AN ACTUAL WOLVERINE REVIEWS "WOLVERINE"

Wow, before I introduce myself, I gotta say it: Hugh Jackman has the best hair in show business. Long and lush and almost Farrah-like, yet still masculine. It’s a hard look to pull off, and the only decent precedent that comes to mind is John Travolta in 1986’s “Perfect”. Johnny, meet Hugh’s hair. And don’t let the door hit your bony ass on the way out!

Back to me. I’m a wolverine, the largest land-dwelling species of the Mustelidae or weasel family (the Giant Otter is largest overall) in the genus Gulo. I don’t get out to the movies much, as I spend most of my short lifespan avoiding, then attacking, slashing and gutting, Brown Bears, deer, and large reptiles. So a movie? Who has time? But I had to see “Wolverine”. Mostly for legal and copyright reasons.

I can happily report that I have no legal grounds upon which to sue Marvel or Fox. And hey, I liked this movie! I’m a male wolverine. That helps, because this movie has more fights and explosions than “Tora! Tora! Tora!” (one of the few other movies I have seen, back in ‘71 when I roamed Alaska and hung out at a drive-in in Gnome. Great place. Probably still there).

“Wolverine” is an E-ticket thrill ride and the feel-rage-hit of the summer. It’s about a really handsome, hairy guy with awesome hair who is born with bony claws and has a brother with long fingernails. They both heal quickly and age slowly, and the opening credits are awesome, as we see the brothers fighting in the Civil War, The Spanish-Amercian War, World War 1, WW2, The Korean War, The Vietnam War, The War Of The Roses, The Cola Wars (Pepsi wins), War And Peace, The Milagro Beanfield War, Star Wars, Warren Beatty, and a small skirmish at a knish stand at Coney Island, circa 1957, when The Cyclone was closed because of Joseph McCarthy. Then the brothers have a falling out because Wolverine is all like not as kill-y as his sibling, and you can bet that big bro (Liev Schreiber, son of Avery, I assume) will be back for Plot Point One to kill Wolverine’s girlfriend so Wolverine can look up at a camera way on high and go “NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!” That part just killed me because the girl was way hot, and her hair was as shiny and pretty as his.

Wolverine swears revenge, conditions with Pantene, and volunteers to become the government’s “Weapon X”, wherein his entire skeleton is laced and encased in indestructible Adamantium, which I believe was discovered and developed by Adam Ant or Atom Ant, I’m not sure which. It’s a great scene and the scary-syringe budget on this movie must have been way high, like “Pearl Harbor”-high, but it’s so worth it when Wolverine pops out of the water tank and slices up lots of extras in lab coats. Botany 500 made a line of pre-tattered lab coats just for this film, I read on Harry Knowle’s website. Harry Knowles is very fat and I am thinking about attacking him and feeding on him throughout the winter. Sorry, but I haven’t killed and eaten in like 3 hours and I am famished.

Then Wolverine recruits a bunch of mutants to help him out. One of them is Gambit, who has never, ever shampooed, but apparently possesses the power to shuffle cards explosively. There’s also The Blob, who’s, well, a big Blob, and was supposed to be played by Harry Knowles, or so I read on a message board that points out continuity errors on “Lost”. There’s also a young Cyclops, who at this point does not possess the power to whine, but his eyes are all zappy and cool. Then a bunch of stuff happens and we’re flying, literally, into Act 3, to the villain’s headquarters at Three Mile Island. I was so hoping for a cameo from Jack Lemmon and Jane Fonda until I realized that the filmakers are probably way too young to get a “China Syndrome” reference, and indeed probably think “The China Syndrome” is a buddy-cop-comedy starring Jackie Chan and Jamie Kennedy.

Wolverine walks right into the top-secret lab so easily and effortlessly that I was surprised there was no Wal-Mart greeter. Then there’s an awesome spoiler which I won’t spoil, and then a biggedy-big fight with Liev Schreiber and a Scary Mutant who has the powers of the entire supporting cast. Fantastic stuff, with emotional resonance. After Wolverine triumphs, there’s a tragic scene I shall not spoil and a wonderful cameo that I shant ruin as well. The end credits are six hours long, but there is a small scene at the end of them, so stick around, even if you don’t care who CGI’d all the veins in the actors’ muscle-y arms or who catered in New Zealand (Cottage Pie On A Stick and a special thanks to The Lolly Cake Corporation).

What a fun movie! It made me forget that I need to feed on mammalian flesh and blood constantly or my plush coat loses its ability to insulate my tiny body from the harsh NorthEastern winter. It was nice talking with you, but please go away now or I will eat you.