Monday, March 8, 2010


HULK DRUNK.

REST OF FESTIVITIES A BLUR. HULK STILL HAVE FLASHES OF BEN STILLER DOING SO-SO.

ANYHOO - "HURT LOCKER" WIN BEST PICTURE AND DIRECTOR. JEFF BRIDGES WIN BEST ACTOR FOR FIDDLE MOVIE. SANDY BULLOCK WIN AND GIVE ADORABLE SPEECH.

HULK WAITING FOR POST-SHOW COMMENTARY FROM MARIA MENOUNOS.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

COSTUME AND TECHIE AWARDS PORTION OF EVENING. HULK IS GOING TO DO SOME SHOTS OF YAGERMIESTER. HULK LIKE YAGERMIESTER.

BEST COSTUME LADY JUST SAID "SHE ALREADY HAD TWO OF THESE (OSCARS)". HMM. HULK HAVE SUGGESTION: GET YOUR SNOTTY ASS OFF THE FUCKING STAGE.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS COMING UP. HULK HAVE NO IDEA WHO IS IN THIS CATEGORY. JAKE GYLLENHALL ONSTAGE WITH GIANT BALL GOWN.

BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY: HULK IS GETTING UP TO GET MORE CHIPS.

HULK BACK.

"PRECIOUS" WIN. HULK HAS NOT SEEN IT BUT OPRAH KEEP TELLING US ALL TO SEE IT. HULK DOES NOT KNOW WHY, BUT WHEN OPRAH SAY TO SEE SOMETHING, HULK DOES NOT GO. HULK STILL FEELS TOTALLY SCREWED OVER BY ALL "THE SECRET" CRAPOLA. HULK WILL FIND AND SMASH EVERY ONE INVOLVED WITH THAT VAT OF NEW AGE SNAKE OIL. YOU WATCH.

HULK LIKE QUEEN LATIFAH. HULK DOES NOT KNOW WHAT COUNTRY SHE IS QUEEN OF. BUT COUNTRY MUST BE PRETTY AWESOME.

JEFF BRIDGES WITH BEARD LOOK LIKE STAR OF "DARK KRIS KRINGLE" ORIGIN MOVIE.

LAUREN BACALL LOOK GREAT.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS: HULK HAS FINGER CROSSED FOR PENELOPE. HULK ALSO ADORE ANNA KENDRICK IN THAT AIRPLANE MOVIE.

WINNER: MO'NIQUE FOR "PRECIOUS".

HULK IS COOL WITH THAT. BUT HULK IS STILL DEFINITELY NOT COOL WITH "THE SECRET". REPACKAGING OCCULT TECHNIQUES FOR ADDLED MASSES MAKE HULK MAD.

COLIN FARREL LOOKING TEN YEARS OLDER AND PASTY. WAIT....HULK SORRY. THAT IS COLIN FIRTH.

MMMM. CAMERON GLISTEN LIKE RAINBOW. CAMERON SHINE LIKE MORNING SUN. CAMERON UNDERSTAND HULK. HULK SIGH.

BEST ANIMATED FILM: "UP".

QUEL SURPRISE! EVEN HULK HAD MONEY ON THAT ON THAT ONE. HULK SEE LOU GRANT IN AUDIENCE. DID THEY MAKE "LOU GRANT" MOVIE, BASED ON TV SHOW? HULK MISSED IT. HULK WOULD CAST MICHAEL CHIKLIS AS NEW, YOUNGISH LOU GRANT IN REBOOT.

MILEY CYRUS AND BLONDE GIRL ONSTAGE. MILEY CARRY ALL HER TENSION IN HER SHOULDERS. MILEY NEED ALEXANDER TECHNIQUE. WOULD MAKE HUGE DIFFERENCE.

BEST ORIGINAL SONG: SOMETHING WITH A FIDDLE FROM "CRAZY HEART".

HULK HATE THE FIDDLE. REMIND HULK OF BAD EXPERIENCE IN OZARKS. DON'T PRY OR HULK WILL SMASH YOU.

HULK LIKE TINA FEY. HULK LIKE THAT TINA STRIDE SHOW BIZ LIKE COLOSSUS WHILE SKEWERING SHOW BIZ AT SAME TIME. HULK PISSED THAT SHE'S PRESENTING WITH IRON MAN, THOUGH. PUNY STARK ALWAYS TRYING TO HURT HULK. HULK DON'T MEAN TO BE BITCHY, BUT STARK DRINK. A LOT. HULK JUST SAYING.

BEST SCREENPLAY: "HURT LOCKER"

HULK HAS NOT SEEN "HURT LOCKER". IS IT MUSICAL?

MOLLY RINGWALD AND FERRIS BUELLER SHOUT OUT TO JOHN HUGHES. HULK MISS JOHN HUGHES.

MCCAULEY CULKIN LOOK SAME AS MCCAULEY CULKIN LOOKED IN 1991.

SAMUEL L. JACKSON ALWAYS YELLING. WHY HE SO MAD? HE MAKE MORE MOVIES THAN MICHAEL CAINE. MORE TV MOVIES THAN DENNIS BOUTZEKARIS. HULK SAY CHEER UP.

HULK LIIIIIKE ZOE SALDANA. ZOE PRETT-Y. HULK WOULD TAKE HER TO SIZZLER FOR CHEESE TOAST, THOUGH. ZOE NEED SOME CARBS. HULK DOES NOT KNOW WHO IS STANDING NEXT TO HER AND HULK DOESN'T CARE.

BEST ANIMATED SHORT: HULK DOESN'T CARE. AND MAKER OF SHORT SHOULD NOT WEAR TIE SO LOOSE. THIS IS OSCARS, NOT NOSH AT NATE N' AL'S.

PUNY GIRL NEXT TO ZOE HAS BRITISH ACCENT. HULK ALREADY BORED BECAUSE HULK GUARANTEES MOVIE SHE WAS IN HAS PEOPLE IN CORSETS STANDING AT WINDOWS LAMENTING ARRANGED MARRIAGES. OY.

HULK JUST MISSED LATEST AWARD FOR DOCUMENTARY SHORT. BUT WINNERS ONSTAGE SEEM AS HAPPY AS HULK IS TO SEE ZOE SALDANA.

BEST LIVE-ACTION SHORT: HULK BORED.

OH, MAN. HULK THINK BEN STILLER THINK BEN STILLER IS VERY FUNNY. HULK WILL REFRAIN FROM OBVIOUS JOKE ABOUT THOSE BEING BEN'S REAL EARS.

BEN KIND OF BOMBING NOW. HULK SAD. AND ANGRY.

BEST MAKEUP: "STAR TREK". ZOE SALDANA IN THAT MOVIE. HULK LIKE ZOE.

HULK HAVE CHIPS AND SALSA AND RC COLA AND IS WATCHING 2010 OSCARS!!!


HULK JUST SAT THROUGH SEEMINGLY ENDLESS RED CARPET INTERVIEWS. HULK ANNOYED. WHY EVERYONE THRILLED TO BE HERE? PLACE IS FULL OF PUNY HUMANS.

WHY MILEY CYRUS SO SERIOUS ALL OF A SUDDEN? IS HULK SUPPOSED TO THINK "OH, MILEY SERIOUS NOW. CAN PLAY SERIOUS ADULT ROLES"? HULK DOESN'T THINK SO. HULK SAW "THE LAST SONG". HULK WAS MISLED BY TITLE. MORE SONGS CAME.

SHOW START NOW. PUNY STARS ONSTAGE. SANDY BULLOCK (HULK CALL HER SANDY BECAUSE SHE LIKE HULK'S MOVIE, SAID SO AT SCREENING) LOOK GREAT.

MERYL STREEP JUST WON OSCAR FOR STANDING ONSTAGE.

DOOGIE HOWSER ONSTAGE. SINGING. HULK CANNOT GET PAST DOOGIE'S SHINY JACKET. DOOGIE LOOK LIKE LIBERACE CIRCA 1954.

PUNY STEVE MARTIN AND NOT-SO-PUNY ALEC BALDWIN TAKE STAGE. STEVE THINK GLASSES MAKE HIM LOOK SMART - LIKE PUNY BANNER!!!

ALEC EITHER WEARING TRUSS OR LOST EQUIVALENT OF TWO BALDWIN BROTHERS.

HULK HAPPY CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER THERE. PLUMMER IS THINKING MAN'S BRADFORD DILLMAN.

HAAAHHH!!! JAMES CAMERON JOKES FUNNY. HULK JUST SPIT OUT CHEDDAR POPCORN.

QUENTIN TARANTINO LOOK LIKE HE SWALLOWED JACKIE BROWN.

WHO TAYLOR LAUTNER? HE LOOK LIKE HE NEED IMMODIUM, STAT.

HULK LLOOOOOOOOVE PENELOPE CRUZ. HULK WOULD DEFINITELY "BE ITALIAN" FOR HER. HULK FEEL WARM AND FUNNY.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR WINNER: CHRISTOPHE WALTZ, "INGLORIOUS BASTERDS"

HARVEY WEINSTEIN LOOK HAPPY. HULK LIKE TO SEE HARVEY HAPPY. HARVEY IS ONLY PUNY HUMAN THAT SCARES HULK. HULK ONCE SAW HARVEY THROW A CELLPHONE SO HARD IT LODGED INTO ASSISTANT''S THROAT. ASSISTANT MAKES CALLS NOW BY PRESSING NECK. HARVEY SMASH!

OY. HULK HATES SITTING THROUGH POMPOUS INTROS TO CLIPS. RYAN REYNOLDS NORMALLY SO FUNNY. HULK THINKS SCARLET JOHANSEN MADE HIM LEAVE FUNNY AT HOME. SCARLET HAVE NICE -- WAIT! ANNOUNCER JUST SAY CAMERON DIAZ COMING UP. HULK MUST FRESHEN UP AND LOOK HULK'S BEST!! HULK LOVE CAMERON!!!! WHEN CAMERON SMILE, HULK DOES NOT WANT TO SMASH - HULK WANTS TO MAKE HULK'S FAMOUS PECAN SANDIES!

BEFORE HULK LIVE-BLOG 2010 OSCARS...

HULK MUST KNOW: DOES HULK LOOK FAT IN THIS PICTURE?

HULK MOISTURIZED AND DID COLON-CLEANSE, BUT HULK IS VERY INSECURE AROUND HOLLYWOOD PEOPLE.

DO NOT TELL HULK TRUTH IF YOU THINK HULK LOOKS FAT. IF YOU DO, HULK WILL SMASH YOU.

Friday, March 5, 2010

THE THING IS A NEW AVENGER; WORLD SOMEHOW NEW AND RIGHT AGAIN


In the entire history of the known universe, one social and cultural ill has finally been addressed and rectified: the rehabilitation of Benjamin Grimm, The Thing. The epitome of grumpy-but-loveable Level-10 power in the 60s and 70s, the last couple of decades had reduced him to mere comic relief, and for a guy who's gone toe-to-toe with The Hulk every other Tuesday, his strength has been downplayed or lessened to the extent that my sainted Aunt Mary, at age 97, could take him down after a couple of Harvey's Bristol Creams.

But good things come to those who wait. Benjamin is gonna be a New Avenger in the upcoming "New Avengers" series, which by all rights should be called "New New New Newish-no-Wait-New Again Avengers".

Brian Bendis seems to have really enjoyed his brief forays into Thing-dom in both the regular and Ultimate universes. I may even fork over the $17.99 this comic will cost, if I can't sneak a read at Border's. Just when I thought I was out - they pulled me back in!!! (please channel Al P. in "Godfather 3" for previous sentence).

Cross your fingers. May New A-Ben-ger cleanse the palate from the "FF" movies and years in the wilderness. It's Slobberin' Time. Sigh. I tried.