MMMM. CAMERON GLISTEN LIKE RAINBOW. CAMERON SHINE LIKE MORNING SUN. CAMERON UNDERSTAND HULK. HULK SIGH.

BEST ANIMATED FILM: "UP".

QUEL SURPRISE! EVEN HULK HAD MONEY ON THAT ON THAT ONE. HULK SEE LOU GRANT IN AUDIENCE. DID THEY MAKE "LOU GRANT" MOVIE, BASED ON TV SHOW? HULK MISSED IT. HULK WOULD CAST MICHAEL CHIKLIS AS NEW, YOUNGISH LOU GRANT IN REBOOT.

MILEY CYRUS AND BLONDE GIRL ONSTAGE. MILEY CARRY ALL HER TENSION IN HER SHOULDERS. MILEY NEED ALEXANDER TECHNIQUE. WOULD MAKE HUGE DIFFERENCE.

BEST ORIGINAL SONG: SOMETHING WITH A FIDDLE FROM "CRAZY HEART".

HULK HATE THE FIDDLE. REMIND HULK OF BAD EXPERIENCE IN OZARKS. DON'T PRY OR HULK WILL SMASH YOU.

HULK LIKE TINA FEY. HULK LIKE THAT TINA STRIDE SHOW BIZ LIKE COLOSSUS WHILE SKEWERING SHOW BIZ AT SAME TIME. HULK PISSED THAT SHE'S PRESENTING WITH IRON MAN, THOUGH. PUNY STARK ALWAYS TRYING TO HURT HULK. HULK DON'T MEAN TO BE BITCHY, BUT STARK DRINK. A LOT. HULK JUST SAYING.

BEST SCREENPLAY: "HURT LOCKER"

HULK HAS NOT SEEN "HURT LOCKER". IS IT MUSICAL?

MOLLY RINGWALD AND FERRIS BUELLER SHOUT OUT TO JOHN HUGHES. HULK MISS JOHN HUGHES.

MCCAULEY CULKIN LOOK SAME AS MCCAULEY CULKIN LOOKED IN 1991.

SAMUEL L. JACKSON ALWAYS YELLING. WHY HE SO MAD? HE MAKE MORE MOVIES THAN MICHAEL CAINE. MORE TV MOVIES THAN DENNIS BOUTZEKARIS. HULK SAY CHEER UP.

HULK LIIIIIKE ZOE SALDANA. ZOE PRETT-Y. HULK WOULD TAKE HER TO SIZZLER FOR CHEESE TOAST, THOUGH. ZOE NEED SOME CARBS. HULK DOES NOT KNOW WHO IS STANDING NEXT TO HER AND HULK DOESN'T CARE.

BEST ANIMATED SHORT: HULK DOESN'T CARE. AND MAKER OF SHORT SHOULD NOT WEAR TIE SO LOOSE. THIS IS OSCARS, NOT NOSH AT NATE N' AL'S.

PUNY GIRL NEXT TO ZOE HAS BRITISH ACCENT. HULK ALREADY BORED BECAUSE HULK GUARANTEES MOVIE SHE WAS IN HAS PEOPLE IN CORSETS STANDING AT WINDOWS LAMENTING ARRANGED MARRIAGES. OY.

HULK JUST MISSED LATEST AWARD FOR DOCUMENTARY SHORT. BUT WINNERS ONSTAGE SEEM AS HAPPY AS HULK IS TO SEE ZOE SALDANA.

BEST LIVE-ACTION SHORT: HULK BORED.

OH, MAN. HULK THINK BEN STILLER THINK BEN STILLER IS VERY FUNNY. HULK WILL REFRAIN FROM OBVIOUS JOKE ABOUT THOSE BEING BEN'S REAL EARS.

BEN KIND OF BOMBING NOW. HULK SAD. AND ANGRY.

BEST MAKEUP: "STAR TREK". ZOE SALDANA IN THAT MOVIE. HULK LIKE ZOE.

HULK HAVE CHIPS AND SALSA AND RC COLA AND IS WATCHING 2010 OSCARS!!!

HULK JUST SAT THROUGH SEEMINGLY ENDLESS RED CARPET INTERVIEWS. HULK ANNOYED. WHY EVERYONE THRILLED TO BE HERE? PLACE IS FULL OF PUNY HUMANS.

WHY MILEY CYRUS SO SERIOUS ALL OF A SUDDEN? IS HULK SUPPOSED TO THINK "OH, MILEY SERIOUS NOW. CAN PLAY SERIOUS ADULT ROLES"? HULK DOESN'T THINK SO. HULK SAW "THE LAST SONG". HULK WAS MISLED BY TITLE. MORE SONGS CAME.

SHOW START NOW. PUNY STARS ONSTAGE. SANDY BULLOCK (HULK CALL HER SANDY BECAUSE SHE LIKE HULK'S MOVIE, SAID SO AT SCREENING) LOOK GREAT.

MERYL STREEP JUST WON OSCAR FOR STANDING ONSTAGE.

DOOGIE HOWSER ONSTAGE. SINGING. HULK CANNOT GET PAST DOOGIE'S SHINY JACKET. DOOGIE LOOK LIKE LIBERACE CIRCA 1954.

PUNY STEVE MARTIN AND NOT-SO-PUNY ALEC BALDWIN TAKE STAGE. STEVE THINK GLASSES MAKE HIM LOOK SMART - LIKE PUNY BANNER!!!

ALEC EITHER WEARING TRUSS OR LOST EQUIVALENT OF TWO BALDWIN BROTHERS.

HULK HAPPY CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER THERE. PLUMMER IS THINKING MAN'S BRADFORD DILLMAN.

HAAAHHH!!! JAMES CAMERON JOKES FUNNY. HULK JUST SPIT OUT CHEDDAR POPCORN.

QUENTIN TARANTINO LOOK LIKE HE SWALLOWED JACKIE BROWN.

WHO TAYLOR LAUTNER? HE LOOK LIKE HE NEED IMMODIUM, STAT.

HULK LLOOOOOOOOVE PENELOPE CRUZ. HULK WOULD DEFINITELY "BE ITALIAN" FOR HER. HULK FEEL WARM AND FUNNY.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR WINNER: CHRISTOPHE WALTZ, "INGLORIOUS BASTERDS"

HARVEY WEINSTEIN LOOK HAPPY. HULK LIKE TO SEE HARVEY HAPPY. HARVEY IS ONLY PUNY HUMAN THAT SCARES HULK. HULK ONCE SAW HARVEY THROW A CELLPHONE SO HARD IT LODGED INTO ASSISTANT''S THROAT. ASSISTANT MAKES CALLS NOW BY PRESSING NECK. HARVEY SMASH!

OY. HULK HATES SITTING THROUGH POMPOUS INTROS TO CLIPS. RYAN REYNOLDS NORMALLY SO FUNNY. HULK THINKS SCARLET JOHANSEN MADE HIM LEAVE FUNNY AT HOME. SCARLET HAVE NICE -- WAIT! ANNOUNCER JUST SAY CAMERON DIAZ COMING UP. HULK MUST FRESHEN UP AND LOOK HULK'S BEST!! HULK LOVE CAMERON!!!! WHEN CAMERON SMILE, HULK DOES NOT WANT TO SMASH - HULK WANTS TO MAKE HULK'S FAMOUS PECAN SANDIES!

BEFORE HULK LIVE-BLOG 2010 OSCARS...

HULK MUST KNOW: DOES HULK LOOK FAT IN THIS PICTURE?

HULK MOISTURIZED AND DID COLON-CLEANSE, BUT HULK IS VERY INSECURE AROUND HOLLYWOOD PEOPLE.

DO NOT TELL HULK TRUTH IF YOU THINK HULK LOOKS FAT. IF YOU DO, HULK WILL SMASH YOU.

THE THING IS A NEW AVENGER; WORLD SOMEHOW NEW AND RIGHT AGAIN

In the entire history of the known universe, one social and cultural ill has finally been addressed and rectified: the rehabilitation of Benjamin Grimm, The Thing. The epitome of grumpy-but-loveable Level-10 power in the 60s and 70s, the last couple of decades had reduced him to mere comic relief, and for a guy who's gone toe-to-toe with The Hulk every other Tuesday, his strength has been downplayed or lessened to the extent that my sainted Aunt Mary, at age 97, could take him down after a couple of Harvey's Bristol Creams.

But good things come to those who wait. Benjamin is gonna be a New Avenger in the upcoming "New Avengers" series, which by all rights should be called "New New New Newish-no-Wait-New Again Avengers".

Brian Bendis seems to have really enjoyed his brief forays into Thing-dom in both the regular and Ultimate universes. I may even fork over the $17.99 this comic will cost, if I can't sneak a read at Border's. Just when I thought I was out - they pulled me back in!!! (please channel Al P. in "Godfather 3" for previous sentence).

Cross your fingers. May New A-Ben-ger cleanse the palate from the "FF" movies and years in the wilderness. It's Slobberin' Time. Sigh. I tried.

70s DUMB HULK WILL LIVE-BLOG 2010 OSCARS!!!! GRAAAAHHHH!!!!

HELLO PUNY HUMANS! HULK WILL SMASH YOU ALL. BUT BEFORE HULK DOES HE WILL LIVE-BLOG 2010 OSCARS ON SUNDAY NIGHT. HULK DOES NOT KNOW WHAT A LIVE-BLOG IS BUT HULK HAS A COUPLE OF DAYS TO FIGURE OUT. HULK WILL ASK HANK PYM. HANK PYM IS SMART PUNY HUMAN WHO SMASHES WIFE. HULK WILL SMASH HIM, TOO, BUT ONLY AFTER HULK IS REMINDED HOW TO BLOG. HULK GO NOW. HULK MUST LEAP FROM NEW MEXICO TO FOUR SEASONS HOTEL IN BEVERLY HILLS FOR PRE-OSCAR PRESS JUNKET. HULK WILL ALSO TAKE BRIEF LUNCH WITH EDWARD NORTON TO GIVE PUNY NORTON TIPS ON HOW TO PLAY HIM IN NEXT HULK MOVIE - WHICH HULK KNOWS PUBLIC IS DEMANDING. CURRENTLY PROJECT IS ON HOLD. NO ONE AT MARVEL ENTERTAINMENT WILL RETURN HULK'S CALLS. NO ONE PUTS HULK ON HOLD!!!! HULK WILL SMASH YOU ALL. SEE YOU SUNDAY. BRING BEANS. HULK LIKE BEANS!

DR. DOOM, LOKI, FIN FANG FOOM, TONY STARK AND JOSEF GOEBBELS TEAM UP TO CREATE THE MOST INSIDIOUS, CLEVER AD FOR A NEW DRUG EVER

www.isitlowt.com

WORLD WAR HULK #5: WARBOUND, SCHMOREBOUND

[A stream of consciousness live-blog]

with commentary from MICHAEL

Note: So sorry for the long delay between posts. House-hunting and now moving. Will be posting again a bit sporadically for the next few weeks, then things should settle down. Thanks for you patience!

Bob and his rippling muscles to the rescue! Hulk's nails are nicely manicured. I wonder what salon he goes to for his mani-pedi.

IT'S ALL THE PUNCHING. SMASHING GRANITE BUFFS THE HANDS NICELY.

More previouslies.... Hulk's family died, yada yada, planet destroyed, Reed bad.. got it.

IMPORTANT TO REMIND YOU, MISSY. EVERY COMIC BOOK IS SOMEONE'S FIRST! I AM POINTNG MY FINGER AS I REMIND YOU OF THIS.

Wait. Reed controlled the disk? No, Hulk did?

HULK DID. THE ONLY THING REED CONTROLS AT THIS POINT IN HIS CAREER IS HIS BLADDER, AND I'M NOT EVEN SURE ABOUT THAT. I KNOW I HARP ON THIS, BUT I WISH YOU HAD GROWN UP KNOWING REED LIKE I AND MANY DID. HE IS NOT A TOOL. HE'S ANYTHING BUT. AND HE'S SMARTER THAN 6 TONYS (STARKS, NOT THE AWARD) PUT TOGETHER. I GET WHY THEY ARE DOING IT DRAMATICALLY BUT IT STILL STEAMS MY VEGGIES. REED HAS MORE REED-EEMIN' TO DO THAN TONY. MAYBE HE'S TAKING CIALIS OR SOMETHING (NOW IN DAILY DOSE FORM!) AND IT'S MESSING WITH HIS RUBBERY BRAIN. OR MAYBE HE HAS NEVER RECOVERED FROM JESSICA ALBA PLAYING SUE IN THE "FF" MOVIES. MMMMMM JESSICA ALBA. I WANT TO BUILD A TIME-SHARE ON HER BIG, PILLOW-Y LIPS AND THEN LIVE THERE FOREVER, WITHOUT SHARING. I'LL BE LIKE THOSE LADIES IN "GREY GARDENS".

Ok, hold the phone. I know it's been forevah since I read ish 4, but I clearly remember a serious bloodlust thing happening. Now, Hulk's all.. not. I coulda sworn his plan involved killing them. Not that I'm complaining. Okay, maybe a little, but not really cause Stephen needs me!!!

NAH YOU'RE HALLUCINATING. HULK MADE IT SEEEEM AS IF HE WAS GONNA KILL THEM, BUT HE WAS NEVER GONNA. HE JUST WANTED TO SHOW THEM, REALLY SHOW THEM, THAT HE IS NOT A MONSTER. THAT HE HAS MERCY. THAT HE IS NOT AS BAD AS HE BELIEVES THE ILLUMINATI TO BE. THAT HE'S MORALLY SUPERIOR. HE SURE SETTLED THEIR HASH! I LOVE THAT HE DID THIS AND I KNEW HE WASN'T GONNA KILLIPATE THEM. THERE IS STILL YOUR 70S DOODLE-HULK IN THERE AT HIS CORE.

Bob knows how to make an entrance!

OOOOO IT'S JUST TOO COOL TO SEE THE HIGH-POWERED GUYS BLAZE THROUGH THE PANELS AND SMASH THROUGH CONVENIENTLY UNOCCUPIED BUILDINGS BEFORE THEY SMASH INTO THEIR FOES. ROMITA JR. IS GREAT AT THIS GOD-LIKE-POWER STUFF, WHICH IS WHY I'M SURE THEY CHOSE HIM FOR THIS PROJECT. HE HAS A LOT OF KIRBY ON HIM, WITHOUT BEING A RIP-OFF. LOTS OF RAW POWER BEING THROWN ABOUT. LOVE IT. I WISH KIRBY WERE STILL ALIVE AND DRAWING, BECAUSE WITH MODERN COLORING AND COMPUTER-EFFECTS/ENHANCEMENT SUCH AS DISPLAYED HERE, HIS CHARACTERS WOULD LITERALLY (!) BURST OFF THE PAGE AND PUNCH YOU IN THE LABONZA. AND AROUND YOU WOULD BE LOTS OF KRACKLE. NOT THE CANDY, THE KIRBY KRACKLE. BY THE WAY, THEY DON'T SELL THE HERSHEY'S KRACKLE SEPERATELY ANY MORE. YOU HAVE TO GET IT IN AN ASSORTMENT BAG, AND ONLY IN BITE-SIZE. NOW I FEEL LIKE EATING 17 BITE-SIZED KRACKLES. I'M SURE IF I DO, KIRBY KRACKLES WILL SHOOT OUT OF MY COLON (PUFFED RICE DOES THAT).

Wow. Where will the Knicks play now? Oh, that's right. No one cares. Left coast!

THAT'S JUST MEAN.

I can just hear you now, Michael. TWO MONSTERS FIGHTING!

YESH!!! BIG BOOM AND BANG AND SMASH AND CRASH AND EARTH-SHATTERING IMPACT. THE ONLY THING THAT COULD HAVE MADE THE HULK/SENTRY FIGHT BETTER WOULD BE IF THEY WERE MADE OF HERSHEY'S KRACKLE. THEN I WOULD ENJOY THE FIGHT AND DIP THEM IN JIF PEANUT BUTTER (FUCK SKIPPY!!!!) AND EAT THEM.

IT'S AMAZING TO ME THAT FOR ALL OF THE MONSTER-FIGHTS I HAVE SEEN (AND PARTICIPATED IN), IT'S NEVER ROTE OR BORING TO ME. I ALWAYS JUST LOVE'EM. NOW I AM THINKING ABOUT THE HULK/ABOMINATION FIGHTY-FIGHT IN THE "INCREDIBLE HULK" MOVIE, WHICH SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN AN OSCAR FOR "BEST MONSTER FIGHT IN HARLEM".

Men.

LIKE MONSTERS FIGHTING. WOMEN LIKE LAZY SUSANS AND UNICORNS.

Ya know, I gotta call poo on Hulk here. Yes, his family died, it's ABC after school special tragic, but he's acting pretty high and mighty for someone who has cause his own share of mayhem and destruction. You gotta own it, Hulk. Then the healing can begin. That'll be $200.

BUT YA SEE......HULK HAS NEVER KILLED IN MARVEL CONTINUITY. I KNOW YOU FIND THAT IMPLAUSIBLE, BUT SINCE HIS INCEPTION HE HAS NEVER DELIBERATELY HURT ANYONE (MAYBE AN EXCEPTION OR TWO). THE INNOCENT FUN OF THE HULK IS THAT FOR ALL THE PROPERTY DAMAGE HE PERPETRATES, NO ONE REALLY GETS HURT OR KILLED. THEY MAY HAVE CHANGED THAT IN RECENT YEARS, BUT ALL THROUGH THE 60-90S, THAT WAS THE RULE OF THUMB. YOU JUST HAVE TO GO WITH IT. YA HAVETA! THEY DID A GOOD JOB OF THAT IN THE RECENT MOVIE, WITH THE SHOTS OF PEOPLE RUNNING THE FRIG AWAY OR TAKING COVER WHILE HE SMASHED HELICOPTERS AND SONIC WEAPONS.

I'M A BIG FAN OF THIS KIND OF SEMI-CHEAT-Y STORYTELLING. IT'S JUST MORE INNOCENT AND FUN. I WAS NEVER SCARED OF THE HULK AS A KID BECAUSE I KNEW HE WOULD NEVER HURT ME. GENERAL ROSS WOULD HURT ME. EVEN BETTY WAS MORE OF A THREAT (HER BOBBED HAIR ESPECIALLY). HOWARD THE DUCK WOULD HURT ME WITH HIS SARCASM. MAN-THING? HE'D BE NICE.


Hee. You tell 'em General Ross.

I HAVE A THEORY THAT ROSS IS JEALOUS OF THE MARVEL HEROES. IF HE HAD THAT KIND OF POWER HE'D BE ABUSIN' IT LEFT AND RIGHT AND TAKING OVER SMALL REPUBLICS. HE'S DANGEROUS ENOUGH WITH HIS GUNS AND FULLER-BRUSH-TACHE.

I'm undoubtedly in the minority here, but the fight art, it's pretty, but.. eh. I'm just not emotionally involved in the battle with Hulk v Bob. I guess I might be if I'd read more Sentry, but it just feels set-piecey.

I'M KIND OF WITH YOU ON THIS. IT DOES NOT RESONATE AS DEEPLY BECAUSE THE SENTRY IS A RELATIVELY NEW CHARACTER, ESPECIALLY TO MARVEL-HEADS. IF IT WAS THOR, NOW THAT WOULD BE COOL (AND MUCH BETTER THAN THAT ANIMATED MOVIE YOU MADE ME SIT THROUGH :)

I DID LOVE ALL THE FIERY SOLAR ENERGY ALL OVER THE PLACE. EVERYONE IN NYC LOOKS LIKE GEORGE HAMILTON NOW.

What the heck is Doc doing? Tony and Reed are completely bogarting this ish. Can Blackbolt yell at Hulk and Bob and send them flying into outspace or something? Can't Doc do something or at least get some panel time? Hello!!!

HEY, DOC HAD HIS DAY IN ISH THREE WHEN HULK DID THE MACARENA ON HIS HANDS. ALL HE COULD DO AT THIS POINT WAS BE A GLORIFIED EXTRA.

What happened? How'd they revert?

Ohhhh, not cool Miek. Not cool.

What a mess. With the killing and then the more killing.

Poor Hulk.

I completely understand the need to make Hulk smart and play with that, but I miss my Doodle/Savage Hulk something fierce.

I THINK - DON'T QUOTE ME - THAT IN THE NEW "HULK" COMIC, HE IS INDEED 70S DUMB-DOODLY AGAIN. I BRIEFLY GLANCED AT AN ISH, BUT WAS TURNED OFF BY MARKETING PLOY. I MEAN, RED HULK. RED HULK SOUNDS LIKE AN ENERGY DRINK. AND THEY STILL HAVE NOT GIVEN US RED'S BACKSTORY, AND I STILL DON'T GIVE A SHIT.

I officially have no idea what just happened. I know Hulk gave himself up so Tony could zap him and they've got him "safely" ensconced in a super-duper secret HulkBuster thingy 3 miles under the desert, but... on Sakaar? His spirit lives? Something more? A Primordial Campbell's Soup Hulk?

OKAY. WHAT'S ON SAKAAR IS HULK'S SEED. WHEN CIERA WAS ALL BLOWED UP, WHAT WAS IN HER WOMB WAS AS NEAR-INVULNERABLE AS HULK, AND IT SURVIVED. IT WILL GROW INTO SKAAR, SON OF HULK, A NEW SERIES, WHICH IS REALLY FUN, BY THE WAY - "CONAN" MEETS "JOHN CARTER" MEETS "KILLRAVEN" PLUS TEEN-HULK ANGST AND FATHER-ISSUES. RON GARNEY DRAWS IT AND IT LOOK TREMENDOUS.

I guess there was no other way to end it, but I feel ripped that the payoff was so abrupt and Illuminati-lite and sans coda. And the lack of Stephen was a total gip. I know, I know. It wasn't World War Stephen, but still...

STEPHEN WILL BE SPOTLIGHTED SOON IN "NEW AVENGERS" AND YOU WILL GET YOUR FIX.

And Rick? He was skewered. Is he alive? I don't know!

RICK SURVIVED BECAUSE HE'S IN THE NEW "HULK" BOOK. RICK WILL NEVER DIE. HE IS THE VOICE OF THE TEEN AUDIENCE AND HAS BEEN PART OF EVERY SIGNIFICANT MARVEL EVENT SINCE 1962. AND HE PLAYS GUITAR.

This was a boy's ending. Big fight. Big fight. The end. My Fallopian tubes are not satisfied.

MAYBE THEY COULD HAVE ALL GONE TO THE OLIVE GARDEN AND TALKED ABOUT THEIR FEELINGS. THERE'S CLEARLY A HUGE AUDIENCE FOR THAT. OVER BREADSTICKS THE ILLUMINATI COULD EXPLAIN THEMSELVES AND THEN HULK WOULD BE TOUCHED HE'D SHARE HIS PUMPKIN RAVIOLI. THAT'S HOSPITALIANO!!!!

I DID LOVE THE MORAL. "They can call you whatever they want...Savior...Destroyer...all that matters...is what YOU choose." I THINK THAT'S BEAUTIFUL, AND POWERFUL, AND EVEN SPIRITUAL, AND IT SHOWS HOW AWESOME HULK IS.