta say, my money'd be on Oliver Reed. Okay, maybe not. Off to the Elysian Fields with me which, btw, is a much nicer place than Elysian Park. Go Dodgers!


FINALLY, THIS BLOG WILL GET AN INFLUX OF REGULAR READERS, THANKS TO YOUR OLIVER REED REFERENCE.

Ah, some backstory... I feel like I'm suddenly in a Karl Edward Wagner novel. Hulk is Kane. Hey, did Frank Frazetta ever do a painting of Hulk? That would be coolsies.


HE MAY HAVE. IN THE 70S EVERYBODY DID ACID AND HULK PAINTINGS.

It's actually pretty nice of him to give New York 24 hours. Now if it had been New Jersey...


NEW JERSEY WOULD NEVER LET HIM IN WITHOUT AN EZ-PASS.

Blackbolt does not look well. He's kind of melting.


HIS KISSER IS ALL SCHMOOSHED AND SCHMASHED.

Here's hoping that Tony also gets a fistfull of hello from Hulky. I'm still so pissed at him.


I BLAME EXTREMIS.

Yay, Doc. Please don't hurt Doc. Even though I'm still pissed at him too... I'm fasting in the Artic. Blahblahmystephenwouldneverdothatcakes.


CAN'T WAIT 'TIL YOU SEE HIS CONFRONTATION WITH DOC. IT'S TERRIFIC AND CONTINUITY-DRIVEN.

Hey, there's an idea. Try to solve a problem and not ignore it.

His comrades? Doc has comrades who might be arrested. Clearly I've missed something.


YES. AT THIS POINT DOC IS OFFICIALLY A NEW AVENGER. HIS LINE-UP/COMRADES: IRON FIST, BLACK COSTUME SPIDEY, LUKE, SPIDER-WOMAN, RONIN/HAWKEYE. YOU WILL MEET THEM SOON IN N.A. AND LOVE THEM.

Ah, Deus Ex whatever they need him to be - Sentry.


YES. BUT HE'S USED WELL HERE, TRUST ME. AND IT GIVES ROMITA JR. A GREAT EXCUSE TO REALLY GO TO TOWN LATER ON.

"A word please." - I wonder what that's all about. Private talks with Tony these days never lead to anything good.

Spiderman's got a new outfit. For why? Too many costume changes. Give me the red and blue, please. He looks like venom in this getup. That's right, I said, getup.


HE'S "BACK IN BLACK" FOR THE THEN-CURRENT STORYLINE. DON'T WORY ABOUT IT, HE'S STILL THE SAME SCHTICKSTER. JUST IN BLACK TO EXPLOIT "SPIDER-MAN 3" AND THE MID-80'S.

She-Hulk. Pfft. Green-skinned Ann Coulter wanna-be. Be gone!


SHE'S AWESOME AND YOUR WORDS CANNOT HURT HER. ANN COULTER, I MEAN.

Our telepaths will locate you... J. Zeus, that's creepy.

An orderly evacuation of all of New York? It takes me an hour to get out of the parking lot at Gelsons.

They should cover the ground with puppies and kittens.

I hate this. In the old days, which for me was about 2 months ago, I would have cheered Tony's speech. I would have found it heroic and now it just sounds like bad PR spin.


I DO THINK HE MEANS IT, THOUGH. HE IS ACCEPTING RESPONSIBILITY AT LEAST. IT'S SOMETHING.

How did he inject Hulk? That must be one hell of a needle. I guess a vibranium needle might do it. Ok, forget what I said.


YES, VIBRANIUM OR ADAMANTIUM WOULD GET THROUGH. YES, I AM A FAKE-METALLURGIST.

Wow. Tony.

Ah, so his planet hulk wife died in a susplosion. The one he blames the Illuminati for. I get it. And, I would have thought they would never ever do that, but I've no doubt that was Tony's (and sadly Reed's too) plan all along.


YOU'LL SEE. IT'S FUNNY THAT YOU HATE THEM SO MUCH AT THIS POINT THAT YOU THINK THEY WOULD PLAN SUCH A HORRIBLE THING. IT SAYS A LOT ABOUT WHAT A HORRIFIC AND HATEFUL HUMAN BEING YOU HAVE BECOME. WHY DON'T YOU JUST SIGN ON WITH TONY AND HUNT DOWN YOUR FRIENDS WHILE YOU'RE AT IT....BETTER YET, JUST A BUST A CAP INTO STEVE ROGERS.

Cool. So much for Stark Tower. What are the Avengers (or is there even an official Avengers any more?) going to do? They should just rent a Winnebago from Lyle Waggoner like Shazam did.


AT THIS POINT THERE ARE NEW AVENGERS AND MIGHTY AVENGERS. SUMMARY: THE NEW AVENGERS ARE AWESOMELY COOL, AND THE MIGHTY AVENGERS ARE DICKS. TWO GREAT BOOKS.

Well, that plan worked well.

It will be good to see Hulk smash Tony for a few issues. But, I'm eskeered for Doc.

YOU SHOULD BE!

S'all for now!

Saturday, April 4, 2009

DEAR GOD, WHAT WAS I THINKING ABOUT THE BRONZE AGE? MY HEART HURTS, PART DEUX - FF #132 - OKAY NOW I'M DONE WITH THIS TITLE




The last two pages of Fantastic Four #132 are the most devastating, heart-shredding, and just plain sad in all of history in any medium.

It sure felt like that at the time.

Crystal (Inhuman Elemental Adorable Innocent Hippie-ish Hottie) has been dating The Human Torch for about seven years' worth of comics at this point. She even replaced Sue for a while and looked much cuter in her FF-variant costume. Johnny loves her and we love her and their love and our love will never die and the Beatles will never break up and flowers are the new money and Crystal is adorable.

Only we found out last issue that Crystal is dating Quicksilver. Quicksilver! Snotty Speedster and son of Magneto. She rescued him from a recent "Avengers" issue and they hooked up. It all happened so fast. Johnny, Schmonny. Johnny does not take it well and flames on like he's never flamed before.

Crystal makes her choice on these last two pages, and it's very well-written. She has her reasons and is nothing less than totally honest with Johnny. Johnny is shockingly mature about it, but we KNOW he's dying inside. The art conveys this beautifully. So does my own dying inside.

Then she walks away, and it really felt like we would never see her again, and never get to see how great John Buscema draws girls.

Ooooo the walking away was hard enough. Leave me alone. I want a Charleston Chew and a Grape Nehi, stat. But it gets worse!

The Thing knows Johnny is utterly crushed, and for once in his life, does not bust on him. He just casually asks him if he wants to see "The Godfather" when they get back to New York. That's the kind of small but HUGE moment that makes Marvel the bestest. At the time "The Godfather" was a REAL sensation in the REAL world and even my 9-year-old self was aware of it. And so were Ben and Johnny! They must be real, too. I knew it! I'll keep this to myself, but I knew I was right.

And then, Johnny says sure, why not, let's go, but his back is turned on Ben, and he's crying. He's fucking crying! He's not just a cocky fireball-hurling thinking-man's Bobby Sherman. He's got a big fat heart in there and it just sus-ploded into thirty-quintillion fiery shards.

NOBODY at DC cried. Not even the chicks.

This is the kind of scene and kind of issue that explains why there are Marvel-people and why there are DC-people. Today both companies put out emotionally-drenched stuff, but back then only Marvel was doing stuff like this. It kept you coming back and actually caring about what was going to happen to these people.

Friday, April 3, 2009

BRONZE-AGE MARVEL IS EVEN BETTER THAN THE REAL BRONZE AGE PART ONE: "FANTASTIC FOUR" #132




Back in 1973, way before the days of decompressed storytelling and trade editions, A COLOSSAL AMOUNT OF SHIT HAPPENED IN EACH AND EVERY ISSUE OF A COMIC BOOK. Especially a Marvel book. Every friggin' time you spent twenty cents (or your Grandfather did for you) you'd get 20 jillion dollars worth of entertainment, ever-y time. This is why comics were so very much cooler than TV or movies. A TV show might make you laugh for 23 minutes, maybe, if it's early, funny MASH or "The 2000 Year-Old Man" special or "When Things Were Rotten". A movie might creep you out for an hour or two if it's "Willard". But a Marvel comic would arrest and demand all of your senses and emotions simultaneously and then take them all for a psychedelic flume ride and leave you in a puddle of cerebral-solar-plexial-goo. Combine that with a sugary cereal and Timothy Leary can have his experiments, I'm just fine here on the floor, thank you.

I am sure I read FF 132 at least twenty times the week I got it when I was 9. It was so intense, in fact way too intense, for a little boy, which is all the more reason to dive in. It has people on fire and a giant and huge fights and a whole lot of preaching about equality and beautiful art and it's full of incredibly messed-up people, even the heroes, who are depressed, enraged, sarcastic, fearful, brave and insane. My family was like this! I could relate. It was like the comic was feeling my unexpressed and unarticulated feelings for me. Every character was so friggin' PASSIONATE about, well, whatever they were passionate about.

And don't even get me started on Medusa. A gorgeous redhead in a purple bathing suit? Um, yes, please, and keep them coming. I feel warm and funny and I LIKEY.

The Human Torch gets a new costume in this one, and I was as happy as he looks in that panel. Damn that's a cool variant. It only lasted 'til FF 159 but they should bring it back.

I need a moment before Part 2 because it's making me all sad and knotted-up to even have to go there again....

TALES OF THE WATCHER

In the next exciting issue: Uatu watches...something.

"NUTRITION BY NATALIE" ENDS MY 40-YEAR AFFAIR WITH LUCKY CHARMS, YET TEACHES ME HOW TO LOVE


Not only am I like all into nutrition more than I ever was, but I especially am all into a really cute girl telling me about it. "Nutrition By Natalie" is a bunch of videos on YouTube that have a lot of good and easily-digestible info about health and whatnot, and Natalie is really cute. I will eat better now, but only for her.

Lucky Charms rule and were once worshipped by the secret Altantean priestcraft, but - gasp - they are essentially candy and as good for you as Abilify has been for Hank Pym. Now, I always knew this, even as a kid, but now, Natalie has told me, so it's really true. Natalie Natalie Natalie. Say it loud and there's music playing. Say it soft and it's almost like praying.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

LETTER I WROTE TO NIGHTSHADE WHEN I WAS IN THIRD GRADE






Deer Nightshade,

You are sooooo pretty. I can see your belly button. I like your hair, too.

Even tho you tried to kill Captin America and you turned Falcon into a werewolf, I still think you are great. I can see your thighs. Do you like Good Humor Ice Cream? I love the Chocolate Fudge Cake Bar. You know the one with the candy bar in the middle and you have to eat all the ice cream and crumblies around it to get to it? That one. It's soooo good. If you came over my house and the Good Humor truck came by, I would buy you one. They are 35 cents. They used to be only 25 cents but there is an oil crisis and my Dad is always yelling at Prezident Nicksman when he's on TV.

How come your boots go up so high? Are you cold? I have a fringe jacket my Dad got me at Sears. You can have it if you want it. It might not fit you but you could cover your chest and that way not get so many colds. But now I am thinking about you covering it and it makes me feel sad. I don't know why but it does.

If we got married you would always be happy because I would always be nice to you and I get really good grades so someday I will be rich and probably a pirate or a ghost or
I will make Bic Banana magic markers. I would make the purple ones purpler.

I heart U 4ever, as much as Gwen,
Michael

YODEL-AY-HEE-HOOOOOOOOOOOO



The upcoming "Spider-Man" musical, directed by Julie "Lion King" Taymor and with songs by U2, was semi-previewed this week and here's some news:

"Ishioka’s costumes were breathtaking — a rogues gallery of the villains that appear onstage in the musical received audible gasps from the audience, including the Green Goblin, Lizard, Kraven, Swarm, and a new female villain created at the behest of Taymor, Swiss Miss (dressed in immaculate white dominatrix gear and multiple knives)."

Now, I get why Swarm might be in this show. After all, there is a HUGE untapped audience of fans of obscure villains from "The Champions". But "Swiss Miss" just puts the parafin-wax on my homemade fudge. I mean, hells yes, The Swiss Miss girl is hot, and anyone who wouldn't want to tap that is just crazy. She is truly the ALMOST-ultimate male fantasy: a porn-y blonde who speaks broken English, bearing chocolate. But I just don't see how she is gonna fit into the rogue's gallery, unless it is later revealed that she is really Gwen Stacy, who went mad after ingesting too many tiny marshmallows. That would be cool because it wouldn't be Mary Jane.

Monday, March 30, 2009

MEME, YOU FUNNY LITTLE GOOD FOR NOTHING, MEME

~P~ of Sanctum Sanctorum Comix showed the darker side of his nature in tagging moi for a meme. There's a special place for meme taggers and I'll see you there, ~P~!

As requested, here are the rules...

The Rules
1) Link to the person who tagged you.
2) Post the rules on your blog.
3) Write six random things about yourself.
4) Tag six people at the end of your post and link to them.
5) Let each person know they’ve been tagged and leave a comment on their blog.
6) Let the tagger know when your entry is up.

And now, six random things about me...
  1. I auditioned for the role of Mallory on TV's Family Ties. Needless to say, I didn't get it. Damn you, Justine Bateman!
  2. I can watch three NFL games in one day without breaking a sweat.
  3. I've seen every movie Bob Hope ever made. Even Call me Bwana.
  4. The scariest thing I've ever done is ride a giant Ferris wheel run by an ex-con named Spyder at a tiny town fair in Maine.
  5. When I was five I wore cowboy boots with everything including my PJs.
  6. I just started reading comics last year, which should explain why I don't know doodle about them.
Now, since I'm new to the Blogosphere, I don't know any fellow bloggers who haven't already been tagged, so I can't name the next victims. However, if there are any lurkers out there who would like to take up the meme mantel, please do! And show yourselves sometime. :-)

COVER TO NOT SO MUCH JIZZ OVER - WONDER WOMAN #212 (1975)


Hi! I'm a DC cover from the same era as Marvel's "Team-Up" #40, and I am colosally fucking boring and why don't you just shoot me in the head and get it over with.

I believe that what is going on here is that Wonder Woman is not experiencing a shorter, lighter period (there was no YAZ back then and women had to just drink a lot of Rum And Tab), and the mightiest heroes ever are trying to cheer her up, but they know they will get their heads chopped off if they try. "Hey, Diana, you w-wanna, I don't know, go fight some crime?" "FUCK YOU!!!" "Okay, raincheck."

COVERS TO JIZZ OVER 1 - MARVEL TEAM-UP #40 (1975)


Lookee at dat! Back in the day (choose a day) Marvel's covers exploded off the newsstand, grabbed your visual cortex by the ganglia, lifted you upside down and shook 25 cents out of your pocket. Yes, comics were a quarter back then. A friggin' quarter.

Sal Buscema never, ever did anything small or mundane. As much as people justifiably swoon over the energy of Jack Kirby's art, Sal's art has just as much power, bombast and clarity. His men were cleanly handsome and his women were unthreateningly gorgeous (except for Valkyrie, whose jutting metal breastplates could have led to congressional hearings, were the powers-that-be paying attention to comics back then. Thank God they weren't, because a lot of pre-teens would be devoid of women to have awkward, warm, funny dreams about).

Every week at the newsstand there were at least five Marvel covers that looked like this. They made DC covers look like Jehovah's Witness primers.

WELL, THAT EXPLAINS "SPIDER-MAN 3"

SPIDER-MAN 4 - IGN has quotes from director Sam Raimi who would like fewer cooks in the kitchen next time. "They really gave me a tremendous amount of control on the first two films, actually," Raimi said. "But then there were different opinions on the third film and I didn't really have creative control, so to speak. The best way for me to move forward on films, I realise... and this was a lesson I had to learn for myself... is that I've gotta be the singular voice that makes the creative choices on the film. I love Spider-Man so much that I'd like to continue telling Spider-Man stories but only under those circumstances where I think I can honour him. I don't think I can honour him any other way." Thanks to Holden for the heads up on that.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

SPOILER ALERT! - FUTURE DOCTOR STRANGE ARC

Doctor Strange has lost his title as Earth's Sorcerer Supreme. But, fear not Strange-o-philes! Award-winning scribe Brian Michael Bendis has an exciting new job in store for your favorite erstwhile Master of the Mystic Arts - Starbuck's Barista!

Saturday, March 28, 2009

CAPTAIN AMERICA AND THE FALCON #161 HAS THE BEST FIGHT SCENE, EVER





Bow down before the altar of Our Pal Sal Buscema.

CIVIL WAR #7: IT'S ALRIGHT TO CRY, CRYIN' GETS THE SAD OUT OF YA...



[A stream of consciousness live-blog]

Props to Rosey Grier, who, btw, I was lucky enough to meet and spend some time talking to. He was like living sunshine. Truly of the completely awesome.

Ok.

Deep breath.

Here I go...

Pfft. Avengers are good guys! They were anyway. To me.. *sniff*... they still are.

Yay, Cap!

Boo, Iron Man!

As long as SHIELD's on the other side, we have a chance. You'd think they had Captain Parmenter at the helm. I take that back. He was nice. SHIELD is all of the poopy. And Ken Berry is too simply fabulous to have anything to do with them. Is there anything he couldn't do?

Hee, go Spidey! Yikes Lady Long Fingers is creepy!

Hehe, Cloak's real name is Tyrone! Tyrone always makes me think of that great running Laugh-In sketch with Arte Johnson and Ruth Buzzy on the park bench. Would you like to play spin the bottle? *whack*

Oooo, that's coolsies. Cloak dropping everyone out of the sky.

No civilian casualties, eh Tony? I hope there's an upcoming ish where he's fighting someone and a bus full of blind girl scouts on their way to donate bone marrow for the handicapped explodes because of something he does.

Of course, they've got the baddies ganging up on Cap. I hope you're happy, Tony! This is the world you want to fashion? Fashion? Hee.

YAY! Namor and the, I still don't know why they're blue, Atlanteans! Go you fishies!

Go, Vizh! I love you even if you aren't you or are mostly you or maybe even just a little you, but I loved the old you, well, not the old, old you, cause that wasn't you, but the you from before this you is the you I love!

I so want Herc to destroy CloneThor. Seriously. Not even a biocircuit left.

Who's the gray skull guy - serious 80s flashback - He-Man! Master of the Universe! Maybe that's Skeletor on loan from Mattel. Fabulous secret powers were revealed to me...

Ok, Stretch gets points for the flying "Nooooo!" leap and taking one for Sue, but he's still on my list.

At least it (he?) has the good sense to wet his pants.

What did she do to him?

Thou art no Thor! - Thank you, Lloyd Bentsen!

Yay, he punched him so hard his circuits popped. I hope that's the last I see of him. What am I thinking? This is Marvel. And, Tony has that idiotic Initiative to cram down everyone's throat. What better crammer than CloneThor?

Oh boy. I can see it coming. Cap's winning. Tony's got almost no defense. Is Cap going to ease off and that's what... I can't even say it.

Huh? Who are those guys? Regular Joes who are sick of seeing their lives turned upside down and their city destroyed? How dare they!

Ohmygod. Cap is crying. Note to all the men out there. This is one of those sexy cries. Not one of those, my man is such a wuss cries. Punisher cried about his lost family. That's ok. That's healthy and can be wicked sexy. Cap crying because this is as disastrous as CBS trying to broadcast professional sports is okay too. It's not too Alan Alda, but it's sensitive. It's just dipping it's manly toe into the waters of sensitive. Of course, a man like Cap - well, he's all MAN. But I know some of you wonder what the hell we wimmins want. You might wonder if we don't want you to be crybabies how the jicama can we find so-and-so crying hot and beautiful. Well, all I can tells ya is... I knows when its when I sees it. We all do. We wimmins is just like that. Feel free to submit your crying stories and I'll tell you if it was sexy or not. :p

And, we're back...

I LOVE the idea of The Moment, but the pacing didn't work for me. Cap's realization transition was too abrupt. Just another few panels and maybe a line or two... Maybe I just haven't read enough comics and I'm still disgruntled by the abruptocity of some?

For the record, Reed's crying about the cockup he's made of his life is a good thing, but better heard about than seen. I'm just puttin' that out there.

What in the holy hell is Miss Clairol doing in that panel? I hate her with the passion of a thousand fiery suns.

And WonderMan? He's the Fabio of the Marvel Universe. I can't believe it's not better. Hee. Get it? Better? Butter? Ughghghgh.

As an aside, thank TPTB for that stuff. My duodenum will probably petrify at some point and mysteriously be discovered in Damascus by the Naked Archeologist, but for now, it makes feel like I'm one of those women profiled in Self Magazine. Forrest Yoga is my salvation!

Ok, I take back what I said about Reed. He didn't learn nuttin'. How can someone so smart be so dumb? Sure, Bernie. I'd love to invest my life savings in your ponzi scheme. He seemed to be coming around or circling around coming around - why did they just drop that? Damn potential arc droppers!

A small band remain underground - Luke Cage, of course. He da man. And Doc? Now you've decided to play? I'm pissed. You may buy my love with a chocolate croissant or a snikerdoodle cupcake from Yummy Cupcake (Galactus' fave!) and we'll talk.

Is Spidey all in black now?

Oh, Cap. *sniff* I just want to bundle him.

If you ever questioned Time magazine's choices for man of the year... behold - Hank Pym - wrecker of lives and hitter of wives... and what the hell is T'Challa doing shaking his hand? The hell???

Oh, Sue. :( Take the kids and leave him! For reals.

Director of SHIELD. Perfect, Mein Furher.

Hee... okay, he gets points for asking Miss Hill to fetch him some coffee.

Wonderful. They have 57 more craptastic ideas.

Smug, sanctimonious bastard...

And scene.

Click here to dig on some Rosie from Free To Be... You and Me.

Friday, March 27, 2009

CAPTAIN AMERICA AND THE FALCON #160 FRIGGIN' RULES AND ALWAYS HAS



Summer 1973. Captain America just accidentally got himself some super-strength after a fight with the Viper, and Cap's partner, the Falcon, the coolest guy in comics, ever, even cooler than Luke Cage, did not. But that doesn't mean that Falcon is to be trifled with. Especially when it comes to the lllllllaye-ed-ayz.

Leila Taylor is the mod, hep mama he has his eye on. She has a huge afro and dresses like she beat up Pam Grier and stole her drawers. I love her SO. MUCH.

But Leila no likey that Falcon is hardly ever around, what with him protecting humanity from all the super-threats posed to it. So she flits around other guys, like Rafe Michel, a low-level thug and street hustler, whose Afro is not as big as Leila's, but whose facial hair and sunglasses suggest a thinking man's Dick Roundtree.

So Falcon is all like, I'm sick of being alone, and so he swoops down into the streets of Harlem and takes back his woman. And this is BEFORE he had wings with which to swoop. He used to get around town with a very cool hawk-y grappling-hook-rope thingie, way before Batman stole and adapated it for his 90s Animated Series.

I still have this comic at home in Newark. That scene is burned into my brain, and for years I actually thought that this was how real men conducted themselves in regards to women. Maybe they did, once. Sure makes for a cooler scene this way. No one would want to see Falcon and Rafe engaging in passive-aggressive verbal digs and agreeing to disagree and then Rafe buys Falcon a Lazy Susan.

It all comes to a head in the next issue, which has, hands down, THE best fight scene ever in a comic, ever, because Sal Buscema is a friggin' demigod and his art, then and now, pops and radiates with energy and clarity. Sal is a WAY underappreciated force in modern comics storytelling, but his influence is everywhere.

THREE STOOGES REDUX


I don't know whether I should be thrilled or terrified or maybe a little of both. All three of these guys scare me a little. But then, the Stooges scared me too.

NYQUIL DREAMS

I dreamt that I was a small, unidentified Polenysianish child carried across the ramshackle remains of an old bridge over a fresh lava flow on the back of Burgess Meredith as he used a handily felled and stripped bamboo tree as a tightrope walker's pole as Paul Newman and my unidentified Polenysianish brother looked on in concern.

Ends up it wasn't a fever dream, but the equally deadly, When Time Ran Out.

MAKE MINE MA-HOOOOLLLY CRAP!!!


In 1978, Gerald Ford was walking into walls, "Fly Robin Fly" was still the only song on AM radio, and CBS made a couple of "Captain America" TV-movies in the hopes of turning into a series.

That's Reb Brown ("Yor, Hunter From The Future" to jog your memories. What? You don't remember "Yor"? I got nuthin' else) under the helmet. His dacron-blend costume was played by a young Heather Menzies, and that's Herve Villechaize bewteen his legs, ringing a bell.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

WHO REALLY KILLED THE STOCK MARKET



YOU MAY HAVE SEEN SOME "YAZ" COMMERCIALS THAT WERE UNCLEAR!


Hey, get off my ass. This hot chick said you MAY have. Dimplomatic immunity!

YAZ is a little pill that basically promises its ingestor superpowers.

In truth, it's a birth control pill. You'd never know that from the initial commercial, where this cutie-patootie Sex And The City-ish girl does lots of happy kicks at what looks like an empty bar in Georgetown. I guess she's so happy and kicky because with YAZ "you MAY experience shorter, lighter periods." No promises. You also may spontaneously combust. Who the fuck knows? I'm not a scientist.

I guess that ad was unclear, though, because when Saucy "Nipples" McTavish here comes back in another ad to ACTUALLY SAY THAT THE PREVIOUS COMMERCIAL MAAAY HAVE BEEN UNCLEAR, there must already be a class-action lawsuit ("All Women Ever Vs. Yaz") gurgling and festering throughout the Western Hemisphere that makes Big Tobacco crap their Depends with relief and girlish laughter.

Actual potential side effects of reading this blog entry (and of YAZ, from their site) include: upper respiratory infection, headache, breast pain, vaginal moniliasis, leukorrhea, diarrhea, nausea, vomiting, vaginitis, abdominal pain, flu syndrome, dysmenorrhea, moniliasis, allergic reaction, urinary tract infection, accidental injury, cystitis, tooth disorder, sore throat, infection, fever, surgery, sinusitis, back pain, emotional lability, migraine, suspicious Papanicolaou smear, dyspepsia, rhinitis, acne, gastroenteritis, bronchitis, pharyngitis, skin disorder, intermenstrual bleeding, decreased libido, weight gain, pain, depression, increased cough, dizziness, menstrual disorder, pain in extremity, pelvic pain, and asthenia.

I don't ever want to know what "vaginal monilasis" is.

This blog entry may have been unclear. Or maybe it opened your Third Eye Chakra and you are free to leave the Third Dimension at will. Like I said, I am not a fucking scientist.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

I SAW THIS TODAY AT EARTH-2 COMICS IN SHERMAN OAKS AND WAS AFRAID TO LOOK AT IT BUT I DID IT ANYWAY


Yesh it's for real. From Earth One!

Apparently "Superman" co-creator Joe Schuster moonlighted for years as an erotic/fetish artist, and many of his scenarios involved a woman who looks EXACTLY like Lois Lane and a man who lookee just likee Superman/Clark.

How motherfucking cool is that? I love knowing this even more than the pictures themselves. I flipped through the book and yes I saw boobies but no va-jay-jays and no I did not look long and hard enough to see if there were any weiners in there.

Best of all, the book's intro is written by Stan The Man Lee. I did not read it but I can guess:

"Hail, effendis! Welcome to the groin'-throbbinest, hard-nipplest, most spank-tastic naughty artwork in the history of the medium! It hearkens humble moi back to 1940, when I first created the Marvel Universe on a box of ribbon candy and tucked it away 'til its day had come. Although I merely co-created the real universe, and Joe Schuster, and figs, and also stem cells, I give my heroic guarantee that the following pages overflow with zazztastic drawingramas stuffed to the gills with hootie-patootie-sakabootie and Make Mine Marvel and in the time it took to write this I self-created a pocket universe that I will now vacation in. Excelsior!!!!!"

MIDDLE-AGED MEN OF AMERICA, UNITE AND TOUCH THYSELVES

REAPING THE WHIRLWIND: THE ANDRE GERARD STORY


Miriam Birchwood will be signing copies of her new book, Reaping the Whirlwind: The André Gerard Story this Saturday at the Fox Hills Mall Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf.

"It's the story of a promise never fulfilled," said Birchwood. "A wind that just... pooped out."

Although not very well-known in America, The Cyclone (Gerard's nom-de-crime) was a brief, but shining star in France. But, even the French have their limits. "After the 'Fan Fiasco' of '75, he was never the same. Those were dark, windless days."

Birchwood, best known for her work as the gossip columnist for the New York newspaper The Daily Bugle, found herself "irresistibly blown" to tell the story of Gerard, a former NATO engineer who turned to a gusty, if shortlived, life of crime. "It's so tragic," laments Birchwood. "A pathos only the French and Aaron Spelling can truly understand."

Look for Birchwood's next "super bio" this fall - Xemnu: The Child Inside.