CIVIL WAR #4: EAU DE CLONE

[A stream of consciousness live-blog]

Thor!

Is the Falcon blind in one eye? When did that happen?

Gordon Bennett! Thor would never say that! He'd kick their butts if he had no other choice, but he'd do it with deep regret and talk about it the whole time.

I have no idea who you are Dagger, but I feel you. Time for an exit stage right.

Wretches? Yikes. This is unnerving.

Oh, Cap looks awful. Tony, stop this madness!

Go Herc! Throw that big... thing at him!

Non-human attack registered. - So, so, icky.

Wow. Did Thor just blow a hole, like a real hole through Goliath? Dear God. What the hoodahey is going on??? Stephen, hold me.

YAY SUE! Finally woman! Now, you need to kick your husband's stretchy ass.

Oh no, he di'nt. It's a freakin' robot? And Richard Wagner? Like Vahgner Wagner? Elitist snobby... poopypants! Oh, he makes me so mad. Not as smart as you thought you were, huh, stretcho?

Dang.

Get out now, Spidey! Swing away! Swing away!

Even Uatu thinks you should.

Figures Pym had a hand in this.

Ok, so he's a clone (should have known that I guess) and not a robot. The whole clone thing makes me nutty. It's a pandora's box that I just can't stomach. It's just an endless masssive "yoink". Pfft.

Okay, forcing acceptance and moving on.

Great panel and expression on crazy Hank's face. You know he's been hoarding DNA too.

Peter, wake up and smell the coffee. Hank is one of the main perpetrators of this disaster. He didn't choose a side, he helped create one.

Lordy, Cap's a mess.

Nighthawk! Come on, dude. You are so not the Kyle I remember.

I can't believe they aren't more galvanized to fight the power. Sissies!

He's just another old man afraid of the future. - Is he talkin' about Cap? Cause if he is, I'm gonna have Trish Starr punch him in the face with her one good arm.

Christ on a tricycle, who is that ski-masked man with the crazy eyes? It's giving me Zemo shivers.

This is making my blood boil! I need Doctor Strange and a cup of tea.

YAY SUE 2! You go, girl! He is a fascist.

Great panel with his postcoital stretchiness. And Thing watching her go. *sniff*

Uh-oh, a Fifty State Initiative. Another grand plan. I don't know much about the Thunderbolts, but trusting Zemo? Nevah! Glueface or no Glueface, he was a Nazi. People...

Seriously, how far gone are these people? They just killed one of their own and now they're sending out bad guys to get Cap et al? And they somehow think that's a good idea? I don't buy this. I want to. I know part of me has to, but deep down, I just don't believe it. Tony is an ass, and he's got an ego the size of Michigan, but this...? I don't believe he would do it. La-la-la-la, I won't believe it.

But, he's doing it.

Harrumph.

WONDER WOMAN REVIEWS "WONDER WOMAN" ANIMATED FEATURE

I know you're looking at my rack. That's cool. I get that a lot. Don't pretend. I embrace all that you are.

Loved the "Wonder Woman" animated feature. Rent it, it rocks. Now - back to my rack. Look at those glowing orbs of promise! Totally, one-hundred-percent real boobage, by the way. No fakey surgery. This is ALL me. I'm not called "Average Pear-Shaped Woman". They're hypnotic, aren't they?

Everyone should have a pair of these, even men. Trust me, war would be a thing of the ancient past. Everybody would just be smiling like an idiot, 24-7. I know I do, when I don't have to look all serious for pictures. I'm telling you, the second a photo session is done, I am smiling and giggling like a chimp. 'Cause I gots THESE.

Everyone loves'em. Young and old. All kinds and creeds. My incredible, magical, eeeeyoogah-tastic breasteses truly unite man's world. And woman's, too! I get hit on by a LOT of chicks. It's pretty awesome.

Stare as long as you want. I won't budge, promise.

- WW

WONDER WOMAN & THE GIRLS

Do you think we'll get a close-up of Green Lantern adjusting his man-parts in the next animated feature?

Life isn't fair.

CIVIL WAR #3: DO YOU HEAR THE PEOPLE SING

[A stream of consciousness live-blog]

Ok, back into the fray proper. I read, tried, to read most of the off-shoots, but many just confoozled me and trying to figure out the proper reading order is nigh on impossible.

So, when last we left, Peter had revealed is true, and cute self.

God, Reed Richards is an ass. It needs to be said. Hasn't checked on Johnny, doesn't call his wife. Pfft. Ya see? T'Challa is wise.

Finally, Doc's place! Aw, crap. He's gone. To his Artic Lodge... Artic Lodge? The hell? I guess maybe if it's all Shangri-La in the Himmies, but if we're talkin' actual Arctic, we need to talk. And fasting? Hay-ell with the no. I might cut down on carbs for a week, but fasting? Stephen, honey, we need to talk.

I wish I were above it all, like him. But, I'm not. I'm petty and vindictive and would want to man the barricades and sing songs from Les Miz.

Truthfully, I'm so bummed that he's sitting this one out. I guess it makes sense from a how do we handle someone with so much power standpoint and kinda from a "it's spiritually repulsive" standpoint, but I also have trouble accepting that he's not trying to stop it, that he's not trying to be a peacemaker. The Doc in my head would have tried diplomacy to create some sort of tentative peace while they figure out who's behind all this and what's really going on here. I mean, that's one of his bestest skills - getting people who otherwise wouldn't to work well together. This is the man who got Namor and the Hulk to play nice (mostly). He's the Dag Hammarskjöld of the Marvel Universe. Dag Hammarskjöld, ladies and gentlemen!

Well, poop. It could be so cool, but noooooo... He's just "gone". Crud.

Tony's still a dog.

This is the first time I've seen Emma with an almost actual shirt on, well, something that covers her breastseses anyway.

Again with the continuity... in Iron Man, Happy just... man.

Who the heck is M in Eye?

You know, the Les Miz thing.. Tony really has gone all Javert. It's creepy.

Hee... Cap is Paul Blart, Mall Cop. DD looks so youthful. And Herc! Did you know that when I was a little kid we had a handy man named Hercules who was this huge Greek stud who, I later found out, was also a porn star. True story.

Aww...Make-A-Wish kid? Could Cap be more of the fantastic? Seriously, could he? No. He could not.

Poor Johnny. He looks like crap.

Damn that Stark!

Let SHIELD do it, that way I know they'll get away.

Cap you sneaky devil!

Who is the glowworm guy?

Oh my... the buck teeth on Cap in the "You shouldn't have taken down two of my boys, Tony." panel is priceless. Steve Rogers is... the Nutty Professor. Yah-hoi.

I can't believe Spider-Man just rabbit punched Cap and quipped while doing it! I feel barfy.

Holy Crapcicles. Tony's beatin' the bejesus out of Cap. And there's a flying tooth. I'm sorry I asked about it earlier.

Go Herc!

Ok, who or what is codename "Lightning"? They keep name dropping so you know it's important.

Odin's Beard!

Well, that answers that. Oh, that's bad news for the resistance, folks.

I'm afraid to read ish 4, but I will because I love.

S'all for nowsies.

NEW AVENGERS #22: TEACH YOUR CHILDREN WELL

[A stream of consciousness live-blog]

Yay Luke!

Tony, Tony, Tony... "Your sordid past is all be swept under the rug..." Wow, sounds like the kind of kind of government I want to work for! Come work with us and we'll bury your dirty little secrets. What kind of a country... never mind.

Carol Danvers... pfft. I don't like you, Miss Clairol.

Once again, Luke tells it like it is - short and sweet.

I never saw Mississippi Burning. I know I should, but I don't wanna. I saw Sweet Home Alabama, but I guess that doesn't count.

You're twisting this and I won't hear it! Hissy Fit, table for one. Wow. If he starts talking in the Royal We, I'm outtie.

Ok, I wasn't going to say anything the first time, but what the hell is up with the bright blue dots on the baby's face? They're making me crazy.

FIGHT THE POW-WAH!

*I raise my tiny WWI surplus-size fist in as much revolutionary support as my WASPishness can muster* Cause the closest I've ever gotten to revolution, cause that's another movie I couldn't finish, is watching import DVDs of Citizen Smith. Power to the People!

I mean, really, Al Pacino in the American Revolution? Down with the Stamp Act. Hoo-ha!

You go, Luke Cage, bringer of truths and kicker of asses!

Awww, saying goodbye. *sniff*... he's gonna be a great dad. I pity the boys who come callin'.

And, it makes no sense whatsoever that Canada is somehow hallowed ground and SHIELD and whatever evil agencies are employed in the pursuit and capture of naughty supers will just get to Niagra Falls and say, Oops, can't go there. Government, schmovernment. We all know the Canadians are in cahooties with the US in all the things that count. We send them fruits and vegetables and they send us oil and Robert Ito. Robert Ito, ladies and gentlemen!

Dear God in Heaven what is wrong with that child's eyes and teeth in the "What are you gonna do?" panel.

SHIELD is at the door. I predict they get their sorry asses whipped. Again.

There goes Luke's shirt. Again.

Yay for the crazy neighbors and their animal crazy sawed-off shotguns.

Ooooo... is that DD's billy club, and for some reason I always first think "billy goat" and that's totally different and wouldn't be quite so effective.

And Cap's shield. Now, THAT'S a shield.

Super-duper awesome. I know the artists are just pushing my buttons with those ridiculous heroic poses, but my buttons, they loves to be pushed.

I hope you all take this beating as an opportunity for introspection. - F'in great.

SHIELD summarily whipped.

The revolution is on. Viva Zapata! Now, that movie, I've seen.

CIVIL WAR #2: DON'T BE STUPID, BE A SMARTY...

[A stream of consciousness live-blog]

Cap Goes Underground, soon to be a sticker by Shephard Fairey.

Okay, the vulture I recognize, but who's the other bloke? Bloke? I'm suddenly British. Pish-toss and bugger the Queen! Must be all those scones Stephen's been bringing me from the Astral Plane Bakery.

Oh, I guess it's the Grim Reaper. He's not so scary! Is he gonna come for me now? I'm so young.

Boo! on Agent Hill and her L Word hairdo.

I'm glad Cap's not alone. No one should be alone. Except maybe Kate Hudson. You can't find yourself in a man, honey.

Save people from a few doombots and the past is forgotten. All they need to do is stage a few more events like this and rehab that image.

Holy sweet Jesus, She-Hulk's booty should have its own library card.

I don't really know anything about Tigra. Can she change or does she always look like that. Finding outfits must be hell.

Ohmygodthatisthecutestthing - The Thing all doodley with the Richards' chitlins.

Wouldn't it fun to mess with Reed and sneak in and erase just a tiny bit of his whiteboard every day. Man, he's a smarty-pants, but he's making Pym look like a the stable one.

Speak of the Devil... and 42, a little Hitchhiker's Guide shout-out? Do the kids say shout-out anymore or is there some new slang, like ping. Did you totally see that ping on The Secret Life of the American Teenager? That was totally a ping. Do the kids say totally anymore? God, I'm old. Bring me a scone, Stephen.

Susan, Susan, Susan.. I know you love him, but what sort of life is this? Take the kids and skedaddle. He won't even notice.

What will you do, JJ, when your dreams come true?

I love the way some artists really capture Spider-Man's spaztastic grace. He's so fluid, and yet, all cattywampus too.

Oh Tony, listen to that little voice of doubt.

Here's the Patriot kid again.. they're grooming him like Josh Hartnett. Let's hope this time works out better.

Well, he gets points for distance. That was one helluva jump.

Hey! They're rounding them up and putting power repressers on them just like on Heroes. You don't mean Heroes is r-r-ripping off Marvel mega-events in a vain chase to regain ratings glory? Uhhhhh....

More exposition by red shirt who doesn't sense the GOD next to him.. ok, he's not technically a god like Thor, who I still wonder about, but he's a God to me. *sigh*

So 42 is a super-cage building, just like on Heroes where.. ok, I know....

Heehee.. this is your exit, buddy!

For the record, I tried that "iwantobesomewhereelse" spell at a screening of Nights in Rodanthe. Didn't work.

I wanna live in SHIELD Safe House 23!

Oh, Thing... you don't have to be on Reed's side. It surprise me that he's not spoken against the "witchhunt"... no offense, Wanda.

Wow, Peter. You did it. Your heart's in the right place, but... oh, boy.

Teehee! Jonah fainted.

Great googley-moogley. The sides is drawn, and the battle's begun. It's so sad, but good readins!

NEW AVENGERS #21: HANK PYM MAKES A BAD CHOICE... AGAIN

[A stream of consciousness live-blog]

Poor Cap. Who knew he could draw. Of all of them, being cut off must hurt him the most. His family is kerschpluka.

Is that a retcon of Cap's discovery in the ice? The IM armor is all wrong. Or is Cap's memory all a jumbley like Logan's was/is/will be?

Wow, quite a rant there by Cap. I have to say, it's true mostly, but that late night comedy news is a better source than most.

What the hell is a Capekiller and what the hooda-hey is wrong with Cap's pants?

Capekilling as in killing people who wear capes? That's awful.

Is Cap dreaming? Cause I'm stuck in Whatthefuckville. Is this the safe house or just some "abandoned warehouse"? Damn you, Reading Order Gods.

Yay, Falcon. His BFF.

No love lost for Tony.

Ok, at what point in the melee did Cap change his boots and pants? Not that I'm upset he got rid of those horrid pants, but what the hell?

I'm down, brotha. I ain't buyin' what they're sellin' and I ain't movin'. Right on!

At least he grabbed his nifty Cap shirt, which I still think looks like fish scales.

Cap is so forgiving and understanding and doodley! He understands Peter's choice and regrets that he wasn't the one to help him... *sniff*.

So, Sentry's ship.. it's there, it's not there.. wtf?

Grab your stuff and a bunch of ants... - Hee!

I didn't think you thought that much of me. - Wow, does that speak volumes.

Oh, Highpockets. You big lummox.

And here they are, ladies and gentlemen, a day late and a dollar short, your SHIELD agents at work. Pffft.

Hmmm, I wonder who is next? Cap looks angry and constipated. I'll have Doc bring him a bran muffin.