WORLD WAR HULK #5: WARBOUND, SCHMOREBOUND

[A stream of consciousness live-blog]

with commentary from MICHAEL

Note: So sorry for the long delay between posts. House-hunting and now moving. Will be posting again a bit sporadically for the next few weeks, then things should settle down. Thanks for you patience!

Bob and his rippling muscles to the rescue! Hulk's nails are nicely manicured. I wonder what salon he goes to for his mani-pedi.

IT'S ALL THE PUNCHING. SMASHING GRANITE BUFFS THE HANDS NICELY.

More previouslies.... Hulk's family died, yada yada, planet destroyed, Reed bad.. got it.

IMPORTANT TO REMIND YOU, MISSY. EVERY COMIC BOOK IS SOMEONE'S FIRST! I AM POINTNG MY FINGER AS I REMIND YOU OF THIS.

Wait. Reed controlled the disk? No, Hulk did?

HULK DID. THE ONLY THING REED CONTROLS AT THIS POINT IN HIS CAREER IS HIS BLADDER, AND I'M NOT EVEN SURE ABOUT THAT. I KNOW I HARP ON THIS, BUT I WISH YOU HAD GROWN UP KNOWING REED LIKE I AND MANY DID. HE IS NOT A TOOL. HE'S ANYTHING BUT. AND HE'S SMARTER THAN 6 TONYS (STARKS, NOT THE AWARD) PUT TOGETHER. I GET WHY THEY ARE DOING IT DRAMATICALLY BUT IT STILL STEAMS MY VEGGIES. REED HAS MORE REED-EEMIN' TO DO THAN TONY. MAYBE HE'S TAKING CIALIS OR SOMETHING (NOW IN DAILY DOSE FORM!) AND IT'S MESSING WITH HIS RUBBERY BRAIN. OR MAYBE HE HAS NEVER RECOVERED FROM JESSICA ALBA PLAYING SUE IN THE "FF" MOVIES. MMMMMM JESSICA ALBA. I WANT TO BUILD A TIME-SHARE ON HER BIG, PILLOW-Y LIPS AND THEN LIVE THERE FOREVER, WITHOUT SHARING. I'LL BE LIKE THOSE LADIES IN "GREY GARDENS".

Ok, hold the phone. I know it's been forevah since I read ish 4, but I clearly remember a serious bloodlust thing happening. Now, Hulk's all.. not. I coulda sworn his plan involved killing them. Not that I'm complaining. Okay, maybe a little, but not really cause Stephen needs me!!!

NAH YOU'RE HALLUCINATING. HULK MADE IT SEEEEM AS IF HE WAS GONNA KILL THEM, BUT HE WAS NEVER GONNA. HE JUST WANTED TO SHOW THEM, REALLY SHOW THEM, THAT HE IS NOT A MONSTER. THAT HE HAS MERCY. THAT HE IS NOT AS BAD AS HE BELIEVES THE ILLUMINATI TO BE. THAT HE'S MORALLY SUPERIOR. HE SURE SETTLED THEIR HASH! I LOVE THAT HE DID THIS AND I KNEW HE WASN'T GONNA KILLIPATE THEM. THERE IS STILL YOUR 70S DOODLE-HULK IN THERE AT HIS CORE.

Bob knows how to make an entrance!

OOOOO IT'S JUST TOO COOL TO SEE THE HIGH-POWERED GUYS BLAZE THROUGH THE PANELS AND SMASH THROUGH CONVENIENTLY UNOCCUPIED BUILDINGS BEFORE THEY SMASH INTO THEIR FOES. ROMITA JR. IS GREAT AT THIS GOD-LIKE-POWER STUFF, WHICH IS WHY I'M SURE THEY CHOSE HIM FOR THIS PROJECT. HE HAS A LOT OF KIRBY ON HIM, WITHOUT BEING A RIP-OFF. LOTS OF RAW POWER BEING THROWN ABOUT. LOVE IT. I WISH KIRBY WERE STILL ALIVE AND DRAWING, BECAUSE WITH MODERN COLORING AND COMPUTER-EFFECTS/ENHANCEMENT SUCH AS DISPLAYED HERE, HIS CHARACTERS WOULD LITERALLY (!) BURST OFF THE PAGE AND PUNCH YOU IN THE LABONZA. AND AROUND YOU WOULD BE LOTS OF KRACKLE. NOT THE CANDY, THE KIRBY KRACKLE. BY THE WAY, THEY DON'T SELL THE HERSHEY'S KRACKLE SEPERATELY ANY MORE. YOU HAVE TO GET IT IN AN ASSORTMENT BAG, AND ONLY IN BITE-SIZE. NOW I FEEL LIKE EATING 17 BITE-SIZED KRACKLES. I'M SURE IF I DO, KIRBY KRACKLES WILL SHOOT OUT OF MY COLON (PUFFED RICE DOES THAT).

Wow. Where will the Knicks play now? Oh, that's right. No one cares. Left coast!

THAT'S JUST MEAN.

I can just hear you now, Michael. TWO MONSTERS FIGHTING!

YESH!!! BIG BOOM AND BANG AND SMASH AND CRASH AND EARTH-SHATTERING IMPACT. THE ONLY THING THAT COULD HAVE MADE THE HULK/SENTRY FIGHT BETTER WOULD BE IF THEY WERE MADE OF HERSHEY'S KRACKLE. THEN I WOULD ENJOY THE FIGHT AND DIP THEM IN JIF PEANUT BUTTER (FUCK SKIPPY!!!!) AND EAT THEM.

IT'S AMAZING TO ME THAT FOR ALL OF THE MONSTER-FIGHTS I HAVE SEEN (AND PARTICIPATED IN), IT'S NEVER ROTE OR BORING TO ME. I ALWAYS JUST LOVE'EM. NOW I AM THINKING ABOUT THE HULK/ABOMINATION FIGHTY-FIGHT IN THE "INCREDIBLE HULK" MOVIE, WHICH SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN AN OSCAR FOR "BEST MONSTER FIGHT IN HARLEM".

Men.

LIKE MONSTERS FIGHTING. WOMEN LIKE LAZY SUSANS AND UNICORNS.

Ya know, I gotta call poo on Hulk here. Yes, his family died, it's ABC after school special tragic, but he's acting pretty high and mighty for someone who has cause his own share of mayhem and destruction. You gotta own it, Hulk. Then the healing can begin. That'll be $200.

BUT YA SEE......HULK HAS NEVER KILLED IN MARVEL CONTINUITY. I KNOW YOU FIND THAT IMPLAUSIBLE, BUT SINCE HIS INCEPTION HE HAS NEVER DELIBERATELY HURT ANYONE (MAYBE AN EXCEPTION OR TWO). THE INNOCENT FUN OF THE HULK IS THAT FOR ALL THE PROPERTY DAMAGE HE PERPETRATES, NO ONE REALLY GETS HURT OR KILLED. THEY MAY HAVE CHANGED THAT IN RECENT YEARS, BUT ALL THROUGH THE 60-90S, THAT WAS THE RULE OF THUMB. YOU JUST HAVE TO GO WITH IT. YA HAVETA! THEY DID A GOOD JOB OF THAT IN THE RECENT MOVIE, WITH THE SHOTS OF PEOPLE RUNNING THE FRIG AWAY OR TAKING COVER WHILE HE SMASHED HELICOPTERS AND SONIC WEAPONS.

I'M A BIG FAN OF THIS KIND OF SEMI-CHEAT-Y STORYTELLING. IT'S JUST MORE INNOCENT AND FUN. I WAS NEVER SCARED OF THE HULK AS A KID BECAUSE I KNEW HE WOULD NEVER HURT ME. GENERAL ROSS WOULD HURT ME. EVEN BETTY WAS MORE OF A THREAT (HER BOBBED HAIR ESPECIALLY). HOWARD THE DUCK WOULD HURT ME WITH HIS SARCASM. MAN-THING? HE'D BE NICE.


Hee. You tell 'em General Ross.

I HAVE A THEORY THAT ROSS IS JEALOUS OF THE MARVEL HEROES. IF HE HAD THAT KIND OF POWER HE'D BE ABUSIN' IT LEFT AND RIGHT AND TAKING OVER SMALL REPUBLICS. HE'S DANGEROUS ENOUGH WITH HIS GUNS AND FULLER-BRUSH-TACHE.

I'm undoubtedly in the minority here, but the fight art, it's pretty, but.. eh. I'm just not emotionally involved in the battle with Hulk v Bob. I guess I might be if I'd read more Sentry, but it just feels set-piecey.

I'M KIND OF WITH YOU ON THIS. IT DOES NOT RESONATE AS DEEPLY BECAUSE THE SENTRY IS A RELATIVELY NEW CHARACTER, ESPECIALLY TO MARVEL-HEADS. IF IT WAS THOR, NOW THAT WOULD BE COOL (AND MUCH BETTER THAN THAT ANIMATED MOVIE YOU MADE ME SIT THROUGH :)

I DID LOVE ALL THE FIERY SOLAR ENERGY ALL OVER THE PLACE. EVERYONE IN NYC LOOKS LIKE GEORGE HAMILTON NOW.

What the heck is Doc doing? Tony and Reed are completely bogarting this ish. Can Blackbolt yell at Hulk and Bob and send them flying into outspace or something? Can't Doc do something or at least get some panel time? Hello!!!

HEY, DOC HAD HIS DAY IN ISH THREE WHEN HULK DID THE MACARENA ON HIS HANDS. ALL HE COULD DO AT THIS POINT WAS BE A GLORIFIED EXTRA.

What happened? How'd they revert?

Ohhhh, not cool Miek. Not cool.

What a mess. With the killing and then the more killing.

Poor Hulk.

I completely understand the need to make Hulk smart and play with that, but I miss my Doodle/Savage Hulk something fierce.

I THINK - DON'T QUOTE ME - THAT IN THE NEW "HULK" COMIC, HE IS INDEED 70S DUMB-DOODLY AGAIN. I BRIEFLY GLANCED AT AN ISH, BUT WAS TURNED OFF BY MARKETING PLOY. I MEAN, RED HULK. RED HULK SOUNDS LIKE AN ENERGY DRINK. AND THEY STILL HAVE NOT GIVEN US RED'S BACKSTORY, AND I STILL DON'T GIVE A SHIT.

I officially have no idea what just happened. I know Hulk gave himself up so Tony could zap him and they've got him "safely" ensconced in a super-duper secret HulkBuster thingy 3 miles under the desert, but... on Sakaar? His spirit lives? Something more? A Primordial Campbell's Soup Hulk?

OKAY. WHAT'S ON SAKAAR IS HULK'S SEED. WHEN CIERA WAS ALL BLOWED UP, WHAT WAS IN HER WOMB WAS AS NEAR-INVULNERABLE AS HULK, AND IT SURVIVED. IT WILL GROW INTO SKAAR, SON OF HULK, A NEW SERIES, WHICH IS REALLY FUN, BY THE WAY - "CONAN" MEETS "JOHN CARTER" MEETS "KILLRAVEN" PLUS TEEN-HULK ANGST AND FATHER-ISSUES. RON GARNEY DRAWS IT AND IT LOOK TREMENDOUS.

I guess there was no other way to end it, but I feel ripped that the payoff was so abrupt and Illuminati-lite and sans coda. And the lack of Stephen was a total gip. I know, I know. It wasn't World War Stephen, but still...

STEPHEN WILL BE SPOTLIGHTED SOON IN "NEW AVENGERS" AND YOU WILL GET YOUR FIX.

And Rick? He was skewered. Is he alive? I don't know!

RICK SURVIVED BECAUSE HE'S IN THE NEW "HULK" BOOK. RICK WILL NEVER DIE. HE IS THE VOICE OF THE TEEN AUDIENCE AND HAS BEEN PART OF EVERY SIGNIFICANT MARVEL EVENT SINCE 1962. AND HE PLAYS GUITAR.

This was a boy's ending. Big fight. Big fight. The end. My Fallopian tubes are not satisfied.

MAYBE THEY COULD HAVE ALL GONE TO THE OLIVE GARDEN AND TALKED ABOUT THEIR FEELINGS. THERE'S CLEARLY A HUGE AUDIENCE FOR THAT. OVER BREADSTICKS THE ILLUMINATI COULD EXPLAIN THEMSELVES AND THEN HULK WOULD BE TOUCHED HE'D SHARE HIS PUMPKIN RAVIOLI. THAT'S HOSPITALIANO!!!!

I DID LOVE THE MORAL. "They can call you whatever they want...Savior...Destroyer...all that matters...is what YOU choose." I THINK THAT'S BEAUTIFUL, AND POWERFUL, AND EVEN SPIRITUAL, AND IT SHOWS HOW AWESOME HULK IS.

WORLD WAR HULK #4: PAINSTAKINGLY PENNED BY PLINY THE ELDER

[A stream of consciousness live-blog]

with commentary from MICHAEL

Hulk's lookin' pretty aquiline on that cover. Hulkus Arilius.

I HAD TO LOOK UP "AQUILINE", SO THANK YOU. WHY YES HE DOES! I LOVE ALL THE COVERS TO THESE, ALL THE VARIANTS, TOO. USUALLY THE 8,000 VARIANT COVERS SHTICK IS ANNOYING BUT THESE WERE ALL REALLY FUN COVERS. I BET ALL THE BIGGIES WERE PUSHING HARD FOR A COVER GIG. TO GET TO DRAW THE HULK GOING APESHIT ON THE WHOLE MARVEL U - SO AWESOME. OF ALL THE VERY KIND NODS AND SOPS TO PEEPS LIKE ME WHO WERE RAISED ON AND BY MARVEL IN THE 70S, THE WWHULK MINI IS THE FUNNEREST WINK AND REWARD. WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR HIM TO BE THAT CHARACTER WHO AGAIN EFFECTS THE WHOLE UNIVERSE SIMPLY BY HIS PRESENCE. IN THE 60S AND EARLY 70S EVERY NEW HERO HAD TO EVENTUALLY FIGHT THE HULK OR TRY TO CAPTURE HIM. EVEN SPIDEY FOUGHT HIM WAY BACK IN AMAZING SPIDER-MAN 14. AND I REMEMBER THAT IN A 60S SPIDER-MAN ANNUAL, HE AGAIN FOUGHT THE HULK, AND ACTUALLY STAGGERED HIM WITH A PUNCH! WHAT HAPPENED TO THAT FUCKING SPIDER-MAN? THEY DOWNPLAY HIS PHYSICAL MIGHT TODAY AND IT BUGS. I LOOOOOVE DIGRESSING TONIGHT. IT HEALS ME.

The Demon Zom : Six out of seven mystics recommend him.

I know it's demanding of me (but hey, I'm a woman!) but I hate it when the artist doesn't give a half a rat's patoot about background faces, even when they're not that far in the background and are important characters like Hulk. I mean, he doesn't even have a nose. He looks like a castoff from Fragglerock.

THAT'S INTERESTING. I AM SO USED TO ARTISTS FUDGING BACKGROUNDS THAT I ACTUALLY THINK THAT FOR SOME ARTISTS IT IS A DELIBERATE AESTHETIC CHOICE - BECAUSE IN REAL LIFE, OUR CONSCIOUSNESS ONLY PICKS UP WHAT OUR MOST IMMEDIATE FOCUS IS, ETC. - AND YES I KNOW I AM PROBABLY FULL OF FECES. JACK KIRBY SPASM: KIRBY NEVER EVER FUDGED A BACKGROUND. THEY WERE AS VIVID AND INTRICATE AS THE FORGROUND, JUST ABOUT ALWAYS. IT MADE HIS STUFF LOOK MORE 3-DIMENSIONAL THAN A MORE LITERAL-MINDED ARTIST COULD MANAGE.

Doc is scary when he's possessed/chanelling an interdimensional demon, but then who wouldn't be? George Clooney.

GEORGE WOULD BOB HIS HEAD BACK AND FORTH SEDUCTIVELY.

It's soooooo strange to see Hulk just sitting there, expressionless. I miss my crazy Savage/Doodle Hulk.

I KNEW IT WOULD FREAK YOU OUT TO SEE HIM LIKE THIS. AND HE HAS BEEN THIS VERSION FOR A WHILE NOW. THE PATTERN AT PRESENT SEEMS TO BE: EVERY FIVE YEARS THEY GIVE HULK A DIFFERENT PERSONALITY, WHETHER IT BE A THROWBACK ONE OR A NEW ONE. AND THEY ARE ALL EVENTUALLY REVEALED TO BE ASPECTS OF BRUCE'S INNER TRAUMA AND HOW HE REACTS TO IT. ALL THE HULKS ARE GIANT DEFENSE MECHANISMS, AND SOME ARE MORE OVERTLY VULNERABLE AND LOVEABLE THAN OTHERS, BUT THEY ARE ALL ATTEMPTS TO COPE. YES I HAVE A MASTERS IN HULKOLOGY FROM CAIMBRIDGE.

Heroim. Sounds Jewish. Are there any other bigtime Jewish Superheroes other than the Thing? There must be. Two thousand years of suffering! I had a potato latke at Canter's yesterday. Seriously.

THOSE LATKES ARE FUCKING AWESOME. YOU TOOK ANNE TO CANTERS? THAT'S HILARIOUS. SHE GETS EVEN MORE HUGE POINTS NOW.

Stupid monsters. - Strange channels my doodle hulk just without the doodle.

Ok, I don't like this icky pointy-handed demon Strange. He would not bring me flowers.

BUT BECAUSE YOU'RE A WOMAN THERE IS STILL A PART OF YOU THAT THINKS YOU CAN SAVE HIM.

Wow, did he just impale him on his spikey hand thing?!

And then he kicked him. Oh boy. This is not good.

Collapsing buildings. This is a pet-peeve of mine. I know, I know. You have to just go with it, but I wish there were more civilain collateral damage, and not like Stamford, but like this, building smooshing the little peoples.

YOU ARE A TERRIBLE PERSON.

AGAIN IT'S WILD TO SEE WHAT BUGS YOU, BECAUSE THEY ARE ALL THE CONVENTIONS THAT YES, YOU JUST HAVE TO GO WITH. BUT THEY DID MAKE IT CLEAR IN EARLIER ISHES THAT THEY WERE EVACUATING NEW YORK, SO THERE'S LESS COLLATERAL TO START WITH. ANYWAY IF THEY DID NOT HAVE THIS CONVENTION COMICS WOULD LOSE THEIR VERY LAST BASTION OF INNOCENCE. YOU WOULD LOOOVE, BY THE WAY, "MIRACLEMAN". THERE IS AN ISH WHERE "KID MIRACLEMAN" CUTS LOOSE ON LONDON AND TALK ABOUT COLLATERAL DAMAGE, IT'S A LITERAL BLOODBATH AND IT'S A FANTASTIC AND HORRIFIC SEQUENCE. PEOPLE'S HEADS ARE UP ON SPIKES, ETC. GOOD TIMES!!!

Come on, Doc! Fight for control. You are going to be soooooo sorry you did this.

YEAH HE WILL BE AND YES THEY DO ADDRESS THIS IDIOCY IN LATER ISHES OF NEW AVENGERS AND SECRET INVASION. YOU WILL BE HAPPY TO KNOW THAT DOC IS A MUCH MORE INTEGRAL PART OF THE MARVEL U NOW, MOSTLY THANKS TO BENDIS. YOU SHOULD SEND HIM A CARD. HE REALLY SEEMS TO DIG ON DOC STRANGE AND HE WRITES HIM VERY WELL, AND BRINGS HIM A LITTLE BIT CLOSER TO EARTH, DIALOGUE-WISE.

Yay Hulk!

Boo Zom!

Oh, this is awful. He's murdelizing him.

Rick bringing the psychology.

Not in the face! Oh, Stephen.

It's a good thing this takes place in New York. If it were in LA, no one would be cause they'd be stuck in traffic on the 405, then they'd leave early.

Wait, people followed from Sakaar? Like they got on an interstellar star tours, stopped in Pizmo and now they're here?

Shirtlessness. I don't know when that happened, but I thank you.

Who said "no". I'm having trouble with the bubbles in this ish.

Again with the huh and the what? Blackbolt's people declared war on America and beheaded an opera patron?

APPARENTLY THEY DID DO SOME BADNESS AND MISTAKES IN THE LAST COUPLE OF YEARS OF CONTINUITY. I HAVEN'T READ THEM IN YEARS BUT I HEAR THEIR STUFF IS TERRIFIC. THERE IS A SPECIAL PLACE IN MY HEART FOR THE INHUMANS BECAUSE MY FIRST ISSUE OF "FANTASTIC FOUR" WAS 131 WITH ALL OF THEM IN IT BEING ALL COOL-LOOKING AND CRYSTAL LOVES ME.

Tom Foster's got a good point.

Doctor Strange dances with the devil. Puh-lease. Is that all that hippy-freakaloon's got? Stephen is an upstanding if sometimes painfully absent citizen.

BUT IMAGINE WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE TO REGULAR PEEPS. AND HE LIVES IN GREENWICH VILLAGE.

It's the Watchmen squid or maybe that six-legge done that attack San Fran in that fabulous Faither Demeurge movie!

I LOVE the idea of Tony without his armour. Now, if they just ex-extremis him.

WOULD LOVE TO SPOIL THIS FOR YOU, BUT YOU WOULD HATE ME. I WONDER WHAT YOU THINK THEY WILL ACTUALLY DO WITH HIM.

Why is this thing going for Doc? He's the GOOD ONE.

Where'd that giant machete come from? Suddenly they have weapons?

It's dead? That was fast.

I really love the idea of Hulk's recreating his misadventures for their dining and dancing pleasure.

YEAH THE "PLANET HULK" GLADITORIAL FIGHTS WERE WONDERFUL.

It's like Bread and Circuses meets Plato's Stepchildren. I wonder if they're going to make Tony and Reed kiss.

SERIOUSLY YOU KNOW THEY WANT TO. AT LEAST REED SURE DOES. I HATE HOW EAGER REED IS TO PLEASE TONY. REED IS WAAAAAY SMARTER THAN TONY. SORRY BUT HE IS. I DON'T BUY REED AT ALL IN THE LAST FEW YEARS. HE AIN'T THE REED I KNOW. PERHAPS HE IS.....................A SKRULL?????????!!!!!!

Meanwhile, back at the B plot, Sentry is stil standing stoicly and doing bupkis to move this sucker forward.

Wow, he can't leave his house. That's sad. Now, get some this guy soem Paxil and let's get er done.

I DO LOVE THE WHOLE IDEA OF A NEUROTIC, INEFFECTUAL SUPERMAN WHOSE SCARED TO DEATH OF HIS OWN POWER. TOO COOL. WHEN HE IS USED WELL (AND HE IS, NEXT ISSUE) IT'S POWERFUL STUFF.

Time to play God. Why not just be God's plucky sidekick?

The unwashed masses stink on ice.

I KNOW! NO WONDER HULK HATE PUNY HUMANS.

How can Stephen even hold that thing with his hands? And can he do a little magic after all? Or is this Zomishness?

HE CAN HOLD IT PAINFULLY. I THINK THAT IS HIS MAGIC. HE'S STILL GOT SOME MOJO.

Yes, listen to pinhead. Mercy.

Oh, Hulk. Be the better man-monster.

Yay Bob!

Oh boy! One more ish. Super funsies!!!

NEXT ISSUE MADE ME GO INTO MY ROOM AND JACK OFF. WELL IT MAY AS WELL HAVE. BY THE WAY I DO KNOW THAT MARVEL ANIMATION IS DOING "WWHULK" AS A DVD. I HOPE IT'S BETTER THAN THOSE GAY "HULK VS." MOVIES.

WORLD WAR HULK #3: BY THE SEVEN SAULS OF CEDARS-SINAI!!!

[A stream of consciousness live-blog]
with commentary from MICHAEL

They're shooting a missile right at his man-parts. I know this war and all, but that's dirty pool.

YOU WOULD DO THE SAME. YOU HAVE BEFORE.

Why is Storm's name X'd out and everyone else's is just crossed out? I'm just sayin'. And why do people say that? "I'm just sayin'." Of course you're just saying, you just said it.

Ross is looking svelte.

HE DID THE SAME DIET DAN MARINO DID. HE EATS REAL-MAN FOOD AND LOSES REAL WEIGHT.

What ish was the saving the planet from aliens and Hulk gets a statue in Central Park? Gotsta reads it.

THAT WAS CIRCA 1983, WHEN HE WAS SMART-BANNERISH HULK AND WAS FORGIVEN, PARDONED, ETC. IT WAS VERY SWEET AND A LONG TIME COMING. HEE. THE HEROES ARE STUPID BECAUSE LOOKEE WHAT HAPPENED.

Why does he look more like the Silver Surfer than the Hulk and what are those boxer-briefs he's wearing and I don't think I ever saw him make that pose

YEAH WHEN HE WAS BANNERISH HE WORE TIGHTY-WHITEY-PURPLEYS FOR AWHILE. WHY THE HELL NOT? FLAUNT IT.

and *sniff* there's Cap in the back ground and dear Stephen who's about to get the rings of raggador wrung outta him.

Hee. Hulk throws his own statue at Thor. How did Doc disappear him? That's another ish I've got to reads.

YEAH DOC BANISHED HIM TO THE NETHERHINTERLANDS FOR SEVERAL ISSUES WHEN HE BECAME ULTRA-SAVAGE-MINDLESS-HULK. HE WANDERED AROUND FOR QUITE A BIT IN THERE. BEST SAL BUSCEMA ART OF HIS WHOLE RUN ON THOSE ISHES AND THAT IS SAYING SOMETHING.

Betty's dead? What the? Wait. Back up. What the? Oh man. You don't read 40 years worth of comics and you miss a little. *sigh*

YES. BETTY DIED FROM RADIATION POISONING. GAMMA RADIATION. COINCIDENCE? NOPES. TOO MUCH EXPOSURE TO BANNER AND HULK. THE ISSUE WHERE SHE DIED WAS PETER DAVID'S LAST, I THINK, AND IT WAS BEAUTIFUL AND SOOOOOOOOOOO FRIGGIN' SAD.

And who is Ross talking to? Anyone who'll listen?

HE'S TALKING TO ALL YOU JOHNNY-COME-LATELYS AND GIVING YOU 40 YEARS OF CONTINUITY.

Yikes! Is that adamantium shrapnel ripping through Greenie?

YESH. IT STINGS.

I guess so. War is hell.

SI. I LOVE THAT THEY HAVE ALL THESE CONTINGENCY PLANS TO DEAL WITH HULK THAT THEY WAITED TO WHIP OUT WHEN HE WENT TRULY BATSHIT INSANE. THIS ALL HAPPENED WHEN BUSH WAS PREZ AND I AM SURPRISED THEY DIDN'T KILL HIM.

Listen to Rick! He's young and hip and soon to be on the animated Gilmore Girls.

YEAH I LIKE HIM IN THIS. THE ONLY VOICE OF REASON ANYWHERE TO BE FOUND. THANKS FOR PLAYING YOUR HARMONICA ON THE GAMMA-BOMB TEST SITE IN YOUR JALOPY, RICK! WE'LL TAKE IT FROM HERE.

Oh, I love the Starbuck's banner at Doc's place! My Bendis arc spoiler was right! [See it here!]

YES THE SANCTUM IS CLEVERLY-SPELLICIZED AS AN EMPTY SOON-TO-BE-STARBUCKS. WAIT 'TIL YOU SEE IRON MAN AND FRIENDS TRY TO BUST IN IN NEW AVENGERS. HEE, THEY'RE TOOLS.

I would not want to be in Hulk's head right now. It'd be worse than living in the Big Brother house.

How'd he pick him up?

OooOooooOoo.... Doc looking sex-ay! All powerful and supreme. And a little scary. "Snuffing out your mortal life"... dang. Doc. That is not cool. We don't snuff.

BUT HE COULD. UNLESS HE DOES WHAT HE DOES BEST, WHICH IS TO SIT OUT THE MOST DRAMATIC EVENTS IN THE MARVEL UNIVERSE AND THINK ABOUT COLORFUL RAINBOWS.

Show me your true face. - Oh, that is heartbreaking!

YEAH IT'S SO COOL THAT EVEN HULK HAS TO ADMIT THAT BANNER IS HIS TRUE SELF AND ANCHOR OF BEING. I'M SO GLAD THEY HAD HIM CHANGE BACK AT LEAST ONCE. THERE WAS A BEAUTIOFUL SCENE IN "PLANET HULK" WHERE HULK WILLINGLY CHANGES BACK INTO BANNER FOR A MOMENT TO SHOW HIS LOVER HIS TRUE SELF. SHE ACCEPTS HIM FULLY AT HIS MOST VULNERABLE. THEN HE CHANGES BACK SO HE CAN DO HER.

So, Doc wasn't astrally projecting himself? He was there, just not there? He's so understanding. I love you, Stephen!

Oh Dear - is right! Crap! OOOOOWWWWWWIIIEEEEEE!!!!!!

Oh man. His hands! That's gotta smart. Oh boy.

COOL, HUH? HE WON'T BE MOISTURIZING FOR A WHILE.

Okay, so he was astrally projecting, but not. Kinda.

His fingers are higgley-piggledy! Oh, Stephen. But, really, it's not like he hasn't been there before. Always the hands.

The Night Nurse has got her work cut out for her. How I envy her!

Stupid army. Where's SHIELD? Isn't it their turn to screw this up?

FWAPP! I love that.

Not ding dong likely, you crazy - How can you not love a man who says stuff like that?

I LIKE WHEN HE SHOOTS HIM THE FACE. IT'S SO ANNOYING.

Ah, Miss Hill. Next!

I want a giant Nosering of Healing!

What's with Abu Ghraib?

Tell it like it is, Prez!

THE HULK-RESISTANCE IS IN ITS LAST THROES. AGAIN.

Listen to Zippy, Hulk.

Shadow Elders? Stoneforce of the Old Power of the Shadow - Help me, I've fallen into The Sword of Shannarah and I can't get up.

I LIKE THE MYSTICAL-ALIEN JIBBA-JABBA. MAKES ANYTHING SOUND GOOD. IT HAS A NAME, MUST BE REAL.

Listen to Rick! Why won't anyone listen to Rick?

'CAUSE THERE'D BE NO MORE MINI AND EVERYONE WOULD GO HOME AND STOP WARRING CIVIL-Y ON EACH OTHER.

Obedience disks. On Earth we call those engagement rings.

Oh, Doc's hands. I can barely look at them.

THEN YOU REALLY DON'T LOVE HIM AT ALL....

That he can't do proper magic without his hands makes me nutty and that he can do ANYTHING, but he can't heal his own hands. Sometimes the constraints of necessary internal logic, no matter how illogical, make me want to throw a hissy.

YOU'RE NOT HELPING HIM WITH YOUR BITCHING AND MOANING. JUST GRAB SOME ACE BANDAGES AND GET TO WORK.

Uh-oh. The box. I don't know what's in the box, but nothing good is ever in boxes in these situations.

ZOM! I remember Zom. That sounds like a new sitcom on the WB. I hope Wong's sending a tweet to the Living Tribunal.

GOTTA GIVE PROPS TO GREG PAK FOR REMEMBERING ZOM AND BRINGING HIM BACK.

Summoning a demon - NEVER good. Never. Has this ever worked for anyone? It's like casting Ted McGinley. Don't do it.

MCGINLEY'S WORK ON "HOPE AND FAITH" IS UNDERRATED SO TAKE IT BACK.

Although, Ted would be a good Danny. Better than Dean. And Jon-Erik Hexum can play the Sentry. Sweet jabippy was he hot.

Rick is one brave so-and-so. If Miek was looming over me, I'd pee.

Strange smash.

Seriously?

Worst. Last line. Ever.

BUT SUCH AN ORGASMIC MOMENT FOR US LOVERS OF OLD-SCHOOL CORNY-60S MARVEL.

I blame Zom.

THE FAULT LIES IN YOURSELF.

WORLD WAR HULK #2: WARRIORS, COME OUT TO PLAY-E-AY!!!

[A stream of consciousness live-blog]
with commentary from MICHAEL

Hulk has really big teeth.

HE GOT CAPS AND WHITENING BACK IN 1997 WHEN HE BECAME "SMART HULK" (AGAIN).

She-Hulk's chesticles need their own zip code. Seriously, they're looking bigger than ever. Like "the giant vegetables from that episode of Lost in Space" big.

YES, AND.....?

And Reed looks like an angry, stretchy, C Thomas Howell. C. Thomas Howell!

HE DOES! MAYBE ROMITA JR. IS A FAN OF "RED DAWN".

Is that Iron Fist? I always picture Dean Butler as Danny. Is that wrong? Oh, Manly. Don't answer that.

IF I KNEW WHO DEAN BUTLER WAS, I WOULD ANSWER. OKAY LOOKING HIM UP.....HAH! PRETTY GOOD ON-THE-NOSE-CASTING. I AM GOING NON-CONVENTIONAL AND CASTING PATRICK LABEARTEUX.

He's being kinda pissy, isn't he? I always read the bolded words in comics with Shatneresque pausing emphasis. I'm sure that's not the plan, but that's what happens. It's always funny and in this case, really snotty. Illusions.

YES THE BOLDIES ARE FOR SHATNERIZING. I HAVE ALWAYS LOVED THEM. THEY ARE A SMALL BUT HUGELY IMPORTANT PART OF THE READING EXPERIENCE, ESPECIALLY AS A KID. THE BOLDIES SORT OF DO SOME OF THE ACTING AND VOICING FOR YOU, IN YOUR HEAD. WHEN YOU'RE READING ANY OF THESE, YOU'RE ALWAYS SIMULTANEOUSLY ACTING THEM OUT - DIFFERENT VOICES FOR DIFFERENT PEOPLE, BUT ALL OF THEM YOUR OWN VOICE. THAT'S THE INNER JOY OF THIS MEDIUM. YOU ARE SUBCONSCIOUSLY ALMOST FORCED TO BE AN ACTUAL PARTICIPANT IN THE STORY AND ACTIONS AND THOUGHTS. A TV SHOW OR A MOVIE HAVE TO GO A LONGER WAY TO ENGAGE ALL OF YOU THE WAY A COMIC DOES. EXCEPT FOR "THE SAN PEDRO BEACH BUMS". THAT SHOW USED ALL OF YOU, ALL OF THE TIME. A LOST CLASSIC AND AN IMPORTANT PART OF STUART PANKIN'S CANNON.

Is that the same Ronin from pre-Civil War? That Maya Conchita Alonzo chicky? If so, she needs to lay off he HGH.

OKAY, IN "NEW AVENGERS" AT THIS TIME, HAWKEYE BECOMES THE NEW RONIN. MAYA-ECHO-FORMERLY-RONIN IS ECHO AGAIN. YOU'LL SEE HER BAD-ASS AND BEAUTIFUL SELF IN ISH 3 I BELIEVE. SO - HAWKEYE IS NOW RONIN AND ECHO IS ECHO.

Okay, so that's her in the Not Ronin outfit. I'm confused. I need to have a drink with Ian McShane. He's just one of those actors you want to have a drink with.

I EXPLAINED ABOVE. STOP PRESSURING ME.

Wow. Trying to nuke Hulk was bad, but just giving yourself over? I'm worried for you, Stephen!

YOU SURE AS SHINOLA SHOULD BE.

Hee. "Children". Ya know, I read that comic "Sleepwalker", the ill-fated Epic comic that was supposedly a set-up for Doc's daughter. She's living in New Orleans and eating crawfish. He's one of the few Marvel characters that I wish had a chitlin. He'd be a great and terrible father. You could never live up to his expectations, but he's a doodle too and can do magic. Imagine the birthday parties.

"DORMAMMU GOT YOU Wii SORCERER'S EDITION. SAY THANK YOU TO UNCLE DORMAMMU!"

He needs a hero.... Footloose flashback.. Bonnie Tyler on the brain now... I wonder who it is? Hmmm. I'm gonna guess that kid Rick whatshisname. Is he still around? He used to listen to him. Is he a hero now? Or is he toast? Or is this some existential thing and the hero is Bruce?

RICK IS ALIVE AND WELL AND FOREVER THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON'S IN HULK'S LIFE. THE ONE RESPONSIBLE FOR BRUCE'S HULKINESS AND HIS BEST FRIEND.

Ah, so he brought the whole family.

Who is the Black Knightish dude calling for the Avengers? Ah, it's Ares. I thought he was naughty. No, wait, that's DC. Poor me another, Ian!

YEAH ARES IS A MEMBER OF MIGHTY-DICKISH-AVENGERS. HE'S A HEAVY-HITTER, IN THOR'S LEAGUE, ALMOST.

Who's the guy with green hair?

DOC SAMSON. GAMMA-EMPOWERED PSYCHIATRIST. SERIOUSLY. AN OLD FRIEND OF HULK'S WHO HAS HAD HULK ON THE COUCH OVER THE YEARS.

Is that Wonder Man? Did he get a bad die job? He looks totally different. I know, I know... it's Wonder Man, but not the old Wonder Man. It's like the different Darins on Bewitched. It's just plain messed up.

YEAH WONDER MAN HAS BEEN WEARING HIS AWFUL 70S LEISURE-SUIT FOR A WHILE NOW. I MISS HIS COSTUME-COSTUME. HERE HE LOOKS LIKE A YOUNG ALEX CORD CROSSED WITH A PIMP.

Cool. Hulks smashing each other.

I FEEL BAD FOR JEN. WHAT A FUCKED-UP FAMILY. I HAVE COUSINS LIKE THIS, TOO, BUT THEY HAVE NEVER SMASHED ME INTO THE SEWER SYSTEM.

Avengers attack? Wtf? It's assemble? Is this some Mighty Avengers thing. Have to make it their own? Pfft. Attack? That's not what it's all about. Boogers.

THEY SAY IT ONCE IN A WHILE. IT'S SEMI-REGULAR. I KNOW, IT'S ANNOYING AND WHY WOULD THEY TELL YOU WHAT THEY WERE ABOUT TO DO? RI RON'T ROW.

Hee. Korg's the Zippy the Pinhead meets the Thing.

YES. I LOVE HIS NAME. GREAT ALIEN-NAME.

Crikey, the Richards are disfunctional.

WITHOUT SUE REED WOULD BARELY BE A HUMAN BEING. HE WOULD JUST CRYSTALIZE INTO A SILICON CHIP.

I love it when the Thing and Hulk fight. It feels almost fair and I'm not worried about boo-boos.

YEAH AND I WOULD HAVE FELT SOOOOOOOOOOO RIPPED-OFF IF THEY DIDN'T DO THE CLASSIC THING-HULK FIGHT. THIS ONE MADE ME NERVOUS, BECAUSE I KNEW HULK WOULD WHOMP HIM. I LOVE THE THING LIKE
I LOVE MY UNCLES AND I HATE SEEING HIM HURT. HE HAS ACTUALLY BEATEN THE HULK ON MORE THAN ONE OCCASSION. ALWAYS MADE ME SO HAPPY. BUT I GET WHY THEY HAD TO DO THIS. HULK OUT OF CONTROL.
NOT YOUR MOMMA'S HULK. BLABBEDY-BLAH.

I THINK JOHN ROMITA JR. DRAWS ONE OF THE BEST THINGS. MY ORDER OF GREATNESS: KIRBY, RICH BUCKLER, JOHN AND SAL BUSCEMA, AND ROMITA JR. HE'S NOT EASY TO DRAW I WOULD BET. NOT THE ROCKS, EITHER.
HE HAS TO LOOK IMPOSING AND SOME ARTISTS MAKE HIM LOOK LIKE TEDDY RUXPIN.

But that had to hurt! My brother boxed my ears once. He also gave me indian burns, horse bites and smacked me with orange matchbox track. My brother was a meanie.

NAH, JUST A BOY WHO WANTED TO KILL HIS SISTER AND TAKE HER PLACE IN SOME TRAGIC GREEK PSYCHODRAMA.

Why pretend to be the Sentry?

OKAY - YOU KNOW THE SENTRY IS A RETCON CHARACTER WHO WAS ONE OF THE FIRST HEROES, ETC. WELL - SOME RECENT STORIES HAVE TOLD US THAT THE SENTRY WAS A GENUINE FRIEND OF THE SAVAGE 60S-70S HULK AND WAS THE ONLY PERSON WHO COULD CALM HIM DOWN. HULK LITERALLY WOULD JUST GET CALM AROUND HIM AND CALL HIM "GOLDEN MAN". TO HULK HE WAS A VISION, OR AN ANGEL, OR A GIANT PLATE OF BUFFALO WINGS. SO THE FF WAS TRYING TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THAT RELATIONSHIP. BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT RELATIONSHIPS ARE FOR.

Oh, Stretch got it, but good. Hulk's making easy work of all of them and I'm only on ish 2... hmmm.....

THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I HAVE FELT FOR REED IN LIKE THREE YEARS. NOBODY DESERVES THAT.

Rick Jones! I kiss myself.

YEP AND I LIKE HIS RECENT DAVID-CASSIDY-ISH LOOK. POINT HIM IN THE DIRECTION OF ALBUQUERQUE.

*sniff* Cap's dead. He woulda found a way to help the Hulk. Gimme another, Ian.

YEAH THAT'S A GREAT MOMENT. EVEN HULK IS WIGGED OUT. THAT'S HOW AWESOME CAP IS AND WILL BE AGAIN WHEN NEW-BUCKY-CAP STOPS SELLING.

I wish you'd been here before. You may go nuts, but nine times out of ten, you seem to hit who ever needs hitting and those guys sure needed it. Wordy McWord!

YEP THAT'S MY FAVORITE PART OF THE WHOLE MINI. IT'S QUINTESSENTIALLY WHAT THE HULK IS AND WHY HE'S A HERO, NOT A MONSTER.

Get out of my head! - That takes me back to all those fabu early Defenders where "Stupid Magician!" would summon Hulk. *sigh* Good times.

YEAH IT'S NOT SO CUTE ANYMORE TO HEAR DOC IN YOUR HEAD WHEN YOU'RE FEELING BETRAYED BY HIM.

Hercules has a team?

YES. AT THIS POINT "THE INCREDIBLE HULK" IS ABOUT TO BECOME "THE INCREDIBLE HERCULES" AND HERC WORKS WITH NAMORITA (SIGH) AND ANGEL AND AMADEUS CHO. THEY'RE LIKE THE NEW CHAMPIONS. DON'T SCOFF. I MISS THE CHAMPIONS AND ISH 1 IN 1975 IS ONE OF THE BEST COVERS OF ANY COMIC. JUST PURE AND BEAUTIFUL.

Hehehehe! General Ross and his four star mustache! Awesome.

OOOO THE ROSS STUFF IS AWESOME. YOU WILL KVELL, ESPECIALLY WHEN HE SUMMARIZES HIS WHOLE RELATIONSHIP WITH HULK IN THE FIRST TWO PAGES OF ISH 3. HE'S BADDER THAN SAM ELLIOT AND WILLIAM HURT BOTH. "THANKSCH FER THE BEER, MIHO!!!" (BAD IMPRESSION OF SAM ELLIOT FROM "ROADHOUSE")

Phew! That was fun!

I TOLD YA YOU HAD TO READ IT. IT'S OLD-SCHOOL MARVEL MAYHEM. THIS KIND OF STUFF USED TO HAPPEN ON A MONTHLY BASIS AND WAS NEVER BILLED AS AN "EVENT". EVERYTHING WAS AN EVENT AT MARVEL. THE HUMAN FLY WAS AN EVENT. THE MICRONAUTS WERE AN EVENT. ROM, SPACEKNIGHT WAS AN EVENT. NIGHT NURSE WAS AN EVENT.

CAN'T WAIT FOR YOU TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS TO DOC STRANGE.

WORLD WAR HULK #1: WHAT ROUGH BEAST...SLOUCHES TOWARDS MANHATTAN

[A stream of consciousness live-blog]
with an assist from MICHAEL

Okay, so I didn't read Planet Hulk, but I know he was on this planet and stuff happened and there was violence and heartbreak and more violence.. you know, Hulk stuff.

PLANET HULK SUMMARY: HULK GETS HOODWINKED INTO A SPACESHIP AND SENT AWAY BY REED RICHARDS, DR. STRANGE, AND IRON MAN. THE THREE MOST DANGEROUSLY UNSTABLE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD, BASICALLY. GOOD CALL!

HULK GOES ALL OFF-COURSE AND INTO A WORMHOLE AND LANDS ON PLANET SKANK, WHERE HE IS FIRST A SLAVE, THEN HE'S RUSSEL CROWE/MAXIMUS, HE EVEN FALLS FOR A GRAY BALD ALIEN LADY AND IMPREGNATES HER ("HULK SMASH PUNY UTERUS!"), THEN THE SHIP HE CAME IN BLOWS UP AND KILLS HIS WIFE AND LIL' BABY AND LOTS OF EXTRAS.

HULK BLAME ILLUMINATI JERK-WADS SO HULK HEAD BACK TO EARTH TO SMASH EVERYTHING FOREVER.

He's got that escaped from the sanitarium haircut I so loathe, some stylish gladiator accoutrements and the fight-the-power fist of repressed rebellion goin' on. Cool.

The Savage Planet of Sakaar. Why do alien races use to many vowels? We could seriously kick their ass at Scrabble.

Stabbed him, burned him and ate his very flesh - apparently he was on Celebrity Apprentice. Come on. Admit it. You watch it. Who could pass up a chance to see Joan and Melissa Rivers every week?

Oh boy. The Illuminati's gonna be sorry. Hulk doesn't need oxygen?

HIS LUNGS CAN GO FOR HOURS IN DIFFERENT ATMOSPHERES AND PRESSURES. UNTIL IT'S CONVENIENT FOR THEM NOT TO.

Girded. Hee.

Frankly, I hope he makes a mess of the Inhumans' moon base. They need to be knocked down a peg or six. I got yer mists right here!

I KNOW YOU HATE THEM AND THINK THEY'RE ARROGANT, BUT MEDUSA SHOULD BE SPARED, BECAUSE OF HER HOT 70S-PURPLE FANTASTIC FOUR OUTFIT.

See, I like Blackbolt and his pouty sensuous mouth, but I'm rootin' for Hulk here.

GOOD CALL.

The only thing I remember from my high school science classes is that Pluto is the smallest planet in the solar system. Wait a minute! But I have seen a lot of movies and I thought there was no sound in space. Because, in space, no one can hear you scream, right? So, how how come Blackbolt's scream is working, sorta?

BECAUSE THERE WOULD BE NO STORY IF IT DIDN'T. AND THE MOON HAST TECHNO-CREATED ATMOSPHERE JUST FOR THEM I'D WAGER.

LOL, they just turn their backs and walk away. I don't think so.

Wow, this smart hulk is going to take some getting used to. He's projecting and expositioning. I miss my doodle hulk.

YES YOUR DOODLE-70S-DEFENDERS-DUMB-HULK IS LOOOOONG GONE BY THIS STORY. SERIOUSLY, LIKE 25 YEARS GONE. SINCE THE 70S HE'S BEEN SMART, THEN SAVAGE, THEN SCHMAVAGE, THEN BRILLIANT, THEN GREY, THEN PISSY-VEGAS-MOBSTERY, THEN SAVAGE, THEN JESSICA SAVITCH, THEN SMART AND PISSED AGAIN.

Ah, he was a gladiator. Boy, he'd be sumptin'.Although, I gotta say, my money'd be on Oliver Reed. Okay, maybe not. Off to the Elysian Fields with me which, btw, is a much nicer place than Elysian Park. Go Dodgers!

FINALLY, THIS BLOG WILL GET AN INFLUX OF REGULAR READERS, THANKS TO YOUR OLIVER REED REFERENCE.

Ah, some backstory... I feel like I'm suddenly in a Karl Edward Wagner novel. Hulk is Kane. Hey, did Frank Frazetta ever do a painting of Hulk? That would be coolsies.

HE MAY HAVE. IN THE 70S EVERYBODY DID ACID AND HULK PAINTINGS.

It's actually pretty nice of him to give New York 24 hours. Now if it had been New Jersey...

NEW JERSEY WOULD NEVER LET HIM IN WITHOUT AN EZ-PASS.

Blackbolt does not look well. He's kind of melting.

HIS KISSER IS ALL SCHMOOSHED AND SCHMASHED.

Here's hoping that Tony also gets a fistfull of hello from Hulky. I'm still so pissed at him.

I BLAME EXTREMIS.

Yay, Doc. Please don't hurt Doc. Even though I'm still pissed at him too... I'm fasting in the Artic. Blahblahmystephenwouldneverdothatcakes.

CAN'T WAIT 'TIL YOU SEE HIS CONFRONTATION WITH DOC. IT'S TERRIFIC AND CONTINUITY-DRIVEN.

Hey, there's an idea. Try to solve a problem and not ignore it.

His comrades? Doc has comrades who might be arrested. Clearly I've missed something.

YES. AT THIS POINT DOC IS OFFICIALLY A NEW AVENGER. HIS LINE-UP/COMRADES: IRON FIST, BLACK COSTUME SPIDEY, LUKE, SPIDER-WOMAN, RONIN/HAWKEYE. YOU WILL MEET THEM SOON IN N.A. AND LOVE THEM.

Ah, Deus Ex whatever they need him to be - Sentry.

YES. BUT HE'S USED WELL HERE, TRUST ME. AND IT GIVES ROMITA JR. A GREAT EXCUSE TO REALLY GO TO TOWN LATER ON.

"A word please." - I wonder what that's all about. Private talks with Tony these days never lead to anything good.

Spiderman's got a new outfit. For why? Too many costume changes. Give me the red and blue, please. He looks like venom in this getup. That's right, I said, getup.

HE'S "BACK IN BLACK" FOR THE THEN-CURRENT STORYLINE. DON'T WORY ABOUT IT, HE'S STILL THE SAME SCHTICKSTER. JUST IN BLACK TO EXPLOIT "SPIDER-MAN 3" AND THE MID-80'S.

She-Hulk. Pfft. Green-skinned Ann Coulter wanna-be. Be gone!

SHE'S AWESOME AND YOUR WORDS CANNOT HURT HER. ANN COULTER, I MEAN.

Our telepaths will locate you... J. Zeus, that's creepy.

An orderly evacuation of all of New York? It takes me an hour to get out of the parking lot at Gelsons.

They should cover the ground with puppies and kittens.

I hate this. In the old days, which for me was about 2 months ago, I would have cheered Tony's speech. I would have found it heroic and now it just sounds like bad PR spin.

I DO THINK HE MEANS IT, THOUGH. HE IS ACCEPTING RESPONSIBILITY AT LEAST. IT'S SOMETHING.

How did he inject Hulk? That must be one hell of a needle. I guess a vibranium needle might do it. Ok, forget what I said.

YES, VIBRANIUM OR ADAMANTIUM WOULD GET THROUGH. YES, I AM A FAKE-METALLURGIST.

Wow. Tony.

Ah, so his planet hulk wife died in a susplosion. The one he blames the Illuminati for. I get it. And, I would have thought they would never ever do that, but I've no doubt that was Tony's (and sadly Reed's too) plan all along.

YOU'LL SEE. IT'S FUNNY THAT YOU HATE THEM SO MUCH AT THIS POINT THAT YOU THINK THEY WOULD PLAN SUCH A HORRIBLE THING. IT SAYS A LOT ABOUT WHAT A HORRIFIC AND HATEFUL HUMAN BEING YOU HAVE BECOME. WHY DON'T YOU JUST SIGN ON WITH TONY AND HUNT DOWN YOUR FRIENDS WHILE YOU'RE AT IT....BETTER YET, JUST A BUST A CAP INTO STEVE ROGERS.

Cool. So much for Stark Tower. What are the Avengers (or is there even an official Avengers any more?) going to do? They should just rent a Winnebago from Lyle Waggoner like Shazam did.

AT THIS POINT THERE ARE NEW AVENGERS AND MIGHTY AVENGERS. SUMMARY: THE NEW AVENGERS ARE AWESOMELY COOL, AND THE MIGHTY AVENGERS ARE DICKS. TWO GREAT BOOKS.

Well, that plan worked well.

It will be good to see Hulk smash Tony for a few issues. But, I'm eskeered for Doc.

YOU SHOULD BE!

S'all for now!

CIVIL WAR #7: IT'S ALRIGHT TO CRY, CRYIN' GETS THE SAD OUT OF YA...

[A stream of consciousness live-blog]

Props to Rosey Grier, who, btw, I was lucky enough to meet and spend some time talking to. He was like living sunshine. Truly of the completely awesome.

Ok.

Deep breath.

Here I go...

Pfft. Avengers are good guys! They were anyway. To me.. *sniff*... they still are.

Yay, Cap!

Boo, Iron Man!

As long as SHIELD's on the other side, we have a chance. You'd think they had Captain Parmenter at the helm. I take that back. He was nice. SHIELD is all of the poopy. And Ken Berry is too simply fabulous to have anything to do with them. Is there anything he couldn't do?

Hee, go Spidey! Yikes Lady Long Fingers is creepy!

Hehe, Cloak's real name is Tyrone! Tyrone always makes me think of that great running Laugh-In sketch with Arte Johnson and Ruth Buzzy on the park bench. Would you like to play spin the bottle? *whack*

Oooo, that's coolsies. Cloak dropping everyone out of the sky.

No civilian casualties, eh Tony? I hope there's an upcoming ish where he's fighting someone and a bus full of blind girl scouts on their way to donate bone marrow for the handicapped explodes because of something he does.

Of course, they've got the baddies ganging up on Cap. I hope you're happy, Tony! This is the world you want to fashion? Fashion? Hee.

YAY! Namor and the, I still don't know why they're blue, Atlanteans! Go you fishies!

Go, Vizh! I love you even if you aren't you or are mostly you or maybe even just a little you, but I loved the old you, well, not the old, old you, cause that wasn't you, but the you from before this you is the you I love!

I so want Herc to destroy CloneThor. Seriously. Not even a biocircuit left.

Who's the gray skull guy - serious 80s flashback - He-Man! Master of the Universe! Maybe that's Skeletor on loan from Mattel. Fabulous secret powers were revealed to me...

Ok, Stretch gets points for the flying "Nooooo!" leap and taking one for Sue, but he's still on my list.

At least it (he?) has the good sense to wet his pants.

What did she do to him?

Thou art no Thor! - Thank you, Lloyd Bentsen!

Yay, he punched him so hard his circuits popped. I hope that's the last I see of him. What am I thinking? This is Marvel. And, Tony has that idiotic Initiative to cram down everyone's throat. What better crammer than CloneThor?

Oh boy. I can see it coming. Cap's winning. Tony's got almost no defense. Is Cap going to ease off and that's what... I can't even say it.

Huh? Who are those guys? Regular Joes who are sick of seeing their lives turned upside down and their city destroyed? How dare they!

Ohmygod. Cap is crying. Note to all the men out there. This is one of those sexy cries. Not one of those, my man is such a wuss cries. Punisher cried about his lost family. That's ok. That's healthy and can be wicked sexy. Cap crying because this is as disastrous as CBS trying to broadcast professional sports is okay too. It's not too Alan Alda, but it's sensitive. It's just dipping it's manly toe into the waters of sensitive. Of course, a man like Cap - well, he's all MAN. But I know some of you wonder what the hell we wimmins want. You might wonder if we don't want you to be crybabies how the jicama can we find so-and-so crying hot and beautiful. Well, all I can tells ya is... I knows when its when I sees it. We all do. We wimmins is just like that. Feel free to submit your crying stories and I'll tell you if it was sexy or not. :p

And, we're back...

I LOVE the idea of The Moment, but the pacing didn't work for me. Cap's realization transition was too abrupt. Just another few panels and maybe a line or two... Maybe I just haven't read enough comics and I'm still disgruntled by the abruptocity of some?

For the record, Reed's crying about the cockup he's made of his life is a good thing, but better heard about than seen. I'm just puttin' that out there.

What in the holy hell is Miss Clairol doing in that panel? I hate her with the passion of a thousand fiery suns.

And WonderMan? He's the Fabio of the Marvel Universe. I can't believe it's not better. Hee. Get it? Better? Butter? Ughghghgh.

As an aside, thank TPTB for that stuff. My duodenum will probably petrify at some point and mysteriously be discovered in Damascus by the Naked Archeologist, but for now, it makes feel like I'm one of those women profiled in Self Magazine. Forrest Yoga is my salvation!

Ok, I take back what I said about Reed. He didn't learn nuttin'. How can someone so smart be so dumb? Sure, Bernie. I'd love to invest my life savings in your ponzi scheme. He seemed to be coming around or circling around coming around - why did they just drop that? Damn potential arc droppers!

A small band remain underground - Luke Cage, of course. He da man. And Doc? Now you've decided to play? I'm pissed. You may buy my love with a chocolate croissant or a snikerdoodle cupcake from Yummy Cupcake (Galactus' fave!) and we'll talk.

Is Spidey all in black now?

Oh, Cap. *sniff* I just want to bundle him.

If you ever questioned Time magazine's choices for man of the year... behold - Hank Pym - wrecker of lives and hitter of wives... and what the hell is T'Challa doing shaking his hand? The hell???

Oh, Sue. :( Take the kids and leave him! For reals.

Director of SHIELD. Perfect, Mein Furher.

Hee... okay, he gets points for asking Miss Hill to fetch him some coffee.

Wonderful. They have 57 more craptastic ideas.

Smug, sanctimonious bastard...

And scene.

Click here to dig on some Rosie from Free To Be... You and Me.

CIVIL WAR #6: MARVEL'S DRIVING ME TO DRINK

[A stream of consciousness live-blog]

Hill and Pym - double-grrrrr.

Mormon heroes in Utah? Mustn't make joke about about magic underwear.

Spaceknights heading for Chicago? Are they stopping the in the 1980s on the way?

How rich is it that Crazy Hank is saying the public deserves heroes they can count on. Don't other heroes deserve heroes they can count on?

I'm going to POP! Reed gets immunity for Sue and Johnny? How hypocritical can these guys get?

Ah, the Punisher. Just watched his movie. That was one ginormous violent trope in a box. I love Ray and don't know doodle about the Punisher, but it felt like an R-rated Dick Tracy. Is that how it's supposed to be? Kind of goofy? The Jigsaw stuff was silly, like Danny Devito as the Penguin silly.

I guess if you like a character intro that has: a broken back, a beheading, a broken neck, and another, a knife to the brain, compound fracture to the arm, stabbed, another knife to the brain, slit throat, 3 shot in the chest, spinning machine gun fire and a dozen dead, chair leg in the eye socket/brain, bullet in the chest, another in the chest, bullet to the brain, 2 more in the chest, double shot to the brain, then this movie is for you.

I guess shooting people in the head is his thing, huh?

God, I love Namor. Nobody does the indolent king slouch better.

Man oh manschewitz, I wish Cap were making a deal with Stephen. *sniff* From your pouty lips to God's ears, Subby!

He is day-amn sexy.

Goldbug? Plunderer?

Wow. Punisher just... kills. Wow.

Boy, he's brutal, but he gets big points for not fighting back against Cap.

YAY! Doctor Strange. Please, please, please end your exile and come back and talk some sense into these maroons!

No food? Come back and I'll take you to Denny's. It's on me.

Ok, I HATE these sorts of rationalizations. Doc acts like he isn't a human being, like he's of a different nature than the rest of humanity and super-humanity? Be above it and not influence it? Bull with the shit. You influence it with every step you've ever taken on earth, with every bad guy you've ever fought, with every friend you've ever made. And now? Now, when they need you, you can't get involved? I call magical BS on this entire thing. Monique has spoken!

A true master would be able to have his powers and not use all of them. Cap doesn't hit as hard as he can, Doc can and should be able to do the same. Or at least try. The not trying is KILLING ME.

Moving on because this really toasts my muffin!

Thank God the portal to the Negative Zone has a big 42 in it. Wouldn't want to step in the wrong giant portal and end up in 26 or heaven forfend, 12. They're animals in 12.

Boy, Sue's invisibility power is handy dandy! I would sneak into Laker games.

Oh, crap.

Stupid Tigra. Take your blackberry and don't darken my door again!

Hulking? Again with the oy on that.

Cool. Free the prisoners! Attica! Attica!

Crap, crap, crap, crap. I hate this. I hate that this is going to happen. I hate that Tony and Reed don't see the abomination they've created. Who wants a Pyrrhic victory? Just looking at who is on what side... how could anyone want to fight on the same side as Tony and Reed's horde of the damned.

Damn. Have I mentioned how much I hate this?

Man. I'm dreading reading the next one. Nothing good can possibly come of it. And Stephen's navel gazing while his friends - his friends! - are going to kill each other.

Sheesh.

I need a drink.

CIVIL WAR #5: COMING TO HIS (SPIDER) SENSES

[A stream of consciousness live-blog]

Punisher is doing bad things. Hey, did his movie even come out in the theaters? Me love Ray Stevenson long time. Oh, Titus... Rome, damn that show was violent, but I miss it.

Okay, opensies...

Sue does not look well. I hope Johnny's given Reed the finger too.

Stupid SHIELD. Seriously, they make me crazazy. So disrespectful. You catch these clowns yet? We're talking half the FF here! Clowns? Oh, I'd like to give that Tom Skerritt circa Top Gun wannabe a kick in the brass.

Nighthawk, I'm still cranked at you for what you said in the alley a few issues ago. We never forget! Who the heck is Stature? Stature? Seriously?

Tony's late. Maybe he fell and hit his head and came to his frakkin' senses.

Oh, no senses coming to.

You tell him Petey!

Btw, if I were one of the heroes who was gonna be carted off to the negative zone, I'd register. I'd get all my friends to register. I'd convince all of the heroes who were in the NZ to register. I'd do everything Tony wanted and then I'd form an army and kick Tony Stark's ass.

Ooo, Tony has the Marvel Crazy Eyes.

I am sooooooooooooo relieved Peter saw the light and is gettin' out, or at least tryin' to.

I'm beginning to think SHIELD is messing things up on purpose. I mean no one is that Barney Fifey all the time.

I still CANNOT believe they are going to use these baddies to hunt down supers.

Spidey better take off that new suit. I'm sure it's bugged, tracked and god knows what else.

I wish some of these Spidey Sewer fight panels were bigger. I needs my bombast.

Wow, a Gwendy reference. I wonder what's up with that. *sniff* Stupid MJ.

Pumpkin pie!

Was that a sword or some kind of ray thingy?

Yikes. Skull face guy is Donatella Versace scary.

Mr. & Mrs. Landau. Couldn't find brother and sister identies? Come on. It is creepy. Now, if it were Pietro and Wanda... I miss crazy Wanda and her shifty brother. God, I love how naive and wonderful the Avengers were when they joined. Pietro put on his best ski sweater and wrote them a letter. A letter! And Thor wasn't a clone, and Cap was slightly crazy wtih his Zemo/Bucky obsession, Hawkeye shot off arrows and his big mouth, but you could count on him, Hank was only a little crazy, Jan wasn't used to being abused, and Tony was a hero. Dang, I miss those Avengers. I know they were goofy, but they were earnest and they loved each other and I loved them. They would never pull this crap on each other. Sometimes making characters three dimensional sucks.

Poor Cap. He's still in tatters... Love and hope and sex and dreams...Are still surviving on the street...Look at me, Im in tatters!

Hulking. I will never get used to that.

Titus Pullo saved Spidey, who also looks not so of the good. Man, this Civil War stuff is brutal.

What a strange panel with Cap screaming for the medic chicks.

Linda? Is that the Night Nurse? I'm gonna have to reread The Oath. God, I loved that. Was one of my first Doctor Strange stories. I'd read a few early Defenders and Michael recommended the Oath... ten kinds of fabulous. *sigh* I think I'll bring Doc a scone this time and surprise him.

Ultra Girl? Oy. It's official, they've run out of names.

Oh, Tigra is texting or tweeting or doing something blackberry bad. Ah, she's calling Tony.

...Big final battle planned with all those lunatic thunderbolts. - Yeah, that's gonna go off without a hitch. Come on, Reed. Rub those braincells together. Write an algorithm to calculate how incredibly stupid that plan really is.

I've got to believe DD was caught on purpose and is going in to break out the supes! Maybe the guards are part of Cap's team. They've got to make a move soon!

Oh, burn. Good one, DD!

Tony's Initiative scares me even more than all this build up. It sounds so organized. *shiver*

That's it for this ish!

NEW AVENGERS #24: MELAMINE, NOW AVAILABLE IN COMICS

[A stream of consciousness live-blog]

Sidd "Sentry" Hartha

Zen and the Art of Retcon

Even though it's an audacious marketing ploy, I love the idea of the Sentry.

It really bugs me that the Inhumans are so darn uppity.

Why are T'Challa and Storm the ONLY ONES trying to put an end to it all? Makes me nutty. Don't even get me started about Doc. Again.

Maybe this issue will explain it to me. And maybe AIG will give back all that money.

Did Bob eat some peyote? Did I eat some peyote?

Maybe it's the mists? Maybe it's that Arby's Beef & Cheddar I left in my car all afternoon then ate anyway.

Maybe the Inhumans are just dillweeds.

Impurities? Ugh. Now they sound like Nazis. I don't understand it. I've really liked Blackbolt in the bits I've read. I know Crystal was ok, even though she blew off Johnny for Pietro. But, really, I don't know anything about them. And what I'm seeing here. Not liking. Not heroic. Not Scandinavian. Just icky.

Bob is polite. See, now, Bob, I like.

Ok, we get another recap. *sigh*

The art is lovely, but... let's pick up the pace here, people.

Oh, Crystal gets around. She's not Black Widow, but...

Isn't Bob married?

Ah-ha! Lindy! See.

Ugh. Iron Man. I used to be so excited to see him. Almost the same thrill as Cap. And now, my stomach just sinks. I know I'm going to get a fistful of rationalization and ego-cententric moralizing. I'm sure it's different when you have to wait weeks between issues. When you read them so quickly, like I'm doing, damn it's the same notes over and over like a Miley Cyrus song.

Ohhhh, killing Cap. I admit that I know Cap dies. Don't know any details, but the fact that he is no mas is kinda hard to miss. I'm absolutely dreading getting to that. I can't quite believe it and part of me hopes I'm just wrong and that it's all an elaborate hoax to fool lil ol me.

The reflection of Bob in IM's armor is creeeeeepy.

His righteousness is sooooo tiresome. I would consider myself an Iron Man fan. Granted, I've only read a small percentage of the issues, but they're just killing this character for me. I've lost all traces of the hero I adored. Where is the man? He's just some rhetoric spewing automaton now. Maybe he's a clone gone wrong like Thor or a skrull or part of my regretful trip to Arbys.

I know. I'm so impatient. And, I guess they can have fun redeeming Tony at some point, but the waiting will kill me. It's not that I want him to be perfect. I want them all to be flawed, it's far more interesting, but this is beyond flawed, it's a different, to me, character completely. I barely recognize him. If here weren't in the armor, I wouldn't. I hope they have a few humanizing issues with him. He's got to be sooooo tormented, but they're not showing me. Dagnabbit, show me!

Hmmm, maybe the Inhuman uppitiness will be useful here.

Or not.

I hope Bob goes back to earth and kicks Tony in the repulsor ray and heads off to fight with Cap.

That was a gyp. Truly, that was a scene from a book not a whole book. That's two "filler" issues in a row. I blame China.

I hope they get back to making hay again soon.

NEW AVENGERS #23: SPIDER-WOMAN AND HER GINORMOUS INNIE

[A stream of consciousness live-blog]

I'm waifish and work part-time at Hooters.

I know when I'm feeling vulnerable and confused. I find a crappy hotel room strip down to my skivvies and see what I can catch from the sticky sheets. Capital I... Ick.

I hate that there are two Jessicas in the current storyline. I'm easily confused and bright colors mollify me.

Hee.. Fury looks like a refugee from an old Doctor Who in those first two panels. Jelly baby?

He's being pretty casual for Covert Ops brain wipe master. Just knocks on her door? Has he ever just knocked on someone's door?

Figures. It's a fakey. AI, clone, Jonas Brother... God, they are annoying. If I were a Marvel God I would put a five year moratorium on using any of them.

Even through someone else's lips Maria Hill is a beotch.

It is only fair that they should have a scene where Cap fights in just his tighty-whities.

Again, let me re-establish my utter contempt for Miss Hill.

Iron Man's codpiece is looking, well, more like a banana sling than armor. And if you know what I'm referring to, you've been to San Tropez too many times.

Flippin' Tony. Has he really lost his heart? I liked Tony. Granted I haven't read several decades of stuff, and he was always arrogant in the extreme, but this... he's not human.

Who's attacking?

FSHOO? BUDDABUDDABUDDA? I know the sound effects are tough, but... budda budda?

Are these Hydra peeps?

I guess so.

Hee. Love the panel with the muscle dude in nike dolphin shorts. God, I wore those for years for volleyball. Where's my Le Sport Sac?

Stupid SHIELD.

Where is she? Who's he? Why do I care?

Zzzzzzz.

Finally. Enough with the jibber-jabber. I love good dialog, but that wasn't it. Sheesh. Was only two pages, but...

I guess she doesn't mind the whole killing thing. No code there.

Yay, Cap and people I know and give a crap about! It's so good to see you.

But, she just saunters in? Note to resistance: you should at least lock the door.

Ugh, now she's crying and going all Officer and a Gentlemen. Cap's a doodle so he'll take her in, but pfft is all I have to say.

Happily moving on to next ish...

CIVIL WAR #4: EAU DE CLONE

[A stream of consciousness live-blog]

Thor!

Is the Falcon blind in one eye? When did that happen?

Gordon Bennett! Thor would never say that! He'd kick their butts if he had no other choice, but he'd do it with deep regret and talk about it the whole time.

I have no idea who you are Dagger, but I feel you. Time for an exit stage right.

Wretches? Yikes. This is unnerving.

Oh, Cap looks awful. Tony, stop this madness!

Go Herc! Throw that big... thing at him!

Non-human attack registered. - So, so, icky.

Wow. Did Thor just blow a hole, like a real hole through Goliath? Dear God. What the hoodahey is going on??? Stephen, hold me.

YAY SUE! Finally woman! Now, you need to kick your husband's stretchy ass.

Oh no, he di'nt. It's a freakin' robot? And Richard Wagner? Like Vahgner Wagner? Elitist snobby... poopypants! Oh, he makes me so mad. Not as smart as you thought you were, huh, stretcho?

Dang.

Get out now, Spidey! Swing away! Swing away!

Even Uatu thinks you should.

Figures Pym had a hand in this.

Ok, so he's a clone (should have known that I guess) and not a robot. The whole clone thing makes me nutty. It's a pandora's box that I just can't stomach. It's just an endless masssive "yoink". Pfft.

Okay, forcing acceptance and moving on.

Great panel and expression on crazy Hank's face. You know he's been hoarding DNA too.

Peter, wake up and smell the coffee. Hank is one of the main perpetrators of this disaster. He didn't choose a side, he helped create one.

Lordy, Cap's a mess.

Nighthawk! Come on, dude. You are so not the Kyle I remember.

I can't believe they aren't more galvanized to fight the power. Sissies!

He's just another old man afraid of the future. - Is he talkin' about Cap? Cause if he is, I'm gonna have Trish Starr punch him in the face with her one good arm.

Christ on a tricycle, who is that ski-masked man with the crazy eyes? It's giving me Zemo shivers.

This is making my blood boil! I need Doctor Strange and a cup of tea.

YAY SUE 2! You go, girl! He is a fascist.

Great panel with his postcoital stretchiness. And Thing watching her go. *sniff*

Uh-oh, a Fifty State Initiative. Another grand plan. I don't know much about the Thunderbolts, but trusting Zemo? Nevah! Glueface or no Glueface, he was a Nazi. People...

Seriously, how far gone are these people? They just killed one of their own and now they're sending out bad guys to get Cap et al? And they somehow think that's a good idea? I don't buy this. I want to. I know part of me has to, but deep down, I just don't believe it. Tony is an ass, and he's got an ego the size of Michigan, but this...? I don't believe he would do it. La-la-la-la, I won't believe it.

But, he's doing it.

Harrumph.

CIVIL WAR #3: DO YOU HEAR THE PEOPLE SING

[A stream of consciousness live-blog]

Ok, back into the fray proper. I read, tried, to read most of the off-shoots, but many just confoozled me and trying to figure out the proper reading order is nigh on impossible.

So, when last we left, Peter had revealed is true, and cute self.

God, Reed Richards is an ass. It needs to be said. Hasn't checked on Johnny, doesn't call his wife. Pfft. Ya see? T'Challa is wise.

Finally, Doc's place! Aw, crap. He's gone. To his Artic Lodge... Artic Lodge? The hell? I guess maybe if it's all Shangri-La in the Himmies, but if we're talkin' actual Arctic, we need to talk. And fasting? Hay-ell with the no. I might cut down on carbs for a week, but fasting? Stephen, honey, we need to talk.

I wish I were above it all, like him. But, I'm not. I'm petty and vindictive and would want to man the barricades and sing songs from Les Miz.

Truthfully, I'm so bummed that he's sitting this one out. I guess it makes sense from a how do we handle someone with so much power standpoint and kinda from a "it's spiritually repulsive" standpoint, but I also have trouble accepting that he's not trying to stop it, that he's not trying to be a peacemaker. The Doc in my head would have tried diplomacy to create some sort of tentative peace while they figure out who's behind all this and what's really going on here. I mean, that's one of his bestest skills - getting people who otherwise wouldn't to work well together. This is the man who got Namor and the Hulk to play nice (mostly). He's the Dag Hammarskjöld of the Marvel Universe. Dag Hammarskjöld, ladies and gentlemen!

Well, poop. It could be so cool, but noooooo... He's just "gone". Crud.

Tony's still a dog.

This is the first time I've seen Emma with an almost actual shirt on, well, something that covers her breastseses anyway.

Again with the continuity... in Iron Man, Happy just... man.

Who the heck is M in Eye?

You know, the Les Miz thing.. Tony really has gone all Javert. It's creepy.

Hee... Cap is Paul Blart, Mall Cop. DD looks so youthful. And Herc! Did you know that when I was a little kid we had a handy man named Hercules who was this huge Greek stud who, I later found out, was also a porn star. True story.

Aww...Make-A-Wish kid? Could Cap be more of the fantastic? Seriously, could he? No. He could not.

Poor Johnny. He looks like crap.

Damn that Stark!

Let SHIELD do it, that way I know they'll get away.

Cap you sneaky devil!

Who is the glowworm guy?

Oh my... the buck teeth on Cap in the "You shouldn't have taken down two of my boys, Tony." panel is priceless. Steve Rogers is... the Nutty Professor. Yah-hoi.

I can't believe Spider-Man just rabbit punched Cap and quipped while doing it! I feel barfy.

Holy Crapcicles. Tony's beatin' the bejesus out of Cap. And there's a flying tooth. I'm sorry I asked about it earlier.

Go Herc!

Ok, who or what is codename "Lightning"? They keep name dropping so you know it's important.

Odin's Beard!

Well, that answers that. Oh, that's bad news for the resistance, folks.

I'm afraid to read ish 4, but I will because I love.

S'all for nowsies.

NEW AVENGERS #22: TEACH YOUR CHILDREN WELL

[A stream of consciousness live-blog]

Yay Luke!

Tony, Tony, Tony... "Your sordid past is all be swept under the rug..." Wow, sounds like the kind of kind of government I want to work for! Come work with us and we'll bury your dirty little secrets. What kind of a country... never mind.

Carol Danvers... pfft. I don't like you, Miss Clairol.

Once again, Luke tells it like it is - short and sweet.

I never saw Mississippi Burning. I know I should, but I don't wanna. I saw Sweet Home Alabama, but I guess that doesn't count.

You're twisting this and I won't hear it! Hissy Fit, table for one. Wow. If he starts talking in the Royal We, I'm outtie.

Ok, I wasn't going to say anything the first time, but what the hell is up with the bright blue dots on the baby's face? They're making me crazy.

FIGHT THE POW-WAH!

*I raise my tiny WWI surplus-size fist in as much revolutionary support as my WASPishness can muster* Cause the closest I've ever gotten to revolution, cause that's another movie I couldn't finish, is watching import DVDs of Citizen Smith. Power to the People!

I mean, really, Al Pacino in the American Revolution? Down with the Stamp Act. Hoo-ha!

You go, Luke Cage, bringer of truths and kicker of asses!

Awww, saying goodbye. *sniff*... he's gonna be a great dad. I pity the boys who come callin'.

And, it makes no sense whatsoever that Canada is somehow hallowed ground and SHIELD and whatever evil agencies are employed in the pursuit and capture of naughty supers will just get to Niagra Falls and say, Oops, can't go there. Government, schmovernment. We all know the Canadians are in cahooties with the US in all the things that count. We send them fruits and vegetables and they send us oil and Robert Ito. Robert Ito, ladies and gentlemen!

Dear God in Heaven what is wrong with that child's eyes and teeth in the "What are you gonna do?" panel.

SHIELD is at the door. I predict they get their sorry asses whipped. Again.

There goes Luke's shirt. Again.

Yay for the crazy neighbors and their animal crazy sawed-off shotguns.

Ooooo... is that DD's billy club, and for some reason I always first think "billy goat" and that's totally different and wouldn't be quite so effective.

And Cap's shield. Now, THAT'S a shield.

Super-duper awesome. I know the artists are just pushing my buttons with those ridiculous heroic poses, but my buttons, they loves to be pushed.

I hope you all take this beating as an opportunity for introspection. - F'in great.

SHIELD summarily whipped.

The revolution is on. Viva Zapata! Now, that movie, I've seen.

CIVIL WAR #2: DON'T BE STUPID, BE A SMARTY...

[A stream of consciousness live-blog]

Cap Goes Underground, soon to be a sticker by Shephard Fairey.

Okay, the vulture I recognize, but who's the other bloke? Bloke? I'm suddenly British. Pish-toss and bugger the Queen! Must be all those scones Stephen's been bringing me from the Astral Plane Bakery.

Oh, I guess it's the Grim Reaper. He's not so scary! Is he gonna come for me now? I'm so young.

Boo! on Agent Hill and her L Word hairdo.

I'm glad Cap's not alone. No one should be alone. Except maybe Kate Hudson. You can't find yourself in a man, honey.

Save people from a few doombots and the past is forgotten. All they need to do is stage a few more events like this and rehab that image.

Holy sweet Jesus, She-Hulk's booty should have its own library card.

I don't really know anything about Tigra. Can she change or does she always look like that. Finding outfits must be hell.

Ohmygodthatisthecutestthing - The Thing all doodley with the Richards' chitlins.

Wouldn't it fun to mess with Reed and sneak in and erase just a tiny bit of his whiteboard every day. Man, he's a smarty-pants, but he's making Pym look like a the stable one.

Speak of the Devil... and 42, a little Hitchhiker's Guide shout-out? Do the kids say shout-out anymore or is there some new slang, like ping. Did you totally see that ping on The Secret Life of the American Teenager? That was totally a ping. Do the kids say totally anymore? God, I'm old. Bring me a scone, Stephen.

Susan, Susan, Susan.. I know you love him, but what sort of life is this? Take the kids and skedaddle. He won't even notice.

What will you do, JJ, when your dreams come true?

I love the way some artists really capture Spider-Man's spaztastic grace. He's so fluid, and yet, all cattywampus too.

Oh Tony, listen to that little voice of doubt.

Here's the Patriot kid again.. they're grooming him like Josh Hartnett. Let's hope this time works out better.

Well, he gets points for distance. That was one helluva jump.

Hey! They're rounding them up and putting power repressers on them just like on Heroes. You don't mean Heroes is r-r-ripping off Marvel mega-events in a vain chase to regain ratings glory? Uhhhhh....

More exposition by red shirt who doesn't sense the GOD next to him.. ok, he's not technically a god like Thor, who I still wonder about, but he's a God to me. *sigh*

So 42 is a super-cage building, just like on Heroes where.. ok, I know....

Heehee.. this is your exit, buddy!

For the record, I tried that "iwantobesomewhereelse" spell at a screening of Nights in Rodanthe. Didn't work.

I wanna live in SHIELD Safe House 23!

Oh, Thing... you don't have to be on Reed's side. It surprise me that he's not spoken against the "witchhunt"... no offense, Wanda.

Wow, Peter. You did it. Your heart's in the right place, but... oh, boy.

Teehee! Jonah fainted.

Great googley-moogley. The sides is drawn, and the battle's begun. It's so sad, but good readins!

NEW AVENGERS #21: HANK PYM MAKES A BAD CHOICE... AGAIN

[A stream of consciousness live-blog]

Poor Cap. Who knew he could draw. Of all of them, being cut off must hurt him the most. His family is kerschpluka.

Is that a retcon of Cap's discovery in the ice? The IM armor is all wrong. Or is Cap's memory all a jumbley like Logan's was/is/will be?

Wow, quite a rant there by Cap. I have to say, it's true mostly, but that late night comedy news is a better source than most.

What the hell is a Capekiller and what the hooda-hey is wrong with Cap's pants?

Capekilling as in killing people who wear capes? That's awful.

Is Cap dreaming? Cause I'm stuck in Whatthefuckville. Is this the safe house or just some "abandoned warehouse"? Damn you, Reading Order Gods.

Yay, Falcon. His BFF.

No love lost for Tony.

Ok, at what point in the melee did Cap change his boots and pants? Not that I'm upset he got rid of those horrid pants, but what the hell?

I'm down, brotha. I ain't buyin' what they're sellin' and I ain't movin'. Right on!

At least he grabbed his nifty Cap shirt, which I still think looks like fish scales.

Cap is so forgiving and understanding and doodley! He understands Peter's choice and regrets that he wasn't the one to help him... *sniff*.

So, Sentry's ship.. it's there, it's not there.. wtf?

Grab your stuff and a bunch of ants... - Hee!

I didn't think you thought that much of me. - Wow, does that speak volumes.

Oh, Highpockets. You big lummox.

And here they are, ladies and gentlemen, a day late and a dollar short, your SHIELD agents at work. Pffft.

Hmmm, I wonder who is next? Cap looks angry and constipated. I'll have Doc bring him a bran muffin.

CIVIL WAR #1: FORT SUMTER

[A stream of consciousness live-blog]

Okay, opening it up...

I'm filled with nervous anticipation and broccoli as I start. I am told this is an “event”, like the Red Sea parting or a bra sale at Loehmann’s.

Nitro? From American Gladiator to super-villain, how the mighty have...risen.

Speedfreak almost took down the Hulk? I don't even know what he can do, but I call bullshit on that.

Ah, some sort of reality show. Must that crap invade even my fantasy world? Damn you, Mark Burnett!

Driving around the Midwest looking for goofballs to fight? Dude, have you been to Venice Beach? Shhhhhhhaaa!

Namorita, as in Namor's little cousin Namorita? He must have disowned her by now. She used to be not completely annoying. Has she always been blue? Is that henna? Oy and glug-glug.

Ok, I don't know who the chick who "marked" them was, but for the love of my sanity, what the hell is with the thong showing above the juicy c. sweatpants? Let's just keep that a Secret, Victoria. It's like wearing a sign that says "Two Bits, Joe". Underwear should be under your clothes. It's like a whole thing. That outfit.. something MJ would wear. Nuff said.

Blood and people pieces fly in these fights, but where are the teeth?

Wow.

Big susplosion.

Cool, a comic cold open.

Who's the big black dude? Another Goliath? Hank in blackface? I cannot keep this stuff straight.

When did Tony's boots start having that cloven hoove thing happening? Creepy. And, does Cap have a toadie that carries around a tattered American flag and tosses it at his feet for photo ops? And what's with his boots? Who designed the footwear for this issue? Caps boots are clunky and the foldover is out of control, they look like uber bellbottoms. Call Bruno Magli! I know this is a serious scene, but fashion isn't just for fun.

Cap either has spittle or a cold sore on his lip. Was the Black Widow in town? I'm just sayin'!

Since when have the Sentinels been babysitting the X-Men? After the Wonderful World of Wanda? Next week, be sure to watch The Computer Wore Tennis Shoes, starring Kurt Russell and Cesar Romero!

Ah, it is some kind of Goliath. But, I shall call him Captain Obvious or Senor Expositionito.

Is that She-Hulk on Larry King? He's gotta be a Skrull.

Wow, spitting on Tony. Damn. That always makes me think of To Kill A Mockingbird. “There's a lot of ugly things in this world, son. I wish I could keep 'em all away from you. That's never possible.” Oh, Atticus. I need a moment.

And, there it is.. the blood of children line...I owe myself $5.

Flippin' JJ! He's a machine and who is that scary MoFo on the right of that panel? He needs some Burts' Bees stat.

Wow, so now they want Supers not just be registered, but to pass basic tests. Interesting. I don't need the costume no more, ma! They got them testes and such.

Wow, Johnny Human Torch is a brat. I always thought of him as cocky, but decent. This is ugly.

Getting cracked on the bean with a bottle isn't cool, but man... could he have been a bigger asshat? Flame On, Johnny Storm.

Party at the FF's.

Stephen. Hello! May I take your Cloak Of Levitation?

Is that Hank and Jan? I thought he was black now.

Post-humans? That's an icky way of putting it. How about Unevolved Losers?

Wow, is Tony truly fully on board the HU(SH)AC train?

Hee, the Thing called Logan "stumpy"!

Nighthawk! Is that my Nighthawk? Having your brain out of your body for three issues can really change a man. (Peace out, Chondu!) I've missed you, Kyle, and your bazillions. Buy baby something nice?

Who's Patriot?

Cap! I'm always so happy to see him. Is it just me?

Boo.... Miss Hill. Respect the badge...piffle.

Oh snap, Cap! You tell her!

Oh, no they dinnint! SHIELD is so retarded. Yes. I said it and I meant it.

Damn her to hell is right and get Cap some Tiger Balm.

Every time I see SHIELD they're like the Army chasing the A-Team. Completely inept. I know, I know, they're actually really cool soldiers blablahhoorahcakes... and Cap is Da Man and half, but, they never get it right. I guess I need to read some old Howling Commandos or something because these guys are rubes.

On the other hand, Cap is beautiful in battle.

Keep flying, son and watch that potty mouth. Could I heart this man more?

Uatu.. he's very changeable in size, isn't he?

His presence does not bode well. - You ain't whistlin' dixie, doc!

Tell me a story. Tell me the story of Cap's 1970s throwdown with the government when he went all Nomad n stuffs.... Pleeeease?

Oh, Tony. And Reed and crazyass Hank too! All the brains. Well, that's three biggun's anyway.

Leave Captain America to us. - Oh, crappydoodles.

Oh man oh Manischewitz, this is going to be painful, but interesting. Can't wait to see who falls on what side and why. Tony they've explained pretty well. Reed likes order, I suppose. Wonder if Sue will agree. Doubt the Thing will. Hank, he's crazy so who knows. I guess he's projecting his own need for control onto others. Something tells me Jan is going to side with Cap. Peter, will he stay with Tony or go with your hero and mine, Cap? It's pretty clear where Doc Stephen My Future Husband stands - he's disgusted by the whole affair. Logan, no question where he stands. Luke's got to be against it.

And, one thing I'm wondering..WWTD? What Would Thor Do? He's pretty straight laced and has that royal lineage thing happening, but I guess he'd excuse himself from the human hullabaloo and retire to Aaaaasgard for some mead while we mere mortals tear our lil old selves asunder.

And so it begins.