THE DVD BOX FOR "THE PUNISHER: WAR ZONE" REVIEWS "THE PUNISHER: WAR ZONE"

Christ on a cracker, get this unholy thing out of me!!!

How many "Punisher" movies must DVD boxes endure? Didn't we just do this dance in like 2004 with Thomas Jane and John Travolta literally chewing the scenery? Didn't they also try to polish this turd in 1987 with Dolph Lundgren, the Teutonic Easter Island Statue from "Rocky IV"? "I must break you", indeed!

If you are going to stick a DVD inside me, buy me dinner first, and then talk a little dirty. I'll close my eyes and pretend it's chocolate.

COLORFORMS

Hi! Remember Colorforms? Neither do I!

Yet they existed. A long time ago, before the wheel, BluRay and hydrogen, Colorforms were plastic, highly-toxic and highly-fun little flat figures of popular comic-book and TV characters. This is the Vulture, of Spider-Man fame. He is orange. In the comics he is green. I never said Colorforms were accurate. And orange dye is a lot cheaper.

What you'd do is, you'd stick the Colorforms onto a colorful street scene or some such provided background. You'd create a scenario where the Vulture was flying over Spidey, or robbing a bank, or having sex with Spidey and the Generic Cop Colorform. The possibilities were endless, but really not, because there are only so many sexual positions or classic battles you can create with Colorforms before you realize that it's much more fun to watch "The San Pedro Beach Bums" on TV or eat a lot of Pixie Sticks and try to punch your big brother in the throat.

Still, Colorforms were more fun than Gnip Gnop and Operation. And because they are made of space-age polymer, Colorforms will survive into Earth's coming Golden Age, when we are ruled by benevolent wizards who live under soybean plantations.

NEW AVENGERS #23: SPIDER-WOMAN AND HER GINORMOUS INNIE

[A stream of consciousness live-blog]

I'm waifish and work part-time at Hooters.

I know when I'm feeling vulnerable and confused. I find a crappy hotel room strip down to my skivvies and see what I can catch from the sticky sheets. Capital I... Ick.

I hate that there are two Jessicas in the current storyline. I'm easily confused and bright colors mollify me.

Hee.. Fury looks like a refugee from an old Doctor Who in those first two panels. Jelly baby?

He's being pretty casual for Covert Ops brain wipe master. Just knocks on her door? Has he ever just knocked on someone's door?

Figures. It's a fakey. AI, clone, Jonas Brother... God, they are annoying. If I were a Marvel God I would put a five year moratorium on using any of them.

Even through someone else's lips Maria Hill is a beotch.

It is only fair that they should have a scene where Cap fights in just his tighty-whities.

Again, let me re-establish my utter contempt for Miss Hill.

Iron Man's codpiece is looking, well, more like a banana sling than armor. And if you know what I'm referring to, you've been to San Tropez too many times.

Flippin' Tony. Has he really lost his heart? I liked Tony. Granted I haven't read several decades of stuff, and he was always arrogant in the extreme, but this... he's not human.

Who's attacking?

FSHOO? BUDDABUDDABUDDA? I know the sound effects are tough, but... budda budda?

Are these Hydra peeps?

I guess so.

Hee. Love the panel with the muscle dude in nike dolphin shorts. God, I wore those for years for volleyball. Where's my Le Sport Sac?

Stupid SHIELD.

Where is she? Who's he? Why do I care?

Zzzzzzz.

Finally. Enough with the jibber-jabber. I love good dialog, but that wasn't it. Sheesh. Was only two pages, but...

I guess she doesn't mind the whole killing thing. No code there.

Yay, Cap and people I know and give a crap about! It's so good to see you.

But, she just saunters in? Note to resistance: you should at least lock the door.

Ugh, now she's crying and going all Officer and a Gentlemen. Cap's a doodle so he'll take her in, but pfft is all I have to say.

Happily moving on to next ish...

NOT FOR NOTHING AM I CALLED DOCTOR STRANGE

I don't know how to upload just an audio clip, so you get the boring still for most of it, not sure what happened to it at the end there. Anyway, let your imagination take you the rest of the way.

This is just the Doc stuff in Act 3. Love it.

HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY FROM

Shamrock, the Irish Marvel Superheroine.

Seriously.

Shamrock is Molly Fitzgerald, who has - seriously - the power to alter probability within a twenty-foot radius, giving her the - seriously - luck of the Irish, and giving her opponents - seriously - bad luck.

She has never fought the Lucky Charms leprechaun, but I smell crossover synergy and big bucks.

She most likely went to Catholic School and got the living cra-zap beaten into and out of her by hairy, mole-y nuns.

OOO CHI CHI CHOOO CHI CHI POTATOES AND DEPRESSED POETS AND CLOVERS AND VIOLENCE!!!!

CIVIL WAR #4: EAU DE CLONE

[A stream of consciousness live-blog]

Thor!

Is the Falcon blind in one eye? When did that happen?

Gordon Bennett! Thor would never say that! He'd kick their butts if he had no other choice, but he'd do it with deep regret and talk about it the whole time.

I have no idea who you are Dagger, but I feel you. Time for an exit stage right.

Wretches? Yikes. This is unnerving.

Oh, Cap looks awful. Tony, stop this madness!

Go Herc! Throw that big... thing at him!

Non-human attack registered. - So, so, icky.

Wow. Did Thor just blow a hole, like a real hole through Goliath? Dear God. What the hoodahey is going on??? Stephen, hold me.

YAY SUE! Finally woman! Now, you need to kick your husband's stretchy ass.

Oh no, he di'nt. It's a freakin' robot? And Richard Wagner? Like Vahgner Wagner? Elitist snobby... poopypants! Oh, he makes me so mad. Not as smart as you thought you were, huh, stretcho?

Dang.

Get out now, Spidey! Swing away! Swing away!

Even Uatu thinks you should.

Figures Pym had a hand in this.

Ok, so he's a clone (should have known that I guess) and not a robot. The whole clone thing makes me nutty. It's a pandora's box that I just can't stomach. It's just an endless masssive "yoink". Pfft.

Okay, forcing acceptance and moving on.

Great panel and expression on crazy Hank's face. You know he's been hoarding DNA too.

Peter, wake up and smell the coffee. Hank is one of the main perpetrators of this disaster. He didn't choose a side, he helped create one.

Lordy, Cap's a mess.

Nighthawk! Come on, dude. You are so not the Kyle I remember.

I can't believe they aren't more galvanized to fight the power. Sissies!

He's just another old man afraid of the future. - Is he talkin' about Cap? Cause if he is, I'm gonna have Trish Starr punch him in the face with her one good arm.

Christ on a tricycle, who is that ski-masked man with the crazy eyes? It's giving me Zemo shivers.

This is making my blood boil! I need Doctor Strange and a cup of tea.

YAY SUE 2! You go, girl! He is a fascist.

Great panel with his postcoital stretchiness. And Thing watching her go. *sniff*

Uh-oh, a Fifty State Initiative. Another grand plan. I don't know much about the Thunderbolts, but trusting Zemo? Nevah! Glueface or no Glueface, he was a Nazi. People...

Seriously, how far gone are these people? They just killed one of their own and now they're sending out bad guys to get Cap et al? And they somehow think that's a good idea? I don't buy this. I want to. I know part of me has to, but deep down, I just don't believe it. Tony is an ass, and he's got an ego the size of Michigan, but this...? I don't believe he would do it. La-la-la-la, I won't believe it.

But, he's doing it.

Harrumph.

WONDER WOMAN REVIEWS "WONDER WOMAN" ANIMATED FEATURE

I know you're looking at my rack. That's cool. I get that a lot. Don't pretend. I embrace all that you are.

Loved the "Wonder Woman" animated feature. Rent it, it rocks. Now - back to my rack. Look at those glowing orbs of promise! Totally, one-hundred-percent real boobage, by the way. No fakey surgery. This is ALL me. I'm not called "Average Pear-Shaped Woman". They're hypnotic, aren't they?

Everyone should have a pair of these, even men. Trust me, war would be a thing of the ancient past. Everybody would just be smiling like an idiot, 24-7. I know I do, when I don't have to look all serious for pictures. I'm telling you, the second a photo session is done, I am smiling and giggling like a chimp. 'Cause I gots THESE.

Everyone loves'em. Young and old. All kinds and creeds. My incredible, magical, eeeeyoogah-tastic breasteses truly unite man's world. And woman's, too! I get hit on by a LOT of chicks. It's pretty awesome.

Stare as long as you want. I won't budge, promise.

- WW