1974 WAS AWESOME

In 1974, when I was nine, my Mom bought me some frikkin' AAAAAAWESOME Marvel stickers. Spidey. Cap. Thor. The Falcon - pre-wings!

My mom, bless her heart, assumed I would stick them on my schoolbooks or the chest that held my comics. I promptly stuck them all over a kitchen cabinet, much to her dismay. Italian families don't believe in decals. I believe the Pope decreed them to be unclean and a gateway to homosexuality and the drugs.

Anyhoo, thirty-five years later, that cabinet is still in my childhood home, in the basement, where old furniture and paint cans go to die. I took some pictures because after all this time, the stickers have not aged a day. I think it has something to do with John Romita's artwork. That man channelled the gods. Those drawings still radiate life and energy. If I was an old kitchen cabinet, I would be honored to have these stuck all over me.

"IN SEARCH OF" HOSTED BY A PICTURE OF LEONARD NIMOY

Tonight we explore the mystery of Oreo Cakesters.

They are not cake. They are not cookie. More like co-akie, whatever that might actually be.

Oreo Cakesters can be traced back to ancient Babylon. Unearthed friezes and statues tell the fragmented tale of Orayo, hermaphrodite bastard son/daughter of Queen Semiramis, who reigned over his own hidden shadow kingdom in an effort to avenge himself upon his mother for his bi-sexed physical makeup. Condemned to a life of being neither fish nor fowl, Orayo's shadow court of alchemists and sorcerers dedicated their black arts to combining dark chemicals and foodstuffs until they were unrecognizable as food of any kind. Such combinations would confound the masses to the point where their search for answers would lead them to insanity, a life of quiet desperation, or directly to the ancient black arts responsible, thus increasing recruitment and providing the master sorcerers with the psychic energy needed to continue their enchantments.

Join us next week when we explore why hot women always fall for assholes.

NEW AVENGERS #24: MELAMINE, NOW AVAILABLE IN COMICS

[A stream of consciousness live-blog]

Sidd "Sentry" Hartha

Zen and the Art of Retcon

Even though it's an audacious marketing ploy, I love the idea of the Sentry.

It really bugs me that the Inhumans are so darn uppity.

Why are T'Challa and Storm the ONLY ONES trying to put an end to it all? Makes me nutty. Don't even get me started about Doc. Again.

Maybe this issue will explain it to me. And maybe AIG will give back all that money.

Did Bob eat some peyote? Did I eat some peyote?

Maybe it's the mists? Maybe it's that Arby's Beef & Cheddar I left in my car all afternoon then ate anyway.

Maybe the Inhumans are just dillweeds.

Impurities? Ugh. Now they sound like Nazis. I don't understand it. I've really liked Blackbolt in the bits I've read. I know Crystal was ok, even though she blew off Johnny for Pietro. But, really, I don't know anything about them. And what I'm seeing here. Not liking. Not heroic. Not Scandinavian. Just icky.

Bob is polite. See, now, Bob, I like.

Ok, we get another recap. *sigh*

The art is lovely, but... let's pick up the pace here, people.

Oh, Crystal gets around. She's not Black Widow, but...

Isn't Bob married?

Ah-ha! Lindy! See.

Ugh. Iron Man. I used to be so excited to see him. Almost the same thrill as Cap. And now, my stomach just sinks. I know I'm going to get a fistful of rationalization and ego-cententric moralizing. I'm sure it's different when you have to wait weeks between issues. When you read them so quickly, like I'm doing, damn it's the same notes over and over like a Miley Cyrus song.

Ohhhh, killing Cap. I admit that I know Cap dies. Don't know any details, but the fact that he is no mas is kinda hard to miss. I'm absolutely dreading getting to that. I can't quite believe it and part of me hopes I'm just wrong and that it's all an elaborate hoax to fool lil ol me.

The reflection of Bob in IM's armor is creeeeeepy.

His righteousness is sooooo tiresome. I would consider myself an Iron Man fan. Granted, I've only read a small percentage of the issues, but they're just killing this character for me. I've lost all traces of the hero I adored. Where is the man? He's just some rhetoric spewing automaton now. Maybe he's a clone gone wrong like Thor or a skrull or part of my regretful trip to Arbys.

I know. I'm so impatient. And, I guess they can have fun redeeming Tony at some point, but the waiting will kill me. It's not that I want him to be perfect. I want them all to be flawed, it's far more interesting, but this is beyond flawed, it's a different, to me, character completely. I barely recognize him. If here weren't in the armor, I wouldn't. I hope they have a few humanizing issues with him. He's got to be sooooo tormented, but they're not showing me. Dagnabbit, show me!

Hmmm, maybe the Inhuman uppitiness will be useful here.

Or not.

I hope Bob goes back to earth and kicks Tony in the repulsor ray and heads off to fight with Cap.

That was a gyp. Truly, that was a scene from a book not a whole book. That's two "filler" issues in a row. I blame China.

I hope they get back to making hay again soon.

THE DVD BOX FOR "THE PUNISHER: WAR ZONE" REVIEWS "THE PUNISHER: WAR ZONE"

Christ on a cracker, get this unholy thing out of me!!!

How many "Punisher" movies must DVD boxes endure? Didn't we just do this dance in like 2004 with Thomas Jane and John Travolta literally chewing the scenery? Didn't they also try to polish this turd in 1987 with Dolph Lundgren, the Teutonic Easter Island Statue from "Rocky IV"? "I must break you", indeed!

If you are going to stick a DVD inside me, buy me dinner first, and then talk a little dirty. I'll close my eyes and pretend it's chocolate.

COLORFORMS

Hi! Remember Colorforms? Neither do I!

Yet they existed. A long time ago, before the wheel, BluRay and hydrogen, Colorforms were plastic, highly-toxic and highly-fun little flat figures of popular comic-book and TV characters. This is the Vulture, of Spider-Man fame. He is orange. In the comics he is green. I never said Colorforms were accurate. And orange dye is a lot cheaper.

What you'd do is, you'd stick the Colorforms onto a colorful street scene or some such provided background. You'd create a scenario where the Vulture was flying over Spidey, or robbing a bank, or having sex with Spidey and the Generic Cop Colorform. The possibilities were endless, but really not, because there are only so many sexual positions or classic battles you can create with Colorforms before you realize that it's much more fun to watch "The San Pedro Beach Bums" on TV or eat a lot of Pixie Sticks and try to punch your big brother in the throat.

Still, Colorforms were more fun than Gnip Gnop and Operation. And because they are made of space-age polymer, Colorforms will survive into Earth's coming Golden Age, when we are ruled by benevolent wizards who live under soybean plantations.

NEW AVENGERS #23: SPIDER-WOMAN AND HER GINORMOUS INNIE

[A stream of consciousness live-blog]

I'm waifish and work part-time at Hooters.

I know when I'm feeling vulnerable and confused. I find a crappy hotel room strip down to my skivvies and see what I can catch from the sticky sheets. Capital I... Ick.

I hate that there are two Jessicas in the current storyline. I'm easily confused and bright colors mollify me.

Hee.. Fury looks like a refugee from an old Doctor Who in those first two panels. Jelly baby?

He's being pretty casual for Covert Ops brain wipe master. Just knocks on her door? Has he ever just knocked on someone's door?

Figures. It's a fakey. AI, clone, Jonas Brother... God, they are annoying. If I were a Marvel God I would put a five year moratorium on using any of them.

Even through someone else's lips Maria Hill is a beotch.

It is only fair that they should have a scene where Cap fights in just his tighty-whities.

Again, let me re-establish my utter contempt for Miss Hill.

Iron Man's codpiece is looking, well, more like a banana sling than armor. And if you know what I'm referring to, you've been to San Tropez too many times.

Flippin' Tony. Has he really lost his heart? I liked Tony. Granted I haven't read several decades of stuff, and he was always arrogant in the extreme, but this... he's not human.

Who's attacking?

FSHOO? BUDDABUDDABUDDA? I know the sound effects are tough, but... budda budda?

Are these Hydra peeps?

I guess so.

Hee. Love the panel with the muscle dude in nike dolphin shorts. God, I wore those for years for volleyball. Where's my Le Sport Sac?

Stupid SHIELD.

Where is she? Who's he? Why do I care?

Zzzzzzz.

Finally. Enough with the jibber-jabber. I love good dialog, but that wasn't it. Sheesh. Was only two pages, but...

I guess she doesn't mind the whole killing thing. No code there.

Yay, Cap and people I know and give a crap about! It's so good to see you.

But, she just saunters in? Note to resistance: you should at least lock the door.

Ugh, now she's crying and going all Officer and a Gentlemen. Cap's a doodle so he'll take her in, but pfft is all I have to say.

Happily moving on to next ish...

NOT FOR NOTHING AM I CALLED DOCTOR STRANGE

I don't know how to upload just an audio clip, so you get the boring still for most of it, not sure what happened to it at the end there. Anyway, let your imagination take you the rest of the way.

This is just the Doc stuff in Act 3. Love it.

HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY FROM

Shamrock, the Irish Marvel Superheroine.

Seriously.

Shamrock is Molly Fitzgerald, who has - seriously - the power to alter probability within a twenty-foot radius, giving her the - seriously - luck of the Irish, and giving her opponents - seriously - bad luck.

She has never fought the Lucky Charms leprechaun, but I smell crossover synergy and big bucks.

She most likely went to Catholic School and got the living cra-zap beaten into and out of her by hairy, mole-y nuns.

OOO CHI CHI CHOOO CHI CHI POTATOES AND DEPRESSED POETS AND CLOVERS AND VIOLENCE!!!!

CIVIL WAR #4: EAU DE CLONE

[A stream of consciousness live-blog]

Thor!

Is the Falcon blind in one eye? When did that happen?

Gordon Bennett! Thor would never say that! He'd kick their butts if he had no other choice, but he'd do it with deep regret and talk about it the whole time.

I have no idea who you are Dagger, but I feel you. Time for an exit stage right.

Wretches? Yikes. This is unnerving.

Oh, Cap looks awful. Tony, stop this madness!

Go Herc! Throw that big... thing at him!

Non-human attack registered. - So, so, icky.

Wow. Did Thor just blow a hole, like a real hole through Goliath? Dear God. What the hoodahey is going on??? Stephen, hold me.

YAY SUE! Finally woman! Now, you need to kick your husband's stretchy ass.

Oh no, he di'nt. It's a freakin' robot? And Richard Wagner? Like Vahgner Wagner? Elitist snobby... poopypants! Oh, he makes me so mad. Not as smart as you thought you were, huh, stretcho?

Dang.

Get out now, Spidey! Swing away! Swing away!

Even Uatu thinks you should.

Figures Pym had a hand in this.

Ok, so he's a clone (should have known that I guess) and not a robot. The whole clone thing makes me nutty. It's a pandora's box that I just can't stomach. It's just an endless masssive "yoink". Pfft.

Okay, forcing acceptance and moving on.

Great panel and expression on crazy Hank's face. You know he's been hoarding DNA too.

Peter, wake up and smell the coffee. Hank is one of the main perpetrators of this disaster. He didn't choose a side, he helped create one.

Lordy, Cap's a mess.

Nighthawk! Come on, dude. You are so not the Kyle I remember.

I can't believe they aren't more galvanized to fight the power. Sissies!

He's just another old man afraid of the future. - Is he talkin' about Cap? Cause if he is, I'm gonna have Trish Starr punch him in the face with her one good arm.

Christ on a tricycle, who is that ski-masked man with the crazy eyes? It's giving me Zemo shivers.

This is making my blood boil! I need Doctor Strange and a cup of tea.

YAY SUE 2! You go, girl! He is a fascist.

Great panel with his postcoital stretchiness. And Thing watching her go. *sniff*

Uh-oh, a Fifty State Initiative. Another grand plan. I don't know much about the Thunderbolts, but trusting Zemo? Nevah! Glueface or no Glueface, he was a Nazi. People...

Seriously, how far gone are these people? They just killed one of their own and now they're sending out bad guys to get Cap et al? And they somehow think that's a good idea? I don't buy this. I want to. I know part of me has to, but deep down, I just don't believe it. Tony is an ass, and he's got an ego the size of Michigan, but this...? I don't believe he would do it. La-la-la-la, I won't believe it.

But, he's doing it.

Harrumph.

WONDER WOMAN REVIEWS "WONDER WOMAN" ANIMATED FEATURE

I know you're looking at my rack. That's cool. I get that a lot. Don't pretend. I embrace all that you are.

Loved the "Wonder Woman" animated feature. Rent it, it rocks. Now - back to my rack. Look at those glowing orbs of promise! Totally, one-hundred-percent real boobage, by the way. No fakey surgery. This is ALL me. I'm not called "Average Pear-Shaped Woman". They're hypnotic, aren't they?

Everyone should have a pair of these, even men. Trust me, war would be a thing of the ancient past. Everybody would just be smiling like an idiot, 24-7. I know I do, when I don't have to look all serious for pictures. I'm telling you, the second a photo session is done, I am smiling and giggling like a chimp. 'Cause I gots THESE.

Everyone loves'em. Young and old. All kinds and creeds. My incredible, magical, eeeeyoogah-tastic breasteses truly unite man's world. And woman's, too! I get hit on by a LOT of chicks. It's pretty awesome.

Stare as long as you want. I won't budge, promise.

- WW

WONDER WOMAN & THE GIRLS

Do you think we'll get a close-up of Green Lantern adjusting his man-parts in the next animated feature?

Life isn't fair.

CIVIL WAR #3: DO YOU HEAR THE PEOPLE SING

[A stream of consciousness live-blog]

Ok, back into the fray proper. I read, tried, to read most of the off-shoots, but many just confoozled me and trying to figure out the proper reading order is nigh on impossible.

So, when last we left, Peter had revealed is true, and cute self.

God, Reed Richards is an ass. It needs to be said. Hasn't checked on Johnny, doesn't call his wife. Pfft. Ya see? T'Challa is wise.

Finally, Doc's place! Aw, crap. He's gone. To his Artic Lodge... Artic Lodge? The hell? I guess maybe if it's all Shangri-La in the Himmies, but if we're talkin' actual Arctic, we need to talk. And fasting? Hay-ell with the no. I might cut down on carbs for a week, but fasting? Stephen, honey, we need to talk.

I wish I were above it all, like him. But, I'm not. I'm petty and vindictive and would want to man the barricades and sing songs from Les Miz.

Truthfully, I'm so bummed that he's sitting this one out. I guess it makes sense from a how do we handle someone with so much power standpoint and kinda from a "it's spiritually repulsive" standpoint, but I also have trouble accepting that he's not trying to stop it, that he's not trying to be a peacemaker. The Doc in my head would have tried diplomacy to create some sort of tentative peace while they figure out who's behind all this and what's really going on here. I mean, that's one of his bestest skills - getting people who otherwise wouldn't to work well together. This is the man who got Namor and the Hulk to play nice (mostly). He's the Dag Hammarskjöld of the Marvel Universe. Dag Hammarskjöld, ladies and gentlemen!

Well, poop. It could be so cool, but noooooo... He's just "gone". Crud.

Tony's still a dog.

This is the first time I've seen Emma with an almost actual shirt on, well, something that covers her breastseses anyway.

Again with the continuity... in Iron Man, Happy just... man.

Who the heck is M in Eye?

You know, the Les Miz thing.. Tony really has gone all Javert. It's creepy.

Hee... Cap is Paul Blart, Mall Cop. DD looks so youthful. And Herc! Did you know that when I was a little kid we had a handy man named Hercules who was this huge Greek stud who, I later found out, was also a porn star. True story.

Aww...Make-A-Wish kid? Could Cap be more of the fantastic? Seriously, could he? No. He could not.

Poor Johnny. He looks like crap.

Damn that Stark!

Let SHIELD do it, that way I know they'll get away.

Cap you sneaky devil!

Who is the glowworm guy?

Oh my... the buck teeth on Cap in the "You shouldn't have taken down two of my boys, Tony." panel is priceless. Steve Rogers is... the Nutty Professor. Yah-hoi.

I can't believe Spider-Man just rabbit punched Cap and quipped while doing it! I feel barfy.

Holy Crapcicles. Tony's beatin' the bejesus out of Cap. And there's a flying tooth. I'm sorry I asked about it earlier.

Go Herc!

Ok, who or what is codename "Lightning"? They keep name dropping so you know it's important.

Odin's Beard!

Well, that answers that. Oh, that's bad news for the resistance, folks.

I'm afraid to read ish 4, but I will because I love.

S'all for nowsies.