Wednesday, February 25, 2009


by Bobby Jindal

Enter, smiling. Actually, big smile first, then enter, smiling same big smile. Make them like you.

Good evening, my fellow Americans. I am honored to be given the opportunity to respond, on behalf of my party and God himself, to President Obama’s heinous, demonic, anti-American attempt to help as many people as possible.

Mr. President. America does not need your help. Or anyone’s. America is AWESOME. I say this from deeply-felt personal experience, because like all of you, I am an American, and trust me, it’s frikkin’ AWESOME. There’s an In N’ Out Burger just about everywhere. There are Christian churches on every corner, even ones that stray from the true faith and are destined to be consumed by the flames of The Great Dragon on The Day Of Eternal Torment And Punishment that is sure to come, probably sometime in 2012, to anyone who has a different religion than the Jesus one, and also to criminals and especially to tax-and-spend policies of the past. I know it seems strange for an actual policy to be consumed in flames, but trust me, it’s going to be ugly, and I will be safe in my underground bunker, the same place where I waited out Katrina, and caught up on the entire sixth season of “The Sopranos”. Man, that show is awesome. But not as awesome as AMERICA! America is AWESOMEST. Try being more awesome than awesomest, Sopranos! It can’t be done. But if it could be done, only an awesome American could do it, on account of his or her awesomeness.

But here, my fellow citizens, is what CAN be done: nothing. Absolutely nothing. Government is not the solution to our grave crisis. YOU are the solution. You, the awesomest American people. Now, I don’t like to get bogged down in particulars, like HOW you are the solution, or what that even means. That’s for the pundits and the fancy historians to determine years after YOU, the awesomest American people, have used your awesomest-ness to revitalize our economy. So may I say to you in advance, THANK YOU, American People, for being the solution to our grave crisis. You rock. You are awesome, and I am physically attracted to each and every one of you. If I were not happily married and deeply in love with my spouse, I would totally get one of my assistants to arrange a hook-up with you. It would be discreet, and I would accept full responsibility for my actions, were they ever revealed to the media.

Smile bigger here. Sell it.

From the bottom of my heart, but also from the both sides of it and the gooey, bloody, pulpy insides as well, I say good night, and God Bless Louisiana, and America, too, because America is......

Pause for twenty-six seconds, then:


Smile again, exit, humble but confident, strong yet soft, triumphant yet determined. Note: pee before, not after, speech.

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