'CROSS THE RAINBOW BRIDGE...

I say thee, nay, Doug Henning!
Base villain, stand and face the might of Thor!

EARTH'S TRUE SORCERER SUPREME

I'M "IN EXTREMIS"...

Give me that cake or I'll rip your arm off. Seriously. I'm retaining the Monongahela here, my shoes don't fit anymore. I need new shoes. God these are ugly shoes. Are you going to put that away or are you waiting for the goddamn maid cause I don't have anything better to do than pick up after you. Call your mother, cause I ain't doin' it. I've got my own shit to deal with, ok? I've got stuff. I mean, I'm really trying here and you don't love me, do you? Why would you? No, I'm not crying. Shut up. God, I want a pretzel. Not those crappy Gluton-free ones you buy, I want a real pretzel. A soft pretzel with giant hunks of salt.. salt so big Peter Dinklage could live inside one. God, my back is killing me. If you think you're touching my breasts tonight, you're nuts. Not that you'd even want to. God, I'm a cow. Don't look at me. Are you going to finish that cake or what?

HULK ALSO REALLY WANT TO SMASH

FREECREDITREPORT.COM GUY. HULK IS NOT SURE WHY, BUT HULK THINKS IT MIGHT BE SMUG WHITEBOY FACE AND SENSE OF ENTITLEMENT. HULK ALSO HATES STUPID SONGS, AND HULK KNOWS THAT EVEN THOUGH FREECREDITREPORT.COM GUY SING ABOUT NOT HAVING GOOD CREDIT, HE CAN EASILY GET JOB AT FATHER'S FIRM.

HULK WATCH OSCARS!!!!!!!!!!!!

GRAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! HULK COULD NOT GET INTO OSCARS THIS YEAR BECAUSE OF MIX-UP AT GERSH AGENCY. ALSO PUNY HUMANS AFRAID HULK WOULD SMASH KODAK THEATRE. PUNY HUMANS MAY HAVE BEEN RIGHT. IF YOU HAVE EVER SEEN TRAFFIC NEAR KODAK THEATRE, EVEN ON WEEKEND, YOU WOULD WANT TO SMASH, TOO.

SO HULK WATCH OSCARS ON TV. HULK LIVE-BLOGGING:

RED CARPET -

HULK NOT KNOW WHO MILEY CYRUS IS, BUT IN DRESS SHE LOOK LIKE WAITRESS AT KNOTT’S BERRY FARM.

HULK WANT TO SMASH RYAN SEACREST. BUT HULK KNOW HIS TEETH WOULD REASSEMBLE AND COME BACK TO HAUNT HULK.

ANGELINA LOOK PRETTY. HULK FEEL FUNNY AND WARM.

HULK HAS NOT SEEN “HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL” BECAUSE HULK SMASHES HIGH SCHOOLS AND MUSICALS. BUT HULK THINKS THAT ZACK EFFRON LOOKS LIKE DAVID CASSIDY SLEPT WITH DAVID CASSIDY AND HAD A BABY. HULK KNOWS THIS IMPOSSIBLE BUT LOOK AT HIM AND TELL HULK THAT HULK IS WRONG.

THE SHOW -

WOLVERINE INCREDIBLY GAY. HULK ALWAYS SUSPECTED BUT NOW HULK REALLY KNOW. HULK HAS NO PROBLEM WITH IT, HULK IS JUST SAYING. LAST TIME HULK SAW SO MANY DANCERS WEARING TIGHT GOLD PANTS, HULK WAS FIGHTING THE LEADER IS TIMES SQUARE, AND PUNCHED LEADER’S ROBOT INTO THEATRE WHERE “STARLIGHT EXPRESS” WAS SHOWING.

HULK THINKS ANN HATHAWAY CUTE AS BUTTON. GIRL CAN SING! HULK LIKE SINGING BUTTON-GIRL.

HULK HAPPY FOR PENELOPE CRUZ. PENELOPE CRUZ PRETTY. HULK STILL LIKE ANGELINA, TOO. ANGELINA HAD BETTER WIN OR HULK SMASH KODAK THEATRE.

WHY THEATRE NAMED AFTER INSTAMATIC CAMERA? HULK THINK IT MAY BE CORPORATE SYNERGY.

HULK HAPPY FOR HEATH LEDGER. HULK ALSO HAPPY THAT NOW HULK CAN STOP HEARING ABOUT HEATH LEDGER FOR AWHILE. IF ARMY REALLY WANT TO CAPTURE HULK, ARMY SHOULD JUST SIT HULK DOWN AND TALK ABOUT HOW GREAT LEDGER IS. HULK WOULD BE ALL, “HULK KNOWS, ALREADY”, AND WOULD ROLL HULK’S EYES AND NOD OFF. THEN ARMY COULD PUT HULK IN ELECTRIC CAGE.

HULK DOES NOT CARE ABOUT TECHNICAL AWARDS. HULK LIKE JESSICA BEIL BUT HULK SAY THAT SHE SHOULD FIRE AGENT, BECAUSE HER DRESS LOOK LIKE OLD TABLECLOTH FROM CHASEN’S.

HULK STARING AT STAGE AND SCRATCHING HULK’S HEAD. WHY DOES STAGE LOOK LIKE COSTCO WAREHOUSE? REMINDER TO HULK FROM HULK: BUY BULK BACON, CHEAP ELECTRONICS AND TOILET PAPER.

HULK CONFUSED BY BOLLYWOOD MUSICAL NUMBER. HULK KNOW THAT INDIA HUGE FORCE IN FILMAKING, BUT HULK WANT TO SEE ANGELINA WIN RIGHT NOW.

BOLLYWOOD NUMBER STILL GOING ON. HULK IS GOING TO FRIDGE FOR ICE CREAM SANDWICH. HULK MAD BECAUSE ONLY VANILLA LEFT. HULK WANTED VANILLA, CHOCOLATE AND STRAWBERRY FILLING IN THREE EQUAL BLOCKS. HULK SMASH FRIDGE AND SOON HULK WILL SMASH CARNATION COMPANY FOR NOT MAKING ENOUGH ICE CREAM SANDWICHES THAT HULK LIKES.

HULK BACK. BOLLYWOOD NUMBER STILL GOING ON. IF NOT OVER SOON, HULK WILL SMASH INDIA.

GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! ANGELINA NOT WIN!!!!!!!!!!
HULK ANGRY, ESPECIALLY AT MARKETING PEOPLE ON “CHANGELING”. THIS SHOULD HAVE BEEN ANGELINA’S YEAR. ANGELINA ALWAYS MAKE SURE TO BALANCE SEXY-ACTION-GIRL PARTS WITH WOMEN-WHO-CHANGE-WORLD-WITH-POLITICS AND WOMEN-WHO-FIGHT-SYSTEM-FOR-THE-CHILDREN PARTS. HULK WILL SMASH PUNY MARKETING PEOPLE. BUT HULK WILL NOT SMASH KATE WINSLET, BECAUSE HER SPEECH GOOD AND GENUINE. ALSO HULK IS BIG SAM MENDES FAN. HULK WANT TO PITCH MENDES ON MUSICAL ABOUT HULK AND ANGELINA, WHERE ANGELINA FIGHT SYSTEM FOR THE CHILDREN, AND HULK PLAY LOVE INTEREST WITH SONG IN HEART.

HULK HAVE THEORY THAT SEAN PENN AND MERYL STREEP ARE SAME PERSON, AND TAKE TURNS WINNING OSCAR. HULK CALLS THIS BEING “PENNSTREEP”. PENSTREEP HAVE LIKE 46 OSCARS NOW. HULK THINKS PENNSTREEP SHOULD GIVE ONE TO BRAD PITT FOR “BENJAMIN BUTTON”, AND GIVE FOUR TO ANGELINA BECAUSE ANGELINA PRETTY AND MAKE HULK FEEL FUNNY AND WARM.

HULK CHANGING CHANNEL BECAUSE HULK ALREADY KNOW “SLUMDOG” BEST PICTURE. HULK JUST POPPED “CHANGELING” BLURAY INTO PUNY MACHINE SO HULK CAN WATCH ANGELINA FIGHT SYSTEM FOR HER SON. SO HULK SAY KEEP DREAMS ALIVE AND KEEP REACHING FOR STARS. HULK OUT!

NEW AVENGERS ILLUMINATI #3: PUT ON YOUR MEMBERS ONLY JACKET!

[A stream of consciousness live-blog]

Ish 3...

OOoo, they've given Charles the Raccoon-Eyes of Evil Intent. Or maybe he's just tuckered. Why is it that evil always has shadowed/dark rimmed eyes? Are their evil ways keeping them up at night? Vitamin B deficiency? Reed should study that.

Ok, I'm guessing I'm supposed to know who this Beyonder is. The only thing he seems beyond right now is fashion sense.

"He constructed a place called Battleworld and populated it with 37 men and women from the planet earth. Then told us to fight to the death." - See it, Monday nights at eleven on SpikeTV - television for men.

Ooooo, big cool two-panel with oodles and kaboodles of supers. Hmmmm, Hawkeye and Thor. I wonder when this was.

Why do people in wheelchairs get blankets and the rest of us don't?

An inhuman mutant...like Sammy Davis, Jr.

Poor BlackBolt. He needs another hug. I'm here for you and your sensual, pouty mouth, BB! No tongue, though. That would shatter a mountain.

Again, with the quickly and quietly.

Doc's looking very serious and slightly ominous.

Oh, snap. You tell him, Namor. He's keeping something from them.

Hee. He will bow down..love you, Namor.

Ok, hold the phone. We don't know where Tony is and we hope he's ok? A little cavalier (and no Clay) there isn't it?

Love how Namor peels the baloney off the bread and accusing them of profiting off the Skrull ship!

Cool. Manhattan in the middle of an asteroid belt. It's probably easier to drive into than the real one.

There are no people here. They have no minds. They are just empty vessels. - Yup, Manhattan all right. Don't hate the playa, hate the game. Left Coast!

Coolsies, blaxsploitation Luke and old school Spidey with new school webbing? Is that a no prize?

The Beyonder is...........Denny Terrio? I wonder if he'll sue Merv Griffin later in this ish.

By the Boogers of Bendis! Looks like he's going to pick Doc's nose!

Wow, he did bow down. Boltagon? Okay, that's lame. Even Blackie McBoltington would be better.

Oooo. HULK SMASH his way into my heart.

Doc's having a hard time with this. That'd be a great way to kill him, not that I support that in any way, but to tamper with the natural order. It makes him ooky.

Ok, it's unnatural cause the Mists got their, uhm, mists in a twist and created him? That's bogus. He's as natural as corn syrup. Didn't you hear? It's just made from corn!

But seriously. He's getting the fuzzy end of the lollipop here. He created a fantasy world with fake people and plays with them. If that's wrong, I don't want to be right! Is this some self-reflexive loathing on Marvel's part? Where would they be without Beyonders, I mean fans?

We can interfere with our own species. I'm going to remember that!

Holy crap! Doc's in bed with Clea and...Wanda? Is that Wanda? THAT'S his greatest fantasy? I'm so depressed.

Seriously. I threw up a little in my mouth.

Great panel looking back down into the skylight of his village house.

And Reed dreams of Iron Man with boobies?

Wtf?

Namor's people invading the surface world, that I can live with.. that makes sense... but the others.. I can't go on...

Finally. Good for you BB!

Doc is having a total spaz. Did he turn him to stone? Yikes. I second your "Uhm", Reed, and add a "The Hell?" Did he do it to himself?

He was fragile...infantile. "And quite a %^$# idiot. " - Teehee!

Ok, so, I don't know what to make of any of that. All I know is I'm still barfy and need a drink. Oh, Doc. I thought I knew ya! I will have to purge all memory of this or find some fantastic rationalization. It just doesn't compute. I know he's a man, but his greatest desire is a threesome? I expect that from Amy Winehouse, but not from Doctor Strange.

I guess not having read about the Beyonder before leaves me a disadvantage here, but this ish left me with a strong "what the frak was that?" feeling. Characters out of whack and the story.. I don't get it.

Oh, well. They can't all be home runs. Unless you're juiced. Right, A-Rod?

S'all for tonight. I'm going to pretend none of that happened and weep softly.

THE LOVE THEME FROM...

SECRET WAR
Once I had a secret war
That lived within the heart of Latvaria
All too soon my secret war
Fell apart and came back on me

So I told Captain America
The way that soldiers often do
Just how fucked up it all was
And why I'm hiding from the man and from you

Now I shout it from the highest hills (but I won't cause it's level 10)
Even told the costumed freaks
At last my ass is out the door
And my secret war's no secret anymore