MAKE MINE MA-HOOOOLLLY CRAP!!!

In 1978, Gerald Ford was walking into walls, "Fly Robin Fly" was still the only song on AM radio, and CBS made a couple of "Captain America" TV-movies in the hopes of turning into a series.

That's Reb Brown ("Yor, Hunter From The Future" to jog your memories. What? You don't remember "Yor"? I got nuthin' else) under the helmet. His dacron-blend costume was played by a young Heather Menzies, and that's Herve Villechaize bewteen his legs, ringing a bell.

WHO REALLY KILLED THE STOCK MARKET

YOU MAY HAVE SEEN SOME "YAZ" COMMERCIALS THAT WERE UNCLEAR!

Hey, get off my ass. This hot chick said you MAY have. Dimplomatic immunity!

YAZ is a little pill that basically promises its ingestor superpowers.

In truth, it's a birth control pill. You'd never know that from the initial commercial, where this cutie-patootie Sex And The City-ish girl does lots of happy kicks at what looks like an empty bar in Georgetown. I guess she's so happy and kicky because with YAZ "you MAY experience shorter, lighter periods." No promises. You also may spontaneously combust. Who the fuck knows? I'm not a scientist.

I guess that ad was unclear, though, because when Saucy "Nipples" McTavish here comes back in another ad to ACTUALLY SAY THAT THE PREVIOUS COMMERCIAL MAAAY HAVE BEEN UNCLEAR, there must already be a class-action lawsuit ("All Women Ever Vs. Yaz") gurgling and festering throughout the Western Hemisphere that makes Big Tobacco crap their Depends with relief and girlish laughter.

Actual potential side effects of reading this blog entry (and of YAZ, from their site) include: upper respiratory infection, headache, breast pain, vaginal moniliasis, leukorrhea, diarrhea, nausea, vomiting, vaginitis, abdominal pain, flu syndrome, dysmenorrhea, moniliasis, allergic reaction, urinary tract infection, accidental injury, cystitis, tooth disorder, sore throat, infection, fever, surgery, sinusitis, back pain, emotional lability, migraine, suspicious Papanicolaou smear, dyspepsia, rhinitis, acne, gastroenteritis, bronchitis, pharyngitis, skin disorder, intermenstrual bleeding, decreased libido, weight gain, pain, depression, increased cough, dizziness, menstrual disorder, pain in extremity, pelvic pain, and asthenia.

I don't ever want to know what "vaginal monilasis" is.

This blog entry may have been unclear. Or maybe it opened your Third Eye Chakra and you are free to leave the Third Dimension at will. Like I said, I am not a fucking scientist.

I SAW THIS TODAY AT EARTH-2 COMICS IN SHERMAN OAKS AND WAS AFRAID TO LOOK AT IT BUT I DID IT ANYWAY

Yesh it's for real. From Earth One!

Apparently "Superman" co-creator Joe Schuster moonlighted for years as an erotic/fetish artist, and many of his scenarios involved a woman who looks EXACTLY like Lois Lane and a man who lookee just likee Superman/Clark.

How motherfucking cool is that? I love knowing this even more than the pictures themselves. I flipped through the book and yes I saw boobies but no va-jay-jays and no I did not look long and hard enough to see if there were any weiners in there.

Best of all, the book's intro is written by Stan The Man Lee. I did not read it but I can guess:

"Hail, effendis! Welcome to the groin'-throbbinest, hard-nipplest, most spank-tastic naughty artwork in the history of the medium! It hearkens humble moi back to 1940, when I first created the Marvel Universe on a box of ribbon candy and tucked it away 'til its day had come. Although I merely co-created the real universe, and Joe Schuster, and figs, and also stem cells, I give my heroic guarantee that the following pages overflow with zazztastic drawingramas stuffed to the gills with hootie-patootie-sakabootie and Make Mine Marvel and in the time it took to write this I self-created a pocket universe that I will now vacation in. Excelsior!!!!!"

MIDDLE-AGED MEN OF AMERICA, UNITE AND TOUCH THYSELVES

REAPING THE WHIRLWIND: THE ANDRE GERARD STORY

Miriam Birchwood will be signing copies of her new book, Reaping the Whirlwind: The André Gerard Story this Saturday at the Fox Hills Mall Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf.

"It's the story of a promise never fulfilled," said Birchwood. "A wind that just... pooped out."

Although not very well-known in America, The Cyclone (Gerard's nom-de-crime) was a brief, but shining star in France. But, even the French have their limits. "After the 'Fan Fiasco' of '75, he was never the same. Those were dark, windless days."

Birchwood, best known for her work as the gossip columnist for the New York newspaper The Daily Bugle, found herself "irresistibly blown" to tell the story of Gerard, a former NATO engineer who turned to a gusty, if shortlived, life of crime. "It's so tragic," laments Birchwood. "A pathos only the French and Aaron Spelling can truly understand."

Look for Birchwood's next "super bio" this fall - Xemnu: The Child Inside.

QUICKSILVER STARRED IN HIS OWN MOVIE!!

Okay, that never happened and was never planned to happen, ever. Pietro could not support a film vehicle. The speed-stuff would look great, what with the computers and the tech and the sounds and the whizzing, but the truth is only a young Joseph Cotten could have ever played him, as he is the only film star with the chops and the hairline. I think Werner Fassbinder would agree with me, and that's more than good enough for me.

However, 1986's Kevin Bacon-starrer, "QUICKSILVER", is about a hep, doesn't-bike-by-the-rules bicycle messenger named Jack Casey (thank you, Commodore-Vic-20 character-name-generator) who, well, rides fast around New York messengering stuff, and then there's a romance and some conflict and a big finish. On bicycles. I think Kevin Bacon triumphs in the end at something and discovers he is more than just a messenger. Maybe he discovers he has a message of his own. We all do. Mine is to always bring a windbreaker with you, even if it's warm, 'cause you never really know and it's always cooler at night.

I actually saw this movie when it came out in 1986. I was straight and sober so I remember none of it, but I do dilly-efinitely remember the veeerrrryyyy-hot-in-a-chipmunky-way Whitney Kershaw, who played the girl who liked Kevin Bacon. Seeing her in bicycle shorts kept me in personal-pleasuring mental material for years, until I moved onto whoever played the girl in "Hot Pursuit" with John Cusack. And Whitney's character's name, I remember it because it is the BEST name in any movie ever: Rand. Her name is Rand. How could you not fall in love with a girl in bicycle shorts named Rand? I dare you not to, next time you see one. Seriously, you will fall hard, harder than you thought and more than you want. It will be the relationship that destroys your heart until you stitch it back together with prayer, time, and your cat's companionship. And even when you find your real life-partner, memories of Rand will haunt you at the oddest times, and you will smile, but your smile will be crying a little.