DEAR NORMAN OSBORN,

Norman Osborn is a billionaire weapons inventor and manufacturer, Relationship Columnist for "Ms.", and the Green Goblin.

Dear Mr. Osborn Sir,

I have been blessed with a marriage that has lasted forty-seven years. My husband has been an excellent provider and my best friend. But lately I have noticed that I no longer get a peck on the cheek when he sits down for coffee. What can I do?

God Bless America,
Anxious in Andover

DEAR WHORE:

FORTY-SEVEN YEARS OF MARRIAGE AND YOU ARE STILL UNDER THE
IMPRESSION THAT IT IS ALL ABOUT YOU. YOU MAKE ME SICK. YOUR
HUSBAND HAS STOPPED PECKING YOU ON THE CHEEK BECAUSE AFTER
ALMOST FIFTY YEARS HE FINALLY HAS COPPED TO THE FACT THAT YOU
DRAG HIM DOWN LIKE A RUSTY ANCHOR. AND YOUR COFFEE BLOWS. IT
ALWAYS HAS. ANXIOUS, THERE ARE FAR MORE PRESSING THINGS
HAPPENING IN THE COUNTRY THAN YOUR LITTLE NEED-FEST. SUCK IT UP
AND THINK ABOUT MAKING RICHER, SMOOTHER COFFEE FOR YOUR
SUGAR-DADDY. WE CLEAR?

Dear Green Goblin,

I’m a thirty-five year old male with an active and healthy sex life. But in the last few months my desire has all but disappeared. Other needs besides the physical are becoming a priority in my life. How can I stop this?

Thank You In Advance,
Concerned in Calabasas


DEAR FAGGOT:

I HAVE NO TIME FOR THIS.


Dear Mr. Norman,

I am a forty-seven year old female who is currently finishing out a thirty-
year sentence for killing my husband’s six other wives. I have found Jesus
and I am looking forward to my release, so I can do God’s work in a country where we are so blessed that there are three broadcast television
networks. But I wonder if I will ever find a good man to share the Lord’s
work with. How can I make a good and handsome man see past my
horrible crimes and love me the way God does?

Peace Be With You,
Idiosyncratic in Idaho


DEAR IDIO-WHATEVER:

THUMBS UP ON THE JESUS STUFF. PEOPLE LIKE YOU HELP KEEP PEOPLE LIKE ME IN POWER. WHAT WAS YOUR PROBLEM AGAIN? OH, YEAH, YOU WANT A MAN. LOOK, AT YOUR AGE, PAYING FOR IT IS THE BEST OF YOUR LIMITED OPTIONS. YOU’VE PROBABLY GOT A DECENT SUM SOCKED AWAY SOMEWHERE. SPEND IT ALL AND PRAY TO THAT JESUS GUY THAT YOUR JOHN MISTAKES SEX FOR LOVE AND COMPANIONSHIP. OKAY, NEXT. GOT A PRAYER BREAKFAST AT 8:30….


Dear Norman Osborn,

How can I be a better and more caring lover to my beautiful wife?

Thank You,
Caressing In Clearwater


CARESSING,

THE UNION OF SOULS THAT ACCOMPANIES A TRUE AND LASTING LOVEMAKING EXPERIENCE IS ACHIEVED ONLY WHEN ONE PARTNER IS
COMPLETELY OPEN, HONEST AND COMMUNICATIVE IN A GENUINE SPIRIT
OF GIVING WITHOUT THE EXPECTATION OF RECEIVING. LISTEN WITH
YOUR INNERMOST HEART OF HEARTS TO WHAT YOUR LOVER IS SHARING
WITH YOU ABOUT HER NEEDS AND DESIRES AND FEEL THE PULSE OF
TRUST AND UNCONDITIONAL LOVE THAT COURSES THROUGH YOU -- AND REMEMBER THAT THIS IS YOUR NATURAL STATE – LIMITATION AND
MATERIALITY IS THE LIE. GOOD LUCK!


Dear Mr. Osborn Sir,

My son Stephen was recently shipped to Iraq. Not as a soldier. His fellow fraternity brothers drunkened him with liquors and actually shipped him there, via Priority Mail. He was my heart and soul and I don’t know how I will go on if anything happens to him at his destination post office. When we will achieve our objective in Iraq, so that no other mother ever has to feel what I must endure?

Ruth Gorsic
Memphis, TN


DEAR WHINEY MCBITCHERTON:

THE INSURGENCY IS IN ITS LAST THROES.

Is there something you’d like to ask me -- NORMAN OSBORN!??? From that smug grin on your face - so youthful and hopeful, like that accursed Peter Parker’s - it appears you do. Please send inquiries to: dearnormanosborn@aol.com.