MIDDLE-AGED MEN OF AMERICA, UNITE AND TOUCH THYSELVES

REAPING THE WHIRLWIND: THE ANDRE GERARD STORY

Miriam Birchwood will be signing copies of her new book, Reaping the Whirlwind: The André Gerard Story this Saturday at the Fox Hills Mall Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf.

"It's the story of a promise never fulfilled," said Birchwood. "A wind that just... pooped out."

Although not very well-known in America, The Cyclone (Gerard's nom-de-crime) was a brief, but shining star in France. But, even the French have their limits. "After the 'Fan Fiasco' of '75, he was never the same. Those were dark, windless days."

Birchwood, best known for her work as the gossip columnist for the New York newspaper The Daily Bugle, found herself "irresistibly blown" to tell the story of Gerard, a former NATO engineer who turned to a gusty, if shortlived, life of crime. "It's so tragic," laments Birchwood. "A pathos only the French and Aaron Spelling can truly understand."

Look for Birchwood's next "super bio" this fall - Xemnu: The Child Inside.

QUICKSILVER STARRED IN HIS OWN MOVIE!!

Okay, that never happened and was never planned to happen, ever. Pietro could not support a film vehicle. The speed-stuff would look great, what with the computers and the tech and the sounds and the whizzing, but the truth is only a young Joseph Cotten could have ever played him, as he is the only film star with the chops and the hairline. I think Werner Fassbinder would agree with me, and that's more than good enough for me.

However, 1986's Kevin Bacon-starrer, "QUICKSILVER", is about a hep, doesn't-bike-by-the-rules bicycle messenger named Jack Casey (thank you, Commodore-Vic-20 character-name-generator) who, well, rides fast around New York messengering stuff, and then there's a romance and some conflict and a big finish. On bicycles. I think Kevin Bacon triumphs in the end at something and discovers he is more than just a messenger. Maybe he discovers he has a message of his own. We all do. Mine is to always bring a windbreaker with you, even if it's warm, 'cause you never really know and it's always cooler at night.

I actually saw this movie when it came out in 1986. I was straight and sober so I remember none of it, but I do dilly-efinitely remember the veeerrrryyyy-hot-in-a-chipmunky-way Whitney Kershaw, who played the girl who liked Kevin Bacon. Seeing her in bicycle shorts kept me in personal-pleasuring mental material for years, until I moved onto whoever played the girl in "Hot Pursuit" with John Cusack. And Whitney's character's name, I remember it because it is the BEST name in any movie ever: Rand. Her name is Rand. How could you not fall in love with a girl in bicycle shorts named Rand? I dare you not to, next time you see one. Seriously, you will fall hard, harder than you thought and more than you want. It will be the relationship that destroys your heart until you stitch it back together with prayer, time, and your cat's companionship. And even when you find your real life-partner, memories of Rand will haunt you at the oddest times, and you will smile, but your smile will be crying a little.

SOUND YOUR TRUMPET, GIDEON TO REPLACE GEITHER?

Reliable sources have confirmed that Timothy Geither will soon be replaced as Treasury Secretary by industrialist Gregory Gideon. The Administration feels that Gideon's past as a ruthless, plutomaniacal bully will help him in dealing with the AIGs of the world. "He speaks their language" said a source who asked to remain anonymous. Rumors that the Eternity Machine will be nominated as Deputy Secretary are as yet unsubstantiated.

CIVIL WAR #6: MARVEL'S DRIVING ME TO DRINK

[A stream of consciousness live-blog]

Hill and Pym - double-grrrrr.

Mormon heroes in Utah? Mustn't make joke about about magic underwear.

Spaceknights heading for Chicago? Are they stopping the in the 1980s on the way?

How rich is it that Crazy Hank is saying the public deserves heroes they can count on. Don't other heroes deserve heroes they can count on?

I'm going to POP! Reed gets immunity for Sue and Johnny? How hypocritical can these guys get?

Ah, the Punisher. Just watched his movie. That was one ginormous violent trope in a box. I love Ray and don't know doodle about the Punisher, but it felt like an R-rated Dick Tracy. Is that how it's supposed to be? Kind of goofy? The Jigsaw stuff was silly, like Danny Devito as the Penguin silly.

I guess if you like a character intro that has: a broken back, a beheading, a broken neck, and another, a knife to the brain, compound fracture to the arm, stabbed, another knife to the brain, slit throat, 3 shot in the chest, spinning machine gun fire and a dozen dead, chair leg in the eye socket/brain, bullet in the chest, another in the chest, bullet to the brain, 2 more in the chest, double shot to the brain, then this movie is for you.

I guess shooting people in the head is his thing, huh?

God, I love Namor. Nobody does the indolent king slouch better.

Man oh manschewitz, I wish Cap were making a deal with Stephen. *sniff* From your pouty lips to God's ears, Subby!

He is day-amn sexy.

Goldbug? Plunderer?

Wow. Punisher just... kills. Wow.

Boy, he's brutal, but he gets big points for not fighting back against Cap.

YAY! Doctor Strange. Please, please, please end your exile and come back and talk some sense into these maroons!

No food? Come back and I'll take you to Denny's. It's on me.

Ok, I HATE these sorts of rationalizations. Doc acts like he isn't a human being, like he's of a different nature than the rest of humanity and super-humanity? Be above it and not influence it? Bull with the shit. You influence it with every step you've ever taken on earth, with every bad guy you've ever fought, with every friend you've ever made. And now? Now, when they need you, you can't get involved? I call magical BS on this entire thing. Monique has spoken!

A true master would be able to have his powers and not use all of them. Cap doesn't hit as hard as he can, Doc can and should be able to do the same. Or at least try. The not trying is KILLING ME.

Moving on because this really toasts my muffin!

Thank God the portal to the Negative Zone has a big 42 in it. Wouldn't want to step in the wrong giant portal and end up in 26 or heaven forfend, 12. They're animals in 12.

Boy, Sue's invisibility power is handy dandy! I would sneak into Laker games.

Oh, crap.

Stupid Tigra. Take your blackberry and don't darken my door again!

Hulking? Again with the oy on that.

Cool. Free the prisoners! Attica! Attica!

Crap, crap, crap, crap. I hate this. I hate that this is going to happen. I hate that Tony and Reed don't see the abomination they've created. Who wants a Pyrrhic victory? Just looking at who is on what side... how could anyone want to fight on the same side as Tony and Reed's horde of the damned.

Damn. Have I mentioned how much I hate this?

Man. I'm dreading reading the next one. Nothing good can possibly come of it. And Stephen's navel gazing while his friends - his friends! - are going to kill each other.

Sheesh.

I need a drink.

C.I.A. TRIGGER PHRASE THAT COMMANDS ME TO KILL

Josh Radnor.

Star of TV's "How I Met Your Mother", his name and face must have been implanted via nanochip and 'bot into my pons medulla. Because on the rare occassions when I see and hear him when I am channel-flipping, a tsunami of rage and confusion siezes my solar plexus and I am imminently susceptible to my darkest, most primal impulses. If whomever was standing next to me at the time tells me to fly to Cuba and whack Castro, we'd all be smoking the best cigars right now.

It could just simply be that I am annoyed that TV seems to always look for the blandest, most innoffensive. most pussy-like leading men who may as well have vulvas, and that whenever I think TV has found The One Who Could Not Be Blander (see whomever was the lead on "Dharma And Greg"), TV goes me one blander and pussier. It is a genuine talent, like finding truffles or being Head Floutist for The Boston Pops.

However, I choose to believe there is a vast conspiracy behind my seemingly irrational emotions in regards to Josh. He has never done anything to me. I must have been kidnapped by Masons and pumped with drugs the public has never had access to, and programmed to do their bidding via the Josh Button.

Also, the slightly sticky-uppie hair ("I care about how cool I look but I really don't but I do. Really I don't (do). Do!") makes my shpincter do the Macarayna.

I JUST CAST THE "DOCTOR STRANGE" MOVIE

Lloyd Bochner IS Doctor Strange.

My memory is not always reliable, but he was all over television in the 70s, and was the lead singer for Bochner Turner Overdrive.