WORLD WAR HULK #5: WARBOUND, SCHMOREBOUND

[A stream of consciousness live-blog]

with commentary from MICHAEL

Note: So sorry for the long delay between posts. House-hunting and now moving. Will be posting again a bit sporadically for the next few weeks, then things should settle down. Thanks for you patience!

Bob and his rippling muscles to the rescue! Hulk's nails are nicely manicured. I wonder what salon he goes to for his mani-pedi.

IT'S ALL THE PUNCHING. SMASHING GRANITE BUFFS THE HANDS NICELY.

More previouslies.... Hulk's family died, yada yada, planet destroyed, Reed bad.. got it.

IMPORTANT TO REMIND YOU, MISSY. EVERY COMIC BOOK IS SOMEONE'S FIRST! I AM POINTNG MY FINGER AS I REMIND YOU OF THIS.

Wait. Reed controlled the disk? No, Hulk did?

HULK DID. THE ONLY THING REED CONTROLS AT THIS POINT IN HIS CAREER IS HIS BLADDER, AND I'M NOT EVEN SURE ABOUT THAT. I KNOW I HARP ON THIS, BUT I WISH YOU HAD GROWN UP KNOWING REED LIKE I AND MANY DID. HE IS NOT A TOOL. HE'S ANYTHING BUT. AND HE'S SMARTER THAN 6 TONYS (STARKS, NOT THE AWARD) PUT TOGETHER. I GET WHY THEY ARE DOING IT DRAMATICALLY BUT IT STILL STEAMS MY VEGGIES. REED HAS MORE REED-EEMIN' TO DO THAN TONY. MAYBE HE'S TAKING CIALIS OR SOMETHING (NOW IN DAILY DOSE FORM!) AND IT'S MESSING WITH HIS RUBBERY BRAIN. OR MAYBE HE HAS NEVER RECOVERED FROM JESSICA ALBA PLAYING SUE IN THE "FF" MOVIES. MMMMMM JESSICA ALBA. I WANT TO BUILD A TIME-SHARE ON HER BIG, PILLOW-Y LIPS AND THEN LIVE THERE FOREVER, WITHOUT SHARING. I'LL BE LIKE THOSE LADIES IN "GREY GARDENS".

Ok, hold the phone. I know it's been forevah since I read ish 4, but I clearly remember a serious bloodlust thing happening. Now, Hulk's all.. not. I coulda sworn his plan involved killing them. Not that I'm complaining. Okay, maybe a little, but not really cause Stephen needs me!!!

NAH YOU'RE HALLUCINATING. HULK MADE IT SEEEEM AS IF HE WAS GONNA KILL THEM, BUT HE WAS NEVER GONNA. HE JUST WANTED TO SHOW THEM, REALLY SHOW THEM, THAT HE IS NOT A MONSTER. THAT HE HAS MERCY. THAT HE IS NOT AS BAD AS HE BELIEVES THE ILLUMINATI TO BE. THAT HE'S MORALLY SUPERIOR. HE SURE SETTLED THEIR HASH! I LOVE THAT HE DID THIS AND I KNEW HE WASN'T GONNA KILLIPATE THEM. THERE IS STILL YOUR 70S DOODLE-HULK IN THERE AT HIS CORE.

Bob knows how to make an entrance!

OOOOO IT'S JUST TOO COOL TO SEE THE HIGH-POWERED GUYS BLAZE THROUGH THE PANELS AND SMASH THROUGH CONVENIENTLY UNOCCUPIED BUILDINGS BEFORE THEY SMASH INTO THEIR FOES. ROMITA JR. IS GREAT AT THIS GOD-LIKE-POWER STUFF, WHICH IS WHY I'M SURE THEY CHOSE HIM FOR THIS PROJECT. HE HAS A LOT OF KIRBY ON HIM, WITHOUT BEING A RIP-OFF. LOTS OF RAW POWER BEING THROWN ABOUT. LOVE IT. I WISH KIRBY WERE STILL ALIVE AND DRAWING, BECAUSE WITH MODERN COLORING AND COMPUTER-EFFECTS/ENHANCEMENT SUCH AS DISPLAYED HERE, HIS CHARACTERS WOULD LITERALLY (!) BURST OFF THE PAGE AND PUNCH YOU IN THE LABONZA. AND AROUND YOU WOULD BE LOTS OF KRACKLE. NOT THE CANDY, THE KIRBY KRACKLE. BY THE WAY, THEY DON'T SELL THE HERSHEY'S KRACKLE SEPERATELY ANY MORE. YOU HAVE TO GET IT IN AN ASSORTMENT BAG, AND ONLY IN BITE-SIZE. NOW I FEEL LIKE EATING 17 BITE-SIZED KRACKLES. I'M SURE IF I DO, KIRBY KRACKLES WILL SHOOT OUT OF MY COLON (PUFFED RICE DOES THAT).

Wow. Where will the Knicks play now? Oh, that's right. No one cares. Left coast!

THAT'S JUST MEAN.

I can just hear you now, Michael. TWO MONSTERS FIGHTING!

YESH!!! BIG BOOM AND BANG AND SMASH AND CRASH AND EARTH-SHATTERING IMPACT. THE ONLY THING THAT COULD HAVE MADE THE HULK/SENTRY FIGHT BETTER WOULD BE IF THEY WERE MADE OF HERSHEY'S KRACKLE. THEN I WOULD ENJOY THE FIGHT AND DIP THEM IN JIF PEANUT BUTTER (FUCK SKIPPY!!!!) AND EAT THEM.

IT'S AMAZING TO ME THAT FOR ALL OF THE MONSTER-FIGHTS I HAVE SEEN (AND PARTICIPATED IN), IT'S NEVER ROTE OR BORING TO ME. I ALWAYS JUST LOVE'EM. NOW I AM THINKING ABOUT THE HULK/ABOMINATION FIGHTY-FIGHT IN THE "INCREDIBLE HULK" MOVIE, WHICH SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN AN OSCAR FOR "BEST MONSTER FIGHT IN HARLEM".

Men.

LIKE MONSTERS FIGHTING. WOMEN LIKE LAZY SUSANS AND UNICORNS.

Ya know, I gotta call poo on Hulk here. Yes, his family died, it's ABC after school special tragic, but he's acting pretty high and mighty for someone who has cause his own share of mayhem and destruction. You gotta own it, Hulk. Then the healing can begin. That'll be $200.

BUT YA SEE......HULK HAS NEVER KILLED IN MARVEL CONTINUITY. I KNOW YOU FIND THAT IMPLAUSIBLE, BUT SINCE HIS INCEPTION HE HAS NEVER DELIBERATELY HURT ANYONE (MAYBE AN EXCEPTION OR TWO). THE INNOCENT FUN OF THE HULK IS THAT FOR ALL THE PROPERTY DAMAGE HE PERPETRATES, NO ONE REALLY GETS HURT OR KILLED. THEY MAY HAVE CHANGED THAT IN RECENT YEARS, BUT ALL THROUGH THE 60-90S, THAT WAS THE RULE OF THUMB. YOU JUST HAVE TO GO WITH IT. YA HAVETA! THEY DID A GOOD JOB OF THAT IN THE RECENT MOVIE, WITH THE SHOTS OF PEOPLE RUNNING THE FRIG AWAY OR TAKING COVER WHILE HE SMASHED HELICOPTERS AND SONIC WEAPONS.

I'M A BIG FAN OF THIS KIND OF SEMI-CHEAT-Y STORYTELLING. IT'S JUST MORE INNOCENT AND FUN. I WAS NEVER SCARED OF THE HULK AS A KID BECAUSE I KNEW HE WOULD NEVER HURT ME. GENERAL ROSS WOULD HURT ME. EVEN BETTY WAS MORE OF A THREAT (HER BOBBED HAIR ESPECIALLY). HOWARD THE DUCK WOULD HURT ME WITH HIS SARCASM. MAN-THING? HE'D BE NICE.


Hee. You tell 'em General Ross.

I HAVE A THEORY THAT ROSS IS JEALOUS OF THE MARVEL HEROES. IF HE HAD THAT KIND OF POWER HE'D BE ABUSIN' IT LEFT AND RIGHT AND TAKING OVER SMALL REPUBLICS. HE'S DANGEROUS ENOUGH WITH HIS GUNS AND FULLER-BRUSH-TACHE.

I'm undoubtedly in the minority here, but the fight art, it's pretty, but.. eh. I'm just not emotionally involved in the battle with Hulk v Bob. I guess I might be if I'd read more Sentry, but it just feels set-piecey.

I'M KIND OF WITH YOU ON THIS. IT DOES NOT RESONATE AS DEEPLY BECAUSE THE SENTRY IS A RELATIVELY NEW CHARACTER, ESPECIALLY TO MARVEL-HEADS. IF IT WAS THOR, NOW THAT WOULD BE COOL (AND MUCH BETTER THAN THAT ANIMATED MOVIE YOU MADE ME SIT THROUGH :)

I DID LOVE ALL THE FIERY SOLAR ENERGY ALL OVER THE PLACE. EVERYONE IN NYC LOOKS LIKE GEORGE HAMILTON NOW.

What the heck is Doc doing? Tony and Reed are completely bogarting this ish. Can Blackbolt yell at Hulk and Bob and send them flying into outspace or something? Can't Doc do something or at least get some panel time? Hello!!!

HEY, DOC HAD HIS DAY IN ISH THREE WHEN HULK DID THE MACARENA ON HIS HANDS. ALL HE COULD DO AT THIS POINT WAS BE A GLORIFIED EXTRA.

What happened? How'd they revert?

Ohhhh, not cool Miek. Not cool.

What a mess. With the killing and then the more killing.

Poor Hulk.

I completely understand the need to make Hulk smart and play with that, but I miss my Doodle/Savage Hulk something fierce.

I THINK - DON'T QUOTE ME - THAT IN THE NEW "HULK" COMIC, HE IS INDEED 70S DUMB-DOODLY AGAIN. I BRIEFLY GLANCED AT AN ISH, BUT WAS TURNED OFF BY MARKETING PLOY. I MEAN, RED HULK. RED HULK SOUNDS LIKE AN ENERGY DRINK. AND THEY STILL HAVE NOT GIVEN US RED'S BACKSTORY, AND I STILL DON'T GIVE A SHIT.

I officially have no idea what just happened. I know Hulk gave himself up so Tony could zap him and they've got him "safely" ensconced in a super-duper secret HulkBuster thingy 3 miles under the desert, but... on Sakaar? His spirit lives? Something more? A Primordial Campbell's Soup Hulk?

OKAY. WHAT'S ON SAKAAR IS HULK'S SEED. WHEN CIERA WAS ALL BLOWED UP, WHAT WAS IN HER WOMB WAS AS NEAR-INVULNERABLE AS HULK, AND IT SURVIVED. IT WILL GROW INTO SKAAR, SON OF HULK, A NEW SERIES, WHICH IS REALLY FUN, BY THE WAY - "CONAN" MEETS "JOHN CARTER" MEETS "KILLRAVEN" PLUS TEEN-HULK ANGST AND FATHER-ISSUES. RON GARNEY DRAWS IT AND IT LOOK TREMENDOUS.

I guess there was no other way to end it, but I feel ripped that the payoff was so abrupt and Illuminati-lite and sans coda. And the lack of Stephen was a total gip. I know, I know. It wasn't World War Stephen, but still...

STEPHEN WILL BE SPOTLIGHTED SOON IN "NEW AVENGERS" AND YOU WILL GET YOUR FIX.

And Rick? He was skewered. Is he alive? I don't know!

RICK SURVIVED BECAUSE HE'S IN THE NEW "HULK" BOOK. RICK WILL NEVER DIE. HE IS THE VOICE OF THE TEEN AUDIENCE AND HAS BEEN PART OF EVERY SIGNIFICANT MARVEL EVENT SINCE 1962. AND HE PLAYS GUITAR.

This was a boy's ending. Big fight. Big fight. The end. My Fallopian tubes are not satisfied.

MAYBE THEY COULD HAVE ALL GONE TO THE OLIVE GARDEN AND TALKED ABOUT THEIR FEELINGS. THERE'S CLEARLY A HUGE AUDIENCE FOR THAT. OVER BREADSTICKS THE ILLUMINATI COULD EXPLAIN THEMSELVES AND THEN HULK WOULD BE TOUCHED HE'D SHARE HIS PUMPKIN RAVIOLI. THAT'S HOSPITALIANO!!!!

I DID LOVE THE MORAL. "They can call you whatever they want...Savior...Destroyer...all that matters...is what YOU choose." I THINK THAT'S BEAUTIFUL, AND POWERFUL, AND EVEN SPIRITUAL, AND IT SHOWS HOW AWESOME HULK IS.

WORLD WAR HULK #4: PAINSTAKINGLY PENNED BY PLINY THE ELDER

[A stream of consciousness live-blog]

with commentary from MICHAEL

Hulk's lookin' pretty aquiline on that cover. Hulkus Arilius.

I HAD TO LOOK UP "AQUILINE", SO THANK YOU. WHY YES HE DOES! I LOVE ALL THE COVERS TO THESE, ALL THE VARIANTS, TOO. USUALLY THE 8,000 VARIANT COVERS SHTICK IS ANNOYING BUT THESE WERE ALL REALLY FUN COVERS. I BET ALL THE BIGGIES WERE PUSHING HARD FOR A COVER GIG. TO GET TO DRAW THE HULK GOING APESHIT ON THE WHOLE MARVEL U - SO AWESOME. OF ALL THE VERY KIND NODS AND SOPS TO PEEPS LIKE ME WHO WERE RAISED ON AND BY MARVEL IN THE 70S, THE WWHULK MINI IS THE FUNNEREST WINK AND REWARD. WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR HIM TO BE THAT CHARACTER WHO AGAIN EFFECTS THE WHOLE UNIVERSE SIMPLY BY HIS PRESENCE. IN THE 60S AND EARLY 70S EVERY NEW HERO HAD TO EVENTUALLY FIGHT THE HULK OR TRY TO CAPTURE HIM. EVEN SPIDEY FOUGHT HIM WAY BACK IN AMAZING SPIDER-MAN 14. AND I REMEMBER THAT IN A 60S SPIDER-MAN ANNUAL, HE AGAIN FOUGHT THE HULK, AND ACTUALLY STAGGERED HIM WITH A PUNCH! WHAT HAPPENED TO THAT FUCKING SPIDER-MAN? THEY DOWNPLAY HIS PHYSICAL MIGHT TODAY AND IT BUGS. I LOOOOOVE DIGRESSING TONIGHT. IT HEALS ME.

The Demon Zom : Six out of seven mystics recommend him.

I know it's demanding of me (but hey, I'm a woman!) but I hate it when the artist doesn't give a half a rat's patoot about background faces, even when they're not that far in the background and are important characters like Hulk. I mean, he doesn't even have a nose. He looks like a castoff from Fragglerock.

THAT'S INTERESTING. I AM SO USED TO ARTISTS FUDGING BACKGROUNDS THAT I ACTUALLY THINK THAT FOR SOME ARTISTS IT IS A DELIBERATE AESTHETIC CHOICE - BECAUSE IN REAL LIFE, OUR CONSCIOUSNESS ONLY PICKS UP WHAT OUR MOST IMMEDIATE FOCUS IS, ETC. - AND YES I KNOW I AM PROBABLY FULL OF FECES. JACK KIRBY SPASM: KIRBY NEVER EVER FUDGED A BACKGROUND. THEY WERE AS VIVID AND INTRICATE AS THE FORGROUND, JUST ABOUT ALWAYS. IT MADE HIS STUFF LOOK MORE 3-DIMENSIONAL THAN A MORE LITERAL-MINDED ARTIST COULD MANAGE.

Doc is scary when he's possessed/chanelling an interdimensional demon, but then who wouldn't be? George Clooney.

GEORGE WOULD BOB HIS HEAD BACK AND FORTH SEDUCTIVELY.

It's soooooo strange to see Hulk just sitting there, expressionless. I miss my crazy Savage/Doodle Hulk.

I KNEW IT WOULD FREAK YOU OUT TO SEE HIM LIKE THIS. AND HE HAS BEEN THIS VERSION FOR A WHILE NOW. THE PATTERN AT PRESENT SEEMS TO BE: EVERY FIVE YEARS THEY GIVE HULK A DIFFERENT PERSONALITY, WHETHER IT BE A THROWBACK ONE OR A NEW ONE. AND THEY ARE ALL EVENTUALLY REVEALED TO BE ASPECTS OF BRUCE'S INNER TRAUMA AND HOW HE REACTS TO IT. ALL THE HULKS ARE GIANT DEFENSE MECHANISMS, AND SOME ARE MORE OVERTLY VULNERABLE AND LOVEABLE THAN OTHERS, BUT THEY ARE ALL ATTEMPTS TO COPE. YES I HAVE A MASTERS IN HULKOLOGY FROM CAIMBRIDGE.

Heroim. Sounds Jewish. Are there any other bigtime Jewish Superheroes other than the Thing? There must be. Two thousand years of suffering! I had a potato latke at Canter's yesterday. Seriously.

THOSE LATKES ARE FUCKING AWESOME. YOU TOOK ANNE TO CANTERS? THAT'S HILARIOUS. SHE GETS EVEN MORE HUGE POINTS NOW.

Stupid monsters. - Strange channels my doodle hulk just without the doodle.

Ok, I don't like this icky pointy-handed demon Strange. He would not bring me flowers.

BUT BECAUSE YOU'RE A WOMAN THERE IS STILL A PART OF YOU THAT THINKS YOU CAN SAVE HIM.

Wow, did he just impale him on his spikey hand thing?!

And then he kicked him. Oh boy. This is not good.

Collapsing buildings. This is a pet-peeve of mine. I know, I know. You have to just go with it, but I wish there were more civilain collateral damage, and not like Stamford, but like this, building smooshing the little peoples.

YOU ARE A TERRIBLE PERSON.

AGAIN IT'S WILD TO SEE WHAT BUGS YOU, BECAUSE THEY ARE ALL THE CONVENTIONS THAT YES, YOU JUST HAVE TO GO WITH. BUT THEY DID MAKE IT CLEAR IN EARLIER ISHES THAT THEY WERE EVACUATING NEW YORK, SO THERE'S LESS COLLATERAL TO START WITH. ANYWAY IF THEY DID NOT HAVE THIS CONVENTION COMICS WOULD LOSE THEIR VERY LAST BASTION OF INNOCENCE. YOU WOULD LOOOVE, BY THE WAY, "MIRACLEMAN". THERE IS AN ISH WHERE "KID MIRACLEMAN" CUTS LOOSE ON LONDON AND TALK ABOUT COLLATERAL DAMAGE, IT'S A LITERAL BLOODBATH AND IT'S A FANTASTIC AND HORRIFIC SEQUENCE. PEOPLE'S HEADS ARE UP ON SPIKES, ETC. GOOD TIMES!!!

Come on, Doc! Fight for control. You are going to be soooooo sorry you did this.

YEAH HE WILL BE AND YES THEY DO ADDRESS THIS IDIOCY IN LATER ISHES OF NEW AVENGERS AND SECRET INVASION. YOU WILL BE HAPPY TO KNOW THAT DOC IS A MUCH MORE INTEGRAL PART OF THE MARVEL U NOW, MOSTLY THANKS TO BENDIS. YOU SHOULD SEND HIM A CARD. HE REALLY SEEMS TO DIG ON DOC STRANGE AND HE WRITES HIM VERY WELL, AND BRINGS HIM A LITTLE BIT CLOSER TO EARTH, DIALOGUE-WISE.

Yay Hulk!

Boo Zom!

Oh, this is awful. He's murdelizing him.

Rick bringing the psychology.

Not in the face! Oh, Stephen.

It's a good thing this takes place in New York. If it were in LA, no one would be cause they'd be stuck in traffic on the 405, then they'd leave early.

Wait, people followed from Sakaar? Like they got on an interstellar star tours, stopped in Pizmo and now they're here?

Shirtlessness. I don't know when that happened, but I thank you.

Who said "no". I'm having trouble with the bubbles in this ish.

Again with the huh and the what? Blackbolt's people declared war on America and beheaded an opera patron?

APPARENTLY THEY DID DO SOME BADNESS AND MISTAKES IN THE LAST COUPLE OF YEARS OF CONTINUITY. I HAVEN'T READ THEM IN YEARS BUT I HEAR THEIR STUFF IS TERRIFIC. THERE IS A SPECIAL PLACE IN MY HEART FOR THE INHUMANS BECAUSE MY FIRST ISSUE OF "FANTASTIC FOUR" WAS 131 WITH ALL OF THEM IN IT BEING ALL COOL-LOOKING AND CRYSTAL LOVES ME.

Tom Foster's got a good point.

Doctor Strange dances with the devil. Puh-lease. Is that all that hippy-freakaloon's got? Stephen is an upstanding if sometimes painfully absent citizen.

BUT IMAGINE WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE TO REGULAR PEEPS. AND HE LIVES IN GREENWICH VILLAGE.

It's the Watchmen squid or maybe that six-legge done that attack San Fran in that fabulous Faither Demeurge movie!

I LOVE the idea of Tony without his armour. Now, if they just ex-extremis him.

WOULD LOVE TO SPOIL THIS FOR YOU, BUT YOU WOULD HATE ME. I WONDER WHAT YOU THINK THEY WILL ACTUALLY DO WITH HIM.

Why is this thing going for Doc? He's the GOOD ONE.

Where'd that giant machete come from? Suddenly they have weapons?

It's dead? That was fast.

I really love the idea of Hulk's recreating his misadventures for their dining and dancing pleasure.

YEAH THE "PLANET HULK" GLADITORIAL FIGHTS WERE WONDERFUL.

It's like Bread and Circuses meets Plato's Stepchildren. I wonder if they're going to make Tony and Reed kiss.

SERIOUSLY YOU KNOW THEY WANT TO. AT LEAST REED SURE DOES. I HATE HOW EAGER REED IS TO PLEASE TONY. REED IS WAAAAAY SMARTER THAN TONY. SORRY BUT HE IS. I DON'T BUY REED AT ALL IN THE LAST FEW YEARS. HE AIN'T THE REED I KNOW. PERHAPS HE IS.....................A SKRULL?????????!!!!!!

Meanwhile, back at the B plot, Sentry is stil standing stoicly and doing bupkis to move this sucker forward.

Wow, he can't leave his house. That's sad. Now, get some this guy soem Paxil and let's get er done.

I DO LOVE THE WHOLE IDEA OF A NEUROTIC, INEFFECTUAL SUPERMAN WHOSE SCARED TO DEATH OF HIS OWN POWER. TOO COOL. WHEN HE IS USED WELL (AND HE IS, NEXT ISSUE) IT'S POWERFUL STUFF.

Time to play God. Why not just be God's plucky sidekick?

The unwashed masses stink on ice.

I KNOW! NO WONDER HULK HATE PUNY HUMANS.

How can Stephen even hold that thing with his hands? And can he do a little magic after all? Or is this Zomishness?

HE CAN HOLD IT PAINFULLY. I THINK THAT IS HIS MAGIC. HE'S STILL GOT SOME MOJO.

Yes, listen to pinhead. Mercy.

Oh, Hulk. Be the better man-monster.

Yay Bob!

Oh boy! One more ish. Super funsies!!!

NEXT ISSUE MADE ME GO INTO MY ROOM AND JACK OFF. WELL IT MAY AS WELL HAVE. BY THE WAY I DO KNOW THAT MARVEL ANIMATION IS DOING "WWHULK" AS A DVD. I HOPE IT'S BETTER THAN THOSE GAY "HULK VS." MOVIES.

WORLD WAR HULK #3: BY THE SEVEN SAULS OF CEDARS-SINAI!!!

[A stream of consciousness live-blog]
with commentary from MICHAEL

They're shooting a missile right at his man-parts. I know this war and all, but that's dirty pool.

YOU WOULD DO THE SAME. YOU HAVE BEFORE.

Why is Storm's name X'd out and everyone else's is just crossed out? I'm just sayin'. And why do people say that? "I'm just sayin'." Of course you're just saying, you just said it.

Ross is looking svelte.

HE DID THE SAME DIET DAN MARINO DID. HE EATS REAL-MAN FOOD AND LOSES REAL WEIGHT.

What ish was the saving the planet from aliens and Hulk gets a statue in Central Park? Gotsta reads it.

THAT WAS CIRCA 1983, WHEN HE WAS SMART-BANNERISH HULK AND WAS FORGIVEN, PARDONED, ETC. IT WAS VERY SWEET AND A LONG TIME COMING. HEE. THE HEROES ARE STUPID BECAUSE LOOKEE WHAT HAPPENED.

Why does he look more like the Silver Surfer than the Hulk and what are those boxer-briefs he's wearing and I don't think I ever saw him make that pose

YEAH WHEN HE WAS BANNERISH HE WORE TIGHTY-WHITEY-PURPLEYS FOR AWHILE. WHY THE HELL NOT? FLAUNT IT.

and *sniff* there's Cap in the back ground and dear Stephen who's about to get the rings of raggador wrung outta him.

Hee. Hulk throws his own statue at Thor. How did Doc disappear him? That's another ish I've got to reads.

YEAH DOC BANISHED HIM TO THE NETHERHINTERLANDS FOR SEVERAL ISSUES WHEN HE BECAME ULTRA-SAVAGE-MINDLESS-HULK. HE WANDERED AROUND FOR QUITE A BIT IN THERE. BEST SAL BUSCEMA ART OF HIS WHOLE RUN ON THOSE ISHES AND THAT IS SAYING SOMETHING.

Betty's dead? What the? Wait. Back up. What the? Oh man. You don't read 40 years worth of comics and you miss a little. *sigh*

YES. BETTY DIED FROM RADIATION POISONING. GAMMA RADIATION. COINCIDENCE? NOPES. TOO MUCH EXPOSURE TO BANNER AND HULK. THE ISSUE WHERE SHE DIED WAS PETER DAVID'S LAST, I THINK, AND IT WAS BEAUTIFUL AND SOOOOOOOOOOO FRIGGIN' SAD.

And who is Ross talking to? Anyone who'll listen?

HE'S TALKING TO ALL YOU JOHNNY-COME-LATELYS AND GIVING YOU 40 YEARS OF CONTINUITY.

Yikes! Is that adamantium shrapnel ripping through Greenie?

YESH. IT STINGS.

I guess so. War is hell.

SI. I LOVE THAT THEY HAVE ALL THESE CONTINGENCY PLANS TO DEAL WITH HULK THAT THEY WAITED TO WHIP OUT WHEN HE WENT TRULY BATSHIT INSANE. THIS ALL HAPPENED WHEN BUSH WAS PREZ AND I AM SURPRISED THEY DIDN'T KILL HIM.

Listen to Rick! He's young and hip and soon to be on the animated Gilmore Girls.

YEAH I LIKE HIM IN THIS. THE ONLY VOICE OF REASON ANYWHERE TO BE FOUND. THANKS FOR PLAYING YOUR HARMONICA ON THE GAMMA-BOMB TEST SITE IN YOUR JALOPY, RICK! WE'LL TAKE IT FROM HERE.

Oh, I love the Starbuck's banner at Doc's place! My Bendis arc spoiler was right! [See it here!]

YES THE SANCTUM IS CLEVERLY-SPELLICIZED AS AN EMPTY SOON-TO-BE-STARBUCKS. WAIT 'TIL YOU SEE IRON MAN AND FRIENDS TRY TO BUST IN IN NEW AVENGERS. HEE, THEY'RE TOOLS.

I would not want to be in Hulk's head right now. It'd be worse than living in the Big Brother house.

How'd he pick him up?

OooOooooOoo.... Doc looking sex-ay! All powerful and supreme. And a little scary. "Snuffing out your mortal life"... dang. Doc. That is not cool. We don't snuff.

BUT HE COULD. UNLESS HE DOES WHAT HE DOES BEST, WHICH IS TO SIT OUT THE MOST DRAMATIC EVENTS IN THE MARVEL UNIVERSE AND THINK ABOUT COLORFUL RAINBOWS.

Show me your true face. - Oh, that is heartbreaking!

YEAH IT'S SO COOL THAT EVEN HULK HAS TO ADMIT THAT BANNER IS HIS TRUE SELF AND ANCHOR OF BEING. I'M SO GLAD THEY HAD HIM CHANGE BACK AT LEAST ONCE. THERE WAS A BEAUTIOFUL SCENE IN "PLANET HULK" WHERE HULK WILLINGLY CHANGES BACK INTO BANNER FOR A MOMENT TO SHOW HIS LOVER HIS TRUE SELF. SHE ACCEPTS HIM FULLY AT HIS MOST VULNERABLE. THEN HE CHANGES BACK SO HE CAN DO HER.

So, Doc wasn't astrally projecting himself? He was there, just not there? He's so understanding. I love you, Stephen!

Oh Dear - is right! Crap! OOOOOWWWWWWIIIEEEEEE!!!!!!

Oh man. His hands! That's gotta smart. Oh boy.

COOL, HUH? HE WON'T BE MOISTURIZING FOR A WHILE.

Okay, so he was astrally projecting, but not. Kinda.

His fingers are higgley-piggledy! Oh, Stephen. But, really, it's not like he hasn't been there before. Always the hands.

The Night Nurse has got her work cut out for her. How I envy her!

Stupid army. Where's SHIELD? Isn't it their turn to screw this up?

FWAPP! I love that.

Not ding dong likely, you crazy - How can you not love a man who says stuff like that?

I LIKE WHEN HE SHOOTS HIM THE FACE. IT'S SO ANNOYING.

Ah, Miss Hill. Next!

I want a giant Nosering of Healing!

What's with Abu Ghraib?

Tell it like it is, Prez!

THE HULK-RESISTANCE IS IN ITS LAST THROES. AGAIN.

Listen to Zippy, Hulk.

Shadow Elders? Stoneforce of the Old Power of the Shadow - Help me, I've fallen into The Sword of Shannarah and I can't get up.

I LIKE THE MYSTICAL-ALIEN JIBBA-JABBA. MAKES ANYTHING SOUND GOOD. IT HAS A NAME, MUST BE REAL.

Listen to Rick! Why won't anyone listen to Rick?

'CAUSE THERE'D BE NO MORE MINI AND EVERYONE WOULD GO HOME AND STOP WARRING CIVIL-Y ON EACH OTHER.

Obedience disks. On Earth we call those engagement rings.

Oh, Doc's hands. I can barely look at them.

THEN YOU REALLY DON'T LOVE HIM AT ALL....

That he can't do proper magic without his hands makes me nutty and that he can do ANYTHING, but he can't heal his own hands. Sometimes the constraints of necessary internal logic, no matter how illogical, make me want to throw a hissy.

YOU'RE NOT HELPING HIM WITH YOUR BITCHING AND MOANING. JUST GRAB SOME ACE BANDAGES AND GET TO WORK.

Uh-oh. The box. I don't know what's in the box, but nothing good is ever in boxes in these situations.

ZOM! I remember Zom. That sounds like a new sitcom on the WB. I hope Wong's sending a tweet to the Living Tribunal.

GOTTA GIVE PROPS TO GREG PAK FOR REMEMBERING ZOM AND BRINGING HIM BACK.

Summoning a demon - NEVER good. Never. Has this ever worked for anyone? It's like casting Ted McGinley. Don't do it.

MCGINLEY'S WORK ON "HOPE AND FAITH" IS UNDERRATED SO TAKE IT BACK.

Although, Ted would be a good Danny. Better than Dean. And Jon-Erik Hexum can play the Sentry. Sweet jabippy was he hot.

Rick is one brave so-and-so. If Miek was looming over me, I'd pee.

Strange smash.

Seriously?

Worst. Last line. Ever.

BUT SUCH AN ORGASMIC MOMENT FOR US LOVERS OF OLD-SCHOOL CORNY-60S MARVEL.

I blame Zom.

THE FAULT LIES IN YOURSELF.

WORLD WAR HULK #2: WARRIORS, COME OUT TO PLAY-E-AY!!!

[A stream of consciousness live-blog]
with commentary from MICHAEL

Hulk has really big teeth.

HE GOT CAPS AND WHITENING BACK IN 1997 WHEN HE BECAME "SMART HULK" (AGAIN).

She-Hulk's chesticles need their own zip code. Seriously, they're looking bigger than ever. Like "the giant vegetables from that episode of Lost in Space" big.

YES, AND.....?

And Reed looks like an angry, stretchy, C Thomas Howell. C. Thomas Howell!

HE DOES! MAYBE ROMITA JR. IS A FAN OF "RED DAWN".

Is that Iron Fist? I always picture Dean Butler as Danny. Is that wrong? Oh, Manly. Don't answer that.

IF I KNEW WHO DEAN BUTLER WAS, I WOULD ANSWER. OKAY LOOKING HIM UP.....HAH! PRETTY GOOD ON-THE-NOSE-CASTING. I AM GOING NON-CONVENTIONAL AND CASTING PATRICK LABEARTEUX.

He's being kinda pissy, isn't he? I always read the bolded words in comics with Shatneresque pausing emphasis. I'm sure that's not the plan, but that's what happens. It's always funny and in this case, really snotty. Illusions.

YES THE BOLDIES ARE FOR SHATNERIZING. I HAVE ALWAYS LOVED THEM. THEY ARE A SMALL BUT HUGELY IMPORTANT PART OF THE READING EXPERIENCE, ESPECIALLY AS A KID. THE BOLDIES SORT OF DO SOME OF THE ACTING AND VOICING FOR YOU, IN YOUR HEAD. WHEN YOU'RE READING ANY OF THESE, YOU'RE ALWAYS SIMULTANEOUSLY ACTING THEM OUT - DIFFERENT VOICES FOR DIFFERENT PEOPLE, BUT ALL OF THEM YOUR OWN VOICE. THAT'S THE INNER JOY OF THIS MEDIUM. YOU ARE SUBCONSCIOUSLY ALMOST FORCED TO BE AN ACTUAL PARTICIPANT IN THE STORY AND ACTIONS AND THOUGHTS. A TV SHOW OR A MOVIE HAVE TO GO A LONGER WAY TO ENGAGE ALL OF YOU THE WAY A COMIC DOES. EXCEPT FOR "THE SAN PEDRO BEACH BUMS". THAT SHOW USED ALL OF YOU, ALL OF THE TIME. A LOST CLASSIC AND AN IMPORTANT PART OF STUART PANKIN'S CANNON.

Is that the same Ronin from pre-Civil War? That Maya Conchita Alonzo chicky? If so, she needs to lay off he HGH.

OKAY, IN "NEW AVENGERS" AT THIS TIME, HAWKEYE BECOMES THE NEW RONIN. MAYA-ECHO-FORMERLY-RONIN IS ECHO AGAIN. YOU'LL SEE HER BAD-ASS AND BEAUTIFUL SELF IN ISH 3 I BELIEVE. SO - HAWKEYE IS NOW RONIN AND ECHO IS ECHO.

Okay, so that's her in the Not Ronin outfit. I'm confused. I need to have a drink with Ian McShane. He's just one of those actors you want to have a drink with.

I EXPLAINED ABOVE. STOP PRESSURING ME.

Wow. Trying to nuke Hulk was bad, but just giving yourself over? I'm worried for you, Stephen!

YOU SURE AS SHINOLA SHOULD BE.

Hee. "Children". Ya know, I read that comic "Sleepwalker", the ill-fated Epic comic that was supposedly a set-up for Doc's daughter. She's living in New Orleans and eating crawfish. He's one of the few Marvel characters that I wish had a chitlin. He'd be a great and terrible father. You could never live up to his expectations, but he's a doodle too and can do magic. Imagine the birthday parties.

"DORMAMMU GOT YOU Wii SORCERER'S EDITION. SAY THANK YOU TO UNCLE DORMAMMU!"

He needs a hero.... Footloose flashback.. Bonnie Tyler on the brain now... I wonder who it is? Hmmm. I'm gonna guess that kid Rick whatshisname. Is he still around? He used to listen to him. Is he a hero now? Or is he toast? Or is this some existential thing and the hero is Bruce?

RICK IS ALIVE AND WELL AND FOREVER THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON'S IN HULK'S LIFE. THE ONE RESPONSIBLE FOR BRUCE'S HULKINESS AND HIS BEST FRIEND.

Ah, so he brought the whole family.

Who is the Black Knightish dude calling for the Avengers? Ah, it's Ares. I thought he was naughty. No, wait, that's DC. Poor me another, Ian!

YEAH ARES IS A MEMBER OF MIGHTY-DICKISH-AVENGERS. HE'S A HEAVY-HITTER, IN THOR'S LEAGUE, ALMOST.

Who's the guy with green hair?

DOC SAMSON. GAMMA-EMPOWERED PSYCHIATRIST. SERIOUSLY. AN OLD FRIEND OF HULK'S WHO HAS HAD HULK ON THE COUCH OVER THE YEARS.

Is that Wonder Man? Did he get a bad die job? He looks totally different. I know, I know... it's Wonder Man, but not the old Wonder Man. It's like the different Darins on Bewitched. It's just plain messed up.

YEAH WONDER MAN HAS BEEN WEARING HIS AWFUL 70S LEISURE-SUIT FOR A WHILE NOW. I MISS HIS COSTUME-COSTUME. HERE HE LOOKS LIKE A YOUNG ALEX CORD CROSSED WITH A PIMP.

Cool. Hulks smashing each other.

I FEEL BAD FOR JEN. WHAT A FUCKED-UP FAMILY. I HAVE COUSINS LIKE THIS, TOO, BUT THEY HAVE NEVER SMASHED ME INTO THE SEWER SYSTEM.

Avengers attack? Wtf? It's assemble? Is this some Mighty Avengers thing. Have to make it their own? Pfft. Attack? That's not what it's all about. Boogers.

THEY SAY IT ONCE IN A WHILE. IT'S SEMI-REGULAR. I KNOW, IT'S ANNOYING AND WHY WOULD THEY TELL YOU WHAT THEY WERE ABOUT TO DO? RI RON'T ROW.

Hee. Korg's the Zippy the Pinhead meets the Thing.

YES. I LOVE HIS NAME. GREAT ALIEN-NAME.

Crikey, the Richards are disfunctional.

WITHOUT SUE REED WOULD BARELY BE A HUMAN BEING. HE WOULD JUST CRYSTALIZE INTO A SILICON CHIP.

I love it when the Thing and Hulk fight. It feels almost fair and I'm not worried about boo-boos.

YEAH AND I WOULD HAVE FELT SOOOOOOOOOOO RIPPED-OFF IF THEY DIDN'T DO THE CLASSIC THING-HULK FIGHT. THIS ONE MADE ME NERVOUS, BECAUSE I KNEW HULK WOULD WHOMP HIM. I LOVE THE THING LIKE
I LOVE MY UNCLES AND I HATE SEEING HIM HURT. HE HAS ACTUALLY BEATEN THE HULK ON MORE THAN ONE OCCASSION. ALWAYS MADE ME SO HAPPY. BUT I GET WHY THEY HAD TO DO THIS. HULK OUT OF CONTROL.
NOT YOUR MOMMA'S HULK. BLABBEDY-BLAH.

I THINK JOHN ROMITA JR. DRAWS ONE OF THE BEST THINGS. MY ORDER OF GREATNESS: KIRBY, RICH BUCKLER, JOHN AND SAL BUSCEMA, AND ROMITA JR. HE'S NOT EASY TO DRAW I WOULD BET. NOT THE ROCKS, EITHER.
HE HAS TO LOOK IMPOSING AND SOME ARTISTS MAKE HIM LOOK LIKE TEDDY RUXPIN.

But that had to hurt! My brother boxed my ears once. He also gave me indian burns, horse bites and smacked me with orange matchbox track. My brother was a meanie.

NAH, JUST A BOY WHO WANTED TO KILL HIS SISTER AND TAKE HER PLACE IN SOME TRAGIC GREEK PSYCHODRAMA.

Why pretend to be the Sentry?

OKAY - YOU KNOW THE SENTRY IS A RETCON CHARACTER WHO WAS ONE OF THE FIRST HEROES, ETC. WELL - SOME RECENT STORIES HAVE TOLD US THAT THE SENTRY WAS A GENUINE FRIEND OF THE SAVAGE 60S-70S HULK AND WAS THE ONLY PERSON WHO COULD CALM HIM DOWN. HULK LITERALLY WOULD JUST GET CALM AROUND HIM AND CALL HIM "GOLDEN MAN". TO HULK HE WAS A VISION, OR AN ANGEL, OR A GIANT PLATE OF BUFFALO WINGS. SO THE FF WAS TRYING TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THAT RELATIONSHIP. BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT RELATIONSHIPS ARE FOR.

Oh, Stretch got it, but good. Hulk's making easy work of all of them and I'm only on ish 2... hmmm.....

THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I HAVE FELT FOR REED IN LIKE THREE YEARS. NOBODY DESERVES THAT.

Rick Jones! I kiss myself.

YEP AND I LIKE HIS RECENT DAVID-CASSIDY-ISH LOOK. POINT HIM IN THE DIRECTION OF ALBUQUERQUE.

*sniff* Cap's dead. He woulda found a way to help the Hulk. Gimme another, Ian.

YEAH THAT'S A GREAT MOMENT. EVEN HULK IS WIGGED OUT. THAT'S HOW AWESOME CAP IS AND WILL BE AGAIN WHEN NEW-BUCKY-CAP STOPS SELLING.

I wish you'd been here before. You may go nuts, but nine times out of ten, you seem to hit who ever needs hitting and those guys sure needed it. Wordy McWord!

YEP THAT'S MY FAVORITE PART OF THE WHOLE MINI. IT'S QUINTESSENTIALLY WHAT THE HULK IS AND WHY HE'S A HERO, NOT A MONSTER.

Get out of my head! - That takes me back to all those fabu early Defenders where "Stupid Magician!" would summon Hulk. *sigh* Good times.

YEAH IT'S NOT SO CUTE ANYMORE TO HEAR DOC IN YOUR HEAD WHEN YOU'RE FEELING BETRAYED BY HIM.

Hercules has a team?

YES. AT THIS POINT "THE INCREDIBLE HULK" IS ABOUT TO BECOME "THE INCREDIBLE HERCULES" AND HERC WORKS WITH NAMORITA (SIGH) AND ANGEL AND AMADEUS CHO. THEY'RE LIKE THE NEW CHAMPIONS. DON'T SCOFF. I MISS THE CHAMPIONS AND ISH 1 IN 1975 IS ONE OF THE BEST COVERS OF ANY COMIC. JUST PURE AND BEAUTIFUL.

Hehehehe! General Ross and his four star mustache! Awesome.

OOOO THE ROSS STUFF IS AWESOME. YOU WILL KVELL, ESPECIALLY WHEN HE SUMMARIZES HIS WHOLE RELATIONSHIP WITH HULK IN THE FIRST TWO PAGES OF ISH 3. HE'S BADDER THAN SAM ELLIOT AND WILLIAM HURT BOTH. "THANKSCH FER THE BEER, MIHO!!!" (BAD IMPRESSION OF SAM ELLIOT FROM "ROADHOUSE")

Phew! That was fun!

I TOLD YA YOU HAD TO READ IT. IT'S OLD-SCHOOL MARVEL MAYHEM. THIS KIND OF STUFF USED TO HAPPEN ON A MONTHLY BASIS AND WAS NEVER BILLED AS AN "EVENT". EVERYTHING WAS AN EVENT AT MARVEL. THE HUMAN FLY WAS AN EVENT. THE MICRONAUTS WERE AN EVENT. ROM, SPACEKNIGHT WAS AN EVENT. NIGHT NURSE WAS AN EVENT.

CAN'T WAIT FOR YOU TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS TO DOC STRANGE.

WORLD WAR HULK #1: WHAT ROUGH BEAST...SLOUCHES TOWARDS MANHATTAN

[A stream of consciousness live-blog]
with an assist from MICHAEL

Okay, so I didn't read Planet Hulk, but I know he was on this planet and stuff happened and there was violence and heartbreak and more violence.. you know, Hulk stuff.

PLANET HULK SUMMARY: HULK GETS HOODWINKED INTO A SPACESHIP AND SENT AWAY BY REED RICHARDS, DR. STRANGE, AND IRON MAN. THE THREE MOST DANGEROUSLY UNSTABLE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD, BASICALLY. GOOD CALL!

HULK GOES ALL OFF-COURSE AND INTO A WORMHOLE AND LANDS ON PLANET SKANK, WHERE HE IS FIRST A SLAVE, THEN HE'S RUSSEL CROWE/MAXIMUS, HE EVEN FALLS FOR A GRAY BALD ALIEN LADY AND IMPREGNATES HER ("HULK SMASH PUNY UTERUS!"), THEN THE SHIP HE CAME IN BLOWS UP AND KILLS HIS WIFE AND LIL' BABY AND LOTS OF EXTRAS.

HULK BLAME ILLUMINATI JERK-WADS SO HULK HEAD BACK TO EARTH TO SMASH EVERYTHING FOREVER.

He's got that escaped from the sanitarium haircut I so loathe, some stylish gladiator accoutrements and the fight-the-power fist of repressed rebellion goin' on. Cool.

The Savage Planet of Sakaar. Why do alien races use to many vowels? We could seriously kick their ass at Scrabble.

Stabbed him, burned him and ate his very flesh - apparently he was on Celebrity Apprentice. Come on. Admit it. You watch it. Who could pass up a chance to see Joan and Melissa Rivers every week?

Oh boy. The Illuminati's gonna be sorry. Hulk doesn't need oxygen?

HIS LUNGS CAN GO FOR HOURS IN DIFFERENT ATMOSPHERES AND PRESSURES. UNTIL IT'S CONVENIENT FOR THEM NOT TO.

Girded. Hee.

Frankly, I hope he makes a mess of the Inhumans' moon base. They need to be knocked down a peg or six. I got yer mists right here!

I KNOW YOU HATE THEM AND THINK THEY'RE ARROGANT, BUT MEDUSA SHOULD BE SPARED, BECAUSE OF HER HOT 70S-PURPLE FANTASTIC FOUR OUTFIT.

See, I like Blackbolt and his pouty sensuous mouth, but I'm rootin' for Hulk here.

GOOD CALL.

The only thing I remember from my high school science classes is that Pluto is the smallest planet in the solar system. Wait a minute! But I have seen a lot of movies and I thought there was no sound in space. Because, in space, no one can hear you scream, right? So, how how come Blackbolt's scream is working, sorta?

BECAUSE THERE WOULD BE NO STORY IF IT DIDN'T. AND THE MOON HAST TECHNO-CREATED ATMOSPHERE JUST FOR THEM I'D WAGER.

LOL, they just turn their backs and walk away. I don't think so.

Wow, this smart hulk is going to take some getting used to. He's projecting and expositioning. I miss my doodle hulk.

YES YOUR DOODLE-70S-DEFENDERS-DUMB-HULK IS LOOOOONG GONE BY THIS STORY. SERIOUSLY, LIKE 25 YEARS GONE. SINCE THE 70S HE'S BEEN SMART, THEN SAVAGE, THEN SCHMAVAGE, THEN BRILLIANT, THEN GREY, THEN PISSY-VEGAS-MOBSTERY, THEN SAVAGE, THEN JESSICA SAVITCH, THEN SMART AND PISSED AGAIN.

Ah, he was a gladiator. Boy, he'd be sumptin'.Although, I gotta say, my money'd be on Oliver Reed. Okay, maybe not. Off to the Elysian Fields with me which, btw, is a much nicer place than Elysian Park. Go Dodgers!

FINALLY, THIS BLOG WILL GET AN INFLUX OF REGULAR READERS, THANKS TO YOUR OLIVER REED REFERENCE.

Ah, some backstory... I feel like I'm suddenly in a Karl Edward Wagner novel. Hulk is Kane. Hey, did Frank Frazetta ever do a painting of Hulk? That would be coolsies.

HE MAY HAVE. IN THE 70S EVERYBODY DID ACID AND HULK PAINTINGS.

It's actually pretty nice of him to give New York 24 hours. Now if it had been New Jersey...

NEW JERSEY WOULD NEVER LET HIM IN WITHOUT AN EZ-PASS.

Blackbolt does not look well. He's kind of melting.

HIS KISSER IS ALL SCHMOOSHED AND SCHMASHED.

Here's hoping that Tony also gets a fistfull of hello from Hulky. I'm still so pissed at him.

I BLAME EXTREMIS.

Yay, Doc. Please don't hurt Doc. Even though I'm still pissed at him too... I'm fasting in the Artic. Blahblahmystephenwouldneverdothatcakes.

CAN'T WAIT 'TIL YOU SEE HIS CONFRONTATION WITH DOC. IT'S TERRIFIC AND CONTINUITY-DRIVEN.

Hey, there's an idea. Try to solve a problem and not ignore it.

His comrades? Doc has comrades who might be arrested. Clearly I've missed something.

YES. AT THIS POINT DOC IS OFFICIALLY A NEW AVENGER. HIS LINE-UP/COMRADES: IRON FIST, BLACK COSTUME SPIDEY, LUKE, SPIDER-WOMAN, RONIN/HAWKEYE. YOU WILL MEET THEM SOON IN N.A. AND LOVE THEM.

Ah, Deus Ex whatever they need him to be - Sentry.

YES. BUT HE'S USED WELL HERE, TRUST ME. AND IT GIVES ROMITA JR. A GREAT EXCUSE TO REALLY GO TO TOWN LATER ON.

"A word please." - I wonder what that's all about. Private talks with Tony these days never lead to anything good.

Spiderman's got a new outfit. For why? Too many costume changes. Give me the red and blue, please. He looks like venom in this getup. That's right, I said, getup.

HE'S "BACK IN BLACK" FOR THE THEN-CURRENT STORYLINE. DON'T WORY ABOUT IT, HE'S STILL THE SAME SCHTICKSTER. JUST IN BLACK TO EXPLOIT "SPIDER-MAN 3" AND THE MID-80'S.

She-Hulk. Pfft. Green-skinned Ann Coulter wanna-be. Be gone!

SHE'S AWESOME AND YOUR WORDS CANNOT HURT HER. ANN COULTER, I MEAN.

Our telepaths will locate you... J. Zeus, that's creepy.

An orderly evacuation of all of New York? It takes me an hour to get out of the parking lot at Gelsons.

They should cover the ground with puppies and kittens.

I hate this. In the old days, which for me was about 2 months ago, I would have cheered Tony's speech. I would have found it heroic and now it just sounds like bad PR spin.

I DO THINK HE MEANS IT, THOUGH. HE IS ACCEPTING RESPONSIBILITY AT LEAST. IT'S SOMETHING.

How did he inject Hulk? That must be one hell of a needle. I guess a vibranium needle might do it. Ok, forget what I said.

YES, VIBRANIUM OR ADAMANTIUM WOULD GET THROUGH. YES, I AM A FAKE-METALLURGIST.

Wow. Tony.

Ah, so his planet hulk wife died in a susplosion. The one he blames the Illuminati for. I get it. And, I would have thought they would never ever do that, but I've no doubt that was Tony's (and sadly Reed's too) plan all along.

YOU'LL SEE. IT'S FUNNY THAT YOU HATE THEM SO MUCH AT THIS POINT THAT YOU THINK THEY WOULD PLAN SUCH A HORRIBLE THING. IT SAYS A LOT ABOUT WHAT A HORRIFIC AND HATEFUL HUMAN BEING YOU HAVE BECOME. WHY DON'T YOU JUST SIGN ON WITH TONY AND HUNT DOWN YOUR FRIENDS WHILE YOU'RE AT IT....BETTER YET, JUST A BUST A CAP INTO STEVE ROGERS.

Cool. So much for Stark Tower. What are the Avengers (or is there even an official Avengers any more?) going to do? They should just rent a Winnebago from Lyle Waggoner like Shazam did.

AT THIS POINT THERE ARE NEW AVENGERS AND MIGHTY AVENGERS. SUMMARY: THE NEW AVENGERS ARE AWESOMELY COOL, AND THE MIGHTY AVENGERS ARE DICKS. TWO GREAT BOOKS.

Well, that plan worked well.

It will be good to see Hulk smash Tony for a few issues. But, I'm eskeered for Doc.

YOU SHOULD BE!

S'all for now!

NEW AVENGERS ILLUMINATI #4: SHE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU

[A stream of consciousness live-blog]

Part 4...

Oooo...broody Doctor Strange.

Love this exchange between Stephen and Reed. Says a lot about each of them.

"Clea left me.
Clea?
My protege.
Oh, have I met her?
32 times."

It just gets funnier. You're going to have read this one.

"She decided it would be a better use of her time to battle demons, goblins, firelords and the antichrist... than actually be married to me."

I didn't know she was running for Congress. Rimshot!

Maybe if Stephen wasn't thinking about menage a trois (we never forget!) with crazyass Wanda, Clea would still be around. Men. That's right! Men.

So love this scene. Fun pseudo conversation and my uterus feels vindicated.

Oooo, that glare at Tony's remark makes me puddley. Phrrroowww. Sexy bastard. I'm still mad at him. I think. I'm not really. Maybe. It depends. Ask me next issue.

Doc is a hockey fan? Wow. Just when I thought I couldn't love him more.

Tony is a dog. I know...newsflash. But, damn.

Oooo, I think we all know where Sue goes when she gets cranky with Reed. A little sushi, if ya know what I know what I mean...

Oh, Namor. Tellin' it like it is.

It's fun, but very odd to see them all talk about such personal issues to so openly and to see Doc brood publicly (sort of). He does a fair amount of this in private and goes to pieces briefly when Clea leaves him in his own title, but this, while fun, feels a bit forced. Ah well, ya takes the good ya takes the bad, the facts of life...the facts of life.

Is Tony still drinking here, cause he looks like he's had a little too much Glenlivet. You're the baloney, Mandarin!

And, what's with the armor? The partial faceplate and ear doohickies, like high school wrestlers wear. It don't make no sense. Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're our only hope.

Marvel Boy - The Dumb Donald of the Cosmos.

Seriously, what is that on his head?

He's declared war on mankind. Well, get in line, bub!

Tony's request is really sort of morally adjacent isn't it? No wonder he ends up taking over SHIELD. He's a natural.

Oh, Charles taking umbrage. I never change people's minds without their knowledge, except all the time.

Wow, a little presage for House of M which already happened but hasn't happened here.

Anthony Newley, Stop the World, I want to get off!

Does Charles gamble, cause he'd be hell in a poker game.

Ok, Reed and Tony need to step away from the computers. They're scaring me. They really do think of peeps like computers. Heck, Tony is one. Sorta. Man, they need some granola and a weekend with Euell Gibbons.

Love that Doc wants to talk the dude out of war. You go, Doc. It's worked in Panmunjam. Shout out to the M*A*S*H*I*E*S!

And then there's Namor's more direct approach. Eat vibranium, Kree boy!

But, he does have a point. Namor could wear pants once in a while when he's on land. I think he should get some True Religion jeans, the fit is fabulous!

Was the inker on strike for two pages? Pukish sepia tone?

Do I care about this punk kid? Sure, he's a threat, or they've told me he's a threat, but he looks more like a threat to local Abercrombie and Fitch than the fate of the world.

Oh, Charles getting stern.

What's the deal with back to back stories about young, powerful aliens wanting to dominate the earth. They're so similar. It's weird. I'm assuming there's a grand plan here, but it feels deja-vu-y and not in a cool, oooo way, but in a hey, i saw this episode of Law and Order yesterday - twice - way.

Hee...thank heaven for Namor. Kickin' ass.

Thank god aliens are so patient and gullible with that "but the Earthlings have so much promise, they must be allowed to grow, they have great potential"... line... what if that's a sham? What if this pathetic mess we are is as good as we get? Well, the joke's on you, alien species who rolled the dice on us! Don't you have egg on your face.

Well, at least Reed's making an effort. Today.

Tony. Oy, Empty glass and a bucket full of issues.

Poor Doc. I know Clea had to go, but I wish she'd come back. *sniff* Allergies.

And... Scene.

Set-up, complete.

Well, that's it for the prelims. On to Civil War or the Road to it anyway. I'm filled with nervous anticipation. I know it's going to be painful, but I have to do it!

NEW AVENGERS ILLUMINATI #3: PUT ON YOUR MEMBERS ONLY JACKET!

[A stream of consciousness live-blog]

Ish 3...

OOoo, they've given Charles the Raccoon-Eyes of Evil Intent. Or maybe he's just tuckered. Why is it that evil always has shadowed/dark rimmed eyes? Are their evil ways keeping them up at night? Vitamin B deficiency? Reed should study that.

Ok, I'm guessing I'm supposed to know who this Beyonder is. The only thing he seems beyond right now is fashion sense.

"He constructed a place called Battleworld and populated it with 37 men and women from the planet earth. Then told us to fight to the death." - See it, Monday nights at eleven on SpikeTV - television for men.

Ooooo, big cool two-panel with oodles and kaboodles of supers. Hmmmm, Hawkeye and Thor. I wonder when this was.

Why do people in wheelchairs get blankets and the rest of us don't?

An inhuman mutant...like Sammy Davis, Jr.

Poor BlackBolt. He needs another hug. I'm here for you and your sensual, pouty mouth, BB! No tongue, though. That would shatter a mountain.

Again, with the quickly and quietly.

Doc's looking very serious and slightly ominous.

Oh, snap. You tell him, Namor. He's keeping something from them.

Hee. He will bow down..love you, Namor.

Ok, hold the phone. We don't know where Tony is and we hope he's ok? A little cavalier (and no Clay) there isn't it?

Love how Namor peels the baloney off the bread and accusing them of profiting off the Skrull ship!

Cool. Manhattan in the middle of an asteroid belt. It's probably easier to drive into than the real one.

There are no people here. They have no minds. They are just empty vessels. - Yup, Manhattan all right. Don't hate the playa, hate the game. Left Coast!

Coolsies, blaxsploitation Luke and old school Spidey with new school webbing? Is that a no prize?

The Beyonder is...........Denny Terrio? I wonder if he'll sue Merv Griffin later in this ish.

By the Boogers of Bendis! Looks like he's going to pick Doc's nose!

Wow, he did bow down. Boltagon? Okay, that's lame. Even Blackie McBoltington would be better.

Oooo. HULK SMASH his way into my heart.

Doc's having a hard time with this. That'd be a great way to kill him, not that I support that in any way, but to tamper with the natural order. It makes him ooky.

Ok, it's unnatural cause the Mists got their, uhm, mists in a twist and created him? That's bogus. He's as natural as corn syrup. Didn't you hear? It's just made from corn!

But seriously. He's getting the fuzzy end of the lollipop here. He created a fantasy world with fake people and plays with them. If that's wrong, I don't want to be right! Is this some self-reflexive loathing on Marvel's part? Where would they be without Beyonders, I mean fans?

We can interfere with our own species. I'm going to remember that!

Holy crap! Doc's in bed with Clea and...Wanda? Is that Wanda? THAT'S his greatest fantasy? I'm so depressed.

Seriously. I threw up a little in my mouth.

Great panel looking back down into the skylight of his village house.

And Reed dreams of Iron Man with boobies?

Wtf?

Namor's people invading the surface world, that I can live with.. that makes sense... but the others.. I can't go on...

Finally. Good for you BB!

Doc is having a total spaz. Did he turn him to stone? Yikes. I second your "Uhm", Reed, and add a "The Hell?" Did he do it to himself?

He was fragile...infantile. "And quite a %^$# idiot. " - Teehee!

Ok, so, I don't know what to make of any of that. All I know is I'm still barfy and need a drink. Oh, Doc. I thought I knew ya! I will have to purge all memory of this or find some fantastic rationalization. It just doesn't compute. I know he's a man, but his greatest desire is a threesome? I expect that from Amy Winehouse, but not from Doctor Strange.

I guess not having read about the Beyonder before leaves me a disadvantage here, but this ish left me with a strong "what the frak was that?" feeling. Characters out of whack and the story.. I don't get it.

Oh, well. They can't all be home runs. Unless you're juiced. Right, A-Rod?

S'all for tonight. I'm going to pretend none of that happened and weep softly.

NEW AVENGERS ILLUMINATI #2: NO GLOVE, NO LOVE

[A stream of consciousness live-blog]

Part 2...

The Infinity Gem, this Valentine's Day from Kay jewelers. Don't give her a diamond....give her Infinity. Or, better yet, cash.

Why is Doc always sending his astral projection to these meetings? The traffic in the village is murder, I'll just astrally project and be home in time for ER.

She-Hulk took it from Titania...Hee...TITania.

Why is Tony squicked by She-Hulk having many bad guys and is "bad guys" a euphemism?

Ooo, Namor no likey.

Ok, Infinity Gauntlet. Shame on me, but haven't read. I'm guessing the Gauntlet is that Mandarin meet Michael Jackson abomination on the cover.

I propose we quickly and quietly find all six of the infinity gems. - Hee! Let's see, quickly and quietly - these guys? I suppose they could get Nick Fury to mindwipe everyone...Sorry, I'm still bitter.

Wow, apparently Reed can do things quickly and quietly. Just ask Sue! Ba-dum-cha! That joke, in honor of Sue, was invisible.

I'm worried. Has Reed been spending too much time in the Negative Zone?

It's funny, I've had this feeling something annoying was lodged in the collective unconsciousness. I thought it was Nancy Grace.

I'm tellin' ya, I think Stretcho's gone a bit around the bend.

The Xavier Academy for Gifted Youngsters - "Gifted Youngsters" always makes me snicker. Sooooo pretentious.

Doctor Strange is my anchor too! Love you, Stephen!

Pissy Namor. I love when he's all petulant, which, let's face it, is pretty much all the time. Maybe it's because he's mostly in a Speedo.

The collective unconscious is blank? Maybe TV is bad for you.

Ok, the Gem is the collective unconscious. I get it. Cool, that's --. I don't get it.

Is that sweat dripping from Reed's brow? What isn't he telling them? Secrets, secrets are no fun. Secrets, secrets, hurt someone!

I always feel sorry for Black Bolt. He should carry around a little pad to write notes on. That would ruin the fine line of his form-fitting black suit, but... Really. Not being able to talk or scream or laugh. He needs an Earth-shattering hug.

They're doing it! But what are they doing? Harnessing the shockwave and power of BB's scream to warp time?

Hehehe. I do so adore the Ever Lovin' Thing. He would be an hysterical addition to this serious brainy mix.

Ripping reality - not recommended.

That horrifying toothy monster - now, that's the collective unconscious!

Yikes, it's disenchancelling Tony's arm!

Ooooo, I love the panel with Doc screaming Noooo! There's something about it that takes me back. And he has excellent teeth.

Get the Gauntlet!

Gah! That was creepy. Come on Illuminati. Wake up.

Uatu! Bringing the smack down! He totally reminds me of those peeps from that Star Trek episode the Empath where Kirk, Spock and McCoy are held captive on Panet Stage Ten and these big-headed aliens are running an experiment with this waifish chick who can take away their pain and injuries. And everyone is all "No, spare my friends. Take me. Hurt me, not them!" And she risks her phoney-baloney life to save McCoy (I think) and yay, she's an empath and wears gauze! And, btw, what was that girl's name?... GEM. Coincidence? Totally. I shudder to think at the endless hurt/comfort stories written in basements around the globe after that episode aired. Hold me, Spock.

"I have broken the code of my existence countless times for you." - Hee. Maybe the code blows? Or he's not Watcher material. Maybe he's just a Peeker or a Glancer. Just kidding. Love you, Uatu.

Hmmm.. six gems.. six Illuminati. Either that or they give it Menudo.

Okay, okay... Menudo only had five members, but they could always give the What Happened to My Career Gem to Ricky Martin.

Ok, I trust Doc and Black Bolt to protect and not use their gems, but the others... not that they'd do bad things on purpose, but they all have enough ego to believe they could wield the power for good and it "had to be done and they were the only ones to do it." Men. I can see each of them justifying the use. I think Namor's already thinking about it.

*pretentious ghostly voice* No good will come of this!

Reed looks suitable chastened, but good god man, what were you thinking? Have you not read any of the previous issues?

Just for that Namor should get to sleep with Sue. Again.

And that look.. damn, that's a creepy I'm gonna use my gem before I even get to my car look if I ever saw one. Charles never looked sexier.

S'all for now!

NEW AVENGERS ILLUMINATI #1: MOOOOM, THE SKRULLS ARE TOUCHING ME!

[A stream of consciousness live-blog]

Ya know, it's the desert planets you have to look out for. They're always invading. The lush green planets with foliage, they hang out and peel fruit. But the dry places, they'll stab as soon as look at you. If the Middle East were still a verdant plain, none of this mishegaas would be happening today.

Sew those Secret Invasion seeds of corporate synergy!

Uninvited, they just drop by, I didn't have time to tidy up!

I guess Doc transported them or was it Reed? Think of the redeemable miles!

But seriously, wow. What an abrupt and to the f'ing point arrival. Hi, how are ya, don't even think about it...I wish my family was like this on holidays.

Gosh, Reed getting angry. He's always so calm.

Ok, this is not going well.

Uh-oh, great panel with Black Bolt about to speak.

Holy shitski. One word and KABLAMO! The whole place is Detroited.

Run away! Run away!

Nothing like a good Quinjet for a quick escape.

That was like some serious adult Ding-Dong Ditch.

Ah, Namor, so gracious in victory.

Wow. They's blowed out of the sky. Ruh-roh.

Ooooo.. stretching Reed to his limits. That sounds (and looks) painful.

Namor's gettin' cooked. Au Gratin.

He's going to invite his family to watch the torture? These Skrulls...is there anything redeeming about them? I know there's a whole thing with the Terrigen Mists, right? It's all embuey or something.

Hey, it looks like Chuck is standing. He gets cured and uncured a lot, don't he?

Yay, Doc confounds them. I summon the Culottes of Confusion! Is it a skirt or is it shorts? You don't know!

Oh, a Skrull putting on Iron Man's helmet.. that's pissing me off!

Naked Tony. This issue has it all.

Holy Appearing Avengers! Are they real? They can't be real. So cool to see the old team! Seeing them like this really makes me miss them. I would love, love, love, a retro Avengers title that had the 60s and 70s teams in modernly told tales. Like this but the whole dealio.

Go, naked Tony, go!

Yikes. An angry Xavier. He scares me more than Magneto. Must be all the curing and uncuring.

I would very much like to hit something. - Hee!

No, mustn't leave the Eye! Look into my eyes, Tony. Fyvush Finkel!

D'oh! That lone skrull in Reed's torture chamber is gonna be soooo sorry. Go Namor!

By Hoary Host of ABC's Good Morning America...

OoooOOoooo. Galactus. Now, that's a quality illusion! Don't know how many GCI peeps it would take for us plain folks to pull that off.

But, hey, we made it clear that if come for us, the fight will be a real fight. Maybe now they'll look for someone else to pick on.

Pause.

Well, at least now they know it'll be a good fight.

Great moment. And leaving behind a seething, battered, vengeful enemy who's willing to wait.

MUY FANTASTICO.

Love it. It's sooooo great to see so much Doc and I love all of the others too. Also nice to know that the apparently best and brightest minds of the Marvel Universe have just, by their taking the fight to the enemy, started a friggin' war. Nice goin'! Thanks, Earth's Mightiest! Stark Enterprises probably also manufactures duct tape.

Can't wait to read the next ish, but I'll save it. By the Hairpins of Harlem, I will!

- Uatu