IMPOSSIBLE MAN'S DVD REVIEW

I’m The Impossible Man, and I can do anything. But I could never make a movie as shitty as “Mama Mia” was.

I’m telling you, I can do ANYTHING. I’m the Impossible Man. I can grow to giant-size, change my hands into Thor-hammers, I can snap my fingers and POP! I have pterodactyl wings. I have no limits.

But I must, because although I can do anything, I could not, even if I tried, even if I used 110 percent of my powers, I could not make a movie as grating and irritatingly cheerful as Mama Fucking Mia.

God it made me want to rip off my own head at the neck and throw my head at the screen. And I didn’t even really watch, not really. I just put in the DVD and pressed “fast forward”, which is the way I always watch movies that everyone loved when they come out on DVD because I could give a shit, and never once did I slow it down. It was that fucking irritating. And oh, here’s the story, fast forward version: there’s this hot teen girl and she thinks she has three handsome and charming fathers because she doesn’t know who her real dad is and her mom is a hippie and a call girl from the looks of it and there’s a wedding and oh, this guy is my real dad but it doesn’t really matter anyway because I love all three of you like One Big Perfect UberDad. I hear the soundtrack is okay but I hate music.

“Mama Mia” is also available on BluRay Disc. Not a clue as to what that is, but I fear it’s an even clearer, more high-quality way to watch this shitty-ass movie.