CIVIL WAR #1: FORT SUMTER

[A stream of consciousness live-blog]

Okay, opening it up...

I'm filled with nervous anticipation and broccoli as I start. I am told this is an “event”, like the Red Sea parting or a bra sale at Loehmann’s.

Nitro? From American Gladiator to super-villain, how the mighty have...risen.

Speedfreak almost took down the Hulk? I don't even know what he can do, but I call bullshit on that.

Ah, some sort of reality show. Must that crap invade even my fantasy world? Damn you, Mark Burnett!

Driving around the Midwest looking for goofballs to fight? Dude, have you been to Venice Beach? Shhhhhhhaaa!

Namorita, as in Namor's little cousin Namorita? He must have disowned her by now. She used to be not completely annoying. Has she always been blue? Is that henna? Oy and glug-glug.

Ok, I don't know who the chick who "marked" them was, but for the love of my sanity, what the hell is with the thong showing above the juicy c. sweatpants? Let's just keep that a Secret, Victoria. It's like wearing a sign that says "Two Bits, Joe". Underwear should be under your clothes. It's like a whole thing. That outfit.. something MJ would wear. Nuff said.

Blood and people pieces fly in these fights, but where are the teeth?

Wow.

Big susplosion.

Cool, a comic cold open.

Who's the big black dude? Another Goliath? Hank in blackface? I cannot keep this stuff straight.

When did Tony's boots start having that cloven hoove thing happening? Creepy. And, does Cap have a toadie that carries around a tattered American flag and tosses it at his feet for photo ops? And what's with his boots? Who designed the footwear for this issue? Caps boots are clunky and the foldover is out of control, they look like uber bellbottoms. Call Bruno Magli! I know this is a serious scene, but fashion isn't just for fun.

Cap either has spittle or a cold sore on his lip. Was the Black Widow in town? I'm just sayin'!

Since when have the Sentinels been babysitting the X-Men? After the Wonderful World of Wanda? Next week, be sure to watch The Computer Wore Tennis Shoes, starring Kurt Russell and Cesar Romero!

Ah, it is some kind of Goliath. But, I shall call him Captain Obvious or Senor Expositionito.

Is that She-Hulk on Larry King? He's gotta be a Skrull.

Wow, spitting on Tony. Damn. That always makes me think of To Kill A Mockingbird. “There's a lot of ugly things in this world, son. I wish I could keep 'em all away from you. That's never possible.” Oh, Atticus. I need a moment.

And, there it is.. the blood of children line...I owe myself $5.

Flippin' JJ! He's a machine and who is that scary MoFo on the right of that panel? He needs some Burts' Bees stat.

Wow, so now they want Supers not just be registered, but to pass basic tests. Interesting. I don't need the costume no more, ma! They got them testes and such.

Wow, Johnny Human Torch is a brat. I always thought of him as cocky, but decent. This is ugly.

Getting cracked on the bean with a bottle isn't cool, but man... could he have been a bigger asshat? Flame On, Johnny Storm.

Party at the FF's.

Stephen. Hello! May I take your Cloak Of Levitation?

Is that Hank and Jan? I thought he was black now.

Post-humans? That's an icky way of putting it. How about Unevolved Losers?

Wow, is Tony truly fully on board the HU(SH)AC train?

Hee, the Thing called Logan "stumpy"!

Nighthawk! Is that my Nighthawk? Having your brain out of your body for three issues can really change a man. (Peace out, Chondu!) I've missed you, Kyle, and your bazillions. Buy baby something nice?

Who's Patriot?

Cap! I'm always so happy to see him. Is it just me?

Boo.... Miss Hill. Respect the badge...piffle.

Oh snap, Cap! You tell her!

Oh, no they dinnint! SHIELD is so retarded. Yes. I said it and I meant it.

Damn her to hell is right and get Cap some Tiger Balm.

Every time I see SHIELD they're like the Army chasing the A-Team. Completely inept. I know, I know, they're actually really cool soldiers blablahhoorahcakes... and Cap is Da Man and half, but, they never get it right. I guess I need to read some old Howling Commandos or something because these guys are rubes.

On the other hand, Cap is beautiful in battle.

Keep flying, son and watch that potty mouth. Could I heart this man more?

Uatu.. he's very changeable in size, isn't he?

His presence does not bode well. - You ain't whistlin' dixie, doc!

Tell me a story. Tell me the story of Cap's 1970s throwdown with the government when he went all Nomad n stuffs.... Pleeeease?

Oh, Tony. And Reed and crazyass Hank too! All the brains. Well, that's three biggun's anyway.

Leave Captain America to us. - Oh, crappydoodles.

Oh man oh Manischewitz, this is going to be painful, but interesting. Can't wait to see who falls on what side and why. Tony they've explained pretty well. Reed likes order, I suppose. Wonder if Sue will agree. Doubt the Thing will. Hank, he's crazy so who knows. I guess he's projecting his own need for control onto others. Something tells me Jan is going to side with Cap. Peter, will he stay with Tony or go with your hero and mine, Cap? It's pretty clear where Doc Stephen My Future Husband stands - he's disgusted by the whole affair. Logan, no question where he stands. Luke's got to be against it.

And, one thing I'm wondering..WWTD? What Would Thor Do? He's pretty straight laced and has that royal lineage thing happening, but I guess he'd excuse himself from the human hullabaloo and retire to Aaaaasgard for some mead while we mere mortals tear our lil old selves asunder.

And so it begins.