CIVIL WAR #1: FORT SUMTER

[A stream of consciousness live-blog]

Okay, opening it up...

I'm filled with nervous anticipation and broccoli as I start. I am told this is an “event”, like the Red Sea parting or a bra sale at Loehmann’s.

Nitro? From American Gladiator to super-villain, how the mighty have...risen.

Speedfreak almost took down the Hulk? I don't even know what he can do, but I call bullshit on that.

Ah, some sort of reality show. Must that crap invade even my fantasy world? Damn you, Mark Burnett!

Driving around the Midwest looking for goofballs to fight? Dude, have you been to Venice Beach? Shhhhhhhaaa!

Namorita, as in Namor's little cousin Namorita? He must have disowned her by now. She used to be not completely annoying. Has she always been blue? Is that henna? Oy and glug-glug.

Ok, I don't know who the chick who "marked" them was, but for the love of my sanity, what the hell is with the thong showing above the juicy c. sweatpants? Let's just keep that a Secret, Victoria. It's like wearing a sign that says "Two Bits, Joe". Underwear should be under your clothes. It's like a whole thing. That outfit.. something MJ would wear. Nuff said.

Blood and people pieces fly in these fights, but where are the teeth?

Wow.

Big susplosion.

Cool, a comic cold open.

Who's the big black dude? Another Goliath? Hank in blackface? I cannot keep this stuff straight.

When did Tony's boots start having that cloven hoove thing happening? Creepy. And, does Cap have a toadie that carries around a tattered American flag and tosses it at his feet for photo ops? And what's with his boots? Who designed the footwear for this issue? Caps boots are clunky and the foldover is out of control, they look like uber bellbottoms. Call Bruno Magli! I know this is a serious scene, but fashion isn't just for fun.

Cap either has spittle or a cold sore on his lip. Was the Black Widow in town? I'm just sayin'!

Since when have the Sentinels been babysitting the X-Men? After the Wonderful World of Wanda? Next week, be sure to watch The Computer Wore Tennis Shoes, starring Kurt Russell and Cesar Romero!

Ah, it is some kind of Goliath. But, I shall call him Captain Obvious or Senor Expositionito.

Is that She-Hulk on Larry King? He's gotta be a Skrull.

Wow, spitting on Tony. Damn. That always makes me think of To Kill A Mockingbird. “There's a lot of ugly things in this world, son. I wish I could keep 'em all away from you. That's never possible.” Oh, Atticus. I need a moment.

And, there it is.. the blood of children line...I owe myself $5.

Flippin' JJ! He's a machine and who is that scary MoFo on the right of that panel? He needs some Burts' Bees stat.

Wow, so now they want Supers not just be registered, but to pass basic tests. Interesting. I don't need the costume no more, ma! They got them testes and such.

Wow, Johnny Human Torch is a brat. I always thought of him as cocky, but decent. This is ugly.

Getting cracked on the bean with a bottle isn't cool, but man... could he have been a bigger asshat? Flame On, Johnny Storm.

Party at the FF's.

Stephen. Hello! May I take your Cloak Of Levitation?

Is that Hank and Jan? I thought he was black now.

Post-humans? That's an icky way of putting it. How about Unevolved Losers?

Wow, is Tony truly fully on board the HU(SH)AC train?

Hee, the Thing called Logan "stumpy"!

Nighthawk! Is that my Nighthawk? Having your brain out of your body for three issues can really change a man. (Peace out, Chondu!) I've missed you, Kyle, and your bazillions. Buy baby something nice?

Who's Patriot?

Cap! I'm always so happy to see him. Is it just me?

Boo.... Miss Hill. Respect the badge...piffle.

Oh snap, Cap! You tell her!

Oh, no they dinnint! SHIELD is so retarded. Yes. I said it and I meant it.

Damn her to hell is right and get Cap some Tiger Balm.

Every time I see SHIELD they're like the Army chasing the A-Team. Completely inept. I know, I know, they're actually really cool soldiers blablahhoorahcakes... and Cap is Da Man and half, but, they never get it right. I guess I need to read some old Howling Commandos or something because these guys are rubes.

On the other hand, Cap is beautiful in battle.

Keep flying, son and watch that potty mouth. Could I heart this man more?

Uatu.. he's very changeable in size, isn't he?

His presence does not bode well. - You ain't whistlin' dixie, doc!

Tell me a story. Tell me the story of Cap's 1970s throwdown with the government when he went all Nomad n stuffs.... Pleeeease?

Oh, Tony. And Reed and crazyass Hank too! All the brains. Well, that's three biggun's anyway.

Leave Captain America to us. - Oh, crappydoodles.

Oh man oh Manischewitz, this is going to be painful, but interesting. Can't wait to see who falls on what side and why. Tony they've explained pretty well. Reed likes order, I suppose. Wonder if Sue will agree. Doubt the Thing will. Hank, he's crazy so who knows. I guess he's projecting his own need for control onto others. Something tells me Jan is going to side with Cap. Peter, will he stay with Tony or go with your hero and mine, Cap? It's pretty clear where Doc Stephen My Future Husband stands - he's disgusted by the whole affair. Logan, no question where he stands. Luke's got to be against it.

And, one thing I'm wondering..WWTD? What Would Thor Do? He's pretty straight laced and has that royal lineage thing happening, but I guess he'd excuse himself from the human hullabaloo and retire to Aaaaasgard for some mead while we mere mortals tear our lil old selves asunder.

And so it begins.

ANIMATED JERRY LEWIS REVIEWS "WATCHMEN"

OOOOOOO with the adaptation of the seminal work in the comic books from the 1986 with the reverence and the deconstruction of the genre and the real-life ramifications of the fighting of the evil with the costumes and the sexuality and the hitting of the dogs on the heads with the axe and the parallels to global unrest and the in-depth characterizations of previously two-dimensional characters has been made into a mooooooving picture and it looks lovely and pretty and has the hurting of the people and the solid casting but the many nice persons who didn't read the novel with the graphics will be with the scratching of the heads and the confusion but it does have the GIRLIEEEEES!!! to keep the boys in the happy warm place and the giant squid is nowhere to be found but that's okay and Bubastis looks like leftover footage from the Sci-Fi Channel's "Sabretooth" and ooo the ending is a little different but that's okay because the kids need the hope and oooooo, eee-OOOGAH, it's over now. HYMEN!!!

INFINITY GAUNTLET #6: BOBBY STEPS OUT OF THE SHOWER AT SOUTHFORK

[A stream of consciousness live-blog]

Thanos and his Celestial Codpiece of Arrogance are really something.

The Hulk looks like a giant Limecicle. I love those. In fact, I'm going to have one right now!

Doc is looking spiffy.

Hee. Perhaps, this all-seeing Goddess will not see or sense my magics if I do it behind my back!

Yay! A cosmic do-over!

Hulk's back looking for love in the all the wrong places. Eros is sent home where I hope someone kicks his sorry ass. Cloak and Dagger shag in an alley. Doom broods and plots. Namor wonders why he doesn't get a percentage of Paramount's Vulcan merchandising. NotThor is wearing a mask? Iron Man answers the phone! Hello, Avengers HQ... No, I'm sure.. there's a BIG A on the outside. Quasar, at least I think that's who that is, does nothing interesting. AlbinoVision wonders why the colorists hate him. Regular humans are stupid and puny and so we don't care what they're doing. Cap is giggley with excitement. Stupid ol MJ's back. Poop.

Come on. She wouldn't wish that part back the way it was. She could pick and choose. And if she wished it completely back, and she must have cause she's all Leona Helmsley again, then why is the gauntlet still on her hand? Hmm...?

Ok, phew. She caught it just in time.

What the heck is Warlock waiting for? Sheesh.

Oh, great. Now Norrin gets one right in the chest. Thanks a lot, Adam!

I understand why they have to use this ploy, but it's really illogical that Doc's hands have to be free to perform his magic. I mean, it's MAGIC!

The Cosmic Beings do not look happy.

Wot happan?

F'in Warlock and his "plan".

A mind meld. Whats's next, Pon farr?

Nebula has the power to pastel.

Oh, I hate when we're all building to a climax and then... meanwhile... argh.

Gamora? The green husk from ish 1? She goes to Doc's with Iron Man from where? What the hell? And Pip and Ferdinand are there just kickin' it.

Why in the name of Mike Rowe didn't Warlock do this earlier?

You go, Doc. You summon!

Ok, and these reserves are plucked out reality, with no knowledge of what happened and.. ok, ok.. I know.. moving on...

It's a scrum!

Hee. Love the hair pulling.

In a burst of rainbow delight, Warlock arrives. Is he gonna go all power mad now too?

Love the Destroyer's expression! Hee.

"And my person..." What an odd choice of phrasing.

Nicely done, NotThor.

"Go forth and tell the masses that Adam Warlock is a god who can be trusted." Hilarious!

You tell him, Doc!

With great power comes a huge electric bill.

Somebody needs to yank that glove off him pronto.

"Sixty days into the future on an unnamed planet.. my own title will begin."

Thanos is Shoeless Joe! Aww, it's not him. Ah, but he lives!

Thanos is a farmer? And he's content being a farmer? Seriously? That's the end?

Criminy.

INFINITY GAUNTLET #5: CLASH OF THE TITANS

[A stream of consciousness live-blog]

Harry Hamlin is Perseus. Harry Hamlin! Seriously.

Opensies...

Raise your hand if you think the Watcher will interfere?

Also, he's got very shapely legs.

Are some of those Cosmic Entities actually just heads? I mean, all the time? I love the purple Edward G. Robinson one. Yehn, you can dish it out, but you got so you can't take it no more.

Good thing Thanos remembers his blocking. Fist raised defiantly in classic 3/4 stance.

Galactus's head gear looks so unwieldy. And a bit showy really.

Who is the tiny head in the scraggly circle? He needs a new agent.

They keep emphasizing Nebula. If she doesn't play a major role before this over, I'm going to pitch a hissy.

Yay, Doc. I can't believe with all of his power and smarts they have him watching this on closed-circuit orb.

Oh, he gets to locate stuff too. *sigh*

Ok, wasn't Doc there when they tried to recruit Eternity et al? What did he think was going to happen when they joined the battle. He's so shocked he's gratuitously using his catchphrase, but come on... He should be deadly serious and sexily steeling himself. But nooooo.

Pretty explosion. Would make a wicked cool black light poster.

Ah, Mistress Death is the giver of life. How's that work exactly? And she's immune to reality? Ok, I know.. going with it.

What exactly does Warlock do? So far, it seems anyway, without Surfer he'd be out of this.

Earth jarred lose from its orbit... I don't think the dimension distortion cascade really matters here.

Interdimensional scavengers! Like CAA or Endeavor. I kid. I kid because I love. Call me.

I have no idea what's happening, but the colors are incredibly vivid and beautiful in this end of the universe battle.

Mistress Love and Sire Hate. I think Hate is a cross-dresser. Your secret is safe with me.

Mephisto thinks he can just saunter in and deglove Thanos? It can't be that simple.

Poor Surfer. He's an emotional wreck throughout this, isn't he?

Oooooo, Eternity. He is soooo cool.

Warlock is linked to the Infinity Gems in ways the writers haven't thought of yet.

Hee. Doctor Strange still standing there even though Earth was knocked out of its orbit.

Seeing Thanos as Eternity is creepy-beepy.

Go, Nebula, go!

Hee. She took the glove off. Damn, it was that easy.

For her revenge, she banishes him? Come on. With an eternity to think on her vengeance and that's what she comes up with? Amateurs.

I hope his need of Doctor Strange's mystic talents goes beyond being a travel agent.

Oh, Surfer. Why is someone always rushing in when they shouldn'ta oughta? And, is just me or is Surfer looking like he's been taking HGH?

Go Doc! Make sure you collect your commission.

Hee. Now, they're all sitting around talking. It always cracks me up to see characters like Thanos, sitting in a chair like they've just popped over for tea. Pass the sugar, you world hungry maniac.

Oh heavens. Warlock pulls an In Treatment and Thanos falls like a house of cards.

I wish I knew Nebula's back story. I don't understand her animosity or why she chose that outfit. I mean with her blue skin tone she should go with a burnt orange and tangerine for daytime.

Well, at least Doc's out in the field finally! Looks like Warlock might come in handy in the end with his gem linkage. We'll see.

Phew.

SIDE EFFECTS INCLUDE

Runny nose, dizziness and DECREASE IN SEMEN.

These are actual potential side effects of a drug I keep seeing ads for called FloMax. I have no idea what it's supposed to do or help you with, but in the ads a bunch of white-haired but still-vigorous 50ish men first look like it really, really hurts to pee, and then suddenly they are smiling like they all dropped a bag of hammers out of their urethras.

Anything that passes through your oboe and makes it easier to pee but ALSO DECREASES YOUR SEMEN probably has stuff like high fructose corn syrup and aspartame in it.

Now, the possible side effects they report are the ones that cleared the legal department. They COULD NOT HIDE the fact that this drug possibly decreases your semen. How many test bunnies did it take to reach this conclusion? "Sir, ALL of the bunnies are depressed and cannot get an erection. We even brought in a bunch of hot girl bunnies, and nothing. BUT, I'm happy to report, they all pee like Florida Skunk Apes. Just friggin' gallons of the stuff. You know who'll like this drug? Handsome, 50-ish men. Who do we have to blow at Health And Human Services?"

Is this what happens as soon as you join AARP? Do you wake up and say to yourself, man, I would really like to pee more easily and efficiently, and oh, throw in a lowered sperm count, too. Because I'm not peering deeply enough into the abyss yet. Make me unable to get excited by Tina Louise, too. Thanks, FloMax!

INFINITY GAUNTLET #4: THE BATTLE OF THERMOPYLAE, BUT WITH MORE CLOTHES

[A stream of consciousness live-blog]

And now we rejoin the melee already in progress...

NotThor, Firelord (why don't the other elements get to be superheroes?) , Namor and his amazing space-speedo and Iron Man in really awkward looking armor are about to take on the Cheshire Cat.

You know what's cool. Thor throws his hammer, IM sends off a repulsor ray or maybe Charlotte Rae (imagine the damage she could do!), Firelord shoots a fireball thingy but Namor - he just throws himself! Awesome.

So far Operation Cannon Fodder is going as planned. It's a fight against all odds... and now Ann Reinking will ruin that song forever. Again.

Is Mephisto yanking Thanos's chain here or what? I guess that's really his power though, isn't it? The silver tongued devil.

And, seriously, all this for a woman? On behalf of my sex, y'all need to reassess.

A 0.05% chance. I can hear the boards in Vegas flip. I need to go to Vegas again soon. I need a watered down drink in a plastic bong so big I could sublet it.

It's only Nebula? Good god man. This poor woman is damned to live like something out of the Weta workshop and all you can say is "Oh." You, Eros, are on my list.

I hope Nebula is freed and kicks his ass.

Ya know, Thanos's floating castle in space thing looks like that game "Don't Break the Ice". Remember? You'd put little ice blocks into this frame and then put a little fisherman guy on one, then you'd take turns whacking on the ice cubes till the little guy falls. Good times.

"This creep"... oh my kingdom for savage/doodle hulk! He's just so much more fun! Dumb purple face make hulk angry.

I keep confusing Vizh and the Surfer.. damn the design team to hell and Detroit.

"Away from me, you clowns!" Apparently being a god did not improve his vocabulary.

He turned Namor and She-Hulk into the Snuffleupagus. I always thought Snuffy was cool but I have to admit he scared me a little. I was always afraid he was going to step on someone.

Stupid Doom. Figures.

Eric Masterson...boy, I really did miss a lot skipping several decades.

Adamantium bone transforms into spongy rubber.. Eww.

You tell him, Surfer!

Mongo just pawn in game of life.

Wow, Wanda's bikini cut is riding high!

Ok, fins! Time out. Terraxia shouldn't be able to fight. And, note to Thanos, that's NOT going to endear you to Mistress Death. Just sayin'.

Cyclops. I've got to read some X-Men to purge the boring movie Scott from my mind. I hear tell he's a great character, but god was he flat as a 12 year old girl in the movie. Like Doom. I've read enough to know how awesome and fun he is. If I only had that craptastic version from tragic FF movies...

Ok, is Albino Vision el stupido? Why didn't he make himself all not there and stuff? Was Thanos too fast for him? Thanos doesn't look fast. I mean he's probably fast for an inside linebacker, but he's not built for speed. I wonder how he did at the combine.

Oh, even though he's Albino and not my Vizh.. I hate to see his guts yanked out.

Has there ever been a movie with an Albino hero? I mean they're always villains. The twins from Matrix, Silas from Please Buy My Next Book Even Though It's Derivative, I mean The DaVinci Code, the guy from Foul Play.. and of course, the Morlocks, who I totally don't blame for eating the Eloi. I'll have to google and see if there's been an albino hero...

That was a reaaaaaally long 60 seconds, Eric Masterson. Now, Bat Masterson. That's an awesome name.

Yeah, I guess the whole, let's leave the one who cast the spell that lets us breath behind idea wasn't so hot, was it? Why did they leave him? So he could coordinate or communicate or something? Well hells bells. I ain't seen none of that.

Oh, so now you give a crap about Nebula. Sort of. You're still on the list.

Finally, Spidey's in the fray. What the hell has he been doing?

Ok, what happened? Square as in cubes. What are all those? Is that Nova? The hell?

I know it's all going to be "reset", but I hate there are so many reminders that it's going to happen.

Quantum Bands. I wonder what they do.

Okay, not much apparently.

Cap is so awesome. Great series of panels.

The Surfer misses his mark? What? I call BS. He's got one thing to do. ONE... and he misses? Not my Norrin!

Ooooo, the big guns. Coolsies.

Eros is a sissy and I hope he gets his.

S'all for now. Next up, Astral Conflagration. Put some Witch Hazel on it and it'll be fine.

INFINITY GAUNTLET #3: IT'S A MAD, MAD, MAD, MAD UNIVERSE

[A stream of consciousness live-blog]

Okay, again with the same beat. I know, I know, they have to do that for those who join our program already in progress, but sheesh. We get it. He's all Death, you is my woman now and she's all De-nied. And he's all Mars Blackmon Please baby, pleasebaby, please baby, baby baby please!And she's all got her own groove and don't need his sorry ass. We get it.

I think Nick Fury is using that "Just for Men" hair crap or something. He's got that orange hair thing my TV news anchor does. Why doesn't someone tell him he looks like a bad Paas easter egg?

I love how Marvel manages to raise the stakes even when the Universe itself is in peril from the get-go. Genius.

A never ending ice age? That would blow. I get cranky with June Gloom. I don't even like to think about Seattle much less...*shiver* Canada. A never-ending ice age? If I'm trapped with John Leguizamo forever, I'm gonna kill myself.

Doc's place is a mess. What the hell does that servant bull thing do anyway?

I, too, sense the tremendous powers gather for a final confrontation. To strike out prematurely could prove disastrous... and cut into sales. This is a six issue mini, people, we've got to have filler first!

And away they go...

First clue that's not Thor, he calls Adam "Mr. Coppertone".

The Black Widow. She's here to help. No really, and break your heart. And maybe give you an STD.

Wow, they killed that lady dead.

Go Doc! Make that clarion call. Use Skype!

I don't like Bitchy Hulk. I want my Savage Hulk! *pitches a very unbecoming fit*

Doom is such a pain.

We pause a moment to give Moon Knight a completely pointless solo.

A Cosmic Gathering. I had one of those in college. Don't tell my mom.

Coolsies! Uatu, always ready to interfere, bless him! Eternity, who I think is one of the absolutely ginchiest designs evah! The Living Tribunal - wow, this takes me back. Ok, it takes me back a few months, but still! Neato Bandito!

If what Thanos is doing isn't a cosmic crime, then what is?

So the Watcher says he's just there to observe, but five'll get ya ten...

Good thing the Surfer has a long board. He'd look like a doofus on a Fish.

Ok, remind me to kick the Watcher's ass if I'm planning a sneak attack.

Aww, Hulk and Wolvy all cute and palsy.

Oh man, what a goofy panel with Terraxia. It's like she's walking out of stage for the Sonny and Cher show!

A breathing freely in the vacuum of space spell - another handy one!

Places everyone!

Sacrificial lambs. God, I would kill for one of Phillippe's french dips right now.

Well, the battle is almost joined but since we're just a the midpoint, something's got to put the kibosh on the dance. Hmmm...

S'all for now!