CIVIL WAR #7: IT'S ALRIGHT TO CRY, CRYIN' GETS THE SAD OUT OF YA...

[A stream of consciousness live-blog]

Props to Rosey Grier, who, btw, I was lucky enough to meet and spend some time talking to. He was like living sunshine. Truly of the completely awesome.

Ok.

Deep breath.

Here I go...

Pfft. Avengers are good guys! They were anyway. To me.. *sniff*... they still are.

Yay, Cap!

Boo, Iron Man!

As long as SHIELD's on the other side, we have a chance. You'd think they had Captain Parmenter at the helm. I take that back. He was nice. SHIELD is all of the poopy. And Ken Berry is too simply fabulous to have anything to do with them. Is there anything he couldn't do?

Hee, go Spidey! Yikes Lady Long Fingers is creepy!

Hehe, Cloak's real name is Tyrone! Tyrone always makes me think of that great running Laugh-In sketch with Arte Johnson and Ruth Buzzy on the park bench. Would you like to play spin the bottle? *whack*

Oooo, that's coolsies. Cloak dropping everyone out of the sky.

No civilian casualties, eh Tony? I hope there's an upcoming ish where he's fighting someone and a bus full of blind girl scouts on their way to donate bone marrow for the handicapped explodes because of something he does.

Of course, they've got the baddies ganging up on Cap. I hope you're happy, Tony! This is the world you want to fashion? Fashion? Hee.

YAY! Namor and the, I still don't know why they're blue, Atlanteans! Go you fishies!

Go, Vizh! I love you even if you aren't you or are mostly you or maybe even just a little you, but I loved the old you, well, not the old, old you, cause that wasn't you, but the you from before this you is the you I love!

I so want Herc to destroy CloneThor. Seriously. Not even a biocircuit left.

Who's the gray skull guy - serious 80s flashback - He-Man! Master of the Universe! Maybe that's Skeletor on loan from Mattel. Fabulous secret powers were revealed to me...

Ok, Stretch gets points for the flying "Nooooo!" leap and taking one for Sue, but he's still on my list.

At least it (he?) has the good sense to wet his pants.

What did she do to him?

Thou art no Thor! - Thank you, Lloyd Bentsen!

Yay, he punched him so hard his circuits popped. I hope that's the last I see of him. What am I thinking? This is Marvel. And, Tony has that idiotic Initiative to cram down everyone's throat. What better crammer than CloneThor?

Oh boy. I can see it coming. Cap's winning. Tony's got almost no defense. Is Cap going to ease off and that's what... I can't even say it.

Huh? Who are those guys? Regular Joes who are sick of seeing their lives turned upside down and their city destroyed? How dare they!

Ohmygod. Cap is crying. Note to all the men out there. This is one of those sexy cries. Not one of those, my man is such a wuss cries. Punisher cried about his lost family. That's ok. That's healthy and can be wicked sexy. Cap crying because this is as disastrous as CBS trying to broadcast professional sports is okay too. It's not too Alan Alda, but it's sensitive. It's just dipping it's manly toe into the waters of sensitive. Of course, a man like Cap - well, he's all MAN. But I know some of you wonder what the hell we wimmins want. You might wonder if we don't want you to be crybabies how the jicama can we find so-and-so crying hot and beautiful. Well, all I can tells ya is... I knows when its when I sees it. We all do. We wimmins is just like that. Feel free to submit your crying stories and I'll tell you if it was sexy or not. :p

And, we're back...

I LOVE the idea of The Moment, but the pacing didn't work for me. Cap's realization transition was too abrupt. Just another few panels and maybe a line or two... Maybe I just haven't read enough comics and I'm still disgruntled by the abruptocity of some?

For the record, Reed's crying about the cockup he's made of his life is a good thing, but better heard about than seen. I'm just puttin' that out there.

What in the holy hell is Miss Clairol doing in that panel? I hate her with the passion of a thousand fiery suns.

And WonderMan? He's the Fabio of the Marvel Universe. I can't believe it's not better. Hee. Get it? Better? Butter? Ughghghgh.

As an aside, thank TPTB for that stuff. My duodenum will probably petrify at some point and mysteriously be discovered in Damascus by the Naked Archeologist, but for now, it makes feel like I'm one of those women profiled in Self Magazine. Forrest Yoga is my salvation!

Ok, I take back what I said about Reed. He didn't learn nuttin'. How can someone so smart be so dumb? Sure, Bernie. I'd love to invest my life savings in your ponzi scheme. He seemed to be coming around or circling around coming around - why did they just drop that? Damn potential arc droppers!

A small band remain underground - Luke Cage, of course. He da man. And Doc? Now you've decided to play? I'm pissed. You may buy my love with a chocolate croissant or a snikerdoodle cupcake from Yummy Cupcake (Galactus' fave!) and we'll talk.

Is Spidey all in black now?

Oh, Cap. *sniff* I just want to bundle him.

If you ever questioned Time magazine's choices for man of the year... behold - Hank Pym - wrecker of lives and hitter of wives... and what the hell is T'Challa doing shaking his hand? The hell???

Oh, Sue. :( Take the kids and leave him! For reals.

Director of SHIELD. Perfect, Mein Furher.

Hee... okay, he gets points for asking Miss Hill to fetch him some coffee.

Wonderful. They have 57 more craptastic ideas.

Smug, sanctimonious bastard...

And scene.

Click here to dig on some Rosie from Free To Be... You and Me.

CAPTAIN AMERICA AND THE FALCON #160 FRIGGIN' RULES AND ALWAYS HAS

Summer 1973. Captain America just accidentally got himself some super-strength after a fight with the Viper, and Cap's partner, the Falcon, the coolest guy in comics, ever, even cooler than Luke Cage, did not. But that doesn't mean that Falcon is to be trifled with. Especially when it comes to the lllllllaye-ed-ayz.

Leila Taylor is the mod, hep mama he has his eye on. She has a huge afro and dresses like she beat up Pam Grier and stole her drawers. I love her SO. MUCH.

But Leila no likey that Falcon is hardly ever around, what with him protecting humanity from all the super-threats posed to it. So she flits around other guys, like Rafe Michel, a low-level thug and street hustler, whose Afro is not as big as Leila's, but whose facial hair and sunglasses suggest a thinking man's Dick Roundtree.

So Falcon is all like, I'm sick of being alone, and so he swoops down into the streets of Harlem and takes back his woman. And this is BEFORE he had wings with which to swoop. He used to get around town with a very cool hawk-y grappling-hook-rope thingie, way before Batman stole and adapated it for his 90s Animated Series.

I still have this comic at home in Newark. That scene is burned into my brain, and for years I actually thought that this was how real men conducted themselves in regards to women. Maybe they did, once. Sure makes for a cooler scene this way. No one would want to see Falcon and Rafe engaging in passive-aggressive verbal digs and agreeing to disagree and then Rafe buys Falcon a Lazy Susan.

It all comes to a head in the next issue, which has, hands down, THE best fight scene ever in a comic, ever, because Sal Buscema is a friggin' demigod and his art, then and now, pops and radiates with energy and clarity. Sal is a WAY underappreciated force in modern comics storytelling, but his influence is everywhere.

THREE STOOGES REDUX

I don't know whether I should be thrilled or terrified or maybe a little of both. All three of these guys scare me a little. But then, the Stooges scared me too.

NYQUIL DREAMS

I dreamt that I was a small, unidentified Polenysianish child carried across the ramshackle remains of an old bridge over a fresh lava flow on the back of Burgess Meredith as he used a handily felled and stripped bamboo tree as a tightrope walker's pole as Paul Newman and my unidentified Polenysianish brother looked on in concern.

Ends up it wasn't a fever dream, but the equally deadly, When Time Ran Out.

MAKE MINE MA-HOOOOLLLY CRAP!!!

In 1978, Gerald Ford was walking into walls, "Fly Robin Fly" was still the only song on AM radio, and CBS made a couple of "Captain America" TV-movies in the hopes of turning into a series.

That's Reb Brown ("Yor, Hunter From The Future" to jog your memories. What? You don't remember "Yor"? I got nuthin' else) under the helmet. His dacron-blend costume was played by a young Heather Menzies, and that's Herve Villechaize bewteen his legs, ringing a bell.

WHO REALLY KILLED THE STOCK MARKET

YOU MAY HAVE SEEN SOME "YAZ" COMMERCIALS THAT WERE UNCLEAR!

Hey, get off my ass. This hot chick said you MAY have. Dimplomatic immunity!

YAZ is a little pill that basically promises its ingestor superpowers.

In truth, it's a birth control pill. You'd never know that from the initial commercial, where this cutie-patootie Sex And The City-ish girl does lots of happy kicks at what looks like an empty bar in Georgetown. I guess she's so happy and kicky because with YAZ "you MAY experience shorter, lighter periods." No promises. You also may spontaneously combust. Who the fuck knows? I'm not a scientist.

I guess that ad was unclear, though, because when Saucy "Nipples" McTavish here comes back in another ad to ACTUALLY SAY THAT THE PREVIOUS COMMERCIAL MAAAY HAVE BEEN UNCLEAR, there must already be a class-action lawsuit ("All Women Ever Vs. Yaz") gurgling and festering throughout the Western Hemisphere that makes Big Tobacco crap their Depends with relief and girlish laughter.

Actual potential side effects of reading this blog entry (and of YAZ, from their site) include: upper respiratory infection, headache, breast pain, vaginal moniliasis, leukorrhea, diarrhea, nausea, vomiting, vaginitis, abdominal pain, flu syndrome, dysmenorrhea, moniliasis, allergic reaction, urinary tract infection, accidental injury, cystitis, tooth disorder, sore throat, infection, fever, surgery, sinusitis, back pain, emotional lability, migraine, suspicious Papanicolaou smear, dyspepsia, rhinitis, acne, gastroenteritis, bronchitis, pharyngitis, skin disorder, intermenstrual bleeding, decreased libido, weight gain, pain, depression, increased cough, dizziness, menstrual disorder, pain in extremity, pelvic pain, and asthenia.

I don't ever want to know what "vaginal monilasis" is.

This blog entry may have been unclear. Or maybe it opened your Third Eye Chakra and you are free to leave the Third Dimension at will. Like I said, I am not a fucking scientist.