Saturday, February 28, 2009

OK NO MORE PEEPEE STUFF TODAY


Now I'm done.

WOW

I SHOULD HAVE CALLED MY PEEPEE THIS, MAYBE NOW I WILL


PASTE-POT PETE.

THINGS I USED TO CALL MY PEEPEE

IF YOU OR A LOVED ONE...



If you or a loved one fought the Asbestos Man from 1963 to 1972 you may be entitled to millions of dollars in damages. Our firm, Goodman, Lieber, Kurtzberg & Holliway successfully won over $300 million in the landmark case Zemo v. Chen Lu, 109 F.3d 388, 344 (72nd Cir. 1982). You may be entitled to compensation! Know your rights! Call us today.

NEW AVENGERS #19: MARIA HILL CAN KISS MY PATOOTIE

[A stream of consciousness live-blog]


And away we go...

Hee. Boy, Pete's a little slow at picking up the clues. He keeps blabbing on and on as Iron Man tries to get him to cram it, but nooooo... he keeps going.... dumbass. Hee.

Oh, poor Vizh. I'm guessing he has no memory of House of M. Which is just as well, I guess. I thought those two kids had a chance. God, I'm a sap.

Frickin' SHIELD. I'm sick of them.

Boy, Tony wins the Exposition While Fighting Award! Lordy. Extremis, the Ultimate in Multitasking.

I'd like to give Miss Hill a piece of my mind a swift kick in the pancreas.

Oh, Superhuman Registration Act.... how much has been said about that up until now? Groundwork being laid.

I do not like Miss Hill one little bit. Seriously, she can kiss my ass. Michael said I'd grow to like her, but I've grown to really detest her. A lot.

I had no idea it was going to go this way.
Some futurist.
- Hee!

I left my heart in Genosha. And my best pair of pants.

S'all for now. Sorry that was a shorty.

Friday, February 27, 2009

TWINSIES 2


DARWIN MISS BRIDGER

NEW AVENGERS #18: GOING POSTAL


[A stream of consciousness live-blog]


VIZH! He's alive or sequenced or whatever he would be. He's there. He's noshing. I'm excited and confused. He was burping up Ultrons and ripped in two last I saw. I miss him and his synthezoid self. That Avengers cover with him from the late sixties makes my heart beat faster.

Ok, Young Avengers. Who are these chitlins?

We'll call your parents and have you arrested. - That's like an engraved invitation to sneak off and follow. Not that I would do that. I would totally do that.

Hee... Peter doesn't have license.

Dang, it blew the armor right off his beautifully proportioned and very attractive bod! Although, did it blow off his manparts or is he pulling a Crying Game here? He looks very Ken doll. I miss my GI Joe doll. I loved to rub his fuzzy head.

Is he disenchancelling her? That looked painful.

The hell was that now?
Bob.


Hee! And they even goofily put in "The Sentry" in the trademarked font. Thank you Mad Men!

Where's Thor? He's just "gone". Maybe he's having lunch at the Ivy with Kenneth Branagh.

Two monsters fighting. A love story for men.

And Wolverine is the centering/calming one... cool. He's old and has seen much of life.

She said underpants. Underpants always makes me giggle. Underwear doesn't, but underpants...

Oooo, that's cool that Cap has the armor codes. Smart.

So, is he the manifestation of some of the lost mutant powers?

Hee... good old quippy spidey.

Yay, Vision! Scan those files. I bet he runs a Mac OS.

Ooooo..... it's mutarific.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

GOOM SUES GOOP.COM, GWYNETH PALTROW



(AP Wire, February 26, 2009, 10:06AM) - Giant monster from Planet X Goom has filed copyright infringement and defamation lawsuits against website GOOP.COM, a high-end lifestyle/fitness/spiritual website created and hosted by Oscar-winning actress Gywneth Paltrow.

“I, Goom, have been hard at work for four and half years on Goom.com, a webzine that caters to the whims and needs of the discerning, wealthy-celebrity-giant-alien-monster,” said Goom from his underground volcanic lair at one of Earth’s undisclosed energy-meridian points. “I had even secured the services of famed spiritual guru Klatari The Wizened from Crozun 6, and he is a tough “get”, as we say in the webzine business. He insisted the purity of his message could not be conveyed in your Earth language, but thankfully, he changed his mind when I promised him a feast on the still-beating hearts of your world leaders.”

Goom insists that the similar names of the websites will inadvertently drive traffic in the direction of Paltrow’s burgeoning venture. “Goop is much like Goom, except there is a P in it. Miss Paltrow’s site is already up and running, whilst I still await my domain name from cheapdomainnames.org. It is unfair. Were I not so very excited about my new venture, I would flap my mighty wings and soar over Hollywood, and use my telekenetic might to explode the brains of its inhabitants, in the hopes that Paltrow be amongst them! For NO ONE defies the power that is....GOOM!”

Ms. Paltrow’s representatives had no comment. Goom’s legal counsel, Adamson, Schulman, Borecki, Myers & Thune, have stated: “In the Wild West environment that is Internet publishing, it is time for giant alien monsters to put a stop to the blind monsterism that allows for a talent such as our client to be railroaded by a Hollywood entertainer. Oh, and please help us, Goom is not paying us, and should we lose the case, he will use his powers to boil our blood and explode our brains. Please, for the love of God, someone help us, and um, no one defies the power that is....Goom.”

NEW AVENGERS #17: A, O, WAY TO GO OHIO

[A stream of consciousness live-blog]


In every universe, Detroit is a bunghole. That's sad.

Hee. Love the kids!

What is Spidey wearing? That is Spidey, isn't it?

Did my mom call you guys? - HEE!

Go.


Awesome, Cap waves to the old lady.

Poor Detroit. They have less self-esteem than Canada.

Now, that's scared straight!

Hee, Cap is playin' with Luke!

Impact Super-Heroing.. Freaking awesome! Real, street-level, real people do goodery. No more sitting in the mansion/towers waiting for the biggy, they're actually helping the little peeps. Too f'ing awesome!

Thank you, Detroit! Good night!

Ya know, those white go-go boots the SHIELDIES wear make them look a little like Laker Girls. Away uniforms.

Hi, you've reached Reed, Susan, Johnny and Ben. We're not in this dimension, but if you'll leave your name and number after the beep....

Uh-oh. Cleveland. It's going for the Rock and Hall of Fame, cause let's face it.. what else is there in Cleveland? May Bob Hope forgive me.

Oh my god, it's Dr. Manhattan! Or his brother, Doctor Martha's Vineyard.

The X-Men stopped answering the phone. They're eating Chunky Monkey and watching Nicktoons in the Danger Room. Thanks, for the help, Muties!

Cap gets what Cap wants. And Cap wants... me!

Oh, Daisy... watch your back, traitor, I mean, loyalist, I mean... what do I mean?

Oh, Bob. I guess now they can save him to be Deus Ex Sentrius. Or not.

Oh, Iron Spidey... cool idea, but me likey old vulnerable Spideroo. It's a nice idea that they want him to use his science skillz.

Wake up you all-powerful schizo. We need your massive instability!

Thank heaven they draw Tony as nekkid in that suit. It makes me tingle.

Hmmm... reference to Korvac saga which I know of, but haven't read... Adds to list.

Stupid, dumbass Carol. Go back to your stinky blog! I'm a superhero with no discernible insights, blahblahimgoingtoscrewthisupforeveryonecakes.

Wow, all the way to Toledo. I wonder if the Mud Hens are playing?

Oy. What a fine mess she's gotten us into.

S'all for now!

- The Latvarian Moussaka and Marching Society

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

MATTHEW STAR: THE POWER TO SHELVE

FIRST DRAFT OF BOBBY JINDAL'S SPEECH FOUND



AMERICA IS AWESOMEST
by Bobby Jindal

Enter, smiling. Actually, big smile first, then enter, smiling same big smile. Make them like you.


Good evening, my fellow Americans. I am honored to be given the opportunity to respond, on behalf of my party and God himself, to President Obama’s heinous, demonic, anti-American attempt to help as many people as possible.

Mr. President. America does not need your help. Or anyone’s. America is AWESOME. I say this from deeply-felt personal experience, because like all of you, I am an American, and trust me, it’s frikkin’ AWESOME. There’s an In N’ Out Burger just about everywhere. There are Christian churches on every corner, even ones that stray from the true faith and are destined to be consumed by the flames of The Great Dragon on The Day Of Eternal Torment And Punishment that is sure to come, probably sometime in 2012, to anyone who has a different religion than the Jesus one, and also to criminals and especially to tax-and-spend policies of the past. I know it seems strange for an actual policy to be consumed in flames, but trust me, it’s going to be ugly, and I will be safe in my underground bunker, the same place where I waited out Katrina, and caught up on the entire sixth season of “The Sopranos”. Man, that show is awesome. But not as awesome as AMERICA! America is AWESOMEST. Try being more awesome than awesomest, Sopranos! It can’t be done. But if it could be done, only an awesome American could do it, on account of his or her awesomeness.

But here, my fellow citizens, is what CAN be done: nothing. Absolutely nothing. Government is not the solution to our grave crisis. YOU are the solution. You, the awesomest American people. Now, I don’t like to get bogged down in particulars, like HOW you are the solution, or what that even means. That’s for the pundits and the fancy historians to determine years after YOU, the awesomest American people, have used your awesomest-ness to revitalize our economy. So may I say to you in advance, THANK YOU, American People, for being the solution to our grave crisis. You rock. You are awesome, and I am physically attracted to each and every one of you. If I were not happily married and deeply in love with my spouse, I would totally get one of my assistants to arrange a hook-up with you. It would be discreet, and I would accept full responsibility for my actions, were they ever revealed to the media.


Smile bigger here. Sell it.


From the bottom of my heart, but also from the both sides of it and the gooey, bloody, pulpy insides as well, I say good night, and God Bless Louisiana, and America, too, because America is......

Pause for twenty-six seconds, then:


....Awesome.

Smile again, exit, humble but confident, strong yet soft, triumphant yet determined. Note: pee before, not after, speech.

NEW AVENGERS #16: CANADA IS NO HELP AT ALL


[A stream of consciousness live-blog]


Something bad is happening in the Northwest Territories... energy from a million mutants - the real cause of Global Warning. Maybe Al Gore's a mutant.

Ok, I suck at geography, but that first fiery, swirly thing is not coming from Alaska, it's Canada. Frickin' Canucks... Are there two thingies?

North Pole Alaska - where's my oil dividend check, white man!

Sabu has landed in Alaska?

Damn these hands, damn these fiery hands!

Is this Dick Cheney's origin?

Ah, it's good to be back in the non-dream time and where Tony is hot and SHIELD is not-to-be-trusted-or-are-they.

Eileen Harshaw.... new to me...

Burn. I know you said I'll like Hill, but she's got to eeeaaarrn it.

Ok, she earned a bit right there for kicking that dillweed off the ship.

Ok, so there are two points.

Alpha Flight - all I know is that one of them is gay. I'm guessing it's the maple leaf dude.

Wow, they were done in pretty fast! I wonder who that fireman from space is! Goodbye, second string super hero team from a second string nation! How does it feel Canada???? Thanks for the cameo!

Call the Avengers. Get over yourself, admit you need them and call. Sheesh...military. You tell her Pres!

It's Captain America. he'll take this down. He always wins. Somehow. - Right on!

It's headed for America! Somewhere that matters. Now it's time to act! Protect Wal-Mart at all cost!

She doesn't get to say Avengers Assemble. Pffft!

What kinda crap is this... a shortie so they could pawn off Kickin' it to Hell? Maybe the Canadians fall for that stuff....

Ok, all for now...

Will I find out why that man is on fire? Will it be better than Man on Fire, which wasn't bad, but I still like the original with Scott Glenn (weird though it is) better? Will Tony get some sleep? Will Cap save the day? Will Spider-Man say "oy"? Will Spider-Woman suffer from lower back pain? Will Sentry go all Britney? Will Luke lose his shirt? Will Wolverine remember some part of his past that he didn't remember when he remembered everything else? Will Hawkeye join the fray? Will Canada admit their bacon is just ham?

Stay tuned!

ANOTHER SHORT-LIVED HANK PYM IDENTITY


Bobby Jindal, savior of the GOP. After the most cosmically inept, stiff, cheesy, heave-inducing, high-school-debate-team-polishy, condescending simultaneous tripe and hopeful grab for the 2012 nomination, Pym watched his speech the next day, grew to giant-size, smashed his Tivo with a giant fist, shrunk to ant-size, and hid in John Boehner's pocket as the GOP itself shrunk to ant-sized irrelevance and time-warped fist-shakery. Many Americans nationwide called in sick the day following the speech, unable to wipe the image of Jindal's phony-baloney smile from their psyches. Several men and women were rushed to St. John's Medical Center after an attempt to scoop out their memories of the speech with a melon baller.

NEW AVENGERS ILLUMINATI #4: SHE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU


[A stream of consciousness live-blog]


Part 4...

Oooo...broody Doctor Strange.

Love this exchange between Stephen and Reed. Says a lot about each of them.

"Clea left me.
Clea?
My protege.
Oh, have I met her?
32 times."


It just gets funnier. You're going to have read this one.

"She decided it would be a better use of her time to battle demons, goblins, firelords and the antichrist... than actually be married to me."

I didn't know she was running for Congress. Rimshot!

Maybe if Stephen wasn't thinking about menage a trois (we never forget!) with crazyass Wanda, Clea would still be around. Men. That's right! Men.

So love this scene. Fun pseudo conversation and my uterus feels vindicated.

Oooo, that glare at Tony's remark makes me puddley. Phrrroowww. Sexy bastard. I'm still mad at him. I think. I'm not really. Maybe. It depends. Ask me next issue.

Doc is a hockey fan? Wow. Just when I thought I couldn't love him more.

Tony is a dog. I know...newsflash. But, damn.

Oooo, I think we all know where Sue goes when she gets cranky with Reed. A little sushi, if ya know what I know what I mean...

Oh, Namor. Tellin' it like it is.

It's fun, but very odd to see them all talk about such personal issues to so openly and to see Doc brood publicly (sort of). He does a fair amount of this in private and goes to pieces briefly when Clea leaves him in his own title, but this, while fun, feels a bit forced. Ah well, ya takes the good ya takes the bad, the facts of life...the facts of life.

Is Tony still drinking here, cause he looks like he's had a little too much Glenlivet. You're the baloney, Mandarin!

And, what's with the armor? The partial faceplate and ear doohickies, like high school wrestlers wear. It don't make no sense. Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're our only hope.

Marvel Boy - The Dumb Donald of the Cosmos.

Seriously, what is that on his head?

He's declared war on mankind. Well, get in line, bub!

Tony's request is really sort of morally adjacent isn't it? No wonder he ends up taking over SHIELD. He's a natural.

Oh, Charles taking umbrage. I never change people's minds without their knowledge, except all the time.

Wow, a little presage for House of M which already happened but hasn't happened here.

Anthony Newley, Stop the World, I want to get off!

Does Charles gamble, cause he'd be hell in a poker game.

Ok, Reed and Tony need to step away from the computers. They're scaring me. They really do think of peeps like computers. Heck, Tony is one. Sorta. Man, they need some granola and a weekend with Euell Gibbons.

Love that Doc wants to talk the dude out of war. You go, Doc. It's worked in Panmunjam. Shout out to the M*A*S*H*I*E*S!

And then there's Namor's more direct approach. Eat vibranium, Kree boy!

But, he does have a point. Namor could wear pants once in a while when he's on land. I think he should get some True Religion jeans, the fit is fabulous!

Was the inker on strike for two pages? Pukish sepia tone?

Do I care about this punk kid? Sure, he's a threat, or they've told me he's a threat, but he looks more like a threat to local Abercrombie and Fitch than the fate of the world.

Oh, Charles getting stern.

What's the deal with back to back stories about young, powerful aliens wanting to dominate the earth. They're so similar. It's weird. I'm assuming there's a grand plan here, but it feels deja-vu-y and not in a cool, oooo way, but in a hey, i saw this episode of Law and Order yesterday - twice - way.

Hee...thank heaven for Namor. Kickin' ass.

Thank god aliens are so patient and gullible with that "but the Earthlings have so much promise, they must be allowed to grow, they have great potential"... line... what if that's a sham? What if this pathetic mess we are is as good as we get? Well, the joke's on you, alien species who rolled the dice on us! Don't you have egg on your face.

Well, at least Reed's making an effort. Today.

Tony. Oy, Empty glass and a bucket full of issues.

Poor Doc. I know Clea had to go, but I wish she'd come back. *sniff* Allergies.

And... Scene.

Set-up, complete.

Well, that's it for the prelims. On to Civil War or the Road to it anyway. I'm filled with nervous anticipation. I know it's going to be painful, but I have to do it!

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

'CROSS THE RAINBOW BRIDGE...



I say thee, nay, Doug Henning!
Base villain, stand and face the might of Thor!

EARTH'S TRUE SORCERER SUPREME



I'M "IN EXTREMIS"...

Give me that cake or I'll rip your arm off. Seriously. I'm retaining the Monongahela here, my shoes don't fit anymore. I need new shoes. God these are ugly shoes. Are you going to put that away or are you waiting for the goddamn maid cause I don't have anything better to do than pick up after you. Call your mother, cause I ain't doin' it. I've got my own shit to deal with, ok? I've got stuff. I mean, I'm really trying here and you don't love me, do you? Why would you? No, I'm not crying. Shut up. God, I want a pretzel. Not those crappy Gluton-free ones you buy, I want a real pretzel. A soft pretzel with giant hunks of salt.. salt so big Peter Dinklage could live inside one. God, my back is killing me. If you think you're touching my breasts tonight, you're nuts. Not that you'd even want to. God, I'm a cow. Don't look at me. Are you going to finish that cake or what?

Monday, February 23, 2009

HULK ALSO REALLY WANT TO SMASH


FREECREDITREPORT.COM GUY. HULK IS NOT SURE WHY, BUT HULK THINKS IT MIGHT BE SMUG WHITEBOY FACE AND SENSE OF ENTITLEMENT. HULK ALSO HATES STUPID SONGS, AND HULK KNOWS THAT EVEN THOUGH FREECREDITREPORT.COM GUY SING ABOUT NOT HAVING GOOD CREDIT, HE CAN EASILY GET JOB AT FATHER'S FIRM.

HULK WATCH OSCARS!!!!!!!!!!!!


GRAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! HULK COULD NOT GET INTO OSCARS THIS YEAR BECAUSE OF MIX-UP AT GERSH AGENCY. ALSO PUNY HUMANS AFRAID HULK WOULD SMASH KODAK THEATRE. PUNY HUMANS MAY HAVE BEEN RIGHT. IF YOU HAVE EVER SEEN TRAFFIC NEAR KODAK THEATRE, EVEN ON WEEKEND, YOU WOULD WANT TO SMASH, TOO.

SO HULK WATCH OSCARS ON TV. HULK LIVE-BLOGGING:

RED CARPET -

HULK NOT KNOW WHO MILEY CYRUS IS, BUT IN DRESS SHE LOOK LIKE WAITRESS AT KNOTT’S BERRY FARM.

HULK WANT TO SMASH RYAN SEACREST. BUT HULK KNOW HIS TEETH WOULD REASSEMBLE AND COME BACK TO HAUNT HULK.

ANGELINA LOOK PRETTY. HULK FEEL FUNNY AND WARM.

HULK HAS NOT SEEN “HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL” BECAUSE HULK SMASHES HIGH SCHOOLS AND MUSICALS. BUT HULK THINKS THAT ZACK EFFRON LOOKS LIKE DAVID CASSIDY SLEPT WITH DAVID CASSIDY AND HAD A BABY. HULK KNOWS THIS IMPOSSIBLE BUT LOOK AT HIM AND TELL HULK THAT HULK IS WRONG.

THE SHOW -

WOLVERINE INCREDIBLY GAY. HULK ALWAYS SUSPECTED BUT NOW HULK REALLY KNOW. HULK HAS NO PROBLEM WITH IT, HULK IS JUST SAYING. LAST TIME HULK SAW SO MANY DANCERS WEARING TIGHT GOLD PANTS, HULK WAS FIGHTING THE LEADER IS TIMES SQUARE, AND PUNCHED LEADER’S ROBOT INTO THEATRE WHERE “STARLIGHT EXPRESS” WAS SHOWING.

HULK THINKS ANN HATHAWAY CUTE AS BUTTON. GIRL CAN SING! HULK LIKE SINGING BUTTON-GIRL.

HULK HAPPY FOR PENELOPE CRUZ. PENELOPE CRUZ PRETTY. HULK STILL LIKE ANGELINA, TOO. ANGELINA HAD BETTER WIN OR HULK SMASH KODAK THEATRE.

WHY THEATRE NAMED AFTER INSTAMATIC CAMERA? HULK THINK IT MAY BE CORPORATE SYNERGY.

HULK HAPPY FOR HEATH LEDGER. HULK ALSO HAPPY THAT NOW HULK CAN STOP HEARING ABOUT HEATH LEDGER FOR AWHILE. IF ARMY REALLY WANT TO CAPTURE HULK, ARMY SHOULD JUST SIT HULK DOWN AND TALK ABOUT HOW GREAT LEDGER IS. HULK WOULD BE ALL, “HULK KNOWS, ALREADY”, AND WOULD ROLL HULK’S EYES AND NOD OFF. THEN ARMY COULD PUT HULK IN ELECTRIC CAGE.

HULK DOES NOT CARE ABOUT TECHNICAL AWARDS. HULK LIKE JESSICA BEIL BUT HULK SAY THAT SHE SHOULD FIRE AGENT, BECAUSE HER DRESS LOOK LIKE OLD TABLECLOTH FROM CHASEN’S.

HULK STARING AT STAGE AND SCRATCHING HULK’S HEAD. WHY DOES STAGE LOOK LIKE COSTCO WAREHOUSE? REMINDER TO HULK FROM HULK: BUY BULK BACON, CHEAP ELECTRONICS AND TOILET PAPER.

HULK CONFUSED BY BOLLYWOOD MUSICAL NUMBER. HULK KNOW THAT INDIA HUGE FORCE IN FILMAKING, BUT HULK WANT TO SEE ANGELINA WIN RIGHT NOW.

BOLLYWOOD NUMBER STILL GOING ON. HULK IS GOING TO FRIDGE FOR ICE CREAM SANDWICH. HULK MAD BECAUSE ONLY VANILLA LEFT. HULK WANTED VANILLA, CHOCOLATE AND STRAWBERRY FILLING IN THREE EQUAL BLOCKS. HULK SMASH FRIDGE AND SOON HULK WILL SMASH CARNATION COMPANY FOR NOT MAKING ENOUGH ICE CREAM SANDWICHES THAT HULK LIKES.

HULK BACK. BOLLYWOOD NUMBER STILL GOING ON. IF NOT OVER SOON, HULK WILL SMASH INDIA.

GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! ANGELINA NOT WIN!!!!!!!!!!
HULK ANGRY, ESPECIALLY AT MARKETING PEOPLE ON “CHANGELING”. THIS SHOULD HAVE BEEN ANGELINA’S YEAR. ANGELINA ALWAYS MAKE SURE TO BALANCE SEXY-ACTION-GIRL PARTS WITH WOMEN-WHO-CHANGE-WORLD-WITH-POLITICS AND WOMEN-WHO-FIGHT-SYSTEM-FOR-THE-CHILDREN PARTS. HULK WILL SMASH PUNY MARKETING PEOPLE. BUT HULK WILL NOT SMASH KATE WINSLET, BECAUSE HER SPEECH GOOD AND GENUINE. ALSO HULK IS BIG SAM MENDES FAN. HULK WANT TO PITCH MENDES ON MUSICAL ABOUT HULK AND ANGELINA, WHERE ANGELINA FIGHT SYSTEM FOR THE CHILDREN, AND HULK PLAY LOVE INTEREST WITH SONG IN HEART.

HULK HAVE THEORY THAT SEAN PENN AND MERYL STREEP ARE SAME PERSON, AND TAKE TURNS WINNING OSCAR. HULK CALLS THIS BEING “PENNSTREEP”. PENSTREEP HAVE LIKE 46 OSCARS NOW. HULK THINKS PENNSTREEP SHOULD GIVE ONE TO BRAD PITT FOR “BENJAMIN BUTTON”, AND GIVE FOUR TO ANGELINA BECAUSE ANGELINA PRETTY AND MAKE HULK FEEL FUNNY AND WARM.

HULK CHANGING CHANNEL BECAUSE HULK ALREADY KNOW “SLUMDOG” BEST PICTURE. HULK JUST POPPED “CHANGELING” BLURAY INTO PUNY MACHINE SO HULK CAN WATCH ANGELINA FIGHT SYSTEM FOR HER SON. SO HULK SAY KEEP DREAMS ALIVE AND KEEP REACHING FOR STARS. HULK OUT!

NEW AVENGERS ILLUMINATI #3: PUT ON YOUR MEMBERS ONLY JACKET!



[A stream of consciousness live-blog]


Ish 3...

OOoo, they've given Charles the Raccoon-Eyes of Evil Intent. Or maybe he's just tuckered. Why is it that evil always has shadowed/dark rimmed eyes? Are their evil ways keeping them up at night? Vitamin B deficiency? Reed should study that.

Ok, I'm guessing I'm supposed to know who this Beyonder is. The only thing he seems beyond right now is fashion sense.

"He constructed a place called Battleworld and populated it with 37 men and women from the planet earth. Then told us to fight to the death." - See it, Monday nights at eleven on SpikeTV - television for men.

Ooooo, big cool two-panel with oodles and kaboodles of supers. Hmmmm, Hawkeye and Thor. I wonder when this was.

Why do people in wheelchairs get blankets and the rest of us don't?

An inhuman mutant...like Sammy Davis, Jr.

Poor BlackBolt. He needs another hug. I'm here for you and your sensual, pouty mouth, BB! No tongue, though. That would shatter a mountain.

Again, with the quickly and quietly.

Doc's looking very serious and slightly ominous.

Oh, snap. You tell him, Namor. He's keeping something from them.

Hee. He will bow down..love you, Namor.

Ok, hold the phone. We don't know where Tony is and we hope he's ok? A little cavalier (and no Clay) there isn't it?

Love how Namor peels the baloney off the bread and accusing them of profiting off the Skrull ship!

Cool. Manhattan in the middle of an asteroid belt. It's probably easier to drive into than the real one.

There are no people here. They have no minds. They are just empty vessels. - Yup, Manhattan all right. Don't hate the playa, hate the game. Left Coast!

Coolsies, blaxsploitation Luke and old school Spidey with new school webbing? Is that a no prize?

The Beyonder is...........Denny Terrio? I wonder if he'll sue Merv Griffin later in this ish.

By the Boogers of Bendis! Looks like he's going to pick Doc's nose!

Wow, he did bow down. Boltagon? Okay, that's lame. Even Blackie McBoltington would be better.

Oooo. HULK SMASH his way into my heart.

Doc's having a hard time with this. That'd be a great way to kill him, not that I support that in any way, but to tamper with the natural order. It makes him ooky.

Ok, it's unnatural cause the Mists got their, uhm, mists in a twist and created him? That's bogus. He's as natural as corn syrup. Didn't you hear? It's just made from corn!

But seriously. He's getting the fuzzy end of the lollipop here. He created a fantasy world with fake people and plays with them. If that's wrong, I don't want to be right! Is this some self-reflexive loathing on Marvel's part? Where would they be without Beyonders, I mean fans?

We can interfere with our own species. I'm going to remember that!

Holy crap! Doc's in bed with Clea and...Wanda? Is that Wanda? THAT'S his greatest fantasy? I'm so depressed.

Seriously. I threw up a little in my mouth.

Great panel looking back down into the skylight of his village house.

And Reed dreams of Iron Man with boobies?

Wtf?

Namor's people invading the surface world, that I can live with.. that makes sense... but the others.. I can't go on...

Finally. Good for you BB!

Doc is having a total spaz. Did he turn him to stone? Yikes. I second your "Uhm", Reed, and add a "The Hell?" Did he do it to himself?

He was fragile...infantile. "And quite a %^$# idiot. " - Teehee!

Ok, so, I don't know what to make of any of that. All I know is I'm still barfy and need a drink. Oh, Doc. I thought I knew ya! I will have to purge all memory of this or find some fantastic rationalization. It just doesn't compute. I know he's a man, but his greatest desire is a threesome? I expect that from Amy Winehouse, but not from Doctor Strange.

I guess not having read about the Beyonder before leaves me a disadvantage here, but this ish left me with a strong "what the frak was that?" feeling. Characters out of whack and the story.. I don't get it.

Oh, well. They can't all be home runs. Unless you're juiced. Right, A-Rod?

S'all for tonight. I'm going to pretend none of that happened and weep softly.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

THE LOVE THEME FROM...

SECRET WAR
Once I had a secret war
That lived within the heart of Latvaria
All too soon my secret war
Fell apart and came back on me

So I told Captain America
The way that soldiers often do
Just how fucked up it all was
And why I'm hiding from the man and from you

Now I shout it from the highest hills (but I won't cause it's level 10)
Even told the costumed freaks
At last my ass is out the door
And my secret war's no secret anymore