Saturday, March 7, 2009


[A stream of consciousness live-blog]

Harry Hamlin is Perseus. Harry Hamlin! Seriously.


Raise your hand if you think the Watcher will interfere?

Also, he's got very shapely legs.

Are some of those Cosmic Entities actually just heads? I mean, all the time? I love the purple Edward G. Robinson one. Yehn, you can dish it out, but you got so you can't take it no more.

Good thing Thanos remembers his blocking. Fist raised defiantly in classic 3/4 stance.

Galactus's head gear looks so unwieldy. And a bit showy really.

Who is the tiny head in the scraggly circle? He needs a new agent.

They keep emphasizing Nebula. If she doesn't play a major role before this over, I'm going to pitch a hissy.

Yay, Doc. I can't believe with all of his power and smarts they have him watching this on closed-circuit orb.

Oh, he gets to locate stuff too. *sigh*

Ok, wasn't Doc there when they tried to recruit Eternity et al? What did he think was going to happen when they joined the battle. He's so shocked he's gratuitously using his catchphrase, but come on... He should be deadly serious and sexily steeling himself. But nooooo.

Pretty explosion. Would make a wicked cool black light poster.

Ah, Mistress Death is the giver of life. How's that work exactly? And she's immune to reality? Ok, I know.. going with it.

What exactly does Warlock do? So far, it seems anyway, without Surfer he'd be out of this.

Earth jarred lose from its orbit... I don't think the dimension distortion cascade really matters here.

Interdimensional scavengers! Like CAA or Endeavor. I kid. I kid because I love. Call me.

I have no idea what's happening, but the colors are incredibly vivid and beautiful in this end of the universe battle.

Mistress Love and Sire Hate. I think Hate is a cross-dresser. Your secret is safe with me.

Mephisto thinks he can just saunter in and deglove Thanos? It can't be that simple.

Poor Surfer. He's an emotional wreck throughout this, isn't he?

Oooooo, Eternity. He is soooo cool.

Warlock is linked to the Infinity Gems in ways the writers haven't thought of yet.

Hee. Doctor Strange still standing there even though Earth was knocked out of its orbit.

Seeing Thanos as Eternity is creepy-beepy.

Go, Nebula, go!

Hee. She took the glove off. Damn, it was that easy.

For her revenge, she banishes him? Come on. With an eternity to think on her vengeance and that's what she comes up with? Amateurs.

I hope his need of Doctor Strange's mystic talents goes beyond being a travel agent.

Oh, Surfer. Why is someone always rushing in when they shouldn'ta oughta? And, is just me or is Surfer looking like he's been taking HGH?

Go Doc! Make sure you collect your commission.

Hee. Now, they're all sitting around talking. It always cracks me up to see characters like Thanos, sitting in a chair like they've just popped over for tea. Pass the sugar, you world hungry maniac.

Oh heavens. Warlock pulls an In Treatment and Thanos falls like a house of cards.

I wish I knew Nebula's back story. I don't understand her animosity or why she chose that outfit. I mean with her blue skin tone she should go with a burnt orange and tangerine for daytime.

Well, at least Doc's out in the field finally! Looks like Warlock might come in handy in the end with his gem linkage. We'll see.


Friday, March 6, 2009


Runny nose, dizziness and DECREASE IN SEMEN.

These are actual potential side effects of a drug I keep seeing ads for called FloMax. I have no idea what it's supposed to do or help you with, but in the ads a bunch of white-haired but still-vigorous 50ish men first look like it really, really hurts to pee, and then suddenly they are smiling like they all dropped a bag of hammers out of their urethras.

Anything that passes through your oboe and makes it easier to pee but ALSO DECREASES YOUR SEMEN probably has stuff like high fructose corn syrup and aspartame in it.

Now, the possible side effects they report are the ones that cleared the legal department. They COULD NOT HIDE the fact that this drug possibly decreases your semen. How many test bunnies did it take to reach this conclusion? "Sir, ALL of the bunnies are depressed and cannot get an erection. We even brought in a bunch of hot girl bunnies, and nothing. BUT, I'm happy to report, they all pee like Florida Skunk Apes. Just friggin' gallons of the stuff. You know who'll like this drug? Handsome, 50-ish men. Who do we have to blow at Health And Human Services?"

Is this what happens as soon as you join AARP? Do you wake up and say to yourself, man, I would really like to pee more easily and efficiently, and oh, throw in a lowered sperm count, too. Because I'm not peering deeply enough into the abyss yet. Make me unable to get excited by Tina Louise, too. Thanks, FloMax!


[A stream of consciousness live-blog]

And now we rejoin the melee already in progress...

NotThor, Firelord (why don't the other elements get to be superheroes?) , Namor and his amazing space-speedo and Iron Man in really awkward looking armor are about to take on the Cheshire Cat.

You know what's cool. Thor throws his hammer, IM sends off a repulsor ray or maybe Charlotte Rae (imagine the damage she could do!), Firelord shoots a fireball thingy but Namor - he just throws himself! Awesome.

So far Operation Cannon Fodder is going as planned. It's a fight against all odds... and now Ann Reinking will ruin that song forever. Again.

Is Mephisto yanking Thanos's chain here or what? I guess that's really his power though, isn't it? The silver tongued devil.

And, seriously, all this for a woman? On behalf of my sex, y'all need to reassess.

A 0.05% chance. I can hear the boards in Vegas flip. I need to go to Vegas again soon. I need a watered down drink in a plastic bong so big I could sublet it.

It's only Nebula? Good god man. This poor woman is damned to live like something out of the Weta workshop and all you can say is "Oh." You, Eros, are on my list.

I hope Nebula is freed and kicks his ass.

Ya know, Thanos's floating castle in space thing looks like that game "Don't Break the Ice". Remember? You'd put little ice blocks into this frame and then put a little fisherman guy on one, then you'd take turns whacking on the ice cubes till the little guy falls. Good times.

"This creep"... oh my kingdom for savage/doodle hulk! He's just so much more fun! Dumb purple face make hulk angry.

I keep confusing Vizh and the Surfer.. damn the design team to hell and Detroit.

"Away from me, you clowns!" Apparently being a god did not improve his vocabulary.

He turned Namor and She-Hulk into the Snuffleupagus. I always thought Snuffy was cool but I have to admit he scared me a little. I was always afraid he was going to step on someone.

Stupid Doom. Figures.

Eric Masterson...boy, I really did miss a lot skipping several decades.

Adamantium bone transforms into spongy rubber.. Eww.

You tell him, Surfer!

Mongo just pawn in game of life.

Wow, Wanda's bikini cut is riding high!

Ok, fins! Time out. Terraxia shouldn't be able to fight. And, note to Thanos, that's NOT going to endear you to Mistress Death. Just sayin'.

Cyclops. I've got to read some X-Men to purge the boring movie Scott from my mind. I hear tell he's a great character, but god was he flat as a 12 year old girl in the movie. Like Doom. I've read enough to know how awesome and fun he is. If I only had that craptastic version from tragic FF movies...

Ok, is Albino Vision el stupido? Why didn't he make himself all not there and stuff? Was Thanos too fast for him? Thanos doesn't look fast. I mean he's probably fast for an inside linebacker, but he's not built for speed. I wonder how he did at the combine.

Oh, even though he's Albino and not my Vizh.. I hate to see his guts yanked out.

Has there ever been a movie with an Albino hero? I mean they're always villains. The twins from Matrix, Silas from Please Buy My Next Book Even Though It's Derivative, I mean The DaVinci Code, the guy from Foul Play.. and of course, the Morlocks, who I totally don't blame for eating the Eloi. I'll have to google and see if there's been an albino hero...

That was a reaaaaaally long 60 seconds, Eric Masterson. Now, Bat Masterson. That's an awesome name.

Yeah, I guess the whole, let's leave the one who cast the spell that lets us breath behind idea wasn't so hot, was it? Why did they leave him? So he could coordinate or communicate or something? Well hells bells. I ain't seen none of that.

Oh, so now you give a crap about Nebula. Sort of. You're still on the list.

Finally, Spidey's in the fray. What the hell has he been doing?

Ok, what happened? Square as in cubes. What are all those? Is that Nova? The hell?

I know it's all going to be "reset", but I hate there are so many reminders that it's going to happen.

Quantum Bands. I wonder what they do.

Okay, not much apparently.

Cap is so awesome. Great series of panels.

The Surfer misses his mark? What? I call BS. He's got one thing to do. ONE... and he misses? Not my Norrin!

Ooooo, the big guns. Coolsies.

Eros is a sissy and I hope he gets his.

S'all for now. Next up, Astral Conflagration. Put some Witch Hazel on it and it'll be fine.

Thursday, March 5, 2009


[A stream of consciousness live-blog]

Okay, again with the same beat. I know, I know, they have to do that for those who join our program already in progress, but sheesh. We get it. He's all Death, you is my woman now and she's all De-nied. And he's all Mars Blackmon Please baby, pleasebaby, please baby, baby baby please!And she's all got her own groove and don't need his sorry ass. We get it.

I think Nick Fury is using that "Just for Men" hair crap or something. He's got that orange hair thing my TV news anchor does. Why doesn't someone tell him he looks like a bad Paas easter egg?

I love how Marvel manages to raise the stakes even when the Universe itself is in peril from the get-go. Genius.

A never ending ice age? That would blow. I get cranky with June Gloom. I don't even like to think about Seattle much less...*shiver* Canada. A never-ending ice age? If I'm trapped with John Leguizamo forever, I'm gonna kill myself.

Doc's place is a mess. What the hell does that servant bull thing do anyway?

I, too, sense the tremendous powers gather for a final confrontation. To strike out prematurely could prove disastrous... and cut into sales. This is a six issue mini, people, we've got to have filler first!

And away they go...

First clue that's not Thor, he calls Adam "Mr. Coppertone".

The Black Widow. She's here to help. No really, and break your heart. And maybe give you an STD.

Wow, they killed that lady dead.

Go Doc! Make that clarion call. Use Skype!

I don't like Bitchy Hulk. I want my Savage Hulk! *pitches a very unbecoming fit*

Doom is such a pain.

We pause a moment to give Moon Knight a completely pointless solo.

A Cosmic Gathering. I had one of those in college. Don't tell my mom.

Coolsies! Uatu, always ready to interfere, bless him! Eternity, who I think is one of the absolutely ginchiest designs evah! The Living Tribunal - wow, this takes me back. Ok, it takes me back a few months, but still! Neato Bandito!

If what Thanos is doing isn't a cosmic crime, then what is?

So the Watcher says he's just there to observe, but five'll get ya ten...

Good thing the Surfer has a long board. He'd look like a doofus on a Fish.

Ok, remind me to kick the Watcher's ass if I'm planning a sneak attack.

Aww, Hulk and Wolvy all cute and palsy.

Oh man, what a goofy panel with Terraxia. It's like she's walking out of stage for the Sonny and Cher show!

A breathing freely in the vacuum of space spell - another handy one!

Places everyone!

Sacrificial lambs. God, I would kill for one of Phillippe's french dips right now.

Well, the battle is almost joined but since we're just a the midpoint, something's got to put the kibosh on the dance. Hmmm...

S'all for now!

Wednesday, March 4, 2009


(PR Newswire - March 4, 2009) - Television ratings juggernaut "American Idol", a combination reality-show/nationwide talent contest, is still on the air, according to the TV that's blaring right in front of my face. Only, the thing is, no one really cares anymore and Paula always looks hopped up on X and Harvey Wallbangers anyway. Probably because of "Vibeology".

"I have no idea who's competing or what the fuck is going on or who the new younger hottie next to Paula Harvey Wallbanger is", said most of America, while nursing a warm beer and pizza rolls.

"Why do I need to watch a bunch of Gen Y-ers audition for a show I don't care about with songs I hate?" said the rest of the country, while hunting down and breaking their old Air Supply LPs in half.

"Also, that Simon guy? The Brit? He has man-tits."

The "American Idol" offices at Fox Studios could not be reached for comment, because no one called them, because no one gives a rat's and they should bring back "Herman's Head" and "Beans Baxter". Those shows were awesome.


March 3, 2009 - (AP Wire) - Bloated conservative spokesman and radio host Rush Limbaugh ate chili fries and declared on his nationally-syndicated program this morning that he hopes that "Superman, Jesus and Santa Claus fail."

Nibbling on a rack of veal chops, Limbaugh railed against the wasteful spending of Superman, whose Fortress Of Solitude is curently in receivership. Limbaugh then asserted that Jesus thought He was more famous than Rush, with a truly international audience, and "needs to be taught a lesson". In regards to Santa Claus, Limbaugh provided little detail on the cause of his displeasure with the jolly gift giver, but entertained his loyal audience of 20 million listeners with the story of his own first Christmas as a child, where he woke up to no presents and was told by his parents that there's no Santa, get used to it, and then they beat him and he ate a lot of cake later that day.

Spokespersons for Superman, Jesus and Santa Claus did not return phone calls. Limbaugh likes pies and can eat a whole one without chewing once.


[A stream of consciousness live-blog]

Let us pause a moment to appreciate Cap's tuchus. Like Michelangelo's David, that's a hiney I shan't soon forget. God Bless you, Cap!

Ok, moving on...

By Odin's Beard! Thor has a beard. He looks like Merlin Olsen. By the way, despite what you may have heard, Father Murphy was not a spin-off from Little House on the Prairie. I'm glad we cleared that up.

Why is She-Hulk dressed like Debbie Gibson? Shake your love. I just can't shake your love. Shake your love. I just can't shake your love... Good times.

Albino Vision? Wtf? Seriously. Whose brainchild was that?

Quasar? Epic? Man, I'm lost.

Again with the Kree/Skrull blamage.

Ah, Stephen. Thank the Vishanti, you're here. Hold me.

Pymsie! God knows what he'll have in mind. Maybe his Yule Log persona this time? Hee! He was no help at all. There for like 5 seconds then he has to jet the Left Coast. Thanks for nothing, Yule!

Ok, and again with the... what the hell.. who is the green Taurus Bulba? This issue is making my spleen hurt.

Coolness with the spirit being called to the astral plane of silhouettes and stuff.

Oh, man, who is it? I wanna knoooooowww!

But, if Stephen trusts him. I trust him. For now.

I'm actually relieved to see Doom is still Doom.

Eros has very girly eyes. He looks a little like one of the Pontipee Brothers. Big cyber-kisses if you know who that is!

Oh, thank you for labeling the gallery of Disappeared Supers! Puck? I wish Luke Cage were still around.

Ah-ha! He's not the original Thor or Merlin Olsen. It's Dan Haggerty.

The Ceremonial Eyepatch of Sorrow did I immediately don-- I can't stop giggling. The Jockstrap of Concern...

Oooo, Manitou? Remember when that thing came out of Susan Strasberg? It has been 400 years since it's last reincarnation.... It kind of moves sometimes... The soul of Black Magic is waiting to be reborn. Starring Michael Ansara, Stella Stevens and Tony Curtis. Do yourself a favor and watch it. Behold the greatness of this film

Sorry, back on track...

Ok, the Sky-Fathers are full of a lot of trash talk, but I don't see any action.

Epoch is... unfortunate looking, isn't he? Hard to get a date I bet with the other floating heads with that eyeball sticking out of your ear.

Ohmygod an ALF joke.

Ok, Pip and Hume Cronyn are after Thanos. Good luck with that. With 4 issues to go, you're screwed.

How the hell did Doom get there and why does Doc look blue? Not cool.

Warlock. He's got the hair and the eyes of our previous silhouetted friend... Hmmm....

Wow, this Thanos stuff is messed up. Someone's got unresolved issues.

So, it was Deus Ex I'm About to Get My Own Book and I Need the Exposure First, I mean Warlock.

Ya know, he looks an awful lot like Daimon Hellstrom just with a sun-kissed blond thing instead of the flamage.. I'm just sayin'. I like Daimon. My jury's still out on Adam.

I must lead the forces of Sanity - Well, that leaves Pym out.

I like Galactus. Sure, he eats worlds, but he's got that somethin' somethin'.

The Universe is huge, bigger than Wal-Mart even, and somehow our scrawny little planet is always in the line of fire.

Poor Cloak.

Yay, Wolverine!

Who cleans up all these messes? Have they ever done an ish on the clean-up crew. Imagine getting that contract? You'd be rich!

Ah, Iron Man! The entire West Coast gone? But what about the Champions? Oh yeah, no one cares!

Keep it together, Wanda!

Oh, no.. Asgard! Odin better put on his Ceremonial Depends.

Subby! And Namorita... *sniff* Looking not blue, I might add. What is it with Marvel and turning characters blue? I spurn them!

It's by sheer chance I am flying over Atlantic City. - She's got two shows at the Tropicana.

Hee, they even put a big "A" on the back of the chairs at Avengers HQ!

Oh, so now the INhumans want to help. Pfft.

Thank God, Doc's house was spared.... and nothing else. Thank the Vishanti for clean living and a hastily prepared protection spell.

And we're outtie for another ish.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009


The modern-day return of The Gorton's Fisherman to commercials, to lead us through the choppy but fish-engorged seas of the Nor'East on a Moby Dickish quest to capture and kill and eat as much fish as possible because fish is awesome, especially all breaded and battered, YI-umsies, me like-a the fried fishes.

In the new ad his brave crew is preparing fried fish sticks and shrimp in the galley kitchen while Gorton's Fisherman steers and smiles and thinks about how after a long-ass day of killing fish, there's that great reward of eating a shitload of them. Especially all breaded and battered and lemoned. Lemon is key. A little white wine, and you're pretty much set with the ladies. She'll be singing you a shanty, is all I'm saying.

And yes, he IS long and hard and full of semen.


[A stream of consciousness live-blog]

While reading the Illuminati mini, I came across the Infinity Gauntlet. Don't know squat about it, but, thanks to eBay and a fin burning a hole in my pocket, I got my little mitts on it. So, come back to the early 90s with me when the Soviet Union ended and Herman's Head began.

Ish 1...

Ok, if I were a GOD, or in my case, GODDESS, would I live on some crap planet that looks like it was made by some 40 year old virgin named Eugene in his basement with Magic Rocks? I think not.

Not to mention that I'd get a little work done. I mean, that chin. Thanos. We need to talk. You're God, bubeleh, you should look the part.

OooOooh, Doctor Strange, all contemplative 'n shi.

I love that he has chairs, but doesn't use them. I guess if I could levitate, I wouldn't either.

An outbreak of insanity in the Catskill mountains. - Joke to easy, must resist.

Wipe out! Surfer. Haven't seen him in forever, ok, it's been a few months real time. I think the last time was when Micheal gave me Hulk 250 to read. Poor Hulky. Poor Surfer. I bundle them both.

Thanos is coming! I'm guessing that's bad.

Mistress Death... played by Courtney Love. Ok, she said what?

Apparently Death has long thought the fact that there are more people alive today than have ever died was a type of cosmic imbalance. Yeah, except no. And a wtf are you talkin' 'bout Death? I think Death has been smokin' a little sumpin' sumpin', if ya know what I mean. Note to Death: Yahoo Answers is not reliable.

Hehehe. Love the panel, mid-exposition, with the Surfer yanking on Doc's cloak in urgency and pulling him forward. Don't know why, but that's a riot.

Wow, slaughter half the sentient population. At least Paris Hilton's safe.

Did he just blow up his own crappy planetoid?

He should wish himself a fashion sense.

I love how characters have things like Death's Infinity Well. Can I get that at Lowes?

David Birney was the keeper of the Space gem? Briget Love Birney. It's always bugged me that... Birney/Bernie thing. That and the whole craptastic show. When you think Audra Lindley is slumming, you know you're in trouble.

In other words, Thanos now has the ubridbled power of a God! Why didn't he just say that? Makes me crazy. Like people to prattle on then say "long story short".. come on, work with me, people!

The metaphysical world of the soul gem is... Lidsville!

Ok, Adam Warlock, I've seen that name, but don't know nuttin' bout him. But he's got great hair.

Thanos has a thing for Death?

Seems like a lot of trouble to get three husks.

Wow, he is truly whipped.

Who's the craggy death butler who brings the truth?

It could be the new Wynn hotel in vegas.. Death's Shrine. Actually, that's not a bad idea. Ok, it is a bad idea, but there's kernel of the germ of the nucleus of a good idea there. A Goth(ish) Casino. I want comps.

Oh, burn.

He killed his mother? Yikes.

So, the Universe is in danger because this guy wants some. Dude.

Wow, he is a bad citizen.

Oh, yeah. I've got to destroy half the universe. Back to work...

Oh snap, literally!

Spidey!!! Love the first long panel. Coolsies.

Oooo... halved.

Hee... a little Howard the Duck product placement. I wonder if he made the cut. I wonder what other supers didn't make it.

With my luck, MJ made it. Upside, the lines to ladies room at concerts are going to be half as long! That's a pretty good bonus. Seriously. Men, you have no idea.

Hee. Avengers HQ. Subtle... Aliens, attack here!

Cap in any era, rocks.

Ohmygod that Avengers portrait with Beast looking like a goof... classic.

Who the hell is Sersi?

Guess I don't have to worry about that now.

Bye, Hawkeye. Again.

SHIELD is stuck in 70s still. Nice to see somethings don't change.

Captain Understatement. Half the world disappears and he says, "I've got a feeling about this one, Val. This one's going to be bad... real bad." Ya think?

Ok, this isn't my Savage/Doodle Hulk of the 70s, is it? He's got that "fresh from the asylum" haircut and a shirt he borrowed from Luke Cage.. not to mention he's drinking a beer. This is going to take some getting used to. (I've only read Savage Hulk)

I totally missed the Abomination connection.

Oy, again with the Kree/Skrull Hatfields and McCoys fued.

Wong. *sniff*

Wow, Surfer's going apeshit. Poor Norrin. He feels too much. I'm surprised Doc is all, what's wrong? Don't you feel it, Doc? This happened 28 years ago in a fictional universe and even I can feel it!

Ah, the Destroyer is my Doodle Hulk substitute. Calm yourself, my Emerald friend.

And they have the chick... sewing. Sometimes, I just want to cry.

Ok, I have no idea who these goofs are, but I guess I'll find out.

Well, that was set-uppy. Was good to see my dearest Stephen even if he was a straight man and totally out of touch with the cosmic onenesss. But, I forgive. That's the way I'm constituted.

Part two, coming soon!

Monday, March 2, 2009


[A stream of consciousness live-blog]

Eric has wonderful penmanship.

He's just sexy. That's all there is to it. Even all disheveled.

Oh my god, he's birthing...

Oh boy... a renewed Magneto is not going to be a good thing.

I think this fire person, Michael, has a fire-person man-crush on Magneto, either that or it's Wanda again. I mean, this gushing "perfect mind", "it has to be you", or is it some aspect of himself? He loves himself enough to believe that stuff. Or am I over-thinking and it's just that he's that popular with muties and the collective love for him is Jim Jonesish?

Xorn. Didn't see that one coming? Who the f is Xorn? Sounds like Zod's little brother.

Thanks for the new metal suit, by the way.- Hee.

Love how Cap isn't willing to go with the scorched earth policy.

On no. Nothing like a newly dead army rising up to seek genocidal vengeance. Good times.

What are these things? They all look like Joan Rivers.

Seriously, what's up with them? They all have clawsy hands.

Ok, see, I see it on the page and I don't buy it. Hill would nuke the Avengers in a second without a blinking an eye if she thought it would stop the threat. I just don't buy her here. I know, I know, I'm wrong, but I'm not!

Interesting, Magneto pleading to be killed?

Ouch, did she blow his head off.

I'm Bob, come fly me.

Yeah, where's Magneto? You know, previously the most powerful mutant on the planet who repeatedly tried to destroy all of you. I don't mean to interrupt your important conversations, but shouldn't someone look for him?

No, first, we have to check on the completely harmless mutant, Michael.

Is Alpha Flight really dead? Who will toss down the ceremonial puck at the next Ottawa Senators game?

Ok, there's Eric, but they're so nonchalant about it. An unconscious Magneto is still a dangerous Magneto. Why are they so blasé about it?

And there ya go. They deserved that. Go Eric, be free to magnetize and terrorize, it's your birthright! I bet he's hell with an Etcha A Sketch.

I know, I know, I know... I'm supposed to think Hill was all cool not doing what the Pres wanted and letting Tony listen in and not killing the Avengers, but I just... well, you know how I feel. I accept it in my head, but in my heart, shs's a stone-cold not to be trusted, be-atch.

A little foreshadowing with the Superhuman Registration Act and Cap and Tony in different mini-panels on Hill's screens. It's almost like they planned it!

Civil War is going to be fun and exciting and horribly painful, isn't it? Can't wait!

- Grace, my mutant avatar who has the power to elicit compassion

Sunday, March 1, 2009


And they should bring it back.