NEW AVENGERS ILLUMINATI #2: NO GLOVE, NO LOVE

[A stream of consciousness live-blog]

Part 2...

The Infinity Gem, this Valentine's Day from Kay jewelers. Don't give her a diamond....give her Infinity. Or, better yet, cash.

Why is Doc always sending his astral projection to these meetings? The traffic in the village is murder, I'll just astrally project and be home in time for ER.

She-Hulk took it from Titania...Hee...TITania.

Why is Tony squicked by She-Hulk having many bad guys and is "bad guys" a euphemism?

Ooo, Namor no likey.

Ok, Infinity Gauntlet. Shame on me, but haven't read. I'm guessing the Gauntlet is that Mandarin meet Michael Jackson abomination on the cover.

I propose we quickly and quietly find all six of the infinity gems. - Hee! Let's see, quickly and quietly - these guys? I suppose they could get Nick Fury to mindwipe everyone...Sorry, I'm still bitter.

Wow, apparently Reed can do things quickly and quietly. Just ask Sue! Ba-dum-cha! That joke, in honor of Sue, was invisible.

I'm worried. Has Reed been spending too much time in the Negative Zone?

It's funny, I've had this feeling something annoying was lodged in the collective unconsciousness. I thought it was Nancy Grace.

I'm tellin' ya, I think Stretcho's gone a bit around the bend.

The Xavier Academy for Gifted Youngsters - "Gifted Youngsters" always makes me snicker. Sooooo pretentious.

Doctor Strange is my anchor too! Love you, Stephen!

Pissy Namor. I love when he's all petulant, which, let's face it, is pretty much all the time. Maybe it's because he's mostly in a Speedo.

The collective unconscious is blank? Maybe TV is bad for you.

Ok, the Gem is the collective unconscious. I get it. Cool, that's --. I don't get it.

Is that sweat dripping from Reed's brow? What isn't he telling them? Secrets, secrets are no fun. Secrets, secrets, hurt someone!

I always feel sorry for Black Bolt. He should carry around a little pad to write notes on. That would ruin the fine line of his form-fitting black suit, but... Really. Not being able to talk or scream or laugh. He needs an Earth-shattering hug.

They're doing it! But what are they doing? Harnessing the shockwave and power of BB's scream to warp time?

Hehehe. I do so adore the Ever Lovin' Thing. He would be an hysterical addition to this serious brainy mix.

Ripping reality - not recommended.

That horrifying toothy monster - now, that's the collective unconscious!

Yikes, it's disenchancelling Tony's arm!

Ooooo, I love the panel with Doc screaming Noooo! There's something about it that takes me back. And he has excellent teeth.

Get the Gauntlet!

Gah! That was creepy. Come on Illuminati. Wake up.

Uatu! Bringing the smack down! He totally reminds me of those peeps from that Star Trek episode the Empath where Kirk, Spock and McCoy are held captive on Panet Stage Ten and these big-headed aliens are running an experiment with this waifish chick who can take away their pain and injuries. And everyone is all "No, spare my friends. Take me. Hurt me, not them!" And she risks her phoney-baloney life to save McCoy (I think) and yay, she's an empath and wears gauze! And, btw, what was that girl's name?... GEM. Coincidence? Totally. I shudder to think at the endless hurt/comfort stories written in basements around the globe after that episode aired. Hold me, Spock.

"I have broken the code of my existence countless times for you." - Hee. Maybe the code blows? Or he's not Watcher material. Maybe he's just a Peeker or a Glancer. Just kidding. Love you, Uatu.

Hmmm.. six gems.. six Illuminati. Either that or they give it Menudo.

Okay, okay... Menudo only had five members, but they could always give the What Happened to My Career Gem to Ricky Martin.

Ok, I trust Doc and Black Bolt to protect and not use their gems, but the others... not that they'd do bad things on purpose, but they all have enough ego to believe they could wield the power for good and it "had to be done and they were the only ones to do it." Men. I can see each of them justifying the use. I think Namor's already thinking about it.

*pretentious ghostly voice* No good will come of this!

Reed looks suitable chastened, but good god man, what were you thinking? Have you not read any of the previous issues?

Just for that Namor should get to sleep with Sue. Again.

And that look.. damn, that's a creepy I'm gonna use my gem before I even get to my car look if I ever saw one. Charles never looked sexier.

S'all for now!

BUFFY SAW DOLLHOUSE 1.2 TONIGHT AND THIS WAS HER FACE THE WHOLE TIME

THE SILVER SURFER JUST SAW "MEDEA GOES TO JAIL" AND THIS WAS HIS REACTION ALL THE WAY THRU

CHARMING 2+2 CONDO/CO-OP SAVAGE LAND ADJ

This bank-owned cozy corner unit 2+2 condo is located in the desirable Zarhan region of Pangea, just minutes from shops, restaurants and the Savage Land. Upgraded appliances incl. sub-zero, wood fpl self-cleaning weapons storage. Gourmet kitchen with granite countertops and state of the art spit. Master has great jungle view & partially obstructed swamp. Plenty of storage in gated common garage. HOA incl Invasion Ins. Needs TLC. Short sale! Open Sunday 2-4.

THE WATCHER INTERFERES ONCE MORE IN HUMAN AFFAIRS

I, The Watcher, once more step onto the stage of human affairs and violate the very core of my existence and mission. It is that important.

I hereby choose Angelina Jolie over Jennifer Aniston, any day, boy howdy. Jennifer has an appealing "everygirl" look but, come on, Angelina is, you know, ANGELINA.

Thus speaks the Watcher.

IMPOSSIBLE MAN'S DVD REVIEW

I’m The Impossible Man, and I can do anything. But I could never make a movie as shitty as “Mama Mia” was.

I’m telling you, I can do ANYTHING. I’m the Impossible Man. I can grow to giant-size, change my hands into Thor-hammers, I can snap my fingers and POP! I have pterodactyl wings. I have no limits.

But I must, because although I can do anything, I could not, even if I tried, even if I used 110 percent of my powers, I could not make a movie as grating and irritatingly cheerful as Mama Fucking Mia.

God it made me want to rip off my own head at the neck and throw my head at the screen. And I didn’t even really watch, not really. I just put in the DVD and pressed “fast forward”, which is the way I always watch movies that everyone loved when they come out on DVD because I could give a shit, and never once did I slow it down. It was that fucking irritating. And oh, here’s the story, fast forward version: there’s this hot teen girl and she thinks she has three handsome and charming fathers because she doesn’t know who her real dad is and her mom is a hippie and a call girl from the looks of it and there’s a wedding and oh, this guy is my real dad but it doesn’t really matter anyway because I love all three of you like One Big Perfect UberDad. I hear the soundtrack is okay but I hate music.

“Mama Mia” is also available on BluRay Disc. Not a clue as to what that is, but I fear it’s an even clearer, more high-quality way to watch this shitty-ass movie.

NEW AVENGERS ILLUMINATI #1: MOOOOM, THE SKRULLS ARE TOUCHING ME!

[A stream of consciousness live-blog]

Ya know, it's the desert planets you have to look out for. They're always invading. The lush green planets with foliage, they hang out and peel fruit. But the dry places, they'll stab as soon as look at you. If the Middle East were still a verdant plain, none of this mishegaas would be happening today.

Sew those Secret Invasion seeds of corporate synergy!

Uninvited, they just drop by, I didn't have time to tidy up!

I guess Doc transported them or was it Reed? Think of the redeemable miles!

But seriously, wow. What an abrupt and to the f'ing point arrival. Hi, how are ya, don't even think about it...I wish my family was like this on holidays.

Gosh, Reed getting angry. He's always so calm.

Ok, this is not going well.

Uh-oh, great panel with Black Bolt about to speak.

Holy shitski. One word and KABLAMO! The whole place is Detroited.

Run away! Run away!

Nothing like a good Quinjet for a quick escape.

That was like some serious adult Ding-Dong Ditch.

Ah, Namor, so gracious in victory.

Wow. They's blowed out of the sky. Ruh-roh.

Ooooo.. stretching Reed to his limits. That sounds (and looks) painful.

Namor's gettin' cooked. Au Gratin.

He's going to invite his family to watch the torture? These Skrulls...is there anything redeeming about them? I know there's a whole thing with the Terrigen Mists, right? It's all embuey or something.

Hey, it looks like Chuck is standing. He gets cured and uncured a lot, don't he?

Yay, Doc confounds them. I summon the Culottes of Confusion! Is it a skirt or is it shorts? You don't know!

Oh, a Skrull putting on Iron Man's helmet.. that's pissing me off!

Naked Tony. This issue has it all.

Holy Appearing Avengers! Are they real? They can't be real. So cool to see the old team! Seeing them like this really makes me miss them. I would love, love, love, a retro Avengers title that had the 60s and 70s teams in modernly told tales. Like this but the whole dealio.

Go, naked Tony, go!

Yikes. An angry Xavier. He scares me more than Magneto. Must be all the curing and uncuring.

I would very much like to hit something. - Hee!

No, mustn't leave the Eye! Look into my eyes, Tony. Fyvush Finkel!

D'oh! That lone skrull in Reed's torture chamber is gonna be soooo sorry. Go Namor!

By Hoary Host of ABC's Good Morning America...

OoooOOoooo. Galactus. Now, that's a quality illusion! Don't know how many GCI peeps it would take for us plain folks to pull that off.

But, hey, we made it clear that if come for us, the fight will be a real fight. Maybe now they'll look for someone else to pick on.

Pause.

Well, at least now they know it'll be a good fight.

Great moment. And leaving behind a seething, battered, vengeful enemy who's willing to wait.

MUY FANTASTICO.

Love it. It's sooooo great to see so much Doc and I love all of the others too. Also nice to know that the apparently best and brightest minds of the Marvel Universe have just, by their taking the fight to the enemy, started a friggin' war. Nice goin'! Thanks, Earth's Mightiest! Stark Enterprises probably also manufactures duct tape.

Can't wait to read the next ish, but I'll save it. By the Hairpins of Harlem, I will!

- Uatu