GOOM SUES GOOP.COM, GWYNETH PALTROW

(AP Wire, February 26, 2009, 10:06AM) - Giant monster from Planet X Goom has filed copyright infringement and defamation lawsuits against website GOOP.COM, a high-end lifestyle/fitness/spiritual website created and hosted by Oscar-winning actress Gywneth Paltrow.

“I, Goom, have been hard at work for four and half years on Goom.com, a webzine that caters to the whims and needs of the discerning, wealthy-celebrity-giant-alien-monster,” said Goom from his underground volcanic lair at one of Earth’s undisclosed energy-meridian points. “I had even secured the services of famed spiritual guru Klatari The Wizened from Crozun 6, and he is a tough “get”, as we say in the webzine business. He insisted the purity of his message could not be conveyed in your Earth language, but thankfully, he changed his mind when I promised him a feast on the still-beating hearts of your world leaders.”

Goom insists that the similar names of the websites will inadvertently drive traffic in the direction of Paltrow’s burgeoning venture. “Goop is much like Goom, except there is a P in it. Miss Paltrow’s site is already up and running, whilst I still await my domain name from cheapdomainnames.org. It is unfair. Were I not so very excited about my new venture, I would flap my mighty wings and soar over Hollywood, and use my telekenetic might to explode the brains of its inhabitants, in the hopes that Paltrow be amongst them! For NO ONE defies the power that is....GOOM!”

Ms. Paltrow’s representatives had no comment. Goom’s legal counsel, Adamson, Schulman, Borecki, Myers & Thune, have stated: “In the Wild West environment that is Internet publishing, it is time for giant alien monsters to put a stop to the blind monsterism that allows for a talent such as our client to be railroaded by a Hollywood entertainer. Oh, and please help us, Goom is not paying us, and should we lose the case, he will use his powers to boil our blood and explode our brains. Please, for the love of God, someone help us, and um, no one defies the power that is....Goom.”

NEW AVENGERS #17: A, O, WAY TO GO OHIO

[A stream of consciousness live-blog]

In every universe, Detroit is a bunghole. That's sad.

Hee. Love the kids!

What is Spidey wearing? That is Spidey, isn't it?

Did my mom call you guys? - HEE!

Go.

Awesome, Cap waves to the old lady.

Poor Detroit. They have less self-esteem than Canada.

Now, that's scared straight!

Hee, Cap is playin' with Luke!

Impact Super-Heroing.. Freaking awesome! Real, street-level, real people do goodery. No more sitting in the mansion/towers waiting for the biggy, they're actually helping the little peeps. Too f'ing awesome!

Thank you, Detroit! Good night!

Ya know, those white go-go boots the SHIELDIES wear make them look a little like Laker Girls. Away uniforms.

Hi, you've reached Reed, Susan, Johnny and Ben. We're not in this dimension, but if you'll leave your name and number after the beep....

Uh-oh. Cleveland. It's going for the Rock and Hall of Fame, cause let's face it.. what else is there in Cleveland? May Bob Hope forgive me.

Oh my god, it's Dr. Manhattan! Or his brother, Doctor Martha's Vineyard.

The X-Men stopped answering the phone. They're eating Chunky Monkey and watching Nicktoons in the Danger Room. Thanks, for the help, Muties!

Cap gets what Cap wants. And Cap wants... me!

Oh, Daisy... watch your back, traitor, I mean, loyalist, I mean... what do I mean?

Oh, Bob. I guess now they can save him to be Deus Ex Sentrius. Or not.

Oh, Iron Spidey... cool idea, but me likey old vulnerable Spideroo. It's a nice idea that they want him to use his science skillz.

Wake up you all-powerful schizo. We need your massive instability!

Thank heaven they draw Tony as nekkid in that suit. It makes me tingle.

Hmmm... reference to Korvac saga which I know of, but haven't read... Adds to list.

Stupid, dumbass Carol. Go back to your stinky blog! I'm a superhero with no discernible insights, blahblahimgoingtoscrewthisupforeveryonecakes.

Wow, all the way to Toledo. I wonder if the Mud Hens are playing?

Oy. What a fine mess she's gotten us into.

S'all for now!

- The Latvarian Moussaka and Marching Society

MATTHEW STAR: THE POWER TO SHELVE

FIRST DRAFT OF BOBBY JINDAL'S SPEECH FOUND

AMERICA IS AWESOMEST
by Bobby Jindal

Enter, smiling. Actually, big smile first, then enter, smiling same big smile. Make them like you.

Good evening, my fellow Americans. I am honored to be given the opportunity to respond, on behalf of my party and God himself, to President Obama’s heinous, demonic, anti-American attempt to help as many people as possible.

Mr. President. America does not need your help. Or anyone’s. America is AWESOME. I say this from deeply-felt personal experience, because like all of you, I am an American, and trust me, it’s frikkin’ AWESOME. There’s an In N’ Out Burger just about everywhere. There are Christian churches on every corner, even ones that stray from the true faith and are destined to be consumed by the flames of The Great Dragon on The Day Of Eternal Torment And Punishment that is sure to come, probably sometime in 2012, to anyone who has a different religion than the Jesus one, and also to criminals and especially to tax-and-spend policies of the past. I know it seems strange for an actual policy to be consumed in flames, but trust me, it’s going to be ugly, and I will be safe in my underground bunker, the same place where I waited out Katrina, and caught up on the entire sixth season of “The Sopranos”. Man, that show is awesome. But not as awesome as AMERICA! America is AWESOMEST. Try being more awesome than awesomest, Sopranos! It can’t be done. But if it could be done, only an awesome American could do it, on account of his or her awesomeness.

But here, my fellow citizens, is what CAN be done: nothing. Absolutely nothing. Government is not the solution to our grave crisis. YOU are the solution. You, the awesomest American people. Now, I don’t like to get bogged down in particulars, like HOW you are the solution, or what that even means. That’s for the pundits and the fancy historians to determine years after YOU, the awesomest American people, have used your awesomest-ness to revitalize our economy. So may I say to you in advance, THANK YOU, American People, for being the solution to our grave crisis. You rock. You are awesome, and I am physically attracted to each and every one of you. If I were not happily married and deeply in love with my spouse, I would totally get one of my assistants to arrange a hook-up with you. It would be discreet, and I would accept full responsibility for my actions, were they ever revealed to the media.


Smile bigger here. Sell it.

From the bottom of my heart, but also from the both sides of it and the gooey, bloody, pulpy insides as well, I say good night, and God Bless Louisiana, and America, too, because America is......

Pause for twenty-six seconds, then:

....Awesome.

Smile again, exit, humble but confident, strong yet soft, triumphant yet determined. Note: pee before, not after, speech.

NEW AVENGERS #16: CANADA IS NO HELP AT ALL

[A stream of consciousness live-blog]

Something bad is happening in the Northwest Territories... energy from a million mutants - the real cause of Global Warning. Maybe Al Gore's a mutant.

Ok, I suck at geography, but that first fiery, swirly thing is not coming from Alaska, it's Canada. Frickin' Canucks... Are there two thingies?

North Pole Alaska - where's my oil dividend check, white man!

Sabu has landed in Alaska?

Damn these hands, damn these fiery hands!

Is this Dick Cheney's origin?

Ah, it's good to be back in the non-dream time and where Tony is hot and SHIELD is not-to-be-trusted-or-are-they.

Eileen Harshaw.... new to me...

Burn. I know you said I'll like Hill, but she's got to eeeaaarrn it.

Ok, she earned a bit right there for kicking that dillweed off the ship.

Ok, so there are two points.

Alpha Flight - all I know is that one of them is gay. I'm guessing it's the maple leaf dude.

Wow, they were done in pretty fast! I wonder who that fireman from space is! Goodbye, second string super hero team from a second string nation! How does it feel Canada???? Thanks for the cameo!

Call the Avengers. Get over yourself, admit you need them and call. Sheesh...military. You tell her Pres!

It's Captain America. he'll take this down. He always wins. Somehow. - Right on!

It's headed for America! Somewhere that matters. Now it's time to act! Protect Wal-Mart at all cost!

She doesn't get to say Avengers Assemble. Pffft!

What kinda crap is this... a shortie so they could pawn off Kickin' it to Hell? Maybe the Canadians fall for that stuff....

Ok, all for now...

Will I find out why that man is on fire? Will it be better than Man on Fire, which wasn't bad, but I still like the original with Scott Glenn (weird though it is) better? Will Tony get some sleep? Will Cap save the day? Will Spider-Man say "oy"? Will Spider-Woman suffer from lower back pain? Will Sentry go all Britney? Will Luke lose his shirt? Will Wolverine remember some part of his past that he didn't remember when he remembered everything else? Will Hawkeye join the fray? Will Canada admit their bacon is just ham?

Stay tuned!

ANOTHER SHORT-LIVED HANK PYM IDENTITY

Bobby Jindal, savior of the GOP. After the most cosmically inept, stiff, cheesy, heave-inducing, high-school-debate-team-polishy, condescending simultaneous tripe and hopeful grab for the 2012 nomination, Pym watched his speech the next day, grew to giant-size, smashed his Tivo with a giant fist, shrunk to ant-size, and hid in John Boehner's pocket as the GOP itself shrunk to ant-sized irrelevance and time-warped fist-shakery. Many Americans nationwide called in sick the day following the speech, unable to wipe the image of Jindal's phony-baloney smile from their psyches. Several men and women were rushed to St. John's Medical Center after an attempt to scoop out their memories of the speech with a melon baller.

NEW AVENGERS ILLUMINATI #4: SHE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU

[A stream of consciousness live-blog]

Part 4...

Oooo...broody Doctor Strange.

Love this exchange between Stephen and Reed. Says a lot about each of them.

"Clea left me.
Clea?
My protege.
Oh, have I met her?
32 times."

It just gets funnier. You're going to have read this one.

"She decided it would be a better use of her time to battle demons, goblins, firelords and the antichrist... than actually be married to me."

I didn't know she was running for Congress. Rimshot!

Maybe if Stephen wasn't thinking about menage a trois (we never forget!) with crazyass Wanda, Clea would still be around. Men. That's right! Men.

So love this scene. Fun pseudo conversation and my uterus feels vindicated.

Oooo, that glare at Tony's remark makes me puddley. Phrrroowww. Sexy bastard. I'm still mad at him. I think. I'm not really. Maybe. It depends. Ask me next issue.

Doc is a hockey fan? Wow. Just when I thought I couldn't love him more.

Tony is a dog. I know...newsflash. But, damn.

Oooo, I think we all know where Sue goes when she gets cranky with Reed. A little sushi, if ya know what I know what I mean...

Oh, Namor. Tellin' it like it is.

It's fun, but very odd to see them all talk about such personal issues to so openly and to see Doc brood publicly (sort of). He does a fair amount of this in private and goes to pieces briefly when Clea leaves him in his own title, but this, while fun, feels a bit forced. Ah well, ya takes the good ya takes the bad, the facts of life...the facts of life.

Is Tony still drinking here, cause he looks like he's had a little too much Glenlivet. You're the baloney, Mandarin!

And, what's with the armor? The partial faceplate and ear doohickies, like high school wrestlers wear. It don't make no sense. Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're our only hope.

Marvel Boy - The Dumb Donald of the Cosmos.

Seriously, what is that on his head?

He's declared war on mankind. Well, get in line, bub!

Tony's request is really sort of morally adjacent isn't it? No wonder he ends up taking over SHIELD. He's a natural.

Oh, Charles taking umbrage. I never change people's minds without their knowledge, except all the time.

Wow, a little presage for House of M which already happened but hasn't happened here.

Anthony Newley, Stop the World, I want to get off!

Does Charles gamble, cause he'd be hell in a poker game.

Ok, Reed and Tony need to step away from the computers. They're scaring me. They really do think of peeps like computers. Heck, Tony is one. Sorta. Man, they need some granola and a weekend with Euell Gibbons.

Love that Doc wants to talk the dude out of war. You go, Doc. It's worked in Panmunjam. Shout out to the M*A*S*H*I*E*S!

And then there's Namor's more direct approach. Eat vibranium, Kree boy!

But, he does have a point. Namor could wear pants once in a while when he's on land. I think he should get some True Religion jeans, the fit is fabulous!

Was the inker on strike for two pages? Pukish sepia tone?

Do I care about this punk kid? Sure, he's a threat, or they've told me he's a threat, but he looks more like a threat to local Abercrombie and Fitch than the fate of the world.

Oh, Charles getting stern.

What's the deal with back to back stories about young, powerful aliens wanting to dominate the earth. They're so similar. It's weird. I'm assuming there's a grand plan here, but it feels deja-vu-y and not in a cool, oooo way, but in a hey, i saw this episode of Law and Order yesterday - twice - way.

Hee...thank heaven for Namor. Kickin' ass.

Thank god aliens are so patient and gullible with that "but the Earthlings have so much promise, they must be allowed to grow, they have great potential"... line... what if that's a sham? What if this pathetic mess we are is as good as we get? Well, the joke's on you, alien species who rolled the dice on us! Don't you have egg on your face.

Well, at least Reed's making an effort. Today.

Tony. Oy, Empty glass and a bucket full of issues.

Poor Doc. I know Clea had to go, but I wish she'd come back. *sniff* Allergies.

And... Scene.

Set-up, complete.

Well, that's it for the prelims. On to Civil War or the Road to it anyway. I'm filled with nervous anticipation. I know it's going to be painful, but I have to do it!