Wednesday, April 15, 2009

WORLD WAR HULK #4: PAINSTAKINGLY PENNED BY PLINY THE ELDER

[A stream of consciousness live-blog]
with commentary from MICHAEL

Hulk's lookin' pretty aquiline on that cover. Hulkus Arilius.

I HAD TO LOOK UP "AQUILINE", SO THANK YOU. WHY YES HE DOES! I LOVE ALL THE COVERS TO THESE, ALL THE VARIANTS, TOO. USUALLY THE 8,000 VARIANT COVERS SHTICK IS ANNOYING BUT THESE WERE ALL REALLY FUN COVERS. I BET ALL THE BIGGIES WERE PUSHING HARD FOR A COVER GIG. TO GET TO DRAW THE HULK GOING APESHIT ON THE WHOLE MARVEL U - SO AWESOME. OF ALL THE VERY KIND NODS AND SOPS TO PEEPS LIKE ME WHO WERE RAISED ON AND BY MARVEL IN THE 70S, THE WWHULK MINI IS THE FUNNEREST WINK AND REWARD. WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR HIM TO BE THAT CHARACTER WHO AGAIN EFFECTS THE WHOLE UNIVERSE SIMPLY BY HIS PRESENCE. IN THE 60S AND EARLY 70S EVERY NEW HERO HAD TO EVENTUALLY FIGHT THE HULK OR TRY TO CAPTURE HIM. EVEN SPIDEY FOUGHT HIM WAY BACK IN AMAZING SPIDER-MAN 14. AND I REMEMBER THAT IN A 60S SPIDER-MAN ANNUAL, HE AGAIN FOUGHT THE HULK, AND ACTUALLY STAGGERED HIM WITH A PUNCH! WHAT HAPPENED TO THAT FUCKING SPIDER-MAN? THEY DOWNPLAY HIS PHYSICAL MIGHT TODAY AND IT BUGS. I LOOOOOVE DIGRESSING TONIGHT. IT HEALS ME.

The Demon Zom : Six out of seven mystics recommend him.

I know it's demanding of me (but hey, I'm a woman!) but I hate it when the artist doesn't give a half a rat's patoot about background faces, even when they're not that far in the background and are important characters like Hulk. I mean, he doesn't even have a nose. He looks like a castoff from Fragglerock.

THAT'S INTERESTING. I AM SO USED TO ARTISTS FUDGING BACKGROUNDS THAT I ACTUALLY THINK THAT FOR SOME ARTISTS IT IS A DELIBERATE AESTHETIC CHOICE - BECAUSE IN REAL LIFE, OUR CONSCIOUSNESS ONLY PICKS UP WHAT OUR MOST IMMEDIATE FOCUS IS, ETC. - AND YES I KNOW I AM PROBABLY FULL OF FECES. JACK KIRBY SPASM: KIRBY NEVER EVER FUDGED A BACKGROUND. THEY WERE AS VIVID AND INTRICATE AS THE FORGROUND, JUST ABOUT ALWAYS. IT MADE HIS STUFF LOOK MORE 3-DIMENSIONAL THAN A MORE LITERAL-MINDED ARTIST COULD MANAGE.

Doc is scary when he's possessed/chanelling an interdimensional demon, but then who wouldn't be? George Clooney.

GEORGE WOULD BOB HIS HEAD BACK AND FORTH SEDUCTIVELY.

It's soooooo strange to see Hulk just sitting there, expressionless. I miss my crazy Savage/Doodle Hulk.

I KNEW IT WOULD FREAK YOU OUT TO SEE HIM LIKE THIS. AND HE HAS BEEN THIS VERSION FOR A WHILE NOW. THE PATTERN AT PRESENT SEEMS TO BE: EVERY FIVE YEARS THEY GIVE HULK A DIFFERENT PERSONALITY, WHETHER IT BE A THROWBACK ONE OR A NEW ONE. AND THEY ARE ALL EVENTUALLY REVEALED TO BE ASPECTS OF BRUCE'S INNER TRAUMA AND HOW HE REACTS TO IT. ALL THE HULKS ARE GIANT DEFENSE MECHANISMS, AND SOME ARE MORE OVERTLY VULNERABLE AND LOVEABLE THAN OTHERS, BUT THEY ARE ALL ATTEMPTS TO COPE. YES I HAVE A MASTERS IN HULKOLOGY FROM CAIMBRIDGE.

Heroim. Sounds Jewish. Are there any other bigtime Jewish Superheroes other than the Thing? There must be. Two thousand years of suffering! I had a potato latke at Canter's yesterday. Seriously.

THOSE LATKES ARE FUCKING AWESOME. YOU TOOK ANNE TO CANTERS? THAT'S HILARIOUS. SHE GETS EVEN MORE HUGE POINTS NOW.

Stupid monsters. - Strange channels my doodle hulk just without the doodle.

Ok, I don't like this icky pointy-handed demon Strange. He would not bring me flowers.

BUT BECAUSE YOU'RE A WOMAN THERE IS STILL A PART OF YOU THAT THINKS YOU CAN SAVE HIM.

Wow, did he just impale him on his spikey hand thing?!

And then he kicked him. Oh boy. This is not good.

Collapsing buildings. This is a pet-peeve of mine. I know, I know. You have to just go with it, but I wish there were more civilain collateral damage, and not like Stamford, but like this, building smooshing the little peoples.

YOU ARE A TERRIBLE PERSON.

AGAIN IT'S WILD TO SEE WHAT BUGS YOU, BECAUSE THEY ARE ALL THE CONVENTIONS THAT YES, YOU JUST HAVE TO GO WITH. BUT THEY DID MAKE IT CLEAR IN EARLIER ISHES THAT THEY WERE EVACUATING NEW YORK, SO THERE'S LESS COLLATERAL TO START WITH. ANYWAY IF THEY DID NOT HAVE THIS CONVENTION COMICS WOULD LOSE THEIR VERY LAST BASTION OF INNOCENCE. YOU WOULD LOOOVE, BY THE WAY, "MIRACLEMAN". THERE IS AN ISH WHERE "KID MIRACLEMAN" CUTS LOOSE ON LONDON AND TALK ABOUT COLLATERAL DAMAGE, IT'S A LITERAL BLOODBATH AND IT'S A FANTASTIC AND HORRIFIC SEQUENCE. PEOPLE'S HEADS ARE UP ON SPIKES, ETC. GOOD TIMES!!!

Come on, Doc! Fight for control. You are going to be soooooo sorry you did this.

YEAH HE WILL BE AND YES THEY DO ADDRESS THIS IDIOCY IN LATER ISHES OF NEW AVENGERS AND SECRET INVASION. YOU WILL BE HAPPY TO KNOW THAT DOC IS A MUCH MORE INTEGRAL PART OF THE MARVEL U NOW, MOSTLY THANKS TO BENDIS. YOU SHOULD SEND HIM A CARD. HE REALLY SEEMS TO DIG ON DOC STRANGE AND HE WRITES HIM VERY WELL, AND BRINGS HIM A LITTLE BIT CLOSER TO EARTH, DIALOGUE-WISE.

Yay Hulk!

Boo Zom!

Oh, this is awful. He's murdelizing him.

Rick bringing the psychology.

Not in the face! Oh, Stephen.

It's a good thing this takes place in New York. If it were in LA, no one would be cause they'd be stuck in traffic on the 405, then they'd leave early.

Wait, people followed from Sakaar? Like they got on an interstellar star tours, stopped in Pizmo and now they're here?

Shirtlessness. I don't know when that happened, but I thank you.

Who said "no". I'm having trouble with the bubbles in this ish.

Again with the huh and the what? Blackbolt's people declared war on America and beheaded an opera patron?

APPARENTLY THEY DID DO SOME BADNESS AND MISTAKES IN THE LAST COUPLE OF YEARS OF CONTINUITY. I HAVEN'T READ THEM IN YEARS BUT I HEAR THEIR STUFF IS TERRIFIC. THERE IS A SPECIAL PLACE IN MY HEART FOR THE INHUMANS BECAUSE MY FIRST ISSUE OF "FANTASTIC FOUR" WAS 131 WITH ALL OF THEM IN IT BEING ALL COOL-LOOKING AND CRYSTAL LOVES ME.

Tom Foster's got a good point.

Doctor Strange dances with the devil. Puh-lease. Is that all that hippy-freakaloon's got? Stephen is an upstanding if sometimes painfully absent citizen.

BUT IMAGINE WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE TO REGULAR PEEPS. AND HE LIVES IN GREENWICH VILLAGE.

It's the Watchmen squid or maybe that six-legge done that attack San Fran in that fabulous Faither Demeurge movie!

I LOVE the idea of Tony without his armour. Now, if they just ex-extremis him.

WOULD LOVE TO SPOIL THIS FOR YOU, BUT YOU WOULD HATE ME. I WONDER WHAT YOU THINK THEY WILL ACTUALLY DO WITH HIM.

Why is this thing going for Doc? He's the GOOD ONE.

Where'd that giant machete come from? Suddenly they have weapons?

It's dead? That was fast.

I really love the idea of Hulk's recreating his misadventures for their dining and dancing pleasure.

YEAH THE "PLANET HULK" GLADITORIAL FIGHTS WERE WONDERFUL.

It's like Bread and Circuses meets Plato's Stepchildren. I wonder if they're going to make Tony and Reed kiss.

SERIOUSLY YOU KNOW THEY WANT TO. AT LEAST REED SURE DOES. I HATE HOW EAGER REED IS TO PLEASE TONY. REED IS WAAAAAY SMARTER THAN TONY. SORRY BUT HE IS. I DON'T BUY REED AT ALL IN THE LAST FEW YEARS. HE AIN'T THE REED I KNOW. PERHAPS HE IS.....................A SKRULL?????????!!!!!!

Meanwhile, back at the B plot, Sentry is stil standing stoicly and doing bupkis to move this sucker forward.

Wow, he can't leave his house. That's sad. Now, get some this guy soem Paxil and let's get er done.

I DO LOVE THE WHOLE IDEA OF A NEUROTIC, INEFFECTUAL SUPERMAN WHOSE SCARED TO DEATH OF HIS OWN POWER. TOO COOL. WHEN HE IS USED WELL (AND HE IS, NEXT ISSUE) IT'S POWERFUL STUFF.

Time to play God. Why not just be God's plucky sidekick?

The unwashed masses stink on ice.

I KNOW! NO WONDER HULK HATE PUNY HUMANS.

How can Stephen even hold that thing with his hands? And can he do a little magic after all? Or is this Zomishness?

HE CAN HOLD IT PAINFULLY. I THINK THAT IS HIS MAGIC. HE'S STILL GOT SOME MOJO.

Yes, listen to pinhead. Mercy.

Oh, Hulk. Be the better man-monster.

Yay Bob!

Oh boy! One more ish. Super funsies!!!

NEXT ISSUE MADE ME GO INTO MY ROOM AND JACK OFF. WELL IT MAY AS WELL HAVE. BY THE WAY I DO KNOW THAT MARVEL ANIMATION IS DOING "WWHULK" AS A DVD. I HOPE IT'S BETTER THAN THOSE GAY "HULK VS." MOVIES.