"AMERICAN IDOL" STILL ON THE AIR AND NO ONE CARES, SAYS EVERYONE

(PR Newswire - March 4, 2009) - Television ratings juggernaut "American Idol", a combination reality-show/nationwide talent contest, is still on the air, according to the TV that's blaring right in front of my face. Only, the thing is, no one really cares anymore and Paula always looks hopped up on X and Harvey Wallbangers anyway. Probably because of "Vibeology".

"I have no idea who's competing or what the fuck is going on or who the new younger hottie next to Paula Harvey Wallbanger is", said most of America, while nursing a warm beer and pizza rolls.

"Why do I need to watch a bunch of Gen Y-ers audition for a show I don't care about with songs I hate?" said the rest of the country, while hunting down and breaking their old Air Supply LPs in half.

"Also, that Simon guy? The Brit? He has man-tits."

The "American Idol" offices at Fox Studios could not be reached for comment, because no one called them, because no one gives a rat's and they should bring back "Herman's Head" and "Beans Baxter". Those shows were awesome.

RUSH LIMBAUGH HOPES FOR FAILURE OF SUPERMAN, JESUS, AND SANTA CLAUS

March 3, 2009 - (AP Wire) - Bloated conservative spokesman and radio host Rush Limbaugh ate chili fries and declared on his nationally-syndicated program this morning that he hopes that "Superman, Jesus and Santa Claus fail."

Nibbling on a rack of veal chops, Limbaugh railed against the wasteful spending of Superman, whose Fortress Of Solitude is curently in receivership. Limbaugh then asserted that Jesus thought He was more famous than Rush, with a truly international audience, and "needs to be taught a lesson". In regards to Santa Claus, Limbaugh provided little detail on the cause of his displeasure with the jolly gift giver, but entertained his loyal audience of 20 million listeners with the story of his own first Christmas as a child, where he woke up to no presents and was told by his parents that there's no Santa, get used to it, and then they beat him and he ate a lot of cake later that day.

Spokespersons for Superman, Jesus and Santa Claus did not return phone calls. Limbaugh likes pies and can eat a whole one without chewing once.

INFINITY GAUNTLET #2: BUNS OF VIBRANIUM

[A stream of consciousness live-blog]

Let us pause a moment to appreciate Cap's tuchus. Like Michelangelo's David, that's a hiney I shan't soon forget. God Bless you, Cap!

Ok, moving on...

By Odin's Beard! Thor has a beard. He looks like Merlin Olsen. By the way, despite what you may have heard, Father Murphy was not a spin-off from Little House on the Prairie. I'm glad we cleared that up.

Why is She-Hulk dressed like Debbie Gibson? Shake your love. I just can't shake your love. Shake your love. I just can't shake your love... Good times.

Albino Vision? Wtf? Seriously. Whose brainchild was that?

Quasar? Epic? Man, I'm lost.

Again with the Kree/Skrull blamage.

Ah, Stephen. Thank the Vishanti, you're here. Hold me.

Pymsie! God knows what he'll have in mind. Maybe his Yule Log persona this time? Hee! He was no help at all. There for like 5 seconds then he has to jet the Left Coast. Thanks for nothing, Yule!

Ok, and again with the... what the hell.. who is the green Taurus Bulba? This issue is making my spleen hurt.

Coolness with the spirit being called to the astral plane of silhouettes and stuff.

Oh, man, who is it? I wanna knoooooowww!

But, if Stephen trusts him. I trust him. For now.

I'm actually relieved to see Doom is still Doom.

Eros has very girly eyes. He looks a little like one of the Pontipee Brothers. Big cyber-kisses if you know who that is!

Oh, thank you for labeling the gallery of Disappeared Supers! Puck? I wish Luke Cage were still around.

Ah-ha! He's not the original Thor or Merlin Olsen. It's Dan Haggerty.

The Ceremonial Eyepatch of Sorrow did I immediately don-- I can't stop giggling. The Jockstrap of Concern...

Oooo, Manitou? Remember when that thing came out of Susan Strasberg? It has been 400 years since it's last reincarnation.... It kind of moves sometimes... The soul of Black Magic is waiting to be reborn. Starring Michael Ansara, Stella Stevens and Tony Curtis. Do yourself a favor and watch it. Behold the greatness of this film
here!

Sorry, back on track...

Ok, the Sky-Fathers are full of a lot of trash talk, but I don't see any action.

Epoch is... unfortunate looking, isn't he? Hard to get a date I bet with the other floating heads with that eyeball sticking out of your ear.

Ohmygod an ALF joke.

Ok, Pip and Hume Cronyn are after Thanos. Good luck with that. With 4 issues to go, you're screwed.

How the hell did Doom get there and why does Doc look blue? Not cool.

Warlock. He's got the hair and the eyes of our previous silhouetted friend... Hmmm....

Wow, this Thanos stuff is messed up. Someone's got unresolved issues.

So, it was Deus Ex I'm About to Get My Own Book and I Need the Exposure First, I mean Warlock.

Ya know, he looks an awful lot like Daimon Hellstrom just with a sun-kissed blond thing instead of the flamage.. I'm just sayin'. I like Daimon. My jury's still out on Adam.

I must lead the forces of Sanity - Well, that leaves Pym out.

I like Galactus. Sure, he eats worlds, but he's got that somethin' somethin'.

The Universe is huge, bigger than Wal-Mart even, and somehow our scrawny little planet is always in the line of fire.

Poor Cloak.

Yay, Wolverine!

Who cleans up all these messes? Have they ever done an ish on the clean-up crew. Imagine getting that contract? You'd be rich!

Ah, Iron Man! The entire West Coast gone? But what about the Champions? Oh yeah, no one cares!

Keep it together, Wanda!

Oh, no.. Asgard! Odin better put on his Ceremonial Depends.

Subby! And Namorita... *sniff* Looking not blue, I might add. What is it with Marvel and turning characters blue? I spurn them!

It's by sheer chance I am flying over Atlantic City. - She's got two shows at the Tropicana.

Hee, they even put a big "A" on the back of the chairs at Avengers HQ!

Oh, so now the INhumans want to help. Pfft.

Thank God, Doc's house was spared.... and nothing else. Thank the Vishanti for clean living and a hastily prepared protection spell.

And we're outtie for another ish.

THIS IS WHAT "THE DEADLIEST CATCH" HAS WROUGHT

The modern-day return of The Gorton's Fisherman to commercials, to lead us through the choppy but fish-engorged seas of the Nor'East on a Moby Dickish quest to capture and kill and eat as much fish as possible because fish is awesome, especially all breaded and battered, YI-umsies, me like-a the fried fishes.

In the new ad his brave crew is preparing fried fish sticks and shrimp in the galley kitchen while Gorton's Fisherman steers and smiles and thinks about how after a long-ass day of killing fish, there's that great reward of eating a shitload of them. Especially all breaded and battered and lemoned. Lemon is key. A little white wine, and you're pretty much set with the ladies. She'll be singing you a shanty, is all I'm saying.

And yes, he IS long and hard and full of semen.

INFINITY GAUNTLET #1: HALFSIES

[A stream of consciousness live-blog]

While reading the Illuminati mini, I came across the Infinity Gauntlet. Don't know squat about it, but, thanks to eBay and a fin burning a hole in my pocket, I got my little mitts on it. So, come back to the early 90s with me when the Soviet Union ended and Herman's Head began.

Ish 1...


Ok, if I were a GOD, or in my case, GODDESS, would I live on some crap planet that looks like it was made by some 40 year old virgin named Eugene in his basement with Magic Rocks? I think not.

Not to mention that I'd get a little work done. I mean, that chin. Thanos. We need to talk. You're God, bubeleh, you should look the part.

OooOooh, Doctor Strange, all contemplative 'n shi.

I love that he has chairs, but doesn't use them. I guess if I could levitate, I wouldn't either.

An outbreak of insanity in the Catskill mountains. - Joke to easy, must resist.

Wipe out! Surfer. Haven't seen him in forever, ok, it's been a few months real time. I think the last time was when Micheal gave me Hulk 250 to read. Poor Hulky. Poor Surfer. I bundle them both.

Thanos is coming! I'm guessing that's bad.

Mistress Death... played by Courtney Love. Ok, she said what?

Apparently Death has long thought the fact that there are more people alive today than have ever died was a type of cosmic imbalance. Yeah, except no. And a wtf are you talkin' 'bout Death? I think Death has been smokin' a little sumpin' sumpin', if ya know what I mean. Note to Death: Yahoo Answers is not reliable.

Hehehe. Love the panel, mid-exposition, with the Surfer yanking on Doc's cloak in urgency and pulling him forward. Don't know why, but that's a riot.

Wow, slaughter half the sentient population. At least Paris Hilton's safe.

Did he just blow up his own crappy planetoid?

He should wish himself a fashion sense.

I love how characters have things like Death's Infinity Well. Can I get that at Lowes?

David Birney was the keeper of the Space gem? Briget Love Birney. It's always bugged me that... Birney/Bernie thing. That and the whole craptastic show. When you think Audra Lindley is slumming, you know you're in trouble.

In other words, Thanos now has the ubridbled power of a God! Why didn't he just say that? Makes me crazy. Like people to prattle on then say "long story short".. come on, work with me, people!

The metaphysical world of the soul gem is... Lidsville!

Ok, Adam Warlock, I've seen that name, but don't know nuttin' bout him. But he's got great hair.

Thanos has a thing for Death?

Seems like a lot of trouble to get three husks.

Wow, he is truly whipped.

Who's the craggy death butler who brings the truth?

It could be the new Wynn hotel in vegas.. Death's Shrine. Actually, that's not a bad idea. Ok, it is a bad idea, but there's kernel of the germ of the nucleus of a good idea there. A Goth(ish) Casino. I want comps.

Oh, burn.

He killed his mother? Yikes.

So, the Universe is in danger because this guy wants some. Dude.

Wow, he is a bad citizen.

Oh, yeah. I've got to destroy half the universe. Back to work...

Oh snap, literally!

Spidey!!! Love the first long panel. Coolsies.

Oooo... halved.

Hee... a little Howard the Duck product placement. I wonder if he made the cut. I wonder what other supers didn't make it.

With my luck, MJ made it. Upside, the lines to ladies room at concerts are going to be half as long! That's a pretty good bonus. Seriously. Men, you have no idea.

Hee. Avengers HQ. Subtle... Aliens, attack here!

Cap in any era, rocks.

Ohmygod that Avengers portrait with Beast looking like a goof... classic.

Who the hell is Sersi?

Guess I don't have to worry about that now.

Bye, Hawkeye. Again.

SHIELD is stuck in 70s still. Nice to see somethings don't change.

Captain Understatement. Half the world disappears and he says, "I've got a feeling about this one, Val. This one's going to be bad... real bad." Ya think?

Ok, this isn't my Savage/Doodle Hulk of the 70s, is it? He's got that "fresh from the asylum" haircut and a shirt he borrowed from Luke Cage.. not to mention he's drinking a beer. This is going to take some getting used to. (I've only read Savage Hulk)

I totally missed the Abomination connection.

Oy, again with the Kree/Skrull Hatfields and McCoys fued.

Wong. *sniff*

Wow, Surfer's going apeshit. Poor Norrin. He feels too much. I'm surprised Doc is all, what's wrong? Don't you feel it, Doc? This happened 28 years ago in a fictional universe and even I can feel it!

Ah, the Destroyer is my Doodle Hulk substitute. Calm yourself, my Emerald friend.

And they have the chick... sewing. Sometimes, I just want to cry.

Ok, I have no idea who these goofs are, but I guess I'll find out.

Well, that was set-uppy. Was good to see my dearest Stephen even if he was a straight man and totally out of touch with the cosmic onenesss. But, I forgive. That's the way I'm constituted.

Part two, coming soon!

NEW AVENGERS #20: MAGNETO ALTERNATES MY CURRENT!

[A stream of consciousness live-blog]

Eric has wonderful penmanship.

He's just sexy. That's all there is to it. Even all disheveled.

Oh my god, he's birthing...

Oh boy... a renewed Magneto is not going to be a good thing.

I think this fire person, Michael, has a fire-person man-crush on Magneto, either that or it's Wanda again. I mean, this gushing "perfect mind", "it has to be you", or is it some aspect of himself? He loves himself enough to believe that stuff. Or am I over-thinking and it's just that he's that popular with muties and the collective love for him is Jim Jonesish?

Xorn. Didn't see that one coming? Who the f is Xorn? Sounds like Zod's little brother.

Thanks for the new metal suit, by the way.- Hee.

Love how Cap isn't willing to go with the scorched earth policy.

On no. Nothing like a newly dead army rising up to seek genocidal vengeance. Good times.

What are these things? They all look like Joan Rivers.

Seriously, what's up with them? They all have clawsy hands.

Ok, see, I see it on the page and I don't buy it. Hill would nuke the Avengers in a second without a blinking an eye if she thought it would stop the threat. I just don't buy her here. I know, I know, I'm wrong, but I'm not!

Interesting, Magneto pleading to be killed?

Ouch, did she blow his head off.

I'm Bob, come fly me.

Yeah, where's Magneto? You know, previously the most powerful mutant on the planet who repeatedly tried to destroy all of you. I don't mean to interrupt your important conversations, but shouldn't someone look for him?

No, first, we have to check on the completely harmless mutant, Michael.

Is Alpha Flight really dead? Who will toss down the ceremonial puck at the next Ottawa Senators game?

Ok, there's Eric, but they're so nonchalant about it. An unconscious Magneto is still a dangerous Magneto. Why are they so blasé about it?

And there ya go. They deserved that. Go Eric, be free to magnetize and terrorize, it's your birthright! I bet he's hell with an Etcha A Sketch.

I know, I know, I know... I'm supposed to think Hill was all cool not doing what the Pres wanted and letting Tony listen in and not killing the Avengers, but I just... well, you know how I feel. I accept it in my head, but in my heart, shs's a stone-cold not to be trusted, be-atch.

A little foreshadowing with the Superhuman Registration Act and Cap and Tony in different mini-panels on Hill's screens. It's almost like they planned it!

Civil War is going to be fun and exciting and horribly painful, isn't it? Can't wait!

- Grace, my mutant avatar who has the power to elicit compassion

THIS LOGO WAS THE COOLSEST

And they should bring it back.