Wednesday, April 8, 2009

WORLD WAR HULK #2: WARRIORS, COME OUT TO PLAY-E-AY!!!


[A stream of consciousness live-blog]
with commentary from MICHAEL

Hulk has really big teeth.


HE GOT CAPS AND WHITENING BACK IN 1997 WHEN HE BECAME "SMART HULK" (AGAIN).

She-Hulk's chesticles need their own zip code. Seriously, they're looking bigger than ever. Like "the giant vegetables from that episode of Lost in Space" big.


YES, AND.....?

And Reed looks like an angry, stretchy, C Thomas Howell. C. Thomas Howell!


HE DOES! MAYBE ROMITA JR. IS A FAN OF "RED DAWN".

Is that Iron Fist? I always picture Dean Butler as Danny. Is that wrong? Oh, Manly. Don't answer that.


IF I KNEW WHO DEAN BUTLER WAS, I WOULD ANSWER. OKAY LOOKING HIM UP.....HAH! PRETTY GOOD ON-THE-NOSE-CASTING. I AM GOING NON-CONVENTIONAL AND CASTING PATRICK LABEARTEUX.

He's being kinda pissy, isn't he? I always read the bolded words in comics with Shatneresque pausing emphasis. I'm sure that's not the plan, but that's what happens. It's always funny and in this case, really snotty. Illusions.


YES THE BOLDIES ARE FOR SHATNERIZING. I HAVE ALWAYS LOVED THEM. THEY ARE A SMALL BUT HUGELY IMPORTANT PART OF THE READING EXPERIENCE, ESPECIALLY AS A KID. THE BOLDIES SORT OF DO SOME OF THE ACTING AND VOICING FOR YOU, IN YOUR HEAD. WHEN YOU'RE READING ANY OF THESE, YOU'RE ALWAYS SIMULTANEOUSLY ACTING THEM OUT - DIFFERENT VOICES FOR DIFFERENT PEOPLE, BUT ALL OF THEM YOUR OWN VOICE. THAT'S THE INNER JOY OF THIS MEDIUM. YOU ARE SUBCONSCIOUSLY ALMOST FORCED TO BE AN ACTUAL PARTICIPANT IN THE STORY AND ACTIONS AND THOUGHTS. A TV SHOW OR A MOVIE HAVE TO GO A LONGER WAY TO ENGAGE ALL OF YOU THE WAY A COMIC DOES. EXCEPT FOR "THE SAN PEDRO BEACH BUMS". THAT SHOW USED ALL OF YOU, ALL OF THE TIME. A LOST CLASSIC AND AN IMPORTANT PART OF STUART PANKIN'S CANNON.

Is that the same Ronin from pre-Civil War? That Maya Conchita Alonzo chicky? If so, she needs to lay off he HGH.


OKAY, IN "NEW AVENGERS" AT THIS TIME, HAWKEYE BECOMES THE NEW RONIN. MAYA-ECHO-FORMERLY-RONIN IS ECHO AGAIN. YOU'LL SEE HER BAD-ASS AND BEAUTIFUL SELF IN ISH 3 I BELIEVE. SO - HAWKEYE IS NOW RONIN AND ECHO IS ECHO.

Okay, so that's her in the Not Ronin outfit. I'm confused. I need to have a drink with Ian McShane. He's just one of those actors you want to have a drink with.


I EXPLAINED ABOVE. STOP PRESSURING ME.

Wow. Trying to nuke Hulk was bad, but just giving yourself over? I'm worried for you, Stephen!


YOU SURE AS SHINOLA SHOULD BE.

Hee. "Children". Ya know, I read that comic "Sleepwalker", the ill-fated Epic comic that was supposedly a set-up for Doc's daughter. She's living in New Orleans and eating crawfish. He's one of the few Marvel characters that I wish had a chitlin. He'd be a great and terrible father. You could never live up to his expectations, but he's a doodle too and can do magic. Imagine the birthday parties.


"DORMAMMU GOT YOU Wii SORCERER'S EDITION. SAY THANK YOU TO UNCLE DORMAMMU!"

He needs a hero.... Footloose flashback.. Bonnie Tyler on the brain now... I wonder who it is? Hmmm. I'm gonna guess that kid Rick whatshisname. Is he still around? He used to listen to him. Is he a hero now? Or is he toast? Or is this some existential thing and the hero is Bruce?


RICK IS ALIVE AND WELL AND FOREVER THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON'S IN HULK'S LIFE. THE ONE RESPONSIBLE FOR BRUCE'S HULKINESS AND HIS BEST FRIEND.

Ah, so he brought the whole family.

Who is the Black Knightish dude calling for the Avengers? Ah, it's Ares. I thought he was naughty. No, wait, that's DC. Poor me another, Ian!


YEAH ARES IS A MEMBER OF MIGHTY-DICKISH-AVENGERS. HE'S A HEAVY-HITTER, IN THOR'S LEAGUE, ALMOST.

Who's the guy with green hair?


DOC SAMSON. GAMMA-EMPOWERED PSYCHIATRIST. SERIOUSLY. AN OLD FRIEND OF HULK'S WHO HAS HAD HULK ON THE COUCH OVER THE YEARS.

Is that Wonder Man? Did he get a bad die job? He looks totally different. I know, I know... it's Wonder Man, but not the old Wonder Man. It's like the different Darins on Bewitched. It's just plain messed up.


YEAH WONDER MAN HAS BEEN WEARING HIS AWFUL 70S LEISURE-SUIT FOR A WHILE NOW. I MISS HIS COSTUME-COSTUME. HERE HE LOOKS LIKE A YOUNG ALEX CORD CROSSED WITH A PIMP.

Cool. Hulks smashing each other.


I FEEL BAD FOR JEN. WHAT A FUCKED-UP FAMILY. I HAVE COUSINS LIKE THIS, TOO, BUT THEY HAVE NEVER SMASHED ME INTO THE SEWER SYSTEM.

Avengers attack? Wtf? It's assemble? Is this some Mighty Avengers thing. Have to make it their own? Pfft. Attack? That's not what it's all about. Boogers.


THEY SAY IT ONCE IN A WHILE. IT'S SEMI-REGULAR. I KNOW, IT'S ANNOYING AND WHY WOULD THEY TELL YOU WHAT THEY WERE ABOUT TO DO? RI RON'T ROW.

Hee. Korg's the Zippy the Pinhead meets the Thing.

YES. I LOVE HIS NAME. GREAT ALIEN-NAME.

Crikey, the Richards are disfunctional.


WITHOUT SUE REED WOULD BARELY BE A HUMAN BEING. HE WOULD JUST CRYSTALIZE INTO A SILICON CHIP.

I love it when the Thing and Hulk fight. It feels almost fair and I'm not worried about boo-boos.


YEAH AND I WOULD HAVE FELT SOOOOOOOOOOO RIPPED-OFF IF THEY DIDN'T DO THE CLASSIC THING-HULK FIGHT. THIS ONE MADE ME NERVOUS, BECAUSE I KNEW HULK WOULD WHOMP HIM. I LOVE THE THING LIKE
I LOVE MY UNCLES AND I HATE SEEING HIM HURT. HE HAS ACTUALLY BEATEN THE HULK ON MORE THAN ONE OCCASSION. ALWAYS MADE ME SO HAPPY. BUT I GET WHY THEY HAD TO DO THIS. HULK OUT OF CONTROL.
NOT YOUR MOMMA'S HULK. BLABBEDY-BLAH.

I THINK JOHN ROMITA JR. DRAWS ONE OF THE BEST THINGS. MY ORDER OF GREATNESS: KIRBY, RICH BUCKLER, JOHN AND SAL BUSCEMA, AND ROMITA JR. HE'S NOT EASY TO DRAW I WOULD BET. NOT THE ROCKS, EITHER.
HE HAS TO LOOK IMPOSING AND SOME ARTISTS MAKE HIM LOOK LIKE TEDDY RUXPIN.

But that had to hurt! My brother boxed my ears once. He also gave me indian burns, horse bites and smacked me with orange matchbox track. My brother was a meanie.


NAH, JUST A BOY WHO WANTED TO KILL HIS SISTER AND TAKE HER PLACE IN SOME TRAGIC GREEK PSYCHODRAMA.

Why pretend to be the Sentry?


OKAY - YOU KNOW THE SENTRY IS A RETCON CHARACTER WHO WAS ONE OF THE FIRST HEROES, ETC. WELL - SOME RECENT STORIES HAVE TOLD US THAT THE SENTRY WAS A GENUINE FRIEND OF THE SAVAGE 60S-70S HULK AND WAS THE ONLY PERSON WHO COULD CALM HIM DOWN. HULK LITERALLY WOULD JUST GET CALM AROUND HIM AND CALL HIM "GOLDEN MAN". TO HULK HE WAS A VISION, OR AN ANGEL, OR A GIANT PLATE OF BUFFALO WINGS. SO THE FF WAS TRYING TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THAT RELATIONSHIP. BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT RELATIONSHIPS ARE FOR.

Oh, Stretch got it, but good. Hulk's making easy work of all of them and I'm only on ish 2... hmmm.....


THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I HAVE FELT FOR REED IN LIKE THREE YEARS. NOBODY DESERVES THAT.

Rick Jones! I kiss myself.


YEP AND I LIKE HIS RECENT DAVID-CASSIDY-ISH LOOK. POINT HIM IN THE DIRECTION OF ALBUQUERQUE.

*sniff* Cap's dead. He woulda found a way to help the Hulk. Gimme another, Ian.


YEAH THAT'S A GREAT MOMENT. EVEN HULK IS WIGGED OUT. THAT'S HOW AWESOME CAP IS AND WILL BE AGAIN WHEN NEW-BUCKY-CAP STOPS SELLING.

I wish you'd been here before. You may go nuts, but nine times out of ten, you seem to hit who ever needs hitting and those guys sure needed it.
Wordy McWord!


YEP THAT'S MY FAVORITE PART OF THE WHOLE MINI. IT'S QUINTESSENTIALLY WHAT THE HULK IS AND WHY HE'S A HERO, NOT A MONSTER.

Get out of my head! - That takes me back to all those fabu early Defenders where "Stupid Magician!" would summon Hulk. *sigh* Good times.


YEAH IT'S NOT SO CUTE ANYMORE TO HEAR DOC IN YOUR HEAD WHEN YOU'RE FEELING BETRAYED BY HIM.

Hercules has a team?

YES. AT THIS POINT "THE INCREDIBLE HULK" IS ABOUT TO BECOME "THE INCREDIBLE HERCULES" AND HERC WORKS WITH NAMORITA (SIGH) AND ANGEL AND AMADEUS CHO. THEY'RE LIKE THE NEW CHAMPIONS. DON'T SCOFF. I MISS THE CHAMPIONS AND ISH 1 IN 1975 IS ONE OF THE BEST COVERS OF ANY COMIC. JUST PURE AND BEAUTIFUL.

Hehehehe! General Ross and his four star mustache! Awesome.


OOOO THE ROSS STUFF IS AWESOME. YOU WILL KVELL, ESPECIALLY WHEN HE SUMMARIZES HIS WHOLE RELATIONSHIP WITH HULK IN THE FIRST TWO PAGES OF ISH 3. HE'S BADDER THAN SAM ELLIOT AND WILLIAM HURT BOTH. "THANKSCH FER THE BEER, MIHO!!!" (BAD IMPRESSION OF SAM ELLIOT FROM "ROADHOUSE")

Phew! That was fun!

I TOLD YA YOU HAD TO READ IT. IT'S OLD-SCHOOL MARVEL MAYHEM. THIS KIND OF STUFF USED TO HAPPEN ON A MONTHLY BASIS AND WAS NEVER BILLED AS AN "EVENT". EVERYTHING WAS AN EVENT AT MARVEL. THE HUMAN FLY WAS AN EVENT. THE MICRONAUTS WERE AN EVENT. ROM, SPACEKNIGHT WAS AN EVENT. NIGHT NURSE WAS AN EVENT.

CAN'T WAIT FOR YOU TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS TO DOC STRANGE
.

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