NEW AVENGERS ILLUMINATI #2: NO GLOVE, NO LOVE

[A stream of consciousness live-blog]

Part 2...

The Infinity Gem, this Valentine's Day from Kay jewelers. Don't give her a diamond....give her Infinity. Or, better yet, cash.

Why is Doc always sending his astral projection to these meetings? The traffic in the village is murder, I'll just astrally project and be home in time for ER.

She-Hulk took it from Titania...Hee...TITania.

Why is Tony squicked by She-Hulk having many bad guys and is "bad guys" a euphemism?

Ooo, Namor no likey.

Ok, Infinity Gauntlet. Shame on me, but haven't read. I'm guessing the Gauntlet is that Mandarin meet Michael Jackson abomination on the cover.

I propose we quickly and quietly find all six of the infinity gems. - Hee! Let's see, quickly and quietly - these guys? I suppose they could get Nick Fury to mindwipe everyone...Sorry, I'm still bitter.

Wow, apparently Reed can do things quickly and quietly. Just ask Sue! Ba-dum-cha! That joke, in honor of Sue, was invisible.

I'm worried. Has Reed been spending too much time in the Negative Zone?

It's funny, I've had this feeling something annoying was lodged in the collective unconsciousness. I thought it was Nancy Grace.

I'm tellin' ya, I think Stretcho's gone a bit around the bend.

The Xavier Academy for Gifted Youngsters - "Gifted Youngsters" always makes me snicker. Sooooo pretentious.

Doctor Strange is my anchor too! Love you, Stephen!

Pissy Namor. I love when he's all petulant, which, let's face it, is pretty much all the time. Maybe it's because he's mostly in a Speedo.

The collective unconscious is blank? Maybe TV is bad for you.

Ok, the Gem is the collective unconscious. I get it. Cool, that's --. I don't get it.

Is that sweat dripping from Reed's brow? What isn't he telling them? Secrets, secrets are no fun. Secrets, secrets, hurt someone!

I always feel sorry for Black Bolt. He should carry around a little pad to write notes on. That would ruin the fine line of his form-fitting black suit, but... Really. Not being able to talk or scream or laugh. He needs an Earth-shattering hug.

They're doing it! But what are they doing? Harnessing the shockwave and power of BB's scream to warp time?

Hehehe. I do so adore the Ever Lovin' Thing. He would be an hysterical addition to this serious brainy mix.

Ripping reality - not recommended.

That horrifying toothy monster - now, that's the collective unconscious!

Yikes, it's disenchancelling Tony's arm!

Ooooo, I love the panel with Doc screaming Noooo! There's something about it that takes me back. And he has excellent teeth.

Get the Gauntlet!

Gah! That was creepy. Come on Illuminati. Wake up.

Uatu! Bringing the smack down! He totally reminds me of those peeps from that Star Trek episode the Empath where Kirk, Spock and McCoy are held captive on Panet Stage Ten and these big-headed aliens are running an experiment with this waifish chick who can take away their pain and injuries. And everyone is all "No, spare my friends. Take me. Hurt me, not them!" And she risks her phoney-baloney life to save McCoy (I think) and yay, she's an empath and wears gauze! And, btw, what was that girl's name?... GEM. Coincidence? Totally. I shudder to think at the endless hurt/comfort stories written in basements around the globe after that episode aired. Hold me, Spock.

"I have broken the code of my existence countless times for you." - Hee. Maybe the code blows? Or he's not Watcher material. Maybe he's just a Peeker or a Glancer. Just kidding. Love you, Uatu.

Hmmm.. six gems.. six Illuminati. Either that or they give it Menudo.

Okay, okay... Menudo only had five members, but they could always give the What Happened to My Career Gem to Ricky Martin.

Ok, I trust Doc and Black Bolt to protect and not use their gems, but the others... not that they'd do bad things on purpose, but they all have enough ego to believe they could wield the power for good and it "had to be done and they were the only ones to do it." Men. I can see each of them justifying the use. I think Namor's already thinking about it.

*pretentious ghostly voice* No good will come of this!

Reed looks suitable chastened, but good god man, what were you thinking? Have you not read any of the previous issues?

Just for that Namor should get to sleep with Sue. Again.

And that look.. damn, that's a creepy I'm gonna use my gem before I even get to my car look if I ever saw one. Charles never looked sexier.

S'all for now!

BUFFY SAW DOLLHOUSE 1.2 TONIGHT AND THIS WAS HER FACE THE WHOLE TIME

THE SILVER SURFER JUST SAW "MEDEA GOES TO JAIL" AND THIS WAS HIS REACTION ALL THE WAY THRU

CHARMING 2+2 CONDO/CO-OP SAVAGE LAND ADJ

This bank-owned cozy corner unit 2+2 condo is located in the desirable Zarhan region of Pangea, just minutes from shops, restaurants and the Savage Land. Upgraded appliances incl. sub-zero, wood fpl self-cleaning weapons storage. Gourmet kitchen with granite countertops and state of the art spit. Master has great jungle view & partially obstructed swamp. Plenty of storage in gated common garage. HOA incl Invasion Ins. Needs TLC. Short sale! Open Sunday 2-4.

THE WATCHER INTERFERES ONCE MORE IN HUMAN AFFAIRS

I, The Watcher, once more step onto the stage of human affairs and violate the very core of my existence and mission. It is that important.

I hereby choose Angelina Jolie over Jennifer Aniston, any day, boy howdy. Jennifer has an appealing "everygirl" look but, come on, Angelina is, you know, ANGELINA.

Thus speaks the Watcher.

IMPOSSIBLE MAN'S DVD REVIEW

I’m The Impossible Man, and I can do anything. But I could never make a movie as shitty as “Mama Mia” was.

I’m telling you, I can do ANYTHING. I’m the Impossible Man. I can grow to giant-size, change my hands into Thor-hammers, I can snap my fingers and POP! I have pterodactyl wings. I have no limits.

But I must, because although I can do anything, I could not, even if I tried, even if I used 110 percent of my powers, I could not make a movie as grating and irritatingly cheerful as Mama Fucking Mia.

God it made me want to rip off my own head at the neck and throw my head at the screen. And I didn’t even really watch, not really. I just put in the DVD and pressed “fast forward”, which is the way I always watch movies that everyone loved when they come out on DVD because I could give a shit, and never once did I slow it down. It was that fucking irritating. And oh, here’s the story, fast forward version: there’s this hot teen girl and she thinks she has three handsome and charming fathers because she doesn’t know who her real dad is and her mom is a hippie and a call girl from the looks of it and there’s a wedding and oh, this guy is my real dad but it doesn’t really matter anyway because I love all three of you like One Big Perfect UberDad. I hear the soundtrack is okay but I hate music.

“Mama Mia” is also available on BluRay Disc. Not a clue as to what that is, but I fear it’s an even clearer, more high-quality way to watch this shitty-ass movie.

NEW AVENGERS ILLUMINATI #1: MOOOOM, THE SKRULLS ARE TOUCHING ME!

[A stream of consciousness live-blog]

Ya know, it's the desert planets you have to look out for. They're always invading. The lush green planets with foliage, they hang out and peel fruit. But the dry places, they'll stab as soon as look at you. If the Middle East were still a verdant plain, none of this mishegaas would be happening today.

Sew those Secret Invasion seeds of corporate synergy!

Uninvited, they just drop by, I didn't have time to tidy up!

I guess Doc transported them or was it Reed? Think of the redeemable miles!

But seriously, wow. What an abrupt and to the f'ing point arrival. Hi, how are ya, don't even think about it...I wish my family was like this on holidays.

Gosh, Reed getting angry. He's always so calm.

Ok, this is not going well.

Uh-oh, great panel with Black Bolt about to speak.

Holy shitski. One word and KABLAMO! The whole place is Detroited.

Run away! Run away!

Nothing like a good Quinjet for a quick escape.

That was like some serious adult Ding-Dong Ditch.

Ah, Namor, so gracious in victory.

Wow. They's blowed out of the sky. Ruh-roh.

Ooooo.. stretching Reed to his limits. That sounds (and looks) painful.

Namor's gettin' cooked. Au Gratin.

He's going to invite his family to watch the torture? These Skrulls...is there anything redeeming about them? I know there's a whole thing with the Terrigen Mists, right? It's all embuey or something.

Hey, it looks like Chuck is standing. He gets cured and uncured a lot, don't he?

Yay, Doc confounds them. I summon the Culottes of Confusion! Is it a skirt or is it shorts? You don't know!

Oh, a Skrull putting on Iron Man's helmet.. that's pissing me off!

Naked Tony. This issue has it all.

Holy Appearing Avengers! Are they real? They can't be real. So cool to see the old team! Seeing them like this really makes me miss them. I would love, love, love, a retro Avengers title that had the 60s and 70s teams in modernly told tales. Like this but the whole dealio.

Go, naked Tony, go!

Yikes. An angry Xavier. He scares me more than Magneto. Must be all the curing and uncuring.

I would very much like to hit something. - Hee!

No, mustn't leave the Eye! Look into my eyes, Tony. Fyvush Finkel!

D'oh! That lone skrull in Reed's torture chamber is gonna be soooo sorry. Go Namor!

By Hoary Host of ABC's Good Morning America...

OoooOOoooo. Galactus. Now, that's a quality illusion! Don't know how many GCI peeps it would take for us plain folks to pull that off.

But, hey, we made it clear that if come for us, the fight will be a real fight. Maybe now they'll look for someone else to pick on.

Pause.

Well, at least now they know it'll be a good fight.

Great moment. And leaving behind a seething, battered, vengeful enemy who's willing to wait.

MUY FANTASTICO.

Love it. It's sooooo great to see so much Doc and I love all of the others too. Also nice to know that the apparently best and brightest minds of the Marvel Universe have just, by their taking the fight to the enemy, started a friggin' war. Nice goin'! Thanks, Earth's Mightiest! Stark Enterprises probably also manufactures duct tape.

Can't wait to read the next ish, but I'll save it. By the Hairpins of Harlem, I will!

- Uatu

YOUR DAILY HOROSCOPE BY THE ZODIAC CARTEL

Because Mercury is in retrograde your patience levels are at an all time low. Now, is not the time to recruit new minions. They are lesser beings and cannot live up to your exacting standards.

You may be tempted to put your energy into a romantic relationship and although valuable allies are often found through dysfunctional sexual encounters, inflated expectations can lead to disappointment. Taking baby steps in any endeavor now is better than jumping too far ahead.

You have been so focused on your role in the gang or your status as leader of a villainous cartel that you may have lost sight of the larger picture. Now it's time to start shifting gears and thinking about ramping up that world domination scheme you've been whiteboarding. Of course, you'll still need to meet your current obligations, but you can do that while rejuvenating the same dreams you set aside to get ahead in your career in Evil. You don't have to wait until your birthday to make a wish!

TWITTER TWEETS FROM BROTHER VOODOO

twitter In electronic computosphere Devils Of Dadragon cannot find me http://iheartvoodoojustice.org 08:53AM February 18, 2008

twitter Very hot chick at CoffeeBeanTeaLeaf unbelieveable dude http://iheartvoodoojustice.org 9:04 AM February 18, 2008

twitter No Chicken Heart Mochas at CoffeeBeanTeaLeaf despicable swine http://iheartvoodoojustice.org 9:07AM February 18, 2008

twitter Driving to swamp LaterGater Will contact when ready summon God Of Purple Fire to aid in battle w Sargodz The Cruel http://iheartvoodoojustice.org 09:43AM February 18, 2008

twitter Stopped at JackInBox no Chicken Heart Breakfast Sandwich unbefuckinglieveable Cursed workers and management w. Tetrarch Talisman http://iheartvoodoojustice.org 10:34AM February 18, 2008

twitter At ritual where u b? http://iheartvoodoojustice.org 1:58PM February 18, 2008

twitter God Of Despair summoned by mistake Long night may b out of touch http://iheartvoodoojustice.org 12:01AM February 18, 2008

twitter God Of Despair banished w. chicken heart thank The One I had extra C U at CoffeeBean brng chkn hrt 06:45AM http://iheartvoodoojustice.org February 18, 2008

NIGHTHAWK SCREAMS LIKE A GIRL

HOUSE OF M #8: LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE

[A stream of consciousness live-blog]

Starring Shaun Cassidy as Pietro and Linda Purl as Wanda!

Last Ish...

Love both covers - the Wolverine about to give a very close shave and the black and white one with peeps in various states.

A city at peace... what mansion is that with the double Hs? Doesn't look like the old Avengers Mansion... Hmmmm...

Interesting, so it's like it never was, but it was in their heads, but it wasn't in their heads? Poor Peter. He loves MJ, but she's no Gwen Stacy - THE LOVE OF HIS LIFE AND THERE WILL NEVER BE ANYONE HE LOVES AS MUCH.

Ah, some do remember and some don't. Poor Peter. Man. He's like the perpetually-suffering sad sack of Marvel. He needs to read "The Secret".

Poor Doc! He does not look well. Needs a hug - stat!

Po lil' ex-Xers. They's all a muddle without their powers. Welcome to my world, former muties! You ain't so bad NOW!

Great page-panel of Logan remembering! But I bet he still can't find his keys.

Where the hoodahey is Charles? For a while I thought he was actually Layla.

I gotta say, it's a very clever reboot - no more, well only a few, mutants.

Gosh, it's good to see Cap again. I actually missed him. It was smart to remove him, not just 'cause it was moving to see him old, but because his soothing influence would have been too "settling" and this needed to be unsettling...and it was.

Even in the Marvel Universe we can't escape the FRAKKING EVANGELICALS!

Wow, Doc is in a bad way. I must bundle him!

Oh no. Is he gonna go walk the earth now? Again?

Gosh, that exchange between Peter and Doc was just brutal.

It's Hawkeye isn't it? It's him. Right? He's the one at the mansion cause he's all kaboodled in his head and didn't know where else to go. It's him, right?

I know it's him.

Hee! LOVE the little smile on Cap's face.

Oh yeah, Eric. Disenchancelled. Ouch.

The fork makes a little W for Wanda! Not so magnetic anymore, eh? That's gotta suck. And, his getting his powers back will be a fun story line too.

Tell us what you think, Crazy Hank Pym!

Meanwhile, Wanda markets.

Oooo, energy and actions and reactions...coolsies...story is over but not hardly...actual ramifications to come...Wanda will probably be picking out ripe fruit at the Transian street market through all of it.

The End.

That was terrif. Really enjoyed muchly. Fun reset of the uni, with lots of fun storylines laid out there. So many new wounds to gape open and fester. So much like my life.

TWINSIES

MARVEL HATES ME

There's just no other explanation for this.

FAVORITE NAME OF ANYTHING IN ANY MEDIUM, EVER

"Mother, May I Sleep With Danger?"

1996 TV-movie starring her.

A PSA FROM DC COMICS' FIRESTORM

Hello. I’m DC Comics’ Firestorm, and my FUCKING HEAD IS ON FUCKING FIRE.

Sorry about the swearing. Please try to understand that it’s difficult to communicate a message when your entire fucking head is on fire, and it hurts and it won’t stop, ever, and yes, it looks cool and all but why don’t you walk around for about, I don’t know, seven minutes with your own fucking head consumed by flames and then maybe you can tell me how cool the whole thing really is. Would you try that for me? Because other than doing that, you have no fucking idea how much it fucking hurts to have you fucking head always on motherfucking fire. Thank you.

FICTIONAL NAMES I HAVE SCREAMED AT THE HEIGHT OF PASSION 4

Vavoom.

HOUSE OF M #7: HE AIN'T HEAVY... HE'S MY LOVER BROTHER

[A stream of consciousness live-blog]

Before we begin, just read House Of M Spidey #4. Great. Loved, loved, loved Ben and the Stacys on their mission. Loved the complete absence of Mary Jane.

Thwip! Very stealthy, that noise. No one would EVER hear him coming.

Okay, on to ish 7...opensies...

Beautiful cover with Wanda cradling her lover, I mean brother, I mean lover, I mean brother, I mean both, ew, I mean just brother, Pietro.

Bigass fightsies. Too bad that little mutant girl couldn't zap everyone there before she went off with Cloak to find Chuck.

Uh-oh, Wanda pieces.

Angry Quicksilver likes his sister WAY too much.

Hee. Love the cutout/inset of Doc's reaction. He thinks Quicksilver likes his sister way too much, too. There should be a spell for that.

Such polite greetings. Wanda, you look well. Thank you for rending the very fabric of spacetime. Got any lady fingers?

Ooo, crazy Wanda eyes. Doc is the perfect person for this task. He's so calm, gracious and in control and he loves me. And, he asks the question that's been plaguing me. How long has she been "playing with the world"? Probably longer than Stephen has been playing with mine.

That puzzle piece device is fabu. Rubik's Reality.

Doc sees all. I wonder if he sees anything from Yummy Cupcakes in my future.

That Pietro/Eric scene is one my all-time faves. Sooooo beautifully done. And now, more.. poor Wanda, poor Pietro....and fwiw, I love the subtle change in the Doc panels as he watches these scenes from the past...is eyes change. He is probably thinking about me.

Great stuff... it wasn't Magento.. very, very nice.

I actually gasped at the Wanda with an arrow in her just as she was going to tell Doc what he needed to know. Hawkeye? Did you do that?

Oh shit. Mageneto.

Clint! Damn it. Fuckin' freelancers.

Love hurts.

Lots.

Damn those Wanda kids are scary. Worse than Kimora Lee Simmons'.

There goes Hawkeye again. I understand his anger, but damn man....t-t-timing.

For God's sake Doc, get control of this situation! And my heart!

Uh-oh, Daddy's angry.

Wow. I've never seen or even really thought about a truly cheesed-off Magneto before. He's always been so calm and in control. I'm scared.

Did he kill him????

No... maybe, she Wanda-ized him back.

Talk about daddy issues. Wow.

Uh-oh is right.

No more mutants. Wow. Cool.

I wonder what Doc is doing in that panel. The mutants above are being disenchancelled, but he's not a mutant, and he's workin' his magic mojo somethin' fierce....

And back to white we go.

Wow, that was great! What a jam-packed issue. Jinkies. No more mutants. Can't wait to see how that plays out! I know they must remutantate at some point, but what a fun, cool idea.

I know this wasn't a funny blog entry, cause I was taking it so seriously. I'm a geek. I'll be snarkier next time. :-)

- Spineless, wishy-washy, yellow-belly Bruce Banner

MIGHTY THOR'S FINANCIAL COLUMN

Across the chasm betwixt thee and thy Superiors, I greet thee, mortal! Thy curiosity in affairs of the purse stirs me, and moves e’en a god himself to share his mighty abundance of market speculation with thee!

‘Tis said thine economic might doth crumble whilst your temporal leaders continue their plunder. Fear not, mortal! ‘Though yon IRAs and mortgages art rent asunder, the gods know what thy sorry kind doth not: that there art billions of untapped markets for thee to snare by the scruff, and ravenously feast upon! It gladdens the bursting heart of Thor to share these very hot investment opportunities with thee!

MAGICAL TREASURE - whilst corn and sorghum are all-but-eternal mortal staples, ‘tis the never-ending discovery of Magical Treasure in the Other Realms Eternal that doth keep the gods supplied with mead, ale and thunderbolts. ‘Twere there no Magical Treasures in far-off Realms Eternal for the gods to command, mighty Thor himself could not afford the monthly on his mystic Uru hammer, Mjolnir. Consider investing thy remaining wealth into the search for Magical Treasure. ‘Tis highly recommended by me, because it worketh!

MEAD - Yon mortals’ love for Coca-Cola, Red Bull and irradiated nectars doth pale when placed before the light of the love the Immortals doth shine forth for Mead, the Quencher Of Gods. ‘Though some of your kind can reach the highest perceptions, still ye cannot imagine the heights of flavored ecstasy that fermented honey and tap water provides. The Vigor Of The Shining Ones like myself doth originate in the resplendent alchemy of this beverage - he who partakes may as well drink the light of your Sun. And - no aspartame! Mighty Thor’s Mead-Protein Blast is available at all GNC stores!

ABSOLUTE COMMAND OF THE ELEMENTAL FORCES - ‘tis said that a beneficial product and a smile can make the smallest man the mightiest Frost Giant. The God Of Thunder disagrees. Nothing gives any being more genuine confidence, more awareness of the power within, more blazing financial success than absolute command of the forces of Nature, or, to me, Mother Fire. To rain a Storm Of Strogaard upon a weekly meeting gone awry by thy lateness, to crack Midgard itself with a Tremor Of Taborius, to wipe the boardroom clean of all competition with a Gust Of Gormanicorr - wouldst not all thy ventures be victorious? Yet ye do not. What cur most mortals be. Learn ye thee now, to control the elements, by visiting www.mightythorselfhelptapes.org - wherein for a small pittance of $49.99 ye shall receive a CD of Lessons On How To Command The Elements. Thine results mayest vary, buy nay, no refunds. Also, Thor must warn ye by federal law that CDs have been known to cause anal leakage. As yet, no mortal science-worker can determine the reason.

From ‘cross the Rainbow Bridge, wherest all is Blinding Perfection ever unknown to mere man, I bid thee farewell ‘til next I deign speak to thee!

Also, heed: on mine website there lies also a sale on my newest book, “The Power Within The Power’s Power: How To Accesseth That Power”.

NOTE TO HULK'S TAILOR

He's a dress-right.

GALACTUS, DEVOURER OF WORLDS, REALLY ENJOYS BURBANK, CA'S "YUMMY CUPCAKES"

I, Galactus, have spanned the very macroverse itself in a never-ending quest to drain inhabited planets of their vital-forces to slake my eternal thirst for the energies of life. Countless worlds and races have disappeared from the fabric of memory itself by my giant, blocky hand. Most orbs were negligible husks, crawling with unevolved vermin and so-called noble races who, were it not for their wars on one another, would have one day reached the stars as I have and avoided my hunger. Several of these worlds were quite delicious, sweet and satisfying. Yet never in my all-transcendent lifespan have I tasted anything as ambrosaic and vivifying as a so-called “Yummy Cupcake” from Earth’s “Yummy Cupcakes” in Burbank, California. That once-doomed Gaea could produce such a cupcake stirs in me the feeling that perhaps there is something in this universe larger in scope than my own colossal being. I must have another cupcake. Thus your world is spared.

HOUSE OF M #6: WHAT IF YOU THREW A PARTY AND EVERYONE CAME

Stomachs in!

[A stream of consciousness live-blog]

Reading because the world has gone mad...

Have to admit, Emma's powers of persuasion are pretty spanky. Controlling so many minds at once, implanting thoughts, it's like she's an evangelical preacher...

Hmmm.. Doom is not in the crazy-bin...this is where I wonder if I read out of order, or if this will be explained or I just have to go with it 'cause not all of it makes sense anyway... I'll take Door Number Three, Monty.

Love the little exchange re: their wimmins between Luke and Spidey. They are doodle-bugs even though Luke is all street and Electric Boogaloo.

That's a tough one, Scott. No moral restraint. Yes, everything is on the line, but winning at all cost? Quite the ethical pickle!

And, for all the moral conundruming, Doc is conspicously silent. Where art thou, Stephen?

The parade of dignitaries at Magnus' shindig is kinda creepy... they got sumptin' planned... I hope.

The Magnuses are a nice looking family, I'll give them that. They're like the Windsors only with jawlines....but the double-mint twins, Little Lord Fauntleroy boys - kreepee

Ok, that giant Sentinel thingy flying at them and Magnus is all, oh, no you di-int and the stopping with his magnety hand.. and people are like holy shit and and it's like really big and cool and stuff.

Giant 2 pager - I loves those...

Fight! Fight! Fight! Can't we all just get along?

Oooo, Cloak going all poof and leaving a puddle of his cloaky self....neato. I want to fix him up with my acupuncturist. Just think she'd adore him.

No Charles = bad. No Charles bones = good.

The end? Poop.

That was way too fast. Read it in half-a-cupcake-eating. Damnitalltoheck.

Only about 15,000 issues left!

FICTIONAL NAMES I HAVE SCREAMED AT THE HEIGHT OF PASSION 3

Godzooky. Look it up.

FICTIONAL NAMES I HAVE SCREAMED AT THE HEIGHT OF PASSION 2

Captain Cupcake.

THIS REALLY HAPPENED

In the late 1980s a young prehab Brigitte Nielsen starred as She-Hulk in a TV-movie called "She-Hulk" about She-Hulk (a Hulk but a she), but it never aired, but Dear God please someone out there find and send me a copy of this movie so I can watch the whole thing through and then gouge out my own eyes on the credenza with a pastry fork.

FICTIONAL NAMES I HAVE SCREAMED AT THE HEIGHT OF PASSION

Fruit Pie The Magician.

MOONLIGHTING

DEAR NORMAN OSBORN,

Norman Osborn is a billionaire weapons inventor and manufacturer, Relationship Columnist for "Ms.", and the Green Goblin.

Dear Mr. Osborn Sir,

I have been blessed with a marriage that has lasted forty-seven years. My husband has been an excellent provider and my best friend. But lately I have noticed that I no longer get a peck on the cheek when he sits down for coffee. What can I do?

God Bless America,
Anxious in Andover

DEAR WHORE:

FORTY-SEVEN YEARS OF MARRIAGE AND YOU ARE STILL UNDER THE
IMPRESSION THAT IT IS ALL ABOUT YOU. YOU MAKE ME SICK. YOUR
HUSBAND HAS STOPPED PECKING YOU ON THE CHEEK BECAUSE AFTER
ALMOST FIFTY YEARS HE FINALLY HAS COPPED TO THE FACT THAT YOU
DRAG HIM DOWN LIKE A RUSTY ANCHOR. AND YOUR COFFEE BLOWS. IT
ALWAYS HAS. ANXIOUS, THERE ARE FAR MORE PRESSING THINGS
HAPPENING IN THE COUNTRY THAN YOUR LITTLE NEED-FEST. SUCK IT UP
AND THINK ABOUT MAKING RICHER, SMOOTHER COFFEE FOR YOUR
SUGAR-DADDY. WE CLEAR?

Dear Green Goblin,

I’m a thirty-five year old male with an active and healthy sex life. But in the last few months my desire has all but disappeared. Other needs besides the physical are becoming a priority in my life. How can I stop this?

Thank You In Advance,
Concerned in Calabasas


DEAR FAGGOT:

I HAVE NO TIME FOR THIS.


Dear Mr. Norman,

I am a forty-seven year old female who is currently finishing out a thirty-
year sentence for killing my husband’s six other wives. I have found Jesus
and I am looking forward to my release, so I can do God’s work in a country where we are so blessed that there are three broadcast television
networks. But I wonder if I will ever find a good man to share the Lord’s
work with. How can I make a good and handsome man see past my
horrible crimes and love me the way God does?

Peace Be With You,
Idiosyncratic in Idaho


DEAR IDIO-WHATEVER:

THUMBS UP ON THE JESUS STUFF. PEOPLE LIKE YOU HELP KEEP PEOPLE LIKE ME IN POWER. WHAT WAS YOUR PROBLEM AGAIN? OH, YEAH, YOU WANT A MAN. LOOK, AT YOUR AGE, PAYING FOR IT IS THE BEST OF YOUR LIMITED OPTIONS. YOU’VE PROBABLY GOT A DECENT SUM SOCKED AWAY SOMEWHERE. SPEND IT ALL AND PRAY TO THAT JESUS GUY THAT YOUR JOHN MISTAKES SEX FOR LOVE AND COMPANIONSHIP. OKAY, NEXT. GOT A PRAYER BREAKFAST AT 8:30….


Dear Norman Osborn,

How can I be a better and more caring lover to my beautiful wife?

Thank You,
Caressing In Clearwater


CARESSING,

THE UNION OF SOULS THAT ACCOMPANIES A TRUE AND LASTING LOVEMAKING EXPERIENCE IS ACHIEVED ONLY WHEN ONE PARTNER IS
COMPLETELY OPEN, HONEST AND COMMUNICATIVE IN A GENUINE SPIRIT
OF GIVING WITHOUT THE EXPECTATION OF RECEIVING. LISTEN WITH
YOUR INNERMOST HEART OF HEARTS TO WHAT YOUR LOVER IS SHARING
WITH YOU ABOUT HER NEEDS AND DESIRES AND FEEL THE PULSE OF
TRUST AND UNCONDITIONAL LOVE THAT COURSES THROUGH YOU -- AND REMEMBER THAT THIS IS YOUR NATURAL STATE – LIMITATION AND
MATERIALITY IS THE LIE. GOOD LUCK!


Dear Mr. Osborn Sir,

My son Stephen was recently shipped to Iraq. Not as a soldier. His fellow fraternity brothers drunkened him with liquors and actually shipped him there, via Priority Mail. He was my heart and soul and I don’t know how I will go on if anything happens to him at his destination post office. When we will achieve our objective in Iraq, so that no other mother ever has to feel what I must endure?

Ruth Gorsic
Memphis, TN


DEAR WHINEY MCBITCHERTON:

THE INSURGENCY IS IN ITS LAST THROES.

Is there something you’d like to ask me -- NORMAN OSBORN!??? From that smug grin on your face - so youthful and hopeful, like that accursed Peter Parker’s - it appears you do. Please send inquiries to: dearnormanosborn@aol.com.

NEEDS A LITTLE WORK...

Look into my hat. Not my eyes, you fool! My hat! Let me schooch down a little.

HOUSE OF M #5: MISTY WATER-COLORED MEMORIES

[A stream of consciousness live-blog]

Opensies. readsies....

They's walkin' on her brains. Boy, no pressure. Subtle Emma is not.

Wow, did Scott barf? Is it solar-powered?

Coolsies... going to get Peter. It's so great to see that others know how cool and important he is! To sales!

What a GREAT two-paneler! Oh, Gwendy! MJ sucks. Just reminding myself.

Wow, 3 different images of her death...important? Just a little! MJ who? Redhead, freckles? What-EV...

Poor Peter.... quipping and gripping, his two biggest strengths.

Yay, Doc! But, trim that fu-manchu stat!

You go, little Layla! Clap on! No use? Cap? Even at 100 I want him on my team.

Again with them all together... I get all goosepimpley. Gotta say, I love seeing all the in plain clothes - suits. Sexy.

Boy, are these cats spoilin' for a fight or what? Mess with my mind wills ya!?!

So, Charles, eh? Hmmmmm...My money is on Wanda with an assist from Magneto, but him being missing and his powers, it does make sense....

Poor Hawkeye.. so very messed up. Is it because he had never had own series? Or is it that he doesn't have his own series because he's so very messed up?

Ah...so Hawkeye left, maybe now he goes and has his Pulse 10 adventure and his Where's Wanda...

Is Layla part of Wanda? Or a part of all os us? Or just a street urchin who's a part of no one? I know, I know, shuddup and read!

Hmmm.. Magneto, still hot.... brooding...and visiting Chuck's marker... hmmm.... tbc.

Cliff Notes: Things are still weird but now all the heroes know it and they're cheesed.