Tuesday, April 7, 2009

WORLD WAR HULK #1: WHAT ROUGH BEAST...SLOUCHES TOWARDS MANHATTAN

[A stream of consciousness live-blog]
with an assist from MICHAEL

Okay, so I didn't read Planet Hulk, but I know he was on this planet and stuff happened and there was violence and heartbreak and more violence.. you know, Hulk stuff.


PLANET HULK SUMMARY: HULK GETS HOODWINKED INTO A SPACESHIP AND SENT AWAY BY REED RICHARDS, DR. STRANGE, AND IRON MAN. THE THREE MOST DANGEROUSLY UNSTABLE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD, BASICALLY. GOOD CALL!

HULK GOES ALL OFF-COURSE AND INTO A WORMHOLE AND LANDS ON PLANET SKANK, WHERE HE IS FIRST A SLAVE, THEN HE'S RUSSEL CROWE/MAXIMUS, HE EVEN FALLS FOR A GRAY BALD ALIEN LADY AND IMPREGNATES HER ("HULK SMASH PUNY UTERUS!"), THEN THE SHIP HE CAME IN BLOWS UP AND KILLS HIS WIFE AND LIL' BABY AND LOTS OF EXTRAS.

HULK BLAME ILLUMINATI JERK-WADS SO HULK HEAD BACK TO EARTH TO SMASH EVERYTHING FOREVER.

He's got that escaped from the sanitarium haircut I so loathe, some stylish gladiator accoutrements and the fight-the-power fist of repressed rebellion goin' on. Cool.

The Savage Planet of Sakaar. Why do alien races use to many vowels? We could seriously kick their ass at Scrabble.

Stabbed him, burned him and ate his very flesh - apparently he was on Celebrity Apprentice. Come on. Admit it. You watch it. Who could pass up a chance to see Joan and Melissa Rivers every week?

Oh boy. The Illuminati's gonna be sorry. Hulk doesn't need oxygen?


HIS LUNGS CAN GO FOR HOURS IN DIFFERENT ATMOSPHERES AND PRESSURES. UNTIL IT'S CONVENIENT FOR THEM NOT TO.

Girded. Hee.

Frankly, I hope he makes a mess of the Inhumans' moon base. They need to be knocked down a peg or six. I got yer mists right here!


I KNOW YOU HATE THEM AND THINK THEY'RE ARROGANT, BUT MEDUSA SHOULD BE SPARED, BECAUSE OF HER HOT 70S-PURPLE FANTASTIC FOUR OUTFIT.

See, I like Blackbolt and his pouty sensuous mouth, but I'm rootin' for Hulk here.


GOOD CALL.

The only thing I remember from my high school science classes is that Pluto is the smallest planet in the solar system. Wait a minute! But I have seen a lot of movies and I thought there was no sound in space. Because, in space, no one can hear you scream, right? So, how how come Blackbolt's scream is working, sorta?


BECAUSE THERE WOULD BE NO STORY IF IT DIDN'T. AND THE MOON HAST TECHNO-CREATED ATMOSPHERE JUST FOR THEM I'D WAGER.

LOL, they just turn their backs and walk away. I don't think so.

Wow, this smart hulk is going to take some getting used to. He's projecting and expositioning. I miss my doodle hulk.


YES YOUR DOODLE-70S-DEFENDERS-DUMB-HULK IS LOOOOONG GONE BY THIS STORY. SERIOUSLY, LIKE 25 YEARS GONE. SINCE THE 70S HE'S BEEN SMART, THEN SAVAGE, THEN SCHMAVAGE, THEN BRILLIANT, THEN GREY, THEN PISSY-VEGAS-MOBSTERY, THEN SAVAGE, THEN JESSICA SAVITCH, THEN SMART AND PISSED AGAIN.

Ah, he was a gladiator. Boy, he'd be sumptin'.Although, I gotta say, my money'd be on Oliver Reed. Okay, maybe not. Off to the Elysian Fields with me which, btw, is a much nicer place than Elysian Park. Go Dodgers!


FINALLY, THIS BLOG WILL GET AN INFLUX OF REGULAR READERS, THANKS TO YOUR OLIVER REED REFERENCE.

Ah, some backstory... I feel like I'm suddenly in a Karl Edward Wagner novel. Hulk is Kane. Hey, did Frank Frazetta ever do a painting of Hulk? That would be coolsies.


HE MAY HAVE. IN THE 70S EVERYBODY DID ACID AND HULK PAINTINGS.

It's actually pretty nice of him to give New York 24 hours. Now if it had been New Jersey...


NEW JERSEY WOULD NEVER LET HIM IN WITHOUT AN EZ-PASS.

Blackbolt does not look well. He's kind of melting.


HIS KISSER IS ALL SCHMOOSHED AND SCHMASHED.

Here's hoping that Tony also gets a fistfull of hello from Hulky. I'm still so pissed at him.


I BLAME EXTREMIS.

Yay, Doc. Please don't hurt Doc. Even though I'm still pissed at him too... I'm fasting in the Artic. Blahblahmystephenwouldneverdothatcakes.


CAN'T WAIT 'TIL YOU SEE HIS CONFRONTATION WITH DOC. IT'S TERRIFIC AND CONTINUITY-DRIVEN.

Hey, there's an idea. Try to solve a problem and not ignore it.

His comrades? Doc has comrades who might be arrested. Clearly I've missed something.


YES. AT THIS POINT DOC IS OFFICIALLY A NEW AVENGER. HIS LINE-UP/COMRADES: IRON FIST, BLACK COSTUME SPIDEY, LUKE, SPIDER-WOMAN, RONIN/HAWKEYE. YOU WILL MEET THEM SOON IN N.A. AND LOVE THEM.

Ah, Deus Ex whatever they need him to be - Sentry.


YES. BUT HE'S USED WELL HERE, TRUST ME. AND IT GIVES ROMITA JR. A GREAT EXCUSE TO REALLY GO TO TOWN LATER ON.

"A word please." - I wonder what that's all about. Private talks with Tony these days never lead to anything good.

Spiderman's got a new outfit. For why? Too many costume changes. Give me the red and blue, please. He looks like venom in this getup. That's right, I said, getup.


HE'S "BACK IN BLACK" FOR THE THEN-CURRENT STORYLINE. DON'T WORY ABOUT IT, HE'S STILL THE SAME SCHTICKSTER. JUST IN BLACK TO EXPLOIT "SPIDER-MAN 3" AND THE MID-80'S.

She-Hulk. Pfft. Green-skinned Ann Coulter wanna-be. Be gone!


SHE'S AWESOME AND YOUR WORDS CANNOT HURT HER. ANN COULTER, I MEAN.

Our telepaths will locate you... J. Zeus, that's creepy.

An orderly evacuation of all of New York? It takes me an hour to get out of the parking lot at Gelsons.

They should cover the ground with puppies and kittens.

I hate this. In the old days, which for me was about 2 months ago, I would have cheered Tony's speech. I would have found it heroic and now it just sounds like bad PR spin.


I DO THINK HE MEANS IT, THOUGH. HE IS ACCEPTING RESPONSIBILITY AT LEAST. IT'S SOMETHING.

How did he inject Hulk? That must be one hell of a needle. I guess a vibranium needle might do it. Ok, forget what I said.


YES, VIBRANIUM OR ADAMANTIUM WOULD GET THROUGH. YES, I AM A FAKE-METALLURGIST.

Wow. Tony.

Ah, so his planet hulk wife died in a susplosion. The one he blames the Illuminati for. I get it. And, I would have thought they would never ever do that, but I've no doubt that was Tony's (and sadly Reed's too) plan all along.


YOU'LL SEE. IT'S FUNNY THAT YOU HATE THEM SO MUCH AT THIS POINT THAT YOU THINK THEY WOULD PLAN SUCH A HORRIBLE THING. IT SAYS A LOT ABOUT WHAT A HORRIFIC AND HATEFUL HUMAN BEING YOU HAVE BECOME. WHY DON'T YOU JUST SIGN ON WITH TONY AND HUNT DOWN YOUR FRIENDS WHILE YOU'RE AT IT....BETTER YET, JUST A BUST A CAP INTO STEVE ROGERS.

Cool. So much for Stark Tower. What are the Avengers (or is there even an official Avengers any more?) going to do? They should just rent a Winnebago from Lyle Waggoner like Shazam did.


AT THIS POINT THERE ARE NEW AVENGERS AND MIGHTY AVENGERS. SUMMARY: THE NEW AVENGERS ARE AWESOMELY COOL, AND THE MIGHTY AVENGERS ARE DICKS. TWO GREAT BOOKS.

Well, that plan worked well.

It will be good to see Hulk smash Tony for a few issues. But, I'm eskeered for Doc.

YOU SHOULD BE!

S'all for now!

2 comments:

  1. Methinks you two have stumbled on a very entertaining and multi-layered delivery-system for your reviews.

    Monique's refreshingly out-of-the-loop innocent noobism sets up the insta-impressions of the read, and then Michael fills in some of the "OH HO! Just you wait until you see what happens next..." meta-textual voice-of-those-who-have-seen-where-you-have-been-isms.

    Kinda like the audience giving direction to the young cheerleader in the horror flick who is going into the attic all alone while the axe-murderer is hiding behind the old chest filled with treasure maps and grannies corpse.

    It's fulfilling on levels for the new, uninitiated readers as well as we jaded old-guard lifers.

    Keep it up.

    ;-)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thank you, ~P~! I really appreciate the feedback and encouragement. :-)

    ReplyDelete