DEAR GOD, WHAT WAS I THINKING ABOUT THE BRONZE AGE? MY HEART HURTS, PART DEUX - FF #132 - OKAY NOW I'M DONE WITH THIS TITLE

The last two pages of Fantastic Four #132 are the most devastating, heart-shredding, and just plain sad in all of history in any medium.

It sure felt like that at the time.

Crystal (Inhuman Elemental Adorable Innocent Hippie-ish Hottie) has been dating The Human Torch for about seven years' worth of comics at this point. She even replaced Sue for a while and looked much cuter in her FF-variant costume. Johnny loves her and we love her and their love and our love will never die and the Beatles will never break up and flowers are the new money and Crystal is adorable.

Only we found out last issue that Crystal is dating Quicksilver. Quicksilver! Snotty Speedster and son of Magneto. She rescued him from a recent "Avengers" issue and they hooked up. It all happened so fast. Johnny, Schmonny. Johnny does not take it well and flames on like he's never flamed before.

Crystal makes her choice on these last two pages, and it's very well-written. She has her reasons and is nothing less than totally honest with Johnny. Johnny is shockingly mature about it, but we KNOW he's dying inside. The art conveys this beautifully. So does my own dying inside.

Then she walks away, and it really felt like we would never see her again, and never get to see how great John Buscema draws girls.

Ooooo the walking away was hard enough. Leave me alone. I want a Charleston Chew and a Grape Nehi, stat. But it gets worse!

The Thing knows Johnny is utterly crushed, and for once in his life, does not bust on him. He just casually asks him if he wants to see "The Godfather" when they get back to New York. That's the kind of small but HUGE moment that makes Marvel the bestest. At the time "The Godfather" was a REAL sensation in the REAL world and even my 9-year-old self was aware of it. And so were Ben and Johnny! They must be real, too. I knew it! I'll keep this to myself, but I knew I was right.

And then, Johnny says sure, why not, let's go, but his back is turned on Ben, and he's crying. He's fucking crying! He's not just a cocky fireball-hurling thinking-man's Bobby Sherman. He's got a big fat heart in there and it just sus-ploded into thirty-quintillion fiery shards.

NOBODY at DC cried. Not even the chicks.

This is the kind of scene and kind of issue that explains why there are Marvel-people and why there are DC-people. Today both companies put out emotionally-drenched stuff, but back then only Marvel was doing stuff like this. It kept you coming back and actually caring about what was going to happen to these people.

BRONZE-AGE MARVEL IS EVEN BETTER THAN THE REAL BRONZE AGE PART ONE: "FANTASTIC FOUR" #132

Back in 1973, way before the days of decompressed storytelling and trade editions, A COLOSSAL AMOUNT OF SHIT HAPPENED IN EACH AND EVERY ISSUE OF A COMIC BOOK. Especially a Marvel book. Every friggin' time you spent twenty cents (or your Grandfather did for you) you'd get 20 jillion dollars worth of entertainment, ever-y time. This is why comics were so very much cooler than TV or movies. A TV show might make you laugh for 23 minutes, maybe, if it's early, funny MASH or "The 2000 Year-Old Man" special or "When Things Were Rotten". A movie might creep you out for an hour or two if it's "Willard". But a Marvel comic would arrest and demand all of your senses and emotions simultaneously and then take them all for a psychedelic flume ride and leave you in a puddle of cerebral-solar-plexial-goo. Combine that with a sugary cereal and Timothy Leary can have his experiments, I'm just fine here on the floor, thank you.

I am sure I read FF 132 at least twenty times the week I got it when I was 9. It was so intense, in fact way too intense, for a little boy, which is all the more reason to dive in. It has people on fire and a giant and huge fights and a whole lot of preaching about equality and beautiful art and it's full of incredibly messed-up people, even the heroes, who are depressed, enraged, sarcastic, fearful, brave and insane. My family was like this! I could relate. It was like the comic was feeling my unexpressed and unarticulated feelings for me. Every character was so friggin' PASSIONATE about, well, whatever they were passionate about.

And don't even get me started on Medusa. A gorgeous redhead in a purple bathing suit? Um, yes, please, and keep them coming. I feel warm and funny and I LIKEY.

The Human Torch gets a new costume in this one, and I was as happy as he looks in that panel. Damn that's a cool variant. It only lasted 'til FF 159 but they should bring it back.

I need a moment before Part 2 because it's making me all sad and knotted-up to even have to go there again....

TALES OF THE WATCHER

In the next exciting issue: Uatu watches...something.

"NUTRITION BY NATALIE" ENDS MY 40-YEAR AFFAIR WITH LUCKY CHARMS, YET TEACHES ME HOW TO LOVE

Not only am I like all into nutrition more than I ever was, but I especially am all into a really cute girl telling me about it. "Nutrition By Natalie" is a bunch of videos on YouTube that have a lot of good and easily-digestible info about health and whatnot, and Natalie is really cute. I will eat better now, but only for her.

Lucky Charms rule and were once worshipped by the secret Altantean priestcraft, but - gasp - they are essentially candy and as good for you as Abilify has been for Hank Pym. Now, I always knew this, even as a kid, but now, Natalie has told me, so it's really true. Natalie Natalie Natalie. Say it loud and there's music playing. Say it soft and it's almost like praying.

DUDE, AWESOME KEGGER!!!

WORST NEW PRODUCT NAME

LETTER I WROTE TO NIGHTSHADE WHEN I WAS IN THIRD GRADE

Deer Nightshade,

You are sooooo pretty. I can see your belly button. I like your hair, too.

Even tho you tried to kill Captin America and you turned Falcon into a werewolf, I still think you are great. I can see your thighs. Do you like Good Humor Ice Cream? I love the Chocolate Fudge Cake Bar. You know the one with the candy bar in the middle and you have to eat all the ice cream and crumblies around it to get to it? That one. It's soooo good. If you came over my house and the Good Humor truck came by, I would buy you one. They are 35 cents. They used to be only 25 cents but there is an oil crisis and my Dad is always yelling at Prezident Nicksman when he's on TV.

How come your boots go up so high? Are you cold? I have a fringe jacket my Dad got me at Sears. You can have it if you want it. It might not fit you but you could cover your chest and that way not get so many colds. But now I am thinking about you covering it and it makes me feel sad. I don't know why but it does.

If we got married you would always be happy because I would always be nice to you and I get really good grades so someday I will be rich and probably a pirate or a ghost or
I will make Bic Banana magic markers. I would make the purple ones purpler.

I heart U 4ever, as much as Gwen,
Michael